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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my mother is a disgraceful excuse for a human being?

107 replies

AutumnalAgedWoman · 02/10/2022 02:09

My mother and I have not kept in touch for 10 years due to a serious fallout. She last saw DS when he was 18 months old.

We have recently been in touch due to DS being diagnosed with a serious health condition (family medical history check). DS has been asking occasionally if he could meet her to see what she's like for some years. I have always brushed it off.

Since the Queens death being everywhere, he asked a few more times (suppose he connected elderly woman dying etc) and as we'd recently texted a few times. I put the idea for a meet up with him and adult DC (I don't want to see her) to her.

She responded that she would meet him and she'd come back with date and time. That was two weeks ago and knowing her. she won't respond again. She is not a busy woman with no time to organise an afternoon drink in a pub with a grandchild she's never had a relationship with. Not ill, faculties still there.

He asked me earlier when it had been arranged for.

I just want to tell her to fuck off and die quite frankly. She is not a nice person (but no risk to DC) and she should be honoured he even wants to meet her just once.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LovelyDaaling · 02/10/2022 08:13

Given the scant information here, I couldn't condemn your mother as you want us to. You are very angry even after ten years.
It's interesting that she cut contact with you- maybe she feels she needed to protect herself from you. She's clearly moved on and has no great urge to see your son.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 02/10/2022 08:14

OLP2019 · 02/10/2022 06:36

How does your child even know she exists if you've been NC for 10 years ?

What a daft question.

hes 12, he knows the stork didn't bring his mum.

you don't have to see someone to talk about them.

kids ask questions.

he has older siblings who know/knew her.

... 🙄🙄🙄

Bonjovispjs · 02/10/2022 08:16

She obviously doesn't want you or your kids in her life, harsh as it may be, you need to just leave it.

Caroffee · 02/10/2022 08:22

Porcupineintherough · 02/10/2022 02:52

Actually yes, you are being a little unreasonable. You cut her out of your lives for 10 years now you expect her to show up on demand. And then what? She meets her grandson to satisfy his curiosity then you drop her again.

I don't doubt she's dreadful if you had to cut her out but she's still human, with feelings. Not a toy to be picked up and put down at will. If you were nc for good reason then best keep it like that.

Agree with this.

Spanielsarepainless · 02/10/2022 08:26

Perhaps ask your older child to negotiate a meeting. But whatever the rights and wrongs regarding your ten year rift, you can't easily turn on interest and love after being told it's not your business.

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 08:29

Yes, it's a new low that's she's apparently not following through on meeting with her Gs, who's been diagnosed with a significant health condition and has requested to meet her.

She is clearly mental, and not getting any less so.

You're going to have to explain at best you can to your son.

Btw posting this in any was asking for the usual MN contrary, crazy BS posters to argue black is white with you.

LemonDrop22 · 02/10/2022 08:29

*in Aibu

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 02/10/2022 08:29

I think yabu, but to yourself. To try to set up a meeting for your dc with someone who made the choice to cut you out of her life is setting you and your family up for a fall. You know she is going to let you down again. From her point of view you had a huge fall out a decade ago, you sort of offered an olive branch by asking her to meet her grandchild, but if she wants nothing to do with your family you have to respect that. She isn't going to jump to resurrect any type of relationship after so long and might still feel hurt, angry or bitter. I think you need to be honest with your ds so that he can fill the gaps, tell him she isn't the sweet old lady he is hoping for and save yourself and him from a whole lot of hurt.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/10/2022 08:31

She must have hurt you very much for you to still be so r aw and angry after so many years. I'm so sorry. Your DS wanting to meet her must have brought so many suppressed feelings churning to the surface again.

I can't offer any suggestions. I think you are handling this as well as anyone could and I think I would suggest your older children give one more reminder (if your young DS is insistent), than, if there is no response, just let it drop.

If she is as manipulative and controlling as you say she will revel in pulling everyone's strings, and you are right not to let her.

Look after your own emotional health - this is obviously very distressing for you.

CovertImage · 02/10/2022 08:33

Given the scant information here, I couldn't condemn your mother as you want us to. You are very angry even after ten years.
It's interesting that she cut contact with you- maybe she feels she needed to protect herself from you. She's clearly moved on and has no great urge to see your son.

Well quite. That's why I always wish we had both sides.

DorchaAndLouis · 02/10/2022 08:37

If I was your mother I wouldn't want to meet your son after 10 years of NC. What on earth would they say to each other?

IreneGoodnight · 02/10/2022 08:39

It sounds as if you're feeling rejected all over again. Leave this hornets nest alone. Surely your son is old enough & bright enough to not want his mum upset over this?

Realityloom · 02/10/2022 08:41

Coming from complex dynamics also in my own family. Life is unfair and its hard to enable your kids to have a grandparent bond if you don't get along with your parents.

10 years is a long time and people make time for what and who they want to.... only you know what went on in the last 10 years. If it were me I would explain that unfortunately you are not obligated to even family members just because you are immediate family.

MerryMarigold · 02/10/2022 08:47

I don't know the backstory but I think it's clear that OP's mother has no interest in meeting her grandson. OP is not even going to be there at the meeting so I don't think the mum is doing this to protect herself. She's not thinking about her grandson at all and if she was a normal parent, she would want to meet a grandchild that had expressed an interest in meeting her - regardless of her relationship with her child. They are 2 distinct people. Indeed, she would have kept up with the other grandchildren even if she wanted nothing to do with OP.

So, OP I can see from this that she's not a normal mother. At best she has no interest in your family (is she caught up in drugs or alcohol?), at worst she's using this situation to hurt you.

I think the best thing is to let your son know you tried and explain to him that she didn't want to meet his siblings either so it's not him, it's her. It will sting a bit but much less than if they built some kind of relationship and then she dumped him. To be honest, you sound better off. He doesn't need to meet her to get to know her. They would chat about the weather and school. This is far more revealing of who she really is.

flingingmelon · 02/10/2022 08:53

I have a similar parental situation. The opportunity has passed now but I can't think of anything worse than trying to engineer a meeting between DS and late DF

I also understand the sense of responsibility - that if DS wants any sort of relationship with a toxic parent you can't just say no.

I think you're very brave for suggesting it.

I'd explain that you asked, explain there are no guarantees either way. Reiterate how happy and loving his current relationships are with everyone and ask him to have a think and let you know if he wants you to contact your DM again.

I wouldn't bring up the past, what's the benefit?

Good luck OP.

fUNNYfACE36 · 02/10/2022 09:00

There's obviously such a colossal back story, I don't think anyone on here can fairly comment

victoriacrosshairs · 02/10/2022 09:04

So you've had no contact for 10 years and you expect her to turn up when it suits your family?

Redlighting · 02/10/2022 09:06

A suggestion! Send her one more (polite) message to say (words to the effect of), 'I realise you and I no longer have a relationship but as he grows older, DS is curious about you and continues to ask about you. I don't want him to grow up thinking that I kept him from you. As it's been 2 weeks, please could you confirm a date you're free to see him and I'll put the arrangements in place'.

Something like that! And then basically keep the messages (print outs or whatever) so that one day, when she is gone, you can show DS that you didn't prevent the relationship, it's just that your mother had many complicated issues and it just wasn't possible to have a relationship with her.

I say this from the perspective of an adult who didn't know my paternal grandmother. The official family line was 'she is very mixed up' which I think was code for 'selfish, mean, bad influence'.

She died when I was a teenager and I think I met her twice and in my teen angst years, thought for a while that my parents prevented me from seeing her. It was only later I discovered the full horror story (which I was too young for at the time) and I'm really glad now that I didn't have a relationship with her.

So I think in the future, it might help you to have a 'paper trail' for your DS (if that makes sense!). I'm sorry you're in this position. It's really tough!

Rocketclub · 02/10/2022 09:07

Raidtheice · 02/10/2022 02:17

You can tell him the truth (You asked and she's not responded). You can also let him know that she had previous form for this and this is why you no longer have contact with her. Set his expectations without going into it all.

This. My children are younger 16 and 10 but when they ask about their grandparents who live around the corner effectively I say - I asked they said no - I put it in context - they did have contact when the children were younger but I said no to some huge things and out in boundaries - they stopped contact. I tried several times to ask them for a coffee etc but they don’t like the fact I said no - at one point they wanted my eldest to stay with them on the condition I had no contact except the weekend - eldest was like nope and I was gobsmacked.

for the youngest who doesn’t remember being called names that much I explained they aren’t well and they aren’t nice people and that if he gets in touch when he is older he must ensure he has good boundaries and to never go into their house or into their car or on holiday with them - as they stop you leaving - to meet them in a coffee shop but they won’t do that as they won’t have control.

Thurst · 02/10/2022 09:08

She may not be a physical risk but she’s already proving she can be a psychological one. I’d protect your son and tell him it’s a bad idea and explain about how abusive people use opportunities like this to exercise power over people.

Rocketclub · 02/10/2022 09:09
  • yes a paper trail is a good idea - I have emails and texts that are not replied to
PurpleWisteria1 · 02/10/2022 09:11

OP as hard as it is, your mother doesn’t have any interest in her grandchild. That’s the blunt truth. You are putting an expectation on her (understandably) that a grandmother should want to see their grandchild and have an interest in meeting them/ spending time with them. But yours doesn’t.
To you your DS is the most precious thing in the world. And as you say she should feel honoured to meet him. But to her your DS is just another child- she has no attachment to, as sad as that is.
Its so hard and painful to accept this fully - even when you think you have, it comes back round to slap you in the face.
You have asked her now to meet your DS and if she wanted to, she would have pursued it.
Im so sorry OP even though you don’t want anything to do with her it must be another sting to go through it again for your DS

victoriacrosshairs · 02/10/2022 09:14

But the op isn't even prepared to go herself. She's expecting adult children to facilitate it.

I don't know how I feel about this. I really think we need more context because at this point I can see both sides.

I was married. I got divorced and my ex's family cut me off. It's been 15 years. I was devastated because I loved my nieces and nephews I put emotional energy into a relationship with them and it really upset me to have that taken away, albeit I understand why it happened.

There's a young cousin now that I've never met. If someone suggested to me meeting up, if I was put on the spot I might say yes, but then on reflection decide not to go ahead in case I'd get hurt all over again.

SeptemberAlexandra · 02/10/2022 09:16

Given the scant information here, I couldn't condemn your mother as you want us to. You are very angry even after ten years.
It's interesting that she cut contact with you- maybe she feels she needed to protect herself from you. She's clearly moved on and has no great urge to see your son.

I agree. No contact can often be used as self protection and isn’t always in every case about power, manipulation and control.

StopStreet · 02/10/2022 09:16

Your mother may have a lot of her own painful emotions re not having seen your grandson for ten years. She may need time to come to terms with the idea. Two weeks isn't very long.

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