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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When people drop massive hints for favours ..

112 replies

domesofpillows · 02/10/2022 00:12

What do you do?
Do you acknowledge it? Answer as if they've asked you? Ignore it?
I have so many people in my life who drop massive hints for favours. I have to say it's mainly my mum who does this.

Such as things like: going to an event a family member has messaged me "Bob won't be able to come tomorrow because he can't get a lift and has no way of getting there".
I KNOW they want me to say "oh I'll pick Bob up".

Or "I was going to come to your house tomorrow. It will take me a while to get there. I'm not sure how many buses I'd need to get or which buses they are. Hopefully I won't get lost and I hope I'll eventually get to yours at some point in the day. I really don't know which bus to get. Do you know which?"

Usually I'll say "it's fine, I'll pick you up". Or something. But it's happened again today where I know it's a massive hint for me to do someone a favour. I'd rather they just ask that all this fannying about.
And half the time it isn't a favour I actually want to do, but feel like I should.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 02/10/2022 11:32

Thanks JustBetween - yes it was tough (and pre Google) - but I learned how to decorate, and now my kids know how to do it as well. When they got older we did their rooms together. There's no way I'd expect someone to decorate my house for free, I know what a faff it all is!

Echoecho35 · 02/10/2022 11:34

I've had a recent experience of this. Made a massive effort to see my aunt, took a flight to see her, took her out for lunch, bought her a nice expensive gift felt happy / good about doing all of that and then when I was on holiday with my family shortly after that she kept dropping hints about asking me to contribute to her charity run. When I was on holiday. Twice in quite an assertive way. It was the tone that has bothered me so much tbh. So I paypaled her a tenner but I will be taking a step back as I feel she has taken the mick and asked me for more than I was happy to give if that makes sense. I'm listening more to my gut and how relationships feel iyswim.

JustBetween · 02/10/2022 11:54

PorridgewithQuark · 02/10/2022 11:30

Obviously say no, spell out that it's a huge amount of work and not an enjoyable activity and tell her to pay for a professional to do it.

My mother used to be terrible for asking for this kind of favour through hints (not specifically painting but huge multi-day manual or volunteering type tasks). She always played down the magnitude of the tasks and implied that they were no bother for younger people and really quite "fun" 🙄 She could also afford to pay someone but liked to have family do things for her. Tbh she loved more than anything telling her friends how many people helped her.

She once had the audacity to admit, after one more glass of wine than she'd usually have, that she "knew" we loved to feel needed! At that time I had a baby and a toddler and I really did not need to feel needed by anyone else! 🤬 That's when I became completely direct with her (which caused a lot of drama tbh but eventually she stopped the hinting mostly - and not just with me but everyone).

When she used to do that she was still working age and then early retired and fairly healthy and able.

Interestingly now she actually genuinely needs help she just pays for it (luckily she can afford to).

Show quote history

I think you’re onto something about loving to tell people how you were helped. I am now thinking these are acts of service people, mixed with a little bit (quite a lot) of tightness.

Curious about what exactly you said to your mum that made her turn over a new leaf, that’s quite a turn-around. Admirable. We can all make mistakes but seeing drastic change for the better is a beautiful thing to witness.

YellowTreeHouse · 02/10/2022 11:55

Ignore it. I can’t stand hints. Just say what you bloody well mean!

JustBetween · 02/10/2022 11:56

Thelnebriati · 02/10/2022 11:32

Thanks JustBetween - yes it was tough (and pre Google) - but I learned how to decorate, and now my kids know how to do it as well. When they got older we did their rooms together. There's no way I'd expect someone to decorate my house for free, I know what a faff it all is!

Great way to bond, and the tremendous sense of achievement and pride that follows… brilliant way to raise teenagers.

ShinyS1 · 02/10/2022 11:57

Someone I know is a serial hinter. I ignore it, or would respond 'I think it would be a useful experience to work out bus routes, it's good to get out of your comfort zone now and then'. If the bus prices come up I would say 'Yes, petrol is really expensive for everyone right now'.

My serial hinter has missed out on my usual generosity because she just won't ask me outright, and I don't think she ever will.

MissingNashville · 02/10/2022 12:07

I ignore hinting. Just ask me, if I can help and I want to, I will. I like straightforward people. All my friends are like me, it keeps things simple.

We have a family member that would hint and use guilt to try to get what they want. It just doesn’t work on me and makes me dislike the person, it’s manipulation and I have no time for it.

Island77 · 02/10/2022 12:12

It’s okay to do y0ur mum a favour. But what is going too far (for me) is people who promise others favours, that they expect you to do for them.
its hard but learn to be assertive and decide on what you’re willing to do.
And from ‘their’ side ; it doesnt hurt to ask ..?
people usually remember very well which people are helpful, and come back, if you seemed to not mind last time?
You have to ‘train’ people.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/10/2022 12:18

The reason it keeps happening to you is because you keep saying you’ll do it.

Don’t. Just say ‘oh that’s a shame.’

Do an assertiveness course perhaps. You are being a doormat and people will take advantage of that.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/10/2022 12:20

Isaidnoalready · 02/10/2022 00:26

I'm pondering this at the moment the message received was are you walking to school on x day I literally walk every day they know this what they want to say is can you take my kid to school because I'm sick and the unemployed love of my life doesn't want to take our kid to school and I can't cope with them both home because I'm ill

Thing is they have burned many many bridges lately with many many people me included 😕 I'm just not sure I want to open myself up to being used and dropped again

I think I might have an "appointment"

Don't invent things to get out of being imposed on.
Just tell it like it is.

"Surely your partner can take your child to school?"

Island77 · 02/10/2022 12:23

Don’t feel like you have to justify why you cannot.
Just say, i am not available, or have other engagements.
Or win time by learning to say you’ll think about it.

it will get easier over time if you keep being consistent, people will learn.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/10/2022 12:24

I happily ignore hints-I think they are really rude. Nobody I am friends/family with would hint to me-they would ask and I would agree or not, depending on what it was!

If people do this to you a lot, you need to reconsider your responses.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 02/10/2022 12:35

eggcustard1 · 02/10/2022 09:18

Wondering why people feel it is unreasonable for their mum to catch a bus to visit them? Just curious, not being critical.

It’s car-centric culture, I’m afraid. Pervasive throughout the UK, but particularly on Mumsnet. That’s why there are so many threads knocking non-drivers. The assumption is that, because the Car is King, anyone who doesn’t drive must be a CF expecting to rely on lifts the whole time.

The flip side of this is the drivers who practically force lifts on you because of it. “Heavens no, I couldn’t possibly let you take the bus!” - as if it was somehow equivalent to walking the Hindu Kush. On this thread, it translates to “Goodness, I would never expect my mother to take a bus”.

TimBoothseyes · 02/10/2022 12:39

I just ignore them. If they want a favour they can ask.

"Bob won't be able to come tomorrow because he can't get a lift and has no way of getting there". - "Oh that's a shame, maybe he could ask someone if they are able to give him a lift".

"I was going to come to your house tomorrow. It will take me a while to get there. I'm not sure how many buses I'd need to get or which buses they are. Hopefully I won't get lost and I hope I'll eventually get to yours at some point in the day. I really don't know which bus to get. Do you know which?" - "Maybe if you asked the driver of the first bus he will be able to point you to the buses you need. See you later".

InCheesusWeTrust · 02/10/2022 12:40

I have this with "friends" from native country😂
"We would love to visit x city (i live in). It looks great looking at begining of September. The hotels look so expensive though! Might not be able to go! Do you have any idea?"
Mate, we haven't spoken in 4 years...
"Hi! Yes, it's great city! Here are some links to budget hotels. Maybe we can meet up for coffee ehen you get here"

As pps said. Ask outright or bugger off

PorridgewithQuark · 02/10/2022 12:53

JustBetween I was quite rude and there was a lot of drama, ranting, performative (metaphorical) self flagition and tears. 😳

You're right, I think, about the acts of service (as expressions of love I presume that you mean?) - I had actually never put 2+2 together there. Manipulation isn't the way to go about getting people to express love though, and big favours which take up large swathes of time from time poor people are the equivalent of gold and diamond jewelry and not something you just emotionally manipulate people into giving you on a random Tuesday 🤣. It's ultimately so egotistical (narcissistic in the ordinary sense of the word, without getting too deep into armchair psychology).

My dad got incredibly offended on her behalf as although he never has asked or hinted for a favour in his life calling her out rocked his narrative of who/ what sort of person my mum is (absolutely selfless, heart of gold, always doing things for everyone else according to my dad - when actually she's/ was more of a puppet master getting everyone else to do the favours she liberally offers around and actually doing nothing herself but pull emotional strings 😱🤣) and how we are a harmonious family with her at the heart who all adore her uncritically 😳

A lot of drama and boat rocking so you probably don't want to emulate me despite the successful outcome! It happened when a lot of things came to a head and it was just too much though (I'd spent a lot of money and time travelling for 12 hours to visit her - a planned visit to stay a week without my husband but with my then small children - and various other issues came into play (basically another relative and her completely untrained dog, which had bitten my toddler the previous visit leaving a ragged scar, had been invited at the same time despite promises this would not happen). This effectively meant that I couldn't leave the children even to go to the toilet, and the hints that I'd probably like to help with a big event her friend was organising because friend is so lovely and was in a tight spot because xyz had "unexpectedly" come up and my mum had taken on too much "as usual, tinkly laugh" with all the hosting, started.

CulturePigeon · 02/10/2022 12:58

OOh, OP, this is one of my pet hates.

The VERY least you can do, if you want help from someone, is to humbly ask politely - and give the proviso that a refusal will not offend. I ignore hints on principal. If they don't directly ask, I will not help them.

It's a cheeky trick. They don't want to be humble or to acknowledge they are asking a favour. They want to tell themselves that you offered out of the blue - so it's not on them, and they have no obligation to return the favour.

I would also make it explicit that they owe me one!

All done in the best possible polite taste, of course!!!😉

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 02/10/2022 13:03

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 02/10/2022 12:35

It’s car-centric culture, I’m afraid. Pervasive throughout the UK, but particularly on Mumsnet. That’s why there are so many threads knocking non-drivers. The assumption is that, because the Car is King, anyone who doesn’t drive must be a CF expecting to rely on lifts the whole time.

The flip side of this is the drivers who practically force lifts on you because of it. “Heavens no, I couldn’t possibly let you take the bus!” - as if it was somehow equivalent to walking the Hindu Kush. On this thread, it translates to “Goodness, I would never expect my mother to take a bus”.

Show quote history

Someone's projecting. Wink Someone said something that's hit a raw nerve with you have they?

Hawkins001 · 02/10/2022 13:11

I'm a mix i.can understandable on both sides

Sceptre86 · 02/10/2022 13:12

My bil did this after finding out we had cleaned out our garage. I laughed it off and called him a cheeky bugger who could do his own When the entitled sil said it was tough for him to do it alone I remarked that I helped my dh despite being 6 months pregnant (did more sorting than heavy lifting) she was pregnant too and needed to get her arse in gear. They got the message but are they type to hint for help but never offer to help anyone else.

Yanbu tell your mother you find it annoying and prefer her to ask you directly.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 02/10/2022 13:17

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 02/10/2022 13:03

Someone's projecting. Wink Someone said something that's hit a raw nerve with you have they?

Show quote history

I’m just stating my view based on what I’ve seen over several years on MN. No “projecting” involved.

JustBetween · 02/10/2022 15:02

PorridgewithQuark · 02/10/2022 12:53

JustBetween I was quite rude and there was a lot of drama, ranting, performative (metaphorical) self flagition and tears. 😳

You're right, I think, about the acts of service (as expressions of love I presume that you mean?) - I had actually never put 2+2 together there. Manipulation isn't the way to go about getting people to express love though, and big favours which take up large swathes of time from time poor people are the equivalent of gold and diamond jewelry and not something you just emotionally manipulate people into giving you on a random Tuesday 🤣. It's ultimately so egotistical (narcissistic in the ordinary sense of the word, without getting too deep into armchair psychology).

My dad got incredibly offended on her behalf as although he never has asked or hinted for a favour in his life calling her out rocked his narrative of who/ what sort of person my mum is (absolutely selfless, heart of gold, always doing things for everyone else according to my dad - when actually she's/ was more of a puppet master getting everyone else to do the favours she liberally offers around and actually doing nothing herself but pull emotional strings 😱🤣) and how we are a harmonious family with her at the heart who all adore her uncritically 😳

A lot of drama and boat rocking so you probably don't want to emulate me despite the successful outcome! It happened when a lot of things came to a head and it was just too much though (I'd spent a lot of money and time travelling for 12 hours to visit her - a planned visit to stay a week without my husband but with my then small children - and various other issues came into play (basically another relative and her completely untrained dog, which had bitten my toddler the previous visit leaving a ragged scar, had been invited at the same time despite promises this would not happen). This effectively meant that I couldn't leave the children even to go to the toilet, and the hints that I'd probably like to help with a big event her friend was organising because friend is so lovely and was in a tight spot because xyz had "unexpectedly" come up and my mum had taken on too much "as usual, tinkly laugh" with all the hosting, started.

Now you are opening my eyes about certain things, the way you’ve put them, claiming service to others when you’ve actually got other people to do the leg work… successfully, and being praised for it (actual grafters not praised)!

Totally recognise the saviour and leader narrative, once, the egotist in my life said something like… I’m so busy with good ideas I don’t have the time for, I’m better suited as the ideas person of the family, whilst others carry out the simpler tasks of executing them.

Original poster
domesofpillows · 02/10/2022 19:00

With my mum, she has never ever got a bus to my house in all the years I've lived away from her. She's visited 5 times in 12 years. She only lives 15 mins away. I usually go to her. Or I'll pick her up and bring her to my house.

I think what I mean is how it's frustrating for example: every year I make Christmas dinner. My DP will go and pick my mum up. Her partner does drive but rarely wants to drive.
Each year my mum will say "well, how am I going to get to your house? I'll probably have to get a taxi won't I? I don't know how much that'll cost. It'll probably cost a fortune. The buses won't be running will they? I don't know what I'll do. I'll have to think and see if there's anyone who could give me a lift but I'm not sure who will on Christmas Day?" And I'll say "mum, you know DP will pick you up so why are you saying all this?"

And she'll say "oh right! Oh well, I didn't know did I?"

This sort of thing happens a lot.
I get that she isn't direct. She does beat around the bush. She does it will lots of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
domesofpillows · 02/10/2022 19:06

@TimBoothseyes
Yes I like that.

OP posts:
Popcorns · 02/10/2022 19:08

I had this the other day, I am usually a push over and a doormat so I was glad to have an opportunity to practice being stronger!

An acquaintance who is a bit of an entitled duck with form hinted for a lift home from me. "Oh well, I suppose I better go and get my bus home...are you parked nearby? It's mad that it'll take me 30 mins on the bus, but if you dropped me off it'd be 10 minutes!"

I replied: "yeah, mad! Take care, byeee!"

It was amazing.