When people drop massive hints for favours ..

[domesofpillows]

What do you do?
Do you acknowledge it? Answer as if they've asked you? Ignore it?
I have so many people in my life who drop massive hints for favours. I have to say it's mainly my mum who does this.

Such as things like: going to an event a family member has messaged me "Bob won't be able to come tomorrow because he can't get a lift and has no way of getting there".
I KNOW they want me to say "oh I'll pick Bob up".

Or "I was going to come to your house tomorrow. It will take me a while to get there. I'm not sure how many buses I'd need to get or which buses they are. Hopefully I won't get lost and I hope I'll eventually get to yours at some point in the day. I really don't know which bus to get. Do you know which?"

Usually I'll say "it's fine, I'll pick you up". Or something. But it's happened again today where I know it's a massive hint for me to do someone a favour. I'd rather they just ask that all this fannying about.
And half the time it isn't a favour I actually want to do, but feel like I should.

[WomanStanleyWoman2]

@urgen

So drivers are literally forcing you to be given a lift?? You would of course much rather walk at 2200 at night, or when it is freezing and pouring down. Don’t talk such nonsense!

Presumably this is another non driver who claims it’s a waste of money to drive and have a car especially as all these drivers have nothing better to do then force people into their cars and drive them where they want to go for FREE of course because they would rather walk 2 miles home.

It isn’t nonsense at all. You’re not coming across as particularly bright.

I barely ever travel by car. I can probably count the number of times this year on one hand. If it was pouring down with rain and someone going my way offered me a lift, of course I’d take it - I don’t think there’s anything unusual in that. But if it’s an ordinary journey I’d have been making on the bus or train anyway, I don’t want anyone feeling obliged to offer me a lift and acting like getting public transport is some sort of terrible hardship.

Did you even read my original post? It was in response to another poster who found it odd that some people were acting like OP was a terrible daughter for letting her mother get on a bus - as did I.

[melj1213]

@urgen

So drivers are literally forcing you to be given a lift?? You would of course much rather walk at 2200 at night, or when it is freezing and pouring down. Don’t talk such nonsense!

Presumably this is another non driver who claims it’s a waste of money to drive and have a car especially as all these drivers have nothing better to do then force people into their cars and drive them where they want to go for FREE of course because they would rather walk 2 miles home.

Did you read my post? Drivers offering lifts often assume that everyone wants to be given a lift and that if you say "No I'm fine" you're waiting for them to reassure you it's fine before you accept. Not every driver does this but I have experienced it enough to know it happens.

I literally had someone trying to force a lift on me at 10pm on a summer evening where it was still light and was wonderful weather. After stressful shifts I like some quiet time, now I tend to just drive home in silence but walking home allows me time to decompress after a shift too. My coworker just couldn't seem to accept that I was happy to walk rather than be driven since it was quicker. had it been raining or freezing, or I'd had to walk 5 miles home then I might have taken her up on it, but it was a 30minutes stroll along main roads on a nice evening.

Now I have a car again and drive regularly, when leaving work if there are colleagues who walk on shift then I will ask once "You alright for getting home?" And if they say yes I don't ask further and bid them good night. If they respond with something like "I'm walking" or "I'm just texting mum/dad/DP/taxi to come and get me" I will offer a lift, if they say yes I will drop them off, if they say no then I will bid them good night.

[Popcorns]

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps

Exactly !!! LOL, as IF drivers are DESPERATE to give lifts to people who don't drive/don't have a car. Fuck that! Most drivers - including myself - have been used, and had the piss taken out of us far too many times (by cheeky fuckers expecting lifts, never offering petrol money, and using us as a free taxi service.) As IF we would INSIST we drive non-drivers around everywhere. That poster is utterly deluded! 😂

I agree.

The CFs are also, always, rubbish at giving directions when you have been good enough guilted to give a lift.

"It's that left!" -- as you pass it.

And when you ask "Which way here?" They say "That way!" While brandishing their hand indistinguishably.

[urgen]

So drivers are literally forcing you to be given a lift?? You would of course much rather walk at 2200 at night, or when it is freezing and pouring down. Don’t talk such nonsense!

Presumably this is another non driver who claims it’s a waste of money to drive and have a car especially as all these drivers have nothing better to do then force people into their cars and drive them where they want to go for FREE of course because they would rather walk 2 miles home.

[WomanStanleyWoman2]

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps

Exactly !!! LOL, as IF drivers are DESPERATE to give lifts to people who don't drive/don't have a car. Fuck that! Most drivers - including myself - have been used, and had the piss taken out of us far too many times (by cheeky fuckers expecting lifts, never offering petrol money, and using us as a free taxi service.) As IF we would INSIST we drive non-drivers around everywhere. That poster is utterly deluded! 😂

I presume I’m the poster you’re calling “deluded” somewhere amongst the exclamation mark overdose and the silly little laughing emojis?

All I can say is, I know what I’ve experienced. I really don’t need your input.

[WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps]

@urgen

I don’t agree with a PP who says it’s not all these CF who are asking/hinting for lifts…. It’s actually the drivers who are insisting on giving them a lift!

I don’t buy it. These people who proudly proclaim they don’t drive, don’t need to are EXACTLY the sort of people who drop these hints.

Exactly !!! LOL, as IF drivers are DESPERATE to give lifts to people who don't drive/don't have a car. Fuck that! Most drivers - including myself - have been used, and had the piss taken out of us far too many times (by cheeky fuckers expecting lifts, never offering petrol money, and using us as a free taxi service.) As IF we would INSIST we drive non-drivers around everywhere. That poster is utterly deluded! 😂

[melj1213]

@urgen

I don’t agree with a PP who says it’s not all these CF who are asking/hinting for lifts…. It’s actually the drivers who are insisting on giving them a lift!

I don’t buy it. These people who proudly proclaim they don’t drive, don’t need to are EXACTLY the sort of people who drop these hints.

There is a fine line though - sometimes people can be discussing their transport issues without fishing for a lift, and sometimes people are happy to walk but driver's insist on lifts - not every single case is black and white. I think it entirely depends on context.

I have been able to drive since I was 17, but after I moved back from living abroad a car wasn't a priority. I have one now but for about 5 years I walked to and from work every day (I work late shifts in a supermarket so finish at 10pm) and was more than happy to do so.

Sometimes it would start raining or I'd have had a tiring shift or it would be a big Saturday night (I had to walk through our town centre and if there was an even on at one of the pubs/clubs then walking through drunk revellers at 10.30/11pm at night was not fun) etc and decided to book a taxi home. Very occasionally it might be impossible to book a taxi, or it was an hour wait after my shift etc. If I was trying to pre-book before the end of my shift and was struggling, or it started chucking it down and I knew I couldn't call to book a taxi till my break later and it would invariably be a long wait after my shift, I would occasionally moan about it to my coworkers.

This was 100% me just venting in annoyance at the inconvenience and planning to walk home and just get wet/take the long way round etc. Sometimes a coworker would offer a lift off the back of the conversation - I was in no way fishing for one, but it could easily be taken as me hinting.

Once I got my car I obviously didn't have that issue but the other week my car was at the garage so I had walked to work. As we were leaving work that night I started walking out of the car park, only for a colleague to ask where I was going. When I explained I had walked because the car was in the garage she offered me a lift. I was happy to walk as it was a warm, light night so said thanks but I'm fine and you'd have thought I had insulted her first born. She just kept saying "It's fine, I don't mind, it's no problem, it's not really out of the way, it's no trouble" etc because she just could not seem to comprehend that I was more than happy to walk 30 minutes rather than be dropped off in 5. It took a good few minutes of me saying "Thank you but Im fine walking ... No really, I am happy to walk ... Honestly, you're fine I enjoy the walk ... Seriously I don't want a lift, please let me go home" and then just walking away before she got the hint that I really was happy walking.

[urgen]

I don’t agree with a PP who says it’s not all these CF who are asking/hinting for lifts…. It’s actually the drivers who are insisting on giving them a lift!

I don’t buy it. These people who proudly proclaim they don’t drive, don’t need to are EXACTLY the sort of people who drop these hints.

[domesofpillows]

@Popcorns
I'm the same. I don't ask for help ever, which in some ways may seem an issue in itself. I struggle to accept any kind of offers of help from anyone. I've always sorted myself out and depended on myself for everything even when it's been really hard.
I usually help others a lot and go out of my way, even if it makes things harder for me.
I'm currently reading several books on boundaries! Although it's difficult to implement!

[Popcorns]

@domesofpillows

@Popcorns
Oh god I hate this 🙈
I just hate when that sort of thing happens. It makes me die inside!
I'm so bad though, I'll go so far out of my way to help someone and then can feel really posed off afterwards that I've done it.

I remember when I was getting married and invited a relative who said "god I don't know how I'll get there. I'll probably have to get a taxi or something. I wonder what that'll cost? God .. (looking around and looking at the invite)." The venue was only a 20 min drive from their house.
I said to DP "I know they'll expect me to pick them up and take them to the venue".
DP was like "there's no chance we are giving them a lift on our wedding day! They can get a taxi for once!"

Honestly I can totally relate, I've been the same for years! And I'd mostly feel like a total mug afterwards, especially when it seemed those I'd helped out never reciprocated any act of kindness or favour.

It genuinely feels liberating to not be that person anymore! I've never expected a lift, or favours, and definitely wouldn't hint - I cant put my finger on exactly why but it feels rude! I've always sorted myself out, and planned a bus/uber if needed.

[Popcorns]

I ignore hints on principal. If they don't directly ask, I will not help them.

Love this principal.

[domesofpillows]

@Popcorns
Oh god I hate this 🙈
I just hate when that sort of thing happens. It makes me die inside!
I'm so bad though, I'll go so far out of my way to help someone and then can feel really posed off afterwards that I've done it.

I remember when I was getting married and invited a relative who said "god I don't know how I'll get there. I'll probably have to get a taxi or something. I wonder what that'll cost? God .. (looking around and looking at the invite)." The venue was only a 20 min drive from their house.
I said to DP "I know they'll expect me to pick them up and take them to the venue".
DP was like "there's no chance we are giving them a lift on our wedding day! They can get a taxi for once!"

[Popcorns]

I had this the other day, I am usually a push over and a doormat so I was glad to have an opportunity to practice being stronger!

An acquaintance who is a bit of an entitled duck with form hinted for a lift home from me. "Oh well, I suppose I better go and get my bus home...are you parked nearby? It's mad that it'll take me 30 mins on the bus, but if you dropped me off it'd be 10 minutes!"

I replied: "yeah, mad! Take care, byeee!"

It was amazing.

[domesofpillows]

@TimBoothseyes
Yes I like that.

[domesofpillows]

With my mum, she has never ever got a bus to my house in all the years I've lived away from her. She's visited 5 times in 12 years. She only lives 15 mins away. I usually go to her. Or I'll pick her up and bring her to my house.

I think what I mean is how it's frustrating for example: every year I make Christmas dinner. My DP will go and pick my mum up. Her partner does drive but rarely wants to drive.
Each year my mum will say "well, how am I going to get to your house? I'll probably have to get a taxi won't I? I don't know how much that'll cost. It'll probably cost a fortune. The buses won't be running will they? I don't know what I'll do. I'll have to think and see if there's anyone who could give me a lift but I'm not sure who will on Christmas Day?" And I'll say "mum, you know DP will pick you up so why are you saying all this?"
And she'll say "oh right! Oh well, I didn't know did I?"

This sort of thing happens a lot.
I get that she isn't direct. She does beat around the bush. She does it will lots of things.

[JustBetween]

@PorridgewithQuark

JustBetween I was quite rude and there was a lot of drama, ranting, performative (metaphorical) self flagition and tears. 😳

You're right, I think, about the acts of service (as expressions of love I presume that you mean?) - I had actually never put 2+2 together there. Manipulation isn't the way to go about getting people to express love though, and big favours which take up large swathes of time from time poor people are the equivalent of gold and diamond jewelry and not something you just emotionally manipulate people into giving you on a random Tuesday 🤣. It's ultimately so egotistical (narcissistic in the ordinary sense of the word, without getting too deep into armchair psychology).

My dad got incredibly offended on her behalf as although he never has asked or hinted for a favour in his life calling her out rocked his narrative of who/ what sort of person my mum is (absolutely selfless, heart of gold, always doing things for everyone else according to my dad - when actually she's/ was more of a puppet master getting everyone else to do the favours she liberally offers around and actually doing nothing herself but pull emotional strings 😱🤣) and how we are a harmonious family with her at the heart who all adore her uncritically 😳

A lot of drama and boat rocking so you probably don't want to emulate me despite the successful outcome! It happened when a lot of things came to a head and it was just too much though (I'd spent a lot of money and time travelling for 12 hours to visit her - a planned visit to stay a week without my husband but with my then small children - and various other issues came into play (basically another relative and her completely untrained dog, which had bitten my toddler the previous visit leaving a ragged scar, had been invited at the same time despite promises this would not happen). This effectively meant that I couldn't leave the children even to go to the toilet, and the hints that I'd probably like to help with a big event her friend was organising because friend is so lovely and was in a tight spot because xyz had "unexpectedly" come up and my mum had taken on too much "as usual, tinkly laugh" with all the hosting, started.

Now you are opening my eyes about certain things, the way you’ve put them, claiming service to others when you’ve actually got other people to do the leg work… successfully, and being praised for it (actual grafters not praised)!

Totally recognise the saviour and leader narrative, once, the egotist in my life said something like… I’m so busy with good ideas I don’t have the time for, I’m better suited as the ideas person of the family, whilst others carry out the simpler tasks of executing them.

[WomanStanleyWoman2]

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps

Someone's projecting. Someone said something that's hit a raw nerve with you have they?

I’m just stating my view based on what I’ve seen over several years on MN. No “projecting” involved.

[Sceptre86]

My bil did this after finding out we had cleaned out our garage. I laughed it off and called him a cheeky bugger who could do his own When the entitled sil said it was tough for him to do it alone I remarked that I helped my dh despite being 6 months pregnant (did more sorting than heavy lifting) she was pregnant too and needed to get her arse in gear. They got the message but are they type to hint for help but never offer to help anyone else.

Yanbu tell your mother you find it annoying and prefer her to ask you directly.

[Hawkins001]

I'm a mix i.can understandable on both sides

[WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps]

@WomanStanleyWoman2

It’s car-centric culture, I’m afraid. Pervasive throughout the UK, but particularly on Mumsnet. That’s why there are so many threads knocking non-drivers. The assumption is that, because the Car is King, anyone who doesn’t drive must be a CF expecting to rely on lifts the whole time.

The flip side of this is the drivers who practically force lifts on you because of it. “Heavens no, I couldn’t possibly let you take the bus!” - as if it was somehow equivalent to walking the Hindu Kush. On this thread, it translates to “Goodness, I would never expect my mother to take a bus”.

Someone's projecting. Someone said something that's hit a raw nerve with you have they?

[CulturePigeon]

OOh, OP, this is one of my pet hates.

The VERY least you can do, if you want help from someone, is to humbly ask politely - and give the proviso that a refusal will not offend. I ignore hints on principal. If they don't directly ask, I will not help them.

It's a cheeky trick. They don't want to be humble or to acknowledge they are asking a favour. They want to tell themselves that you offered out of the blue - so it's not on them, and they have no obligation to return the favour.

I would also make it explicit that they owe me one!

All done in the best possible polite taste, of course!!!😉

[PorridgewithQuark]

JustBetween I was quite rude and there was a lot of drama, ranting, performative (metaphorical) self flagition and tears. 😳

You're right, I think, about the acts of service (as expressions of love I presume that you mean?) - I had actually never put 2+2 together there. Manipulation isn't the way to go about getting people to express love though, and big favours which take up large swathes of time from time poor people are the equivalent of gold and diamond jewelry and not something you just emotionally manipulate people into giving you on a random Tuesday 🤣. It's ultimately so egotistical (narcissistic in the ordinary sense of the word, without getting too deep into armchair psychology).

My dad got incredibly offended on her behalf as although he never has asked or hinted for a favour in his life calling her out rocked his narrative of who/ what sort of person my mum is (absolutely selfless, heart of gold, always doing things for everyone else according to my dad - when actually she's/ was more of a puppet master getting everyone else to do the favours she liberally offers around and actually doing nothing herself but pull emotional strings 😱🤣) and how we are a harmonious family with her at the heart who all adore her uncritically 😳

A lot of drama and boat rocking so you probably don't want to emulate me despite the successful outcome! It happened when a lot of things came to a head and it was just too much though (I'd spent a lot of money and time travelling for 12 hours to visit her - a planned visit to stay a week without my husband but with my then small children - and various other issues came into play (basically another relative and her completely untrained dog, which had bitten my toddler the previous visit leaving a ragged scar, had been invited at the same time despite promises this would not happen). This effectively meant that I couldn't leave the children even to go to the toilet, and the hints that I'd probably like to help with a big event her friend was organising because friend is so lovely and was in a tight spot because xyz had "unexpectedly" come up and my mum had taken on too much "as usual, tinkly laugh" with all the hosting, started.

[InCheesusWeTrust]

I have this with "friends" from native country😂
"We would love to visit x city (i live in). It looks great looking at begining of September. The hotels look so expensive though! Might not be able to go! Do you have any idea?"
Mate, we haven't spoken in 4 years...
"Hi! Yes, it's great city! Here are some links to budget hotels. Maybe we can meet up for coffee ehen you get here"

As pps said. Ask outright or bugger off

[TimBoothseyes]

I just ignore them. If they want a favour they can ask.

"Bob won't be able to come tomorrow because he can't get a lift and has no way of getting there". - "Oh that's a shame, maybe he could ask someone if they are able to give him a lift".

"I was going to come to your house tomorrow. It will take me a while to get there. I'm not sure how many buses I'd need to get or which buses they are. Hopefully I won't get lost and I hope I'll eventually get to yours at some point in the day. I really don't know which bus to get. Do you know which?" - "Maybe if you asked the driver of the first bus he will be able to point you to the buses you need. See you later".

[WomanStanleyWoman2]

@eggcustard1

Wondering why people feel it is unreasonable for their mum to catch a bus to visit them? Just curious, not being critical.

It’s car-centric culture, I’m afraid. Pervasive throughout the UK, but particularly on Mumsnet. That’s why there are so many threads knocking non-drivers. The assumption is that, because the Car is King, anyone who doesn’t drive must be a CF expecting to rely on lifts the whole time.

The flip side of this is the drivers who practically force lifts on you because of it. “Heavens no, I couldn’t possibly let you take the bus!” - as if it was somehow equivalent to walking the Hindu Kush. On this thread, it translates to “Goodness, I would never expect my mother to take a bus”.