When people drop massive hints for favours ..

[domesofpillows]

What do you do?
Do you acknowledge it? Answer as if they've asked you? Ignore it?
I have so many people in my life who drop massive hints for favours. I have to say it's mainly my mum who does this.

Such as things like: going to an event a family member has messaged me "Bob won't be able to come tomorrow because he can't get a lift and has no way of getting there".
I KNOW they want me to say "oh I'll pick Bob up".

Or "I was going to come to your house tomorrow. It will take me a while to get there. I'm not sure how many buses I'd need to get or which buses they are. Hopefully I won't get lost and I hope I'll eventually get to yours at some point in the day. I really don't know which bus to get. Do you know which?"

Usually I'll say "it's fine, I'll pick you up". Or something. But it's happened again today where I know it's a massive hint for me to do someone a favour. I'd rather they just ask that all this fannying about.
And half the time it isn't a favour I actually want to do, but feel like I should.

Wondering why people feel it is unreasonable for their mum to catch a bus to visit them? Just curious, not being critical.

I also hate hints. Because it basically tells me that the person thinks that I should have offered, and they are actually having to HINT to get me to offer. As people have said, its passive aggressive, manipulative, and very annoying. People often HINT when they know they're being fucking cheeky. Asking for lifts constantly is a cheek! The more that people ask, the less likely they are to offer petrol money IMO.

It's not just lifts though.

Me and DH love our garden. We've got quite a big garden and I spend quite a lot of time in it. I love my flowers and I just love pottering around the garden, and he makes the lawns look really nice and the hedges and trees look nice.

At least three or four people every single summer between April and September say 'you can come and do my garden if you want to,' and 'you can come and paint my fence if you want to,' and 'you can come and mow my lawns and cut my hedges, if you want to.' Just joking.. But are they? I HATE these annoying silly 'jokey' hints.

An absolute Corker for me was........ A couple in their late 20s/early 30s, moved sort of opposite us about 9 or 10 months ago. His parents live about 30 miles away and they visit maybe once a month or so. About a month ago, I was in the garden doing some weeding and trimming a couple of bushes. The young man's dad called over to me and said 'feel free to do Liz and Dan's garden if you like. You can see they're struggling with it, with the weeds growing a bit out of control and the lawn 6 inches high. Feel free to help!' with a kind of look.

What absolute cast iron cheeky fuckery. They've been there about eight or nine months, I've only spoken to them briefly a couple of times, I hardly ever see them, and I'd never met and spoken to this man (the dad) before in my life. I don't know what made him think it was okay to TELL some random stranger to help his ADULT son and girlfriend to help them with the garden. I just looked at him and said ' ha! we struggle enough with our own garden It's big, and we're not getting any younger,' and I popped into the house and got a card for him that a local gardener had popped through the letterbox for gardening services.

He said 'ooh no, they're not paying anyone. They've got all their own tools here. Lawnmower and everything.' So the cheeky fucker is expecting people to help his son and girlfriend for FREE. Unbelievable. I said (again) 'me and my husband struggle with ours sometimes, and have had to get paid gardeners to help from time to time, so there's really no chance of us doing it. If anything, WE could do with the help!.' He said nothing and walked off. Arsehole!

I ignore hints on principle.
If someone wants something from me they can do my the basic courtesy of asking .
I may or may not say yes

Another example I've got. My husband works with a few women - and one woman (early 40s,) seems to constantly have boyfriends who pay for everything for her. Never married, no children, but always has a man who pays for everything for her. Including her rent, phone contract, meals out, and sometimes clothes and her bills.

The last boyfriend she had was for about three years, and he dumped her about six months ago. She claims he used to pay her rent for her. About £650 a month. And now she cannot afford it on her own.

For the last three or four months, she's literally been moaning and complaining that she can't afford her rent and bills. (To my husband and a couple of other men in the office.)

Basically, she's hinting, to try to get these men to pay her rent and bills for her. She keeps saying 'I don't think I'm going to be able to stay in my flat much longer coz I can't afford it. I can't afford anything.'

Me and my husband booked a holiday to Croatia for next spring. And we also recently updated the car to a plate five years newer than our older one. For some reason, this woman now assume we've got thousands and thousands of pounds of surplus income.

She actually asked DH if he could lend her 900 pounds to pay off a bill. When he said 'no absolutely not. My wife is in control of the money.' (I'm not but he told her this,) she moved on to another man in the office and asked him. He just laughed and said 'yeah, my wife would love it... Me giving 900 pounds to a random woman at work. 900 pounds of our family money!'

My husband said she's constantly on the Internet at work, hunting down a new, rich man. As time goes on she is finding it much harder to get someone!

But yeah, this woman hinting around the men at work that she needs money. Fucking cheek!

"Oh that's a shame." On repeat. If they ask outright and you're happy to do it, then fine. But always hold out until they ask. Maybe they'll get the hint themselves!

I've got a rhino hide. I only do what I want to do. I hate the hint droppers, just come out and ask!

Oh I enjoy ignoring these. Not ignoring as in saying nothing but for example if me and my friend were ever out (me driving) she'd always say "I'm starving now I'd love a cheeseburger" meaning she wanted to stop at Mcdonalds! I'd just say something like I'm hungry too I've got xyz to make later on. This "friend" (we no longer speak as she used me for everything) hinted for everything all the bloody time, lifts, food, money etc. It drove me nuts that shed never just ask outright but I did enjoy being able to just dismiss them!!!

I’ve got a situation with my sister right now… she has been hinting extremely heavily and frequently for weeks - she wants me to paint her house. She is fit and healthy, although she has two very young children. I think the idea is that she has her hands full with the children and doesn’t know how to paint.

If she were disabled, or couldn’t afford to hire a painter decorator, I would possibly do it. I am feeling rather guilty having said “no” finally.
Is fresh paint an essential need? It’s not like I’m leaving her to starve.
It would never occur to me to ask anyone to paint my home.
I’ve learned how to do it over the years out of necessity and it’s not rocket science. And if I’m not in the right place to do it just then, I wait until I am. I haven’t painted my own home for more than a decade!

Sister is now unhappy because she said I have more time and energy to do it because I have no children. What would others here do?

Perhaps if I were a man, and very handy, I might see how she might have that expectation, but I’m neither of those things.

Tell her to hire someone. Your free time is just that, yours. Cheeky mare.

Same

@JustBetween no way would I paint her house! I painted mine we moved in and it was hard work, the only thing that got me through it was thinking how much I would enjoy my own home.

Your sister seems to be using you.

I'm less likely to say yes to a hinter. I don't know why they don't see this.

This

second example - try the internet I’m sure they have an online route tracker etc

This

Having invited someone to dinner I would not expect to pick them up and entertain them and then drop them home - two hour dinner fine - two hour dinner and four hours picking them up and then home etc just no

Sister is now unhappy because she said I have more time and energy to do it because I have no children. What would others here do?

I was a single parent and did the decorating myself at night into the early hours. It was gruelling, I had to go to the library and learn how to do it so I didn't waste any effort, time or money. It took several months.
I hate being dependant on others and it wouldn't occur to me to drop hints. If I need help I ask for it and offer to barter something in return. If the person doesn't want to, that's fine.

I don’t pick up on hints - that’s not deliberate; I just don’t make that connection.

people who know me, know they need to ask directly. I’m more than happy to help but having to ask seems to be a huge hurdle for some people. I don’t understand why.

This. I would just say oh it's such a shame that Bob will miss it. If it's no effort for me I would offer but if it's an inconvenience then I would just pretend not to get the hint and change the subject .

I'd say I don't want to do it.

If she sulks that's up to her.

I have to say she has form for this.

I remember how tough painting was, that’s why professional painter decorators are not cheap. My sister comes from another country where household servants were the norm, her and her father (different dads), seem to mistake family and random people as free labour.

Her dad once offered to treat me to a coffee, and then asked me to tidy up his garden, on the strength of a coffee! 😂 That’s how they think and operate. I know it sounds far fetched, but it’s absolutely true.

If you are asking for help, with paint or a garden, or whatever else it is, it’s best you muck in for your own stuff as well, rather than sit around like Lord or Lady of the manor whist others do non essential large favours for you. It’s astonishing.

Many people want little to do with them as a result of this. My poor sister then is a bit isolated. I do feel genuinely sorry for her on that front. It’s not her fault she was raised that way. It’s hard to learn new ways in the world.

The lift hints are the worst. On MN people claim they don’t drive but would never impose on others.

But it’s rife in real life and I suspect these hinters want someone to ‘offer’ so that they can claim they never asked - someone offered.

There is a difference between
a) concealing an ask into a hint hoping someone will offer; and
b) what they are asking for/hinting at being complete cheeky fuckery.

a) is what this thread is about I think?

I'd tell my mother straight out to ask directly.

People do this because they want to be able to say "I didn't ask, you offered!" if you dare mention that doing the favour has had a knock on effect on other things planned for the day.

It's nothing to do with politeness and everything to do with making sure that they don't owe you anything because you wanted to do whatever it is.

That sounds so difficult! You must have been bone tired getting through the days! See, that makes me want to do it. It sounds like a really hard time, it must feel sad to think there is no support and you have to survive on your own with kids. I hope things are a lot easier for you now, are you children now grown if we’re talking pre-Google?

However, in this situation, my sister has the funds for hired help, she just doesn’t want to part with cash if it can be done free. We all want free, I would just not be able to bring myself to ask someone to take on such an arduous undertaking if it were not necessary. I would happily dip into my pocket, or do it myself if I were able to get childcare.

Obviously say no, spell out that it's a huge amount of work and not an enjoyable activity and tell her to pay for a professional to do it.

My mother used to be terrible for asking for this kind of favour through hints (not specifically painting but huge multi-day manual or volunteering type tasks). She always played down the magnitude of the tasks and implied that they were no bother for younger people and really quite "fun" 🙄 She could also afford to pay someone but liked to have family do things for her. Tbh she loved more than anything telling her friends how many people helped her.

She once had the audacity to admit, after one more glass of wine than she'd usually have, that she "knew" we loved to feel needed! At that time I had a baby and a toddler and I really did not need to feel needed by anyone else! 🤬 That's when I became completely direct with her (which caused a lot of drama tbh but eventually she stopped the hinting mostly - and not just with me but everyone).

When she used to do that she was still working age and then early retired and fairly healthy and able.

Interestingly now she actually genuinely needs help she just pays for it (luckily she can afford to).