When people drop massive hints for favours ..

[domesofpillows]

What do you do?
Do you acknowledge it? Answer as if they've asked you? Ignore it?
I have so many people in my life who drop massive hints for favours. I have to say it's mainly my mum who does this.

Such as things like: going to an event a family member has messaged me "Bob won't be able to come tomorrow because he can't get a lift and has no way of getting there".
I KNOW they want me to say "oh I'll pick Bob up".

Or "I was going to come to your house tomorrow. It will take me a while to get there. I'm not sure how many buses I'd need to get or which buses they are. Hopefully I won't get lost and I hope I'll eventually get to yours at some point in the day. I really don't know which bus to get. Do you know which?"

Usually I'll say "it's fine, I'll pick you up". Or something. But it's happened again today where I know it's a massive hint for me to do someone a favour. I'd rather they just ask that all this fannying about.
And half the time it isn't a favour I actually want to do, but feel like I should.

Happily ignore any hints - if someone doesn’t want to be direct then you don’t need to try to understand them or work out what they want

"Are you asking for a lift Mum, or do you want me to help you work out the buses?"

I was in a women’s social group and one of the major reasons I left was a particular woman posting in every event/activity that was planned:
‘oh I’d so love to do this but it will be very difficult for me to get there as I don’t drive. I’ll try to walk, as I don’t know if there are any buses and I really hope I don’t get lost and arrive really late, although I probably will, as I’m not very good with maps. It will be a very long walk, but I will do my very best to arrive as I want to support the group.’

Then someone would offer a lift and she’d act super surprised that this was an option and that she’d never considered asking as she didn’t want to be a bother.
EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!!

It used to irritate me so much, seeing this communication around every activity we had planned.

She would also tell everyone within earshot that she didn’t drive, but would never expect lifts from anyone as she could always find alternative means of getting around.

I have a dh, who too readily says no. Smoothing the way works. I am a direct person and find hinting difficult. I am wondering if some people may hint as they have been brought up by parents, who say no a lot.

I don't even let my young children get away with this. Ask for what you want politely and be prepared that the answer might not always be yes.

I can not stand hinting and "beating around the bush" or someone expecting me to guess what they want. That's a guaranteed way to have your desire ignored.

Hinting is passive aggressive and annoying! Either acknowledge what they're really saying by saying yes I can take you or sorry she can't make it I'm unable to take h r this time
Or just ignore and play along "oh that's a shame" etc
I do a mix of both

Meh, I don't know. I think if they're just trying to get you to do it without having to ask, that is annoying. But there are definitely situations where I might think the person might want to help, but if they don't want to help and I ask a direct question they will feel obliged to do it and I don't want that, so if I just mention it once they can take that as their cue and offer if they want, and not if they don't. But the key thing is to mention it once and if they don't bite, let it go!

When people do this I ignore them. When people ask outright for the favour, I'll do it. I respect that more so I do it

I have a a friend who does this. It feels like it's so she won't owe me as I have offered. **

I think you are being a bit harsh, some people have been bought up to think it’s ‘rude’ to ask for things for themselves.
Eg Christmas is coming up, I have a friend who always buys me a present and I know roughly how much she spends.

Should I say ‘hi Friend T I have seen X and I would really like you to buy it for me for Christmas’. Thus getting something I want in her price range.

But what if she is skint this year, or thinking about the environment so no presents? Now I have put her under pressure to buy it or explain she has no money.

It’s a minefield!

Just for balance Op, there's lots of threads on here where people moan about anyone wanting a lift so I generally don't ask anyone. If someone offers lovely but no obvious hints. I'd pick your DM up if I were you, public transport is getting so bad now

It’s just how some people are. I bet your mum has no idea it infuriates you. How about:
’mum, I’ll pick you up but if you want a lift in future please just ask rather than this hinting which drives me nuts’.
ad infinitum until she gets the messsge.

No, in that situation you don’t say anything at all.

If she is buying you a present and wants ideas she will ask.

If you want to discuss it, have an actual conversation. ‘are we doing presents this year? Is there anything in particular you would like me to get you’ is fine.

By dropping hints, you are making her aware that you are assuming she is getting you something. So if she wasn’t, she will feel that she should anyway, because you expect it.

I don't respond to hints at all

Stop doing these favours, all these people sound awful.

Yeah but sometimes people think you are hinting when you are genuinely not and I hate that too!

Regarding Bob, I agree with pp, 'oh that's a shame'

As it's your mum, I'd start asking her straight 'Mum, if you want me to pick you up, all you have to do is ask, or are you just having a moan about public transport'?

I hate a hint

Just say, 'Oh that's a shame, I wish I couple help but (x)'

People usually stop asking.

It’s the ‘Ask Culture vs Guest Culture’ issue:

Article

Interesting stuff - all based on how you were brought up!

I'm pondering this at the moment the message received was are you walking to school on x day I literally walk every day they know this what they want to say is can you take my kid to school because I'm sick and the unemployed love of my life doesn't want to take our kid to school and I can't cope with them both home because I'm ill

Someone I used to be friends with used to text me this. The absolute piss take being she lives on the same street as the school, can literally see the school from her living room! And muggings here used to take her kids to save her a 2 minute walk 🤦‍♀️

In my experience people only do this if you let them get away with it. I wouldn't want my DMum catching buses to come to me (unless I couldn't go to her) but for other things I'd face head on, call it out and dismiss it as a "can't do". Re Bob "Oh that's a shame. I'm sure he'll fine a way if he wants to go though" and leave it. If she says "X needs some shopping" I reply "Oh dear, well I'm sorry I can't manage it this week" and leave it. (Assuming it's not something really needed and not something you want to do but just one of the many requests).

Agree with this

I don't offer.
I don't suggest solutions because they'll only come back with how that isn't possible.

Vague replies are best.
Hope you sort something out.
That's a shame.

That sort of thing.

I used to always cave to the hints. However these days unless you ask me outright, I play dumb. Works a treat.