Furious at another Mum

[Pastryapronsucks]

What are your thoughts about this? My 13 nearly 14 YO DD went to
the park with 4 friends this afternoon. She text to say they popping in to 1 of their home let's call him Dave (she hasn't been before). 40 mins later she was home and absolutely fine.

About an hour later she ran out to me in the garden in floods of tear. Daves mum had called her on his phone demanding my number and our address, she threatened if DD didn't give it to her she would call the school on Monday. She accused DD of taking gin. DD absolutely denied it and said she was only in the kitchen a few minutes nor did she think any of the others would.

I had a missed call from the woman so rang her back she said she was calling me because she was 'concerned and thought I should be aware of this worrying behaviour'. Apparently 500ml of gin had gone (that's nearly a pint FFS). I told her I had spoken to DD and has flatly denied it. The woman then said DD had slurred when she spoke to her on the phone (DD has a lisp). She rode her bike home and was talking perfectly lucidly. I am 100% certain she hasn't drunk anything.

The woman accused me of ignoring this behaviour and I am storing up trouble for myself in the future and will regret it! At this point I was quite angry and asked what grounds she had to acuse my DD and suggested that she allows young people in her home she should take more responsibility, or perhaps look to her own son. I told her I am extremely unhappy that she approached and accused my daughter and has caused her so much distress, poor thing was absolutely distraught and thinks she is going to get into trouble at school.

The woman said things have been disappearing in her home. I reminded her DD had never been round before and will certainly never be visiting again. The woman said she clearly wasnt getting anywhere so would be calling the school on Monday.

I think she has been trying to get the numbers of the other children and DD has been told never to give information to any one again but to come directly to us. I am realybshaken up by the whole thing. This isn't normal is it?

Let her call, she will sound like a lunatic and will get nowhere

Did she sound drunk ? Maybe raise it with teh school ? Hi estou that’s just not ok at all

Dave's mum can't find the gin and is going into a tail spin over it. I obviously have no idea of the details, but there's clearly trouble at home and this almost certainly has fuck all to do with your DD.

Make sure DD knows not to go to Dave's house again. She should stay away.

I wouldn't worry too much about the school. I'm not even sure what they would do with that info from Dave's mum, especially since it's going to be contradicted by other peope. It's not really evidence of anything.

What is she expecting the school to do ? It didn't happen at school

Dave's mum probably drank it herself and forgot.

@Eupraxia
“I'm DSL in school. If you report, it would come to me to action. I am also parents to four teens / preteens who are not angels. Do nothing “

if you’re a DSL then you’re a pretty shit one; we all know that any small thing can be the final piece in the jigsaw and that nothing should be negated or ignored, just in case. And the same goes to @WhiskersPete who is a teacher and should recently have redone safe guarding treating.

OP; i would speak to school, in a way that whilst you know that it it nothing to do with them and you’re not expecting them to do anything, but this is the situation, your DD is upset because of it and you just thought they should be aware. Yes, it may be (and probably is) nothing but it doesn’t hurt to flag it up. Your DD can then be reassured that school know and she is not in trouble.

4 teens hanging out at the park and then 'popping in' to one of theirs? lol
They, as a group of aimless teens, figured 'Dave's' was the easiest place to score some alcohol to continue their hanging out at the park. For, whatever reason, Dave's mum wasn't a pushover and they were found out. Dave's mum knows the group of them are guilty and it trying to find one to crack.

All guilty. All need to find a better hobby than hanging out at the park trying to figure out the easiest mark to score some alcohol 🤷‍♀️

Big fuss about nothing. Your dd is not an innocent victim here no matter how 'open' you feel you are cos you let her have a drink at Christmas 😂

Does school care about outside stuff?

Could you smell alcohol? If she drank it all she would he wasted and drunk, yes she may have had a share but why would the school care???

I would ignore it. Tell your DD to only ever speak to Dave if she has reliable witnesses around, and never to go near his house or his mum again.

If the school contact you - tell them it is all untrue and leave it at that.

I discovered at my middle sons wedding in July this year via his best mans speech that the missing and watered down alcohol I blamed on my eldest was actually his younger brother and his friends, these things happen, but it could be any of them and Daves mum didnt react very well to this at all

Really surprised the safeguarding person said don’t call school - I thought the point of safeguarding was the give information as it comes up so you get puzzle pieces that fit together? I’m in education.
i think Dave’s mum is a drinker, so therefore Dave thinks it normal to drink. Dave and maybe another friend have poured drink into a bottle and are going to drink it later. Mum is keeping a watchful eye on that gin.

if you’re a DSL then you’re a pretty shit one; we all know that any small thing can be the final piece in the jigsaw and that nothing should be negated or ignored, just in case. And the same goes to @WhiskersPete who is a teacher and should recently have redone safe guarding treating.

Yes I have done extensive safeguarding training recently and funnily enough there was no mention of parents reporting completely non-school related issues to school.

What exactly do you think is the safeguarding issue here then? It certainly isn't the school's responsibility to reassure OP's DD that she has done nothing wrong. Nor is it to police a teen who may be stealing alcohol from their parent outside of school hours. Don't you think schools have enough to do dealing with genuine safeguarding concerns?

@WhiskersPete the safeguarding point here is that you don’t know the bigger picture here; you don’t know if school are already aware of a few issues with Dave and his home situation: you don’t know if mum does have a drinking problem or that the kids are just being kids and stealing spirits at a young age. The point is that you don’t know-and as your safeguarding lead will have told you, any small point might be that last piece in the jigsaw that illuminates the whole thing.

If you read my post you can see that I’m not saying that school should be involved in students home lives and policing childrens activities and actions outside school, but the thing here, is that you don’t know if this call from mum and the situation is indicative of something else or not. It’s concerning that you’ve been through safeguarding training and that you don’t realise that.

Why is Dave’s mum wanting to ring school because she can’t find her gin , bizzare woman I’d be amused to answer that phone call on Monday.
ignore the woman she needs to look closer to home .

Best case scenario she's a raging alcoholic that will come to her senses tomorrow and realise she has sunk the gin herself.

How is this the best case scenario?! If she does have a drinking problem then I’d be really concerned about her own son.

Contact the school do they are aware. I had similar with a completely out of order mother when ds3 was in year 8. She rang me at 8am and started screaming down the phone at me.
In our case crazy lady was emailing kids directly using her son’s school email account (even though he had left the school). Luckily in our case everything she was complaining about was on email so there was a very clear record of what happened & it was nothing like her account. She also threatened police although god knows what about.

We let school know & went very sensibly through everything with ds3 Looking at exactly what had happened. I told him to never contact the child again and not to respond if the child contacted him. They were not in the same school anymore so no need and there was too much of a risk that the mother would accuse ds3 of doing things he hadn’t (as had happened - ds3 was completely freaked out so there was no problem with this rule.) We made him delete and block the child on all social media. I felt sorry for her son, he’d just been a typical giving it large year 8 boy, but the mother’s accusations were just too much of a risk. I ignored any further calls from the mother - the messages she left showed it wasn’t going up be possible to have a sensible conversation with her so no point.

I'm the DSL from earlier in the thread.

There is no evidence here Dave's being "a drinker", just because she has a bottle of gin in the home.

Safeguarding info from the OP is:

• Adult allegedly aggressive to another adult. Subjective. Would be noted on both children's files about parents - so OP as well. Schools are not here to take sides.

If other parent contacts school, she can provide allegations that 4 children might have drank alcohol. That would be noted on safeguarding file of all four children. Parents of 4 linked students might be contacted by school, OP would say she is aware and considers info false. That would be noted. End of incident.

OP, with third hand and denied info, is providing unsubstantiated info if she contacts school stand-alone about the allegation. It can't be taken as credible info. Squabbling parents frequently make embellished reports about children for malicious reasons. DSLs don't have time to unpick squabbling parents arguments for such a low level incident that is denied anyway.

My point is there is no need to pre-empt by contacting school. OP hasn't info to share with DSL aside from squabbling with another parent - it's not schools job to unpick that.

Yes it is safeguarding. The school don’t have to do anything but they should know that Dave’s mother rings and shouts at children directly.

We raised our situation as a safeguarding because a) crazy lady was using a school email account to contact & threaten children directly - hugely inappropriate & b) the school account she was using belonged to someone who had left the school.

I agree with this. A mum has also displayed threatening behaviour towards a child over the whereabouts of alcohol. It's pretty grim either way.

I'd ignore it. If she is an alcoholic, she's clearly in denial so you can't help her anyway. And the likelihood is if she is, she will have forgotten by Monday anyway drinking it away. Nothing to be done, leave her to her mess. The school won't do anything except probably consider social services against the mother. That's what I'd do if someone phoned me ranting about alcohol being 'stolen' over a weekend. It's got nothing to do with the school, but says a lot about the priorities of the person phoning.

Nothing for op to do. She isn't responsible for this woman.

Given the kids' ages I can't imagine the school will be interested in what they got up to on the weekend! Just tell your DD that some people are weird and she's not to go to that house again.

Ask your dd why she thinks the school will put her in isolation for someone making an untrue accusation about her out of school.

The woman is clearly unhinged and either has an alcohol problem or the gin was taken and decanted for later rather than drank (which doesn't mean your dd knows about it).

But your DDs reaction of complete panic over getting into trouble over something she says she didn't do is also extreme. You need to work with her about not getting so anxious - staying calm and explaining when asked what the truth is. Teen years are often littered with being accused of things you didn't do or being questioned about things.

Although I'm wondering if I'm the only one slightly suspicious they may have all decanted it for later/ a future party and the reaction is because they've been caught?!

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

Nope. I'm with @Eupraxia on this one who is a DSL after all. There is literally no evidence of a safeguarding concern at all apart from some very subjective views that Dave's mum may be a drinker.

No evidence of neglect. No evidence of abuse. Nothing that could justify any action from the school or to meet the threshold for social services investigation.

Also, just checked this with DH who is a social worker and they agree.

This thread is hilarious. 4 teenagers hanging out and some gin goes missing from the cupboard. Lots of people on MN think the mum is an alcoholic and OP should contact the dsl at school! This is completely classic teenage behaviour. I remember it from my own teens and I hear about it from parents of teens now. I’m not saying OP’s daughter nicked the gin. How would she even know where the drinks cupboard was? My money is on Dave, who clearly isn’t going to fess up because he knows his mother thinks he is angelic and that she totally overreacts.

I could understand if Dave had at any point expressed concern about his mum's drinking. E.g. "my mum gets so hammered and rings people accusing them of stealing her gin" then you might have something to go off but what has happened is complete speculation. There are no real indications that this is the case beyond the speculations of people on Mumsnet.