Furious at another Mum

[Pastryapronsucks]

What are your thoughts about this? My 13 nearly 14 YO DD went to
the park with 4 friends this afternoon. She text to say they popping in to 1 of their home let's call him Dave (she hasn't been before). 40 mins later she was home and absolutely fine.

About an hour later she ran out to me in the garden in floods of tear. Daves mum had called her on his phone demanding my number and our address, she threatened if DD didn't give it to her she would call the school on Monday. She accused DD of taking gin. DD absolutely denied it and said she was only in the kitchen a few minutes nor did she think any of the others would.

I had a missed call from the woman so rang her back she said she was calling me because she was 'concerned and thought I should be aware of this worrying behaviour'. Apparently 500ml of gin had gone (that's nearly a pint FFS). I told her I had spoken to DD and has flatly denied it. The woman then said DD had slurred when she spoke to her on the phone (DD has a lisp). She rode her bike home and was talking perfectly lucidly. I am 100% certain she hasn't drunk anything.

The woman accused me of ignoring this behaviour and I am storing up trouble for myself in the future and will regret it! At this point I was quite angry and asked what grounds she had to acuse my DD and suggested that she allows young people in her home she should take more responsibility, or perhaps look to her own son. I told her I am extremely unhappy that she approached and accused my daughter and has caused her so much distress, poor thing was absolutely distraught and thinks she is going to get into trouble at school.

The woman said things have been disappearing in her home. I reminded her DD had never been round before and will certainly never be visiting again. The woman said she clearly wasnt getting anywhere so would be calling the school on Monday.

I think she has been trying to get the numbers of the other children and DD has been told never to give information to any one again but to come directly to us. I am realybshaken up by the whole thing. This isn't normal is it?

Call the school? What the hell had it got to do with the school?!

I wish people would realise that the school do not own our children. We are the parents and they are just educators who have our children 9-3 Monday- Friday.

Call the school 😂

Agree with pp who said to do nothing.

Absolute worst case, the school contact you, you say you know about it but your dd wasn't involved. Nothing further will come of it.
The school would only be interested from a safeguarding pov surely. Once you've confirmed all is well it's case closed.

I would not draw attention to it by contacting the school myself, there's no need.

I suppose if this had (allegedly) happened in my house, on my watch I would be bollocking my DD and she would not be allowed friends around again until she could behave responsibly. There is no way I would be threatening the children or their parents.

I noticed she’s not looking at her own kid…

Fantastic. Until Dave dies of acute alcohol poisoning because he did take it and necked it in the park or somebody realises he's been the child of an aggressive alcoholic and even the DSL didn't give a fuck about whether this was the case for him.

Because a) everything has everything to do with the school these days 🙄🙄
b) in this case the ridiculous woman has threatened to report the 'theft/behaviour' to the school, so better to get in first.

@Pastryapronsucks I'd email tomorrow (Sunday) & explain the whole lot you have written here!

Honestly I'd just completely ignore it, obviously tell your DD not to go round there or have anything to do with this strange family anymore.

Some people are just absolute weirdos.

I'd also tell her to stay away from Dave, he's given DD's name because either he or another one of his mates have taken it.

Just react calmly as you are and reassure dd that she won’t be in trouble and you’ve got her back.

Wtf?!
You get my first ever mumsnet "get a grip mate!"

It sounds like the woman might have an alcohol problem.

1. The gin was out in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon - I've never seen anyone do this.

2. The woman immediately noticed some/all had gone.

3. If your dd had drank anything like that quantity, she'd be pissed as hell and probably in hospital.

Do nothing.

It's remarkable how many people don't give a fuck about teenagers trapped with addict parents or endangering themselves. Sadly, alleged DSLs, too.

It'll be the son that's pinching the alcohol.

Sorry, where did it say this other mum was an ‘addict’?! That’s pure conjecture based on not a whole hell of a lot. What the fuck is happening on here? Are you drinking?

I would phone the school, not for any reason other than to make them aware your daughter is terrified of coming into school because of this woman's threats.
Although it may be nothing, as a pp has said it could be that there's an issue with the family that school are aware of.

In all honesty what does she think the school will do anyway??
If harassment continues, call and ask to speak to your community police officer and explain the situation.

Some of this advice is batshit 😂😂😂Little Timmy getting acute alcohol poisoning / being left out in the cold by his alcoholic mother which would somehow be the OP’s fault. Ok then 👌

Just leave it OP. Don’t make it bigger than it is. The most likely scenarios are a) she’s mistaken or b) one of them nicked it - which isn’t exactly abnormal for teenagers. What are the school going to do?! Absolutely nothing to do with them.

Of course it will and the intention would've been for the teens to drink it over the park.

Quite why so many people are assuming the mother's an alcoholic is beyond me.

What stands out to me that it may be a drink problem is her panic. A person who genuinely thinks that one of the teens pinched it would send a measured considered message that perhaps the OP would like to talk to her DD, as she is to "Dave", as some alcohol has gone missing and while she isnt looking to blame anyone, she felt that they should know.

What she actually did was ring up in a huge panic and rant about a lot of gin going missing, the phrase "What am I going to do now?!" is almost screaming out to be said. My money is that gin is a regular part of her diet and she drank rather more than she thought last night and is now panicking that cant get anymore (shop shut? No money? Who knows).

It happens frequently at my school. I used to be a head of year and the amount of phonecalls I would get about things nothing to do with the school would take up half my day. Things like year 7s falling out on Snapchat, our go to like was “well you aren’t allowed Snapchat until you are 13 so as a parent you need to restrict their use of apps too old for them, if you think your child is in danger we advise calling the police”

I would contact your child’s tutor, not in the sense that you want them to do anything, but to ask them to keep an eye on DD who may be feeling nervous.

And as anyone who has had close contact with those who have an alcohol problem will tell you, the panic on realising that there isnt any, which swiftly turns to anger and blame is a dead giveaway.

They didnt drink it as they dont have a problem, no of course they didnt get hammmered and nail another bottle....someone must have stolen it. Its all part of the self delusion.

Another thought.....again this is borne of personal experience of living with it......

could someone else, her husband, partner, friend? have commented that there was an almost empty bottle of gin out in the afternoon and asking whether she had drunk it? Straight into defence mode and finding someone to blame? I, like others, am beginning to feel sorry for Dave as this all sounds very familiar to me.

Yeah, or the group of 14 year olds nicked it to drink over the park, just as hundreds of thousands of teenagers have done in the past.

It'll be one or the other but my money's on the teens. Perhaps it's not the first time Dave and his mates have done this, which is why she's so angry.

We'll never know I guess.

Well given that gin stinks from a mile away, she is certain that Dave didnt drink it and the OP is sure that her DD didnt.....

No. My money is still on the uber defensive mother. But then, as I say, I have lived with this so maybe I can spot signs that other, thankfully less experienced, people ma y not see.

Dave is not a friend, if he did not back up your DD. Advise DD to avoid him as far as possible, actively discourage the friendship.

The school school be informed, so they can alert the safeguarding lead in case of a jigsaw effect (ie lots of different people reporting things that are not of concern on their own, only as part of a pattern. One person should have all the incidents so as to be able to see the big picture). But there’s no action they should, or even could, take. I suppose if this parent really thinks there is theft they should report it to the police. I mean who knows; maybe their own child is stealing gin? It happens.

I think you should be proud DD can trust you to come to you with this sort of issue and DD should be happy you have her back when she needs you. The other mum is clearly looking for a scapegoat, or batshit. Nothing you can do but ignore her and not allow DD to leave herself open to anymore allegations.

Or maybe you're projecting because you've lived with it?

Maybe they nicked the gin to drink at a later time.