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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To see if there’s any groups for single parents even though I’m not a single parent

84 replies

Onmyownbutnot · 01/10/2022 19:00

I’m exhausted here so this may be a bit more self pitying than I mean it to but I’m on my own all weekend and for large chunks of the week as well. Husband works away a lot. Even when he’s home he’s in that headspace where he’s thinking of work if you like. Then at weekends there’s always something that needs doing.

I am a bit low after endless walks in the park to look at the ducks on my own. And other friends are with their husbands and partners having family days out. I was trying to think of a way round this and single parent groups seemed a possibility but id probably just piss then off?

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 01/10/2022 19:03

Have you got kids? If not can you join some groups of interest/hobbies?

greensnail · 01/10/2022 19:05

When my DC were younger we had a few friends who had partners who worked weekends. They used to meet up with the kids, DH used to join them if I was sleeping after working nights. Might be worth asking on your local Facebook group if there are others in the same situation who would like to meet up.

Original poster
Onmyownbutnot · 01/10/2022 19:08

I could ask but it seems to draw attention to it in a weird way, don’t know if that makes any sense!

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 01/10/2022 19:08

A SP group isn't going to help, as you say you might piss some of them off. And equally, when they talk of going out/new romances, they'll piss you off. You need to sort things out with your husband @Onmyownbutnot.Thanks

Blackopal · 01/10/2022 19:11

Personally I wouldn't mind, these groups are to help people who are on their own all or majority of the time.
I have my kids all the time but some single parents may actually have them less than you if they have a good co parenting with ex.

I suppose the only issue for me would be if there were only 10 spaces and a struggling single parent missed out because you attended.

Would u tell them the truth of your situation?
Have noticed some single parents can get territorial over the term etc

Original poster
Onmyownbutnot · 01/10/2022 19:19

I know, that’s the worry as I know it must be so annoying when you actually ARE a single parent having someone say they feel like one!

But I don’t know what else to try. On the one hand I shouldn’t complain but I do get fed up of being alone so much (apart from the children but very little so not really able to chat back!)

OP posts:
HardLanding · 01/10/2022 19:22

Yes you would piss me off, massively so.

georgarina · 01/10/2022 19:23

I would talk to your DP...I would feel awful if my partner felt so alone they were contemplating joining a single parents' group

Original poster
Onmyownbutnot · 01/10/2022 19:26

I’ve tried @georgarina but I don’t get anywhere.

@HardLanding fair enough - just trying to think of ways to break the monotony a bit!

OP posts:
Speedweed · 01/10/2022 19:30

I am a solo parent, and one of the most maddening things is someone with a partner who is involved, paying their way and merely busy, claiming that their situation is in any way analogous to mine. I wouldn't be impressed if I started chatting to someone at a single parent group who then revealed they weren't actually single or solo parenting.

Outside of that situation, I would be sympathetic to another mum (whether single or not) who said they were bored and lonely and wanted to make friends with other mums to do activities with the children.

It's just something about the invasion of a space that's not for you which feels a bit disingenuous. What about going to different children's groups (church and library groups are often free) and seeing if there is anyone you click with?

Original poster
Onmyownbutnot · 01/10/2022 19:33

No I get that @Speedweed , must be so annoying. I’ve tried not to do that here and I wouldn’t in RL but I do think there’s a consensus here it wouldn’t really be ‘on’ and I was leaning that way myself.

We go to lots of groups but unfortunately stay and play things have died a death here and so it’s structured sort of classes, tumble tots and the like, which are really good but don’t let you just chat. And of course they aren’t on at weekends anyway.

OP posts:
CatchersAndDreams · 01/10/2022 19:33

Have you not got any friends who are your actual friends rather than parent friends? In my friendship groups we have dc of all different ages, some are single some aren't and we meet up regularly with dc and without dc.

What about family? My dm used to come to the park and out for coffee.

Are there activities or clubs you could put dc in on a Saturday morning, you end up making parent friends and going for coffees whilst dc are at the activity.

WhiskerPatrol · 01/10/2022 19:33

Why don't you bin your useless husband and actually be a single parent? Then you could join the groups and also not be living with a self-centred arsehole any more. Win win.

BellsaRinging · 01/10/2022 19:35

When I was a SP there were a few of us whose kids knew each other from nursery and whose partners weren't around alot or who were single parents and we did lots together at the weekends. They were tbh my saviours. Do you go to any groups, playgroups, nursery, religious etc? If so I would maybe feel out is anyone was interested in doing stuff at the weekend. if not a member of a group that is kids based then go to one and there may be people there who are in the same boat? Other option if you are not working in the day is the council sports centre/gym. Ours has a free nursery (well included in the price of a months membership). You could do a class and put the kids in the nursery for a couple of hours and maybe meet parents in the gym/classes?

Cactuslove · 01/10/2022 19:36

I think there are some apps like 'meet up' and peanut etc where ypu can meet other mums. I'd happily meet up with another mum regardless of their marital status but I would feel a bit invaded if I went to a single mum group and others there aren't. There's certain worries and things linked to single parenting that I would want a safe place to discuss.

J0y · 01/10/2022 19:39

WhiskerPatrol · 01/10/2022 19:33

Why don't you bin your useless husband and actually be a single parent? Then you could join the groups and also not be living with a self-centred arsehole any more. Win win.

Bin the husband and. You're in limbo now. Neither one thing nor the other.

Xx

mpsw · 01/10/2022 19:40

I did not join lone parent groups when DH was on tours of duty with the military (so away completely and in harm's way for 6 months at a time)

Because although I was single-handed, I wasn't a lone parent, and the financial, wider family, and relationship issues are totally different.

And I can remember how very, very pissed off I was when someone told me my situation wasn't any different from all those whose DH's worked long hours.

Original poster
Onmyownbutnot · 01/10/2022 19:41

I do have friends who aren’t parents but then they have their own things going on at the weekends, just as other mums do. During the week is mostly OK, it’s weekends when it gets to me a bit because I just feel a bit tired and it’s so much nicer going to parks and farms and the like with someone. DH does sometimes but lately there’s always been something on.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/10/2022 19:50

I don't think you need to resort to infiltrating single parent groups, but I like your willingness to try Grin.

You mention that your family and friends are all spending weekends doing stuff with their partners and children. I am willing to bet they are not spending 100% of their weekends frolicking through fields holding hands or laughing joyfully at the petting zoo. On the contrary, many of your friends' husband's will be watching grand Prix or something equally boring, and your friends will be more than happy to hang out with you. I am a (genuine) single parent, and I find no shortage of friends who want to do stuff on the weekend. You just have to ask them.

Original poster
Onmyownbutnot · 01/10/2022 19:54

On a very rare occasion someone will meet on a weekend but I’m literally talking three or four times a year.

I do get it because people spend time with their own partners and wider family then after a week at work. But it does mean that if you’re on your own - and by that I mean people who actually are alone as well as people like me - it can be a long day to fill.

OP posts:
TheOtherBoleynGirls · 01/10/2022 19:58

I get you. My DH works shifts and I used to get so lonely at the weekends, everyone else used to be doing family stuff and I always felt like the only lone mum at swimming or the park.

Over time I was fortunate to meet other mums who were happy to take the kids for a quick run in the park at the weekend. I also used to grill new mums I met mercilessly to try and find out if they had partners who worked weekends! A few did and we met up sometimes.

But with kindness… You do need to talk to your husband as well and get him to understand how it feels for you that he’s so checked out.

Original poster
Onmyownbutnot · 01/10/2022 19:59

I’ve tried but I just don’t get anywhere, and it’s largely pointless. Sometimes he does go somewhere with us but mostly it’s just me and the children.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 01/10/2022 20:00

I quite often have the kids on my own for some of the time at the weekend and so do my friends. I don't think it's unusual at all. Often one parent is busy with work, chores or a hobby for at least a few hours. For us it's that DH is sometimes on call at weekends or catching up on paperwork, or he visits his elderly parents who live a way away. Have you asked your friends if they want to meet up?

Xmasbaby11 · 01/10/2022 20:02

Sorry, just saw your update. That is really hard if none of your friends are in your situation. I think you need to get your DH more involved - either all go out together or at least he takes the kids so you can have a break doing something different.

Brokendaughter · 01/10/2022 20:10

As a single parent, there are a lot of things you simply don't have to deal with even if your partner is away a fair bit.

Always getting stung if you try to book a holiday because there is only one adult.

Being left out of 'couples' things because you aren't in a couple.

Never having someone to take over for a second, even on the hardest of days.

Finding out someone was playing tourist in a single parent group because they were a bit bored while their husband was away would be really annoying.