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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To insist on this name against my husbands wishes?

147 replies

mopingmum · 29/09/2022 20:46

Hello,

I feel like I'm a tricky situation with my husband. Unfortunately we suffered a very late miscarriage at the start of the year and it was a very traumatic time. I fell pregnant again very quickly and am due pretty soon. I massively struggled to come to grips with the pregnancy, I felt like the only way I could cope was to ignore it and try not to get attached incase we lost him too. It had a big effect on my mental health and I was referred to the crisis team. I have had a few months of counselling now, and I won't say I'm there but I'm definitely working through what happened, and have learnt to see this pregnancy for what it is, a new pregnancy, a different baby and a different outcome. One of the things I did to help me try and bond with this baby was to name them, which I did, and he has been Elijah for months now. It just feels like him, I did choose it but in a weird way it just felt like his name. My husband agreed and has also called him this throughout the pregnancy.

Unfortunately he's had a big change of heart and is saying it doesn't feel right, he doesn't like the name, that it isn't appropriate as we have no Jewish roots etc. I don't know if I'm being a bit unfair and blinded by my trauma but I am actually really hurt. It took me a long time to come to grips with this pregnancy, and a lot of difficult work to be able to let myself bond with him and let him become real to me. It feels completely wrong to name him anything else. Nothing else is his name. To be honest I want to refuse. I know my husband went through our late loss too, but not in the same way I did, he hasn't had to go through pregnancy just weeks after, he hasn't had to work through the trauma that I have.

Am I being really unreasonable?

OP posts:

lannistunut · 30/09/2022 07:08

I think ideally you would try to find a name you both agree on, but it is hard for me to fully imagine what you both went through so I am not going to say either of you are unreasonable.

You could consider a different first name, and Elijah for a middle name perhaps.

I agree with others that I do not associate Elijah only with Jewish families.

EstellaRijnveld · 30/09/2022 07:21

My friend's son is called Elijah, Eli for short, and they are Muslim. All the Old Testament Prophet names are used by Christians and Muslims alike. Please use the name, it is a beautiful name and your dh should be more understanding of your reasons.

prh47bridge · 30/09/2022 07:31

TheGoodFighter · 30/09/2022 00:07

I don't think you're following. Yes, he's entitled to a say. He had a say, and they chose a name, its done. He's not entitled to change the name against her wishes.
Being married or PR makes no difference, OP can legally register the child with whatever name she wants.

Show quote history

I am following. He's changed his mind. He is entitled to change his mind at any time until the birth is registered, as is the OP. After that, the child's name cannot be changed unless they both agree.

Re your final sentence, being married means both parents should agree on the name that is registered. Yes, she can register the child with whatever name she wants but so can he. If he gets there first, he wins, and she will have to go to court if she wants to change the name.

MrsClarkandPercy · 30/09/2022 07:33

I think that it needs to be a name both of you love.

I can understand why you feel so very attached to this name, and it has become a crucial part of your bonding with the baby. But, very gently ... the baby is always the baby, whatever his name.

Maybe try going through the motions of meeting your husband half-way and going make a list of what other names you like.

Also, as many have said, best not to get stuck on one name until you see him.

A name and its vibrations and connotations will affect your child's life forever. My feedback on Elijah would be the same as your DH's: I do personally find it very religious. If you both loved it, that would be up to you, but if one of you feels uncomfortable with it, I do think you should find another one.

It's fine for him to have had a placeholder name for now. But I think insisting on your choice isn't fair.

OriginalUsername3 · 30/09/2022 07:46

YANBU I had chosen DSs name during his pregnancy, like you I just knew its who he was, like he'd told me. DH didn't like it but conceded when I had a baby cut out of me and he still hadn't even looked for a name himself.

saraclara · 30/09/2022 07:47

I would move away from the name. It is deeply intertwined with your grief and trauma and pregnancy loss and pregnancy and that is a lot to saddle a baby with. While the name has helped you get through the pregnancy, that doesn't make it the best name for your son to have throughout his life. I would see birth as a fresh start. Your child is here and he needs to be able to live separately from the pain of your past year.

I agree with this. Especially the last line.

I also liked the post by the pp who had a bump name for her babies, and then their 'real' name that suited them when they came into the world.

JoanOfAllTrades · 30/09/2022 07:48

I think some of the commentariat have given you wise answers.

I just want to say, I named my dear child a a beautiful name, that translates in Greek, Arabic, Latin and English and I have loved that name and always wanted my DC to have that name. As my DC grew older, they came to me and told me that they were transgender and that they had decided on a new name. They lived as that gender and used that name for 2 years. After 2 years, they decided to legally change their name and when filling out the forms, we were talking about names and they asked me whether I had a name that I would have called them if they had been born that gender. I told them the name and they really liked it and said that if they had heard that before, they would have used that as their first name. They felt it too late to change as everyone knew that as the name they had been using, but they added the name I liked as a middle name.

My point is this: you can name a child anything but as they grow up, they will have their own ideas and who knows the future?

One of my family members had a kid that spent 4 years insisting that everyone call them by the name of the donkey in Shrek, because that was what they wanted to be when they grew older.

The donkey in Shrek is called “Donkey”!

toastofthetown · 30/09/2022 07:49

RIPQueen · 30/09/2022 06:24

People on here seem to be missing that he agreed on the name and backpedaled. You’re attached now. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to keep it

I didn’t miss it, and I doubt many posters did either. But the DH is entitled to changed is mind prior to the birth. Or even after afterward. It’s not uncommon in the baby names section to have a post from someone who has come to hate their baby’s name, they don’t feel it’s right for the child and the name is really getting them down. The concensus is normally that their partner should at the very least take the OP’s concerns seriously and consider changing the baby’s name (and this if for babies which are born and registered). People are allowed to change their minds. Maybe the OP’s husband has had concerns about Elijah for a long time, tried privately to get past them and can’t do it. Maybe it’s a last minute wobble and when the baby’s born Elijah will feel right again. But just because the OP has a very good reason to want to use the name, it’s doesn’t mean that the decision is now entirely hers.

Calmdown14 · 30/09/2022 07:58

Perhaps it's best just to decide once he is born? Consider together a few other options and see what he suits.

For my son we had two name choices and I had a strong preference for one but when I looked at him, he was just the other. No rational explanation but it just felt more right.

We have my daughter a nickname (which is a lovely name but doesn't go with my surname). I had thought she was a boy so wouldn't matter! I worried that it would be hard to adjust to her actual name but it really wasn't.

Your pregnancy bonding name is lovely. You might decide you want it but you may feel completely differently once he's here so it's not worth stressing about yet.

Thethingswedoforlove · 30/09/2022 08:02

You surely want your dh to be an equal parent in every way? I totally get why you are upset/ but your ds is your joint child and he has the right of veto over any name. I think you need to choose another one. In time your trauma will heal and your son will have two parents who are equally placed to raise him.

Dancingjane · 30/09/2022 09:35

Calling your baby what you like without both your imput may be damaging to your marraige. Think about that before to go ahead without compromise.

SuperCamp · 30/09/2022 09:51

So sorry to hear of your previous loss OP.

My babies had ‘before birth’ names that were not suitable as permanent names, and our early affectionate names for our babies were based on those names, gradually phased out as the babies grew into their ‘born’ names.

My BIL’s baby has the name they referred to him as before birth as his middle name, as my BIL couldn’t bear to let it go.

This is so delicate as you named your baby as part of your recovery, but your DH does deserve for his opinion to count. Your baby will be their own self, with a name chosen for their own sake and not in relation to recovery from loss…. Maybe a new first name to celebrate their entry into the world, and keep Elijah as a middle name?

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I can understand your DH possibly wanting to break the connection from loss, as the name was chosen as part of a therapeutic process.

No baby can replace the loss of any other, but I very much hope that the birth of your baby is a new beginning for you OP, congratulations and good luck.

Brefugee · 30/09/2022 10:06

I'm sorry about the struggles you have been having.

I think baby names are one of those things where 2 yesses are required. If one doesn't agree how will they feel for the rest of the life having to use a name they didn't pick?

How would you feel if the situation were reversed.

How about using the name you want as a middle name, and agree with your DH on something else?

jetadore · 30/09/2022 10:29

Last time I checked kids are allowed more than one name, have Elijah as the first or middle name and then choose another name you can both agree on. See what sticks as he grows up. I know quite a few people who go by their middle name and not their first name.

TheDuck2018 · 30/09/2022 10:34

This....

Tigertigertigertiger · 30/09/2022 10:49

You need to be in agreement about a name whatever the circumstances.

user1471517095 · 30/09/2022 11:21

Some replies on here are just plain mean. "Wind his neck in" and comments about him not carrying the baby. Our daughter was stillborn, my husband was just as devastated as me. I had a second baby and loved a name but my husband didn't. So as we're married and a partnership we compromised and picked one we both liked.

DaughterofDawn · 30/09/2022 13:59

user1471517095 · 30/09/2022 11:21

I agree many of the comments are being completely unfair to the husband. I was extremely I'll and almost died during childbirth and while my husband was holding it together for my sake I could see the pain in his eyes as he watched the love of his life turn from an energetic cheerful person to a shell of a thing that could not even get out of bed. It definitely affected him. He might not have experienced the pain of the pregnancy or childbirth. But he did experience the pain in a different way. He later told me once I had recovered that he felt extremely helpless and felt guilty every time he had to go to work because he was worried out of his mind when I was alone that something bad would happen to me. I would not have gotten through that pregnancy without his emotional and financial support as I could no longer work and I could not recognize my body anymore. I was on so many medication and in so much pain. He might not have carried the baby but he carried me through so that I could care for myself and the baby. These people commenting that it doesn't matter what the husband feels... I can only imagine what their marriages must be like because it sounds like they have either never known love or they are not very kind to their husbands.

ZoeCM · 30/09/2022 14:14

I can't believe the number of people saying the OP's husband should have no say in his own child's name because he can't give birth! Imagine if someone said fathers had no responsibility to provide financially for their children because "mothers are the ones who give birth, it's up to them".

DaughterofDawn · 30/09/2022 14:28

ZoeCM · 30/09/2022 14:14

Yes seems like a perfect start to sabotaging her marriage.

Dancingjane · 30/09/2022 15:28

Some of the comments on here towards her DH are a bit prickly and quiet frankly unfair. OP as per your title to insist as you put it is quiet controlling. Thats not how a marraige should be. Its about compromise two people working as a team.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/09/2022 17:50

I'm so sorry on your loss and I want to pass on my congratulations on your upcoming birth.

Elijah is a lovely name. I can't see anywhere in your post that indicates you know that you're definitely having a boy (as in you have had a gender scan or similar) so I'm wondering what you might do if you discover that you're having a girl?
Ellie would be a suitable compromise there maybe?
I quite like Elliot or Eli and all of the boys names are biblical names, from the Christian bible so not exclusively Jewish or Catholic or any other form of Christian belief.

I'm also wondering that if your husband was ok with the name for so long, what or who has changed his mind?

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