To insist on this name against my husbands wishes?

[mopingmum]

Hello,

I feel like I'm a tricky situation with my husband. Unfortunately we suffered a very late miscarriage at the start of the year and it was a very traumatic time. I fell pregnant again very quickly and am due pretty soon. I massively struggled to come to grips with the pregnancy, I felt like the only way I could cope was to ignore it and try not to get attached incase we lost him too. It had a big effect on my mental health and I was referred to the crisis team. I have had a few months of counselling now, and I won't say I'm there but I'm definitely working through what happened, and have learnt to see this pregnancy for what it is, a new pregnancy, a different baby and a different outcome. One of the things I did to help me try and bond with this baby was to name them, which I did, and he has been Elijah for months now. It just feels like him, I did choose it but in a weird way it just felt like his name. My husband agreed and has also called him this throughout the pregnancy.

Unfortunately he's had a big change of heart and is saying it doesn't feel right, he doesn't like the name, that it isn't appropriate as we have no Jewish roots etc. I don't know if I'm being a bit unfair and blinded by my trauma but I am actually really hurt. It took me a long time to come to grips with this pregnancy, and a lot of difficult work to be able to let myself bond with him and let him become real to me. It feels completely wrong to name him anything else. Nothing else is his name. To be honest I want to refuse. I know my husband went through our late loss too, but not in the same way I did, he hasn't had to go through pregnancy just weeks after, he hasn't had to work through the trauma that I have.

Am I being really unreasonable?

As far as I'm concerned mother who carried the baby gets to choose the name, with the caveat that it's not e.g. a strange/joke/etc name which will set the baby up for an unnecessarily difficult life, which Elijah clearly isn't. And it's a lovely name.

Wait until you see the child in the flesh - I saw my son and changed my mind about his name. The 'chosen name' never did fit him.

Very bad advice. The baby is not the OP's personal property. As they are married, her husband will have PR and is therefore entitled to a say in the baby's name. Even if they weren't married, this is not a good way to treat a partner.

I don't think you're following. Yes, he's entitled to a say. He had a say, and they chose a name, its done. He's not entitled to change the name against her wishes.
Being married or PR makes no difference, OP can legally register the child with whatever name she wants.

YANBU.
It’s very unfair that he agreed to the name throughout your pregnancy and then changed his mind right before the baby is born! And knowing that you needed this to bond with the baby and keep your health/mental health/baby’s health on track.
if he didn’t like the name when you originally suggested it, he could have gently suggested ‘peanut’ /nickname so you both had more time to settle on another name.
I agree it’s a joint decision, but in this situation, going back on the agreement after months of the baby being named is just cruel to you.

Being married or PR makes no difference, OP can legally register the child with whatever name she wants

If they're married, so could the DH. He doesn't need the op there, he could register the baby alone.

I don’t think there is an objectively right or wrong answer to your question. You need to agree on this.

As gently as possible because your history is pretty brutal: try if you can to look forward. It’s understandable that you’re deep in the depths of pregnancy, pregnancy loss, birth, babies etc. But, you’ll be parents to this child for a long, long time. There will be many many decisions you’ll need to make together (you and your DH) relating to parenting.

Although it may be difficult to believe, one day this year will be something that will always be a part of you, but which will also be in the past. Do you want to start the parenting part of relationship with DH with an ultimatum, or putting your foot down? Do you want, at significant moments in the child’s life, to always know that your DH didn’t want that name and minds?

Or, on the other side, perhaps you can explain to DH that Elijah is a way for you to keep your first baby with you for always, even though this baby will always be himself. Perhaps your DH can accept that this time, this isn’t a compromising matter, that you’ve really been through the mill and he can give this one up?

Really my point is that you’re approaching the starting blocks of life with this baby. Try not to make it bitter, or full of strife or arguments. You’ve had enough sadness already. Try focusing on the future as best you can, both of you, and talk.

Good luck with the birth!

Wise answer here OP

Not unreasonable, after several miscarriages I can completely relate.

As a compromise though Elijah does translate into other languages. Elias for example is the Greek, Ilyas is the Arabic.

Call the baby Elijah, your husband was fine with the name for weeks, you have both been calling the baby Elijah for weeks, he doesn't get to decide it's no longer your sons name after you became attached to it. It's not just his child, he should have said something sooner instead of going along with it if he didn't like the name.

It's crazy how people are telling the OP to not call the baby something her husband doesn't like, but seem fine telling her to let her husband name the baby something she doesn't like.

YANBU to be hurt by this, OP. I completely understand where you are coming from. I think other posters who have been less understanding may not have experienced the difficulties of a late loss and subsequent pregnancy.

From personal experience, I know how difficult it can be to accept and bond with a pregnancy after losses (whether the loss is to miscarriage, late miscarriage or stillbirth).

In my case, finding out the sex was the trigger for me to start feeling more attached to the pregnancy. DH didn’t want to know but I did. I told him I would keep it a secret but he didn’t like that idea either so found out with me. That helped me hugely! We then went on to choose names (in our case, we both agreed to them although me more enthusiastically than him).

But if he had then changed his mind and said ‘nope, I just don’t like HerName anymore,’ I would have been devastated. My baby was HerName long before she was born and it made a major difference to my mental health knowing this. Changing it would have been like swapping babies. Having experienced loss, I am not going to say it would have like another loss but it would have been close. That might seem over the top to some people but I do think that would have been my genuine reaction (like the OP, previous losses had put me in a very vulnerable state).

So, yes, I completely understand how you feel. That is not unreasonable at all.

Going forward, it would be better to get your husband back onboard rather than make a unilateral decision. Continue calling the baby Elijah. Ask you husband why he has had such a major change of heart? Was it a throwaway comment by a relative about ‘Jewishness’, perhaps? Explain to him that the name is also Christian and Muslim and maybe more about the history and meaning of the name. Ask him for alternative names and then suggest they be used as middle name alongside Elijah.

Unlike some previous posters, whilst I think parents should agree a name rather than dictate it, I do think your circumstances (loss and his previous agreement to Elijah) give you a greater voice than your husband.

He was fine with the name until recently.

Which one of his knob friends or relatives said something about it to make him change his mind?

I think this is not a black and white issue. It's very complex and there is no right or wrong answer here. Both of them have been through something awful and I think the husband just wanted her to be okay first and foremost and perhaps was feeling held hostage emotionally speaking for lack of better words. Not trying to suggest that OP is being manipulative in the least! Just that her husband was stuck between a rock and a hard place. When OP was falling apart barely holding it together with her pregnancy and neglecting her and her baby's needs is there really a good time to debate baby names? Would you have argued with her about whether or not a name you hate is a good make when she is struggling to even get out of bed, eat or take her prenatals? You would just want her to be okay right? You probably would have even let her call the baby Lucifer if it helped her feel okay enough to meet bare minimum health requirements I imagine.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with this!

I’d put money on a stupid comment from a friend or family member.

Being married or PR makes no difference, OP can legally register the child with whatever name she wants.

Which is proof that legality and morality have very little in common. If the mother changed her mind over the name, would it be ok for the father to just register the child under any name he wanted? This child is not just one parent's, he's both. I'd have been miserable if my children had had names I didn't like.

Is this worth arguing with DH over? You have a personal connection with Elijah and that is 100% understandable but DH also needs to bond with the baby. All I can say is talk constantly and find something that works for the two of you. He needs to bond with baby too and better you both have an acceptable name than one of your holds resentment.
He's your husband at the end of the day.

It's going to be his child as well for the rest of his life so you both need to be confortable with the name.

I've had 4 miscarriages, an ectopic and a stillborn and have been in therapy for it. I still think that you need to compromise. You are focussing on the wrong thing here to bond with your baby. And it's fine to not bond with your baby during pregnancy, you will still bond with him after birth in my experience. Let go of the name Elijah, get extra therapy for it if you need to, and find a new name TOGETHER for the baby that you are having TOGETHER.

Depends on which country you are. In my country you have to register the name within three days after birth, so if it's born 5 minutes to midnight you don't want to argue a whole day about a name because the day after you are regisrering it for the rest of your lives. And no easy way to change it after either. Everyone here has chosen a name long before the birth.

I agree she should try to compromise but from my perspective waiting till they are born wouldn't even later because they will change DRASTICALLY within a matter of months and won't even look the same when they are adults. Their hair and eyes will likely not even be the same color.

so can her husband!

People on here seem to be missing that he agreed on the name and backpedaled. You’re attached now. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to keep it

His reason is one of the stupidest I've ever heard ....
Pretty much 90 per cent of names we use are of biblical origin, which means Jewish.

Joshua (Jesus'real name), John, David, Matthew, Michael, Simon, Adam, Deborah, Sarah, Mary (and every variation), Rachel, Rebecca, Thomas, Eve (and every variation)..... ....You could literally write 3 pages of these.

I know an Elijah, and given they're protestants from Northern Ireland, I doubt they have Jewish roots.

No one is being unreasonable. But unless your husband hates the name I think he should let you have the one you want. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you all the best for the arrival of your son.

Completely agree with this. Pregnancy after a late miscarriage/ still birth is completely different and I don’t think you can comment unless you have been through it Yes her husband went through it too but not in the same way. Any subsequent pregnancy is so mentally traumatic and this is just adding to it. No one else can possibly understand. He should have raised objections in the beginning and I’m sorry it’s too late now.
in my case I couldn’t name my child in case they died too - I went with a name Dh & other dc has chosen. Didn’t hate it but didn’t love it either and they were born safely it was too late to change. Can’t imagine them being called anything else now.

Glad to see this post being dunked on. It’s incredibly stupid.