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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on this name against my husbands wishes?

147 replies

mopingmum · 29/09/2022 20:46

Hello,

I feel like I'm a tricky situation with my husband. Unfortunately we suffered a very late miscarriage at the start of the year and it was a very traumatic time. I fell pregnant again very quickly and am due pretty soon. I massively struggled to come to grips with the pregnancy, I felt like the only way I could cope was to ignore it and try not to get attached incase we lost him too. It had a big effect on my mental health and I was referred to the crisis team. I have had a few months of counselling now, and I won't say I'm there but I'm definitely working through what happened, and have learnt to see this pregnancy for what it is, a new pregnancy, a different baby and a different outcome. One of the things I did to help me try and bond with this baby was to name them, which I did, and he has been Elijah for months now. It just feels like him, I did choose it but in a weird way it just felt like his name. My husband agreed and has also called him this throughout the pregnancy.

Unfortunately he's had a big change of heart and is saying it doesn't feel right, he doesn't like the name, that it isn't appropriate as we have no Jewish roots etc. I don't know if I'm being a bit unfair and blinded by my trauma but I am actually really hurt. It took me a long time to come to grips with this pregnancy, and a lot of difficult work to be able to let myself bond with him and let him become real to me. It feels completely wrong to name him anything else. Nothing else is his name. To be honest I want to refuse. I know my husband went through our late loss too, but not in the same way I did, he hasn't had to go through pregnancy just weeks after, he hasn't had to work through the trauma that I have.

Am I being really unreasonable?

OP posts:
piecesofham · 29/09/2022 21:26

I knew the name I wanted for my daughter long before she was even conceived, I loved the name and that was going to be her name so I know that feeling of this is who your baby is. I found out my first was a girl and I was worried I'd look at her and she wouldn't be Her Name, lots of family members didn't like it but I didn't care and DH liked it and knew that it mattered a lot to me so didn't go against it. You may find Elijah is born and you look at him and think he isn't an Elijah after all and that's fine, but if he is I think your dh should back down, especially as it sounds like he was on board with the name before he decided it was not appropriate!

Blowyourowntrumpet · 29/09/2022 21:26

As gently as possible, I think you're being unreasonable. You both lost a baby. He wouldn't have the right to insist on a name you aren't happy with, and you don't have the right to insist on one he's not happy with.

Huntswomanonthemove · 29/09/2022 21:28

Lucyshavingaparty · 29/09/2022 20:54

He's not wrong either. He's entitled to want a different name if he wants. It's his baby too.

This 100%.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 29/09/2022 21:29

I'm very sorry for what you've been through, I can't imagine how traumatising it must have been.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be feeling hurt that he's changed his mind on Elijah especially as he'd been referring to him as Elijah too. I'd be annoyed in your shoes.

Has he suggested other names?

CliffordMystery · 29/09/2022 21:32

I’m sorry for your loss and the difficult pregnancy you’ve had, but I do thing YABU.

If your husband doesn’t like the name Elijah, it’s not the sort of name you can just say “I suppose it’s ok, I’ll just go along with it.” Like say the name James or something would be.

It has strong religious connotations and quite a particular feel to it, and I don’t think your husband should have to call his son Elijah if he doesn’t want to.

Kinneddar · 29/09/2022 21:33

Textboxmm · 29/09/2022 20:52

Tell him to wind his neck in. Yiu call the baby what you want.

Ffs Wind his neck in?? He's her husband & the babys Dad. He's not some random uninvolved sperm donor. It's his son too. Would people genuinely totally go against their husbands wishes for something so important??

Kumri · 29/09/2022 21:34

Agree together that you’ll both refer to the baby as Elijah until he is born, and that when he is born you’ll have a separate conversation about what his permanent name should be, which may or may not be Elijah.

So, so many couples agree on a name when pregnant and then after it’s born look at the baby and say you know he just doesn’t look loke that name. It isn’t worth getting upset about.

NumberSocks · 29/09/2022 21:34

I'm so sorry for your loss.

To be honest I think the name you choose has to be something that both of you are comfortable with. Your dh has to be happy with it too. My friend's son's name is Elijah and I don't think they are Jewish though.

Could you have Elijah as a middle name? Or name him something both of you like but continue calling him Elijah unofficially?

Noteverybodylives · 29/09/2022 21:36

Tell him to wind his neck in. Yiu call the baby what you want.

Ermm it’s his baby!

Would you say that to OP if her DH was demanding a certain name?

OP - when it comes to names you have to both be in agreement.

Why not think of a name together, maybe something very similar to the one you have now.

Charlavail · 29/09/2022 21:36

Compromise with Eli? Or have his name as Elijah Michael for example but go by Michael. I know what you mean about it the name choosing itself. That's how I felt about DD's name.

Deadringer · 29/09/2022 21:37

Yanbu. You both agreed on this name and the baby, though not born yet, is already called Elijah. You might change your mind when he is born, but unless your dh comes up with a different name you both love, I think you should stick to your guns.

2pinkginsplease · 29/09/2022 21:37

I’m sorry to hear about your loss.

I do think a baby’s name needs to be loved by both parents. Both should have a say in it and both agree on the chosen name.

drpet49 · 29/09/2022 21:39

WallaceinAnderland · 29/09/2022 21:24

YABU

You really don't want your child to have a name that your husband doesn't like do you.

You should both agree on a name.

This

Brieandcamembert · 29/09/2022 21:41

When he carries the baby for nine months and goes though the pain of childbirth then he can choose the name.

Mum's don't get to make more decisions in life because they carried the baby. It's half the Dad's too??

ChagSameachDoreen · 29/09/2022 21:42

Eliyahu is a Jewish name. Elijah is fine for non-Jews.

GrimmTales · 29/09/2022 21:43

Could you have Elijah as his middle name, his “first chosen” name, but xx as his “final chosen” name? The name we originally wanted for our DD eventually ended up as her middle name.

ThreeRingCircus · 29/09/2022 21:44

I think you should have a very honest conversation about how much the name means to you. However I would not overrule him if he is completely against the name but in that case I'd ask that he agrees to Elijah being the middle name.

You could look at the meanings behind names and see if there are any others that you both like. Theo and Matthew for example both mean blessing or gift which feels appropriate. If he's not coming up with any other suggestions though and he originally liked the name Elijah I'd probably just show him this thread and explain how you feel.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 29/09/2022 21:46

I’m sorry for your loss. We actually went through similar, albeit at an earlier stage by the sounds of things - the baby I lost was going to have a particular name, for reasons that were quite specific to our circumstances at the time. After that loss I got pregnant again and the idea of a name/linked name that I could “hold” in this pregnancy became so important to me.

I’m not sure what to suggest. You both need to have a very open-hearted conversation about the name of this baby. I think it should be treated much the same as naming any other person, which means that you can both change your minds I’m afraid.

saraclara · 29/09/2022 21:48

ChrisTrepidation · 29/09/2022 20:56

YANBU
When he carries the baby for nine months and goes though the pain of childbirth then he can choose the name.

Given that you know that that is impossible, however much he might want to do so, that's a ridiculous line to take.

Survey99 · 29/09/2022 21:48

Yabvu if you dh is against the name. There are thousands of names out there, make it fun to find one together you both love without manipulating or guilt trips.

I really don't like Elijah, it is a bit of a marmite name you either love or hate it. How about Ellis, similar and much nicer.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 29/09/2022 21:50

I really don't like Elijah, it is a bit of a marmite name you either love or hate it.

Why would the OP care that you don't like the name?

Lcb123 · 29/09/2022 21:51

I do think you need to respect his opinion, maybe just wait until baby is here? I personally find it odd people chose a name before hand.

saraclara · 29/09/2022 21:53

If using that name calms you, and makes you feel connected, then he needs to shut the fuck up frankly. Why on earth would he want to stress you out at a time like this?!

Because for the rest of his life, so maybe for six or seven decades, he will have you call his own son by a name he hates.

A baby has two parents. The parents need to agree on the name. One parent is not more important than the other when it comes to naming a child.

HollyJollyXmas57 · 29/09/2022 21:54

Yabu. It’s both of your baby. Not just yours and you both went through a loss. You need to agree.

WallaceinAnderland · 29/09/2022 21:56

When he carries the baby for nine months and goes though the pain of childbirth then he can choose the name.

Equally you could say that when she produces the sperm that fertilises the egg, she can choose the name.

Don't be so juvenile. Both parents have equal say in this.