To insist on this name against my husbands wishes?

[mopingmum]

Hello,

I feel like I'm a tricky situation with my husband. Unfortunately we suffered a very late miscarriage at the start of the year and it was a very traumatic time. I fell pregnant again very quickly and am due pretty soon. I massively struggled to come to grips with the pregnancy, I felt like the only way I could cope was to ignore it and try not to get attached incase we lost him too. It had a big effect on my mental health and I was referred to the crisis team. I have had a few months of counselling now, and I won't say I'm there but I'm definitely working through what happened, and have learnt to see this pregnancy for what it is, a new pregnancy, a different baby and a different outcome. One of the things I did to help me try and bond with this baby was to name them, which I did, and he has been Elijah for months now. It just feels like him, I did choose it but in a weird way it just felt like his name. My husband agreed and has also called him this throughout the pregnancy.

Unfortunately he's had a big change of heart and is saying it doesn't feel right, he doesn't like the name, that it isn't appropriate as we have no Jewish roots etc. I don't know if I'm being a bit unfair and blinded by my trauma but I am actually really hurt. It took me a long time to come to grips with this pregnancy, and a lot of difficult work to be able to let myself bond with him and let him become real to me. It feels completely wrong to name him anything else. Nothing else is his name. To be honest I want to refuse. I know my husband went through our late loss too, but not in the same way I did, he hasn't had to go through pregnancy just weeks after, he hasn't had to work through the trauma that I have.

Am I being really unreasonable?

I had a name I wanted for my first son, DH didn't want it but we agreed I would have the name but he could name the next one. I don't like the name he chose, 40 years later I still don't like it. It is really hard to have a child with a name your are uncomfortable saying. How much does he dislike it? If he hates it then it is very different to just saying it isn't what he'd choose.

I hope everything goes well with the pregnancy.

This is ridiculous advice.
If you go down that route does that mean that as the op has carried the baby and given birth she's solely responsible for caring and providing for the baby once it's born? Of course it doesn't.
The baby's dad's has an absolute right to an opinion on his sons name

Actually op, I'm going to out a different spin on it.

Many many years a little boy born at 27 weeks died in our arms. Alexander Louis.

I was pg again v quickly and dd was born 51 weeks later at 41.5 weeks.

We didn't know the sex of the baby and I spent nine plus months wanting a boy to replace ds2. Had I known the baby was a girl I'm not sure I’d have coped but in the adrenaline powered moment of birth she was the next best thing since sliced bread.

Our boy would have been Thomas, or David, or Oliver or Oscar. We didn't have a girl's name.

DD's name isn't Alex but can be mistaken as such. There was no forethought. Through support groups I have met many women in a similar position.

Quote a few have named a different sex baby something that makes one do a double take. Quite inadvertently but there's a sub-consciousness I'm quite sure.

Keep an open mind and be kind to each other op. Let the naming take place in the moment. Your baby is a separate, sentient human - let him be himself and name him so. He may not be the name you expect.

Good luck

I would move away from the name. It is deeply intertwined with your grief and trauma and pregnancy loss and pregnancy and that is a lot to saddle a baby with. While the name has helped you get through the pregnancy, that doesn't make it the best name for your son to have throughout his life. I would see birth as a fresh start. Your child is here and he needs to be able to live separately from the pain of your past year.

Choose a new name that you both like and that doesn't burden your son with your pain, grief, and loss. Reread your post and think if that is really the story you want to tell your son of how you chose his name?

It’s Hebrew as are most biblical names and actually lots of non biblical names. I have a relative via marriage called Elijah and his family are Serbian. No Jewish in him at all

Could you compromise with the name Eli. Lovely name. You have been through so much. Hope it all works out❤️

I am 60+. My father was Jewish and I grew up knowing mixed and Jewish families. There weren't many Elijahs. Clifford, Simon, David, Jeremy, yes.

Names are generational.

Elijah isn't solely a Jewish name. Looking back at my family tree we have Benjamin's, Elijah's and Amos'. No Jewish heritage, but biblical names.

I don’t think that being the dad gives him a right to force you to change a name that you both agreed on and have been using and has given you comfort. And right before giving birth too. He shouldn’t be causing you this stress.

YANBU.

@mopingmum good luck for the birth hope it goes really well 😊

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. Keep communicating with each other.

What a load of shit.

So going by that, the woman gets to decided absolutely everything about the child and its life because 'biology' 🙄

I don't think either of you is wrong but it is unfair to name a baby a name that one of you doesn't like.
For what it's worth we named our first a particular name after the 20 week scan when we knew the gender. I bonded with that baby with that name, talked and sang to her and couldn't wait to meet her. Well she turned out to be a boy. I'd spent half my pregnancy bonding with my girl. It took maybe a few hours to name him but that 20 week bond with Susan didn't for one minute affect my bond with John when he was actaully born. There was a day or so of adjustment, but my baby was my beloved baby regardless of name and gender.

What a really shit comment to make. Obviously he can't go through pregnancy and birth but he will be there for the rest of the child's life so yes he should have a say in what the child is called.

Does he really hate the name Elijah, or just thinks there are other, nicer ones? If the latter, it's a bit much if you love it, and he still likes it, imo.

Weirdly had a (in some ways) similar situation to you - I'm sure my baby wants to be called Reubon, but OH has always been dead set against it as "too Jewish" sounding too🙄Turns out his Scottish great grandfather (no Jewish people in his family) had it as a name, so go figure!

As he had always been against Reubon, and we really couldn't pick one we both loved, he settled for my 2nd choice Leon, which he "wasn't married to", but quite liked. He now adores the name, as associates in with our lovely lite boy!

At the end of the day, it's just a name. They could end up when they're older going by a diminutive or middle or nick name (or change it altogether by deed pole). For the first year at least they will likely be referred to as "Mr Wiggles" or similar. Try not to get too hung up on it if you can. X

@WOPTF What a lovely story!

You have to agree the name, it is not worth falling out. Use Elijah in the middle?

It’s super popular at the moment though, so he needn’t worry about people thinking you should be Jewish. Not that they would.. also Christians do use the Old Testament FYI.,

Same in my area.It's certainly not an uncommon name and I really like it. Would Eli work for him as a shortened version and remember after all the emotions of birth parents can have quite different ideas about what a baby should be named.

While pregnant we had a nickname for the baby. It was Bod. We had no intention of calling him that once born but it was nice to have a "pre-birth" name for him.

We called him both "Bod" and his actual name for the first few weeks after he was born but slowly his real name became much more him.

We still call him Bod occasionally - he's now 16 and just started college!

Could Elijah be his "pre-birth" name? We had nicknames for both our children before they were born and those names are quite precious to us.

Firstly, so sorry for the loss of your child earlier this year, OP, that must have been so hard.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable - but if that names feels right, stick with it. It has Jewish roots, but so does Hannah, Anna and David and no-one bats an eye at those. My cousin’s kid is called Elijah and we’re not Jewish at all. I was worried he’d be teased at school for such a traditional name but he loves it - he’s in his twenties now and has always loved it.

I think some PPs have good suggestions around maybe sharing the first and middle name between you. I hope you and hubby work your way through this.

The Prophet Elijah (Ilyas in Islam) PBUH is an important messenger, who was sent to stop people worshipping false idols.

If if you are so very set on this name, having called Baby it all the way through the pregnancy, then explain to your husband that it isn’t just a Jewish name but that this was an important messenger from God (Allah SWT) and that all Abrahamic faiths highly revere this Prophet.

I’m very sorry for your loss, it must have been so upsetting and then to get pregnant again so quickly must have been difficult, whilst still mourning the loss of your baby.

My nephew is named Elijah. They are a VERY Christian family.

YABU. He’s the dad so he gets a say too. Hey should be a joint decision.

Yes, you are being unreasonable.
Name should be a joint decision.

Yes, I think both parents have to agree to the name. It's frustrating when you think you've found "the" name and then one parent goes off it, but it happens; there are relatively frequent threads here from parents who've started to dislike the name they chose even after the baby has been registered. If you are still feeling it has to be Elijah even after considering your husband's choices, it's certainly OK to keep talking about it with him.

In case he's just caught up with it being a specifically Jewish name (I noticed you said he thought it was "inappropriate"), rather than disliking the name itself, it might help to let him know that Elijah is currently the fourth most popular baby boy name in the USA and has been in the top ten since 2016 there, and popular for considerably longer. And it's number 30 in England and Wales, based on latest data. American actor Elijah Wood was raised Roman Catholic and has talked about his parents choosing Old Testament names for their children (siblings are Zachariah and Hannah). Elijah has a long history of use as a first name by Christians; there are several saints called Elijah who are officially recorded by the Latin form of the name, Elias. And as PPs have mentioned it's also used in Arabic-speaking countries and Turkey (as Ilyas and similar) and throughout Europe and beyond in various forms.

I hope you agree on something you both love!

Says you. I say otherwise.

OP has picked the name and her DH agreed to it. IT's too late now, he has no right to change a name that's already chosen.

Tell him tough shit OP