To insist on this name against my husbands wishes?

[mopingmum]

Hello,

I feel like I'm a tricky situation with my husband. Unfortunately we suffered a very late miscarriage at the start of the year and it was a very traumatic time. I fell pregnant again very quickly and am due pretty soon. I massively struggled to come to grips with the pregnancy, I felt like the only way I could cope was to ignore it and try not to get attached incase we lost him too. It had a big effect on my mental health and I was referred to the crisis team. I have had a few months of counselling now, and I won't say I'm there but I'm definitely working through what happened, and have learnt to see this pregnancy for what it is, a new pregnancy, a different baby and a different outcome. One of the things I did to help me try and bond with this baby was to name them, which I did, and he has been Elijah for months now. It just feels like him, I did choose it but in a weird way it just felt like his name. My husband agreed and has also called him this throughout the pregnancy.

Unfortunately he's had a big change of heart and is saying it doesn't feel right, he doesn't like the name, that it isn't appropriate as we have no Jewish roots etc. I don't know if I'm being a bit unfair and blinded by my trauma but I am actually really hurt. It took me a long time to come to grips with this pregnancy, and a lot of difficult work to be able to let myself bond with him and let him become real to me. It feels completely wrong to name him anything else. Nothing else is his name. To be honest I want to refuse. I know my husband went through our late loss too, but not in the same way I did, he hasn't had to go through pregnancy just weeks after, he hasn't had to work through the trauma that I have.

Am I being really unreasonable?

YANBU. I know a few Elijahs and none are Jewish. It's a lovely name

It will not serve any purpose to have a big disagreement about the name at this stage. Neither of you have a right to insist on a name the other doesn't like, no matter what the sad and traumatic history.

Many people have a different name for their baby before they are born, then change their mind when they are born. Even then names are often shortened into nicknames.

You don't need to make this decision now, you both need to wait and then choose a name you both like in due course.

I think as people are saying neither of you are unreasonable.

Firstly does he know how strongly you feel? If he understands how big a deal it is for you it may turn out to matter less to him than he thought. If he does and he still feels this way then you have to start looking at other names but I'd agree on Elijah as a middle name and there will be a really sweet story attached to it to tell him when he's older. You don't have to agree to a name just for him though. You should love any name you choose just as much.

I don't agree that one parent has the right to just decide one way or the other but I do feel that having a special connection to a name should be a key consideration.

In my situation, when we were brainstorming names, my husband suggested one that I didn't love so it didn't go on the shortlist. We waited til the baby was born before naming him. I had lots of names I liked and we were running through them when my husband brought up his name again and this time got a little emotional (Not in a manipulative way, completely genuine). The name had been a relative who I died before I met my husband and he'd imagined calling his son this name since he'd been a teenager. He hadn't pushed it as I hadn't liked the name originally but it really did mean a lot to him. He had a name that was deeply significant while I just had names I quite liked so that's how we picked the name. While I didn't love it at first I now can't imagine anything else, it's perfect.

All that to say, neither party should just get final say but if one party has a deep connection for any reason and the other doesn't, then that should hold weight. Your husband allowed you to bond with the name I think unless there is a really strong reason against it, he should honor that. It means alot to you.

Yanbu op.

Totally this. I'd say living in a historically Christian country is all the justification you need for using a name in the form it appears in the English language Bible.

As for the bigger picture, I totally see where you're coming from and really feel for you. I also feel for your husband not quite getting on with the name and wanting a say in the name of his son. It's a very tricky one, I'm sorry I have no advice other than keep your minds open to each other and talk lots. I hope you can figure it out together x

Yabvu

Yanbu. Sorry for your loss OP x

Neither of you is being unreasonable - you are both grieving and trying to cope with a devastating trauma while also carving out room for love and joy for your new baby. Take it slow and be kind to eachother and you may find it easier to reach a compromise.

Neither of you are in he wrong but can't you compromise and have it as a middle name? Btw names don't belong to a religion. Religions took those names for themselves, sam as they took over sacred sites.

Go out for a nice meal, or a country walk and have a nice, candid chat about other potential names. Just bounce a few around. There may be some he likes that you haven’t considered because you’ve been so hung-up on Elijah. Make it a nice afternoon, changing your mind at this stage won’t impact your love for your baby. Be open to his opinion. Don’t tell him to wind his neck in or to shut the f* up because he hasn’t carried the baby.

Our babies have had 'bump names'. We didn't know the sex either time, and so we gave the 'baby to be' a name that we used just for the pregnancy. They were unusual names, but were very much 'theirs', and we used them whenever talking about the baby - when [bump name] is born, we must....

All pregnancy info and memorabilia is still filed in folders with their bump names.

We very much identified with those names, they were carefully chosen for that particular pregnancy, we talked to and about them using those names, they felt 'right', but we didn't use them for the babies once they were born.

Could this perhaps be the same for Elijah? That Elijah is the name for the pregnancy, the name for the growing new life, the one that he has had in the womb, but that after the birth he has his new name, one that you have both chosen?

I would never assume an Elijah was Jewish. The only Elijah I know is of Jamaican heritage. I love the name.

Sorry OP, I think this is something you need to agree on, but appreciate your situation is quite unique.

Don't get to deep into it for now. Compromise that DH will keep his mind open about Elijah, and you will keep your mind open to other names.

When your baby is safe in your arms, it might feel okay to chose another name.

Fwiw my son was born and he looked like his name. I can't even explain it, it wasn't even on 'the list' 🤷‍♀️

Wow. I mean if she was single and her partner completely abandoned her then I might agree. But they are both in a committed relationship and will presumably be putting in the work to raise it together...that's just harsh. Glad I am not married to you. 😆

I think it depends on how he was named in the first place. You say you named him. So to me it sounds like your husband hasnt had any input in naming his own baby at all. I can understand him not wanting to upset you and just going along with it at the time given how bad you must have been feeling, he must have been wanting to do anything to help you feel better. But now you're stronger and everything looks positive maybe he feels it's the right time to discuss it - he can't really wait until after the baby is born and you've been calling him that name for a while

Elijah isn't solely a Jewish name though. It is also a popular Christian name and appears in Islam. As well as being a name that atheist people give to their sons.

Sorry for your loss.

I don't think either of you ABU really.
I did name my bump Hanbel but it was bever going to be babys real name.
I did, in the back of my mind have a for him but however when he was born it just didn't look like the name I had in mind would suit him so changed ut anyway.
You used to get 6 weeks before registering a name so maybe wait until baby is here before making a decision.

Agree

Don't use a middle name as the "known as" name - it's a complete ballache. Elijah is really common in the (C of E) school my kids go to - 3 in year 7 this year.

Elijah is a lovely name - and yes, it's Jewish, but so are Michael, Adam, Joseph, Samuel, Jacob, Benjamin, Joshua, Simon - and many, many more which are popular. . . they are all names which have become traditional rather than associated with a particular race or culture. If this is your DH's only objection then he can comfortably dismiss his concerns.

If he actually dislikes the name then it was rather thoughtless of him to go along with you when you started using it for your unborn son. I can imagine how you must feel because you have spoken to, and built up an image if your baby that involves this particular name. To you, he IS Elijah.

A PP suggested that your husband could pick a middle name - would this work, do you think?

*You may find that the your baby is born he doesn't "look like" an Elijah and you decide to change it anyway - keep an open mind about it if you can,

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

Our circumstances were different, and we didn’t know the sex of our baby. However there was a name I very much wanted to use if we had a girl, and DH said he didn’t like it. I did explain to him the significance of the name to me, but didn’t insist as I didn’t want him to dislike his child’s name, and we chose something else that I wasn’t as happy with, but at least we both liked it.

When she was born, she really didn’t look like the second choice name and it was very clear to me that she just was the name I’d wanted, but I didn’t need to say a word (couldn’t have done the state I was in to be fair) and DH just said ‘oh yeah, she’s definitely Xname isn’t she?’ and that was it. I joke that he just felt sorry for me after a difficult birth so gave me my way, but honestly he loves the name now and says how happy he is with it. He said he couldn’t picture it somehow before, but once applied to our actual daughter he loved it.

So it might be that your husband comes round to Elijah again? Equally I guess it could be that you don’t feel like it fits any more once you see him.

We also had a name for the baby before she arrived and we didn’t know the sex, one of those nonsense names you wouldn’t actually use - think like Bean etc but not that. We used it so much and it absolutely WAS her, if we ever come across the scan pictures to this day we will stay say ‘ahh look there’s X’ I remember thinking whilst still pregnant that I couldn’t imagine calling the baby by any other name, and honestly worried I’d skip up sometimes and call her the ‘pregnancy’ name. Honestly as soon as we chose/ agreed her actual name though once she was born I never thought of her as the other one once. The pregnancy name was special - but also tied up with an awful lot of fear and anxiety as we had quite a few scares during pregnancy and I spent much of the time terrified, so in a way it was kind of nice to have a different name for her once she arrived.

I hope you and your husband find a way to both be happy with whatever you choose. I do think that, as your husband was initially happy with the name and knows how important that was to you and how it allowed with you to bond during a very difficult time, he should try his best to overcome reservations. But I also think you could maybe give yourselves and each other some time with the pressure of the name conversation now, you don’t need to actually decide until weeks after the birth anyway so there’s time enough to let things settle.

Fwiw my son was born and he looked like his name. I can't even explain it, it wasn't even on 'the list'

Same here @GroggyLegs - we had first and middle names ready and waiting and he didn't look like either - but did look just like the ones we ended up giving him 😄

Wait til he's born, and take a day or two to decide. You might feel, once he's here, that Elijah isn't his name after all.

I know it's different, but my dd had a nickname throughout my pregnancy which we always used when talking about her. Now, two years one, it seems really odd to even think that we called her this, I almost can't remember doing so.

As I say, it's not the same as she was never going to be called by this nickname, but it does show that what can seem so normal in pregnancy doesn't last afterwards.