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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To update you on the wedding invite deleted thread?

121 replies

Vanillaoatcake · 29/09/2022 19:59

Asked MN to delete the original thread as there was some identifying info on there but I promised to update, so I am.

I woke up the morning of the wedding to a message from the bride with details of where and when to be. At this point my childcare had already asked me to confirm if she was needed and id told her I wouldn't need her so I had no childcare. I'd also told my +1 that we hadn't received the details so to cancel their annual leave. I didn't respond to the message as I didn't want to upset the bride the morning of her wedding.

We saw each other this morning - I had to wait outside school after drop-off to follow the school bus on a trip I was chaperoning, and she drove past on the way back from preschool run for her youngest, so luckily it was after other parents had left the school gates. We were both a bit angry to be honest - her for me not being there or letting her know, and me for being treated like an after thought. Then she told me that she knew how much I'd been struggling with my depression and when I wasn't there she genuinely thought I'd "done something stupid" because I'd told her about some intrusive thoughts i had over the summer, at this point she was crying which made me cry and give her the biggest hug.

We both said what we needed to say and then both acknowledged we had handled it badly; her that she should have told me sooner or checked that I had the info, and me that I should have told her I couldn't make it. More crying. I told her how I felt about my DS not being invited, and she promised it was nothing to do with his needs and just down to them having to draw the line somewhere and that line being with family members children only.

Both said how much we love and care about each other.

I told her that if she can trust that the only reason I didn't get in touch was because I was avoiding drama on her wedding day when I wanted her to have a nice day, and I can trust that she genuinely thought I had the info I needed and by the time it clicked that I didn't it was too late, then we can both put it down to a really shitty miscommunication that is upsetting but doesn't have to spell the end of a friendship.

I had to leave to do the school trip but we have spoken a bit more this afternoon. It has been emotional, but neither of us want to fall out over it.

:)

OP posts:
Crispyturtle · 29/09/2022 20:02

I think this is a lovely outcome, you’ve cleared the air & both obviously love and value each other. I hope you can put it behind you and continue to be good friends.

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/09/2022 20:02

As glad as I am that you've sorted it out, I still think she's a bit of an arse. Leaving it til the morning of the wedding and then acting like it was something from your side that meant you hadn't turned up is crap. Using your mental health issues as well is shitty behaviour. She knew full well you didnt know.

I'd massively cool the friendship if I was you.

MarinoRoyale · 29/09/2022 20:05

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/09/2022 20:02

As glad as I am that you've sorted it out, I still think she's a bit of an arse. Leaving it til the morning of the wedding and then acting like it was something from your side that meant you hadn't turned up is crap. Using your mental health issues as well is shitty behaviour. She knew full well you didnt know.

I'd massively cool the friendship if I was you.

This for me I’m afraid, she knew full well you didn’t have the details and it’s really rubbish of her to push some of the blame on to you.

donttellmehesalive · 29/09/2022 20:05

This is bullshit. She invited you to her wedding on the actual morning of the wedding? She's not a friend and knew you wouldn't come. She didn't want you there. This is all bluster so that it isn't frosty when you bump into each other at school , and so that you don't bad mouth her to people. She's turned it back on you, as if you did something wrong.

Badger1970 · 29/09/2022 20:06

I still think it's shitty that she left it til that morning to let you know.

However it's good that you can both move past it.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 29/09/2022 20:07

I'm really glad you updated - I kept searching for this thread on the Tuesday wondering if you had the details yet! It sounds like she was deflecting her mistake onto you tbh.

QueensEyot · 29/09/2022 20:09

Oh come on, people. Stop trying to perpetuate the drama. OP's update is a good one. She and her friend are ok now and will move on. Unless the OP is wound up by people who for some odd reason want this to carry on as if it were some awful soap opera.

OP, that sounds good. Friendships are not always plain sailing, but if you can navigate problems and come out on the other side, they're friendships worth having. It doesn't matter now who said or did what or why.

Original poster
Vanillaoatcake · 29/09/2022 20:09

She was absolutely deflecting blame but as the conversation went on she took a lot of responsibility for her actions. And there were some circumstances I wasn't aware of that give a bit more context on her headspace in the days leading up to the wedding.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 29/09/2022 20:11

She waited until she knew you'd unlikely attend (I'm sure she would know you'd either you'd cancel your childcare or be too pissed off)

Then she blamed you and pulled out your mental health to boot. If you are happy to continue the friendship then make sure it's on your terms.

The way she tells it, you're always going to be the friend who didn't come to her wedding.

Just1moreq · 29/09/2022 20:13

Shes an arse. And she's made you feel bad / sorry for her.

Takingturnstogether · 29/09/2022 20:15

I'm glad you could talk about it. The friend who was my bridesmaid also didn't invite me till it was too late ( said she thought a mutual friend had passed on the message) and it hurt at the time. But we have moved past it and are close now.

gamerchick · 29/09/2022 20:15

You've been nicely conned OP. She must know you outside out.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 29/09/2022 20:16

Glad you spoke about it but it is very bizarre behaviour on her part, who leaves it until the morning of wedding to confirm details - why was it so hard for her? Still if you can salvage the friendship then thats good.

Original poster
Vanillaoatcake · 29/09/2022 20:18

I'm sure she will sound like a terrible person based off this one event. But in the context of 30 years of friendship, I very much know that she is not the kind of person who would want to cause any upset or harm to anyone.

As well as that, if she deliberately left it til the last minute so that I wouldn't go, she would not have approached me outside the school. She hates confrontation as much as I do. If she didn't want me there, or wanted to make me out to the the bad guy, she would have kept on driving past and never spoken to me again. She genuinely wanted to talk this through.

OP posts:
monkeyupsidedown · 29/09/2022 20:22

I'm glad that you made up and you both feel good going forward. Thank you for the update, I was wondering about it.

Solidarityisbetterthanchsrity · 29/09/2022 20:27

I think the op has a good understanding on this. I think mumsnetters inadvertently heightened it all in the last thread. I'm really pleased for you op that your friendship has been saved. You both seem to have a lot of love for each other

Aussiegirl88 · 29/09/2022 20:27

imagine if you had just listened to all those comments advising you to message her or call her that day, this all couldve been avoided!!!!!

Instead you stubbornly refused, commenter had very good advice on your past thread.

Original poster
Vanillaoatcake · 29/09/2022 20:31

@Aussiegirl88 for the handful of commenters who advised that, there were a hell of a lot more advising not to. And it wouldn't have been avoided at all as it wouldn't have lead to a discussion around how the whole thing had left me feeling - I may have gone to the wedding but I'd still feel shit, like an afterthought, and like my son wasn't welcome because of his disabilities. I don't think that would have been a better outcome at all.

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 29/09/2022 20:37

Not the outcome I expected to be honest. The idea that she couldn't tell you anything until the morning of the wedding is pretty lame in any context really.

AbsoluteTruths · 29/09/2022 20:38

I agree with others who think you've been played like a violin sorry. Thirty year friendship and she texts you where and when the day of the wedding? That's not acceptable in anyone's normal. And was it just you who got the last second details or was she as tardy with everyone? If it was just you, why? I know you moved house but no text came despite repeated assurances it would. This is not normal, I would definitely be distancing myself if it was me. But I'm not you and if you feel assured she is genuine, I guess that's all that matters.

vanishedwithoutatrace · 29/09/2022 20:40

She's a master manipulator

Caroffee · 29/09/2022 20:40

You're both very odd. One last text the day before woukd have meant you would not have had to cancel childcare etc. Many posters advised you to do this and you refused. Your friend is very odd to send a message saying where and when on the morning of the wedding day. She must know you had to make arrangements. I can only assume that you didn't really want to go to the wedding and she didn't want you there. In which case, why are you friends? It takes all sorts to make a world I guese and maybe your mutual oddness is what keeps the friendship ticking over.

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/09/2022 20:41

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/09/2022 20:02

As glad as I am that you've sorted it out, I still think she's a bit of an arse. Leaving it til the morning of the wedding and then acting like it was something from your side that meant you hadn't turned up is crap. Using your mental health issues as well is shitty behaviour. She knew full well you didnt know.

I'd massively cool the friendship if I was you.

Correct. Sending the details on the day, after all those times when she could have told you, is bad enough - but then putting blame on you is well out of order.

Caroffee · 29/09/2022 20:42

donttellmehesalive · 29/09/2022 20:05

This is bullshit. She invited you to her wedding on the actual morning of the wedding? She's not a friend and knew you wouldn't come. She didn't want you there. This is all bluster so that it isn't frosty when you bump into each other at school , and so that you don't bad mouth her to people. She's turned it back on you, as if you did something wrong.

Exactly this. Many posters warned the OP thar her friend would somehow try to blame her for not turning up and she has done.

ParentallyUnprepared · 29/09/2022 20:44

You're being taken for a fool, OP. I'm sorry.

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