To update you on the wedding invite deleted thread?

[Vanillaoatcake]

Asked MN to delete the original thread as there was some identifying info on there but I promised to update, so I am.

I woke up the morning of the wedding to a message from the bride with details of where and when to be. At this point my childcare had already asked me to confirm if she was needed and id told her I wouldn't need her so I had no childcare. I'd also told my +1 that we hadn't received the details so to cancel their annual leave. I didn't respond to the message as I didn't want to upset the bride the morning of her wedding.

We saw each other this morning - I had to wait outside school after drop-off to follow the school bus on a trip I was chaperoning, and she drove past on the way back from preschool run for her youngest, so luckily it was after other parents had left the school gates. We were both a bit angry to be honest - her for me not being there or letting her know, and me for being treated like an after thought. Then she told me that she knew how much I'd been struggling with my depression and when I wasn't there she genuinely thought I'd "done something stupid" because I'd told her about some intrusive thoughts i had over the summer, at this point she was crying which made me cry and give her the biggest hug.

We both said what we needed to say and then both acknowledged we had handled it badly; her that she should have told me sooner or checked that I had the info, and me that I should have told her I couldn't make it. More crying. I told her how I felt about my DS not being invited, and she promised it was nothing to do with his needs and just down to them having to draw the line somewhere and that line being with family members children only.

Both said how much we love and care about each other.

I told her that if she can trust that the only reason I didn't get in touch was because I was avoiding drama on her wedding day when I wanted her to have a nice day, and I can trust that she genuinely thought I had the info I needed and by the time it clicked that I didn't it was too late, then we can both put it down to a really shitty miscommunication that is upsetting but doesn't have to spell the end of a friendship.

I had to leave to do the school trip but we have spoken a bit more this afternoon. It has been emotional, but neither of us want to fall out over it.

:)

If OP you are pleased at the outcome then that is good, but as others have said it just seems a very peculiar and haphazard way for your friend to have gone about things.

This!

She wouldn't have text you that morning if she thought you already had the details and if I remember rightly you said you mostly communicate over message so she'd have known she was late sending them.

So did she apologise in the message with the details for being so late? No?

I call bullshit. She's manipulating you by crying. She isn't a good friend.

Its painful to see you being played like a kipper. It’s your friendship if you can live with the lies and manipulation that’s a matter for you.

Friend didn’t invite you to her wedding until the very morning of the wedding and then spent her wedding day worrying that you’d harmed yourself? No way. If this really were the case, she’d have just assumed that the invite had arrived too late for you to change your plans.

Agree that this is incredibly manipulative.

I’m sorry OP, but I think she’s full of BS. What has my antenna up is her claiming that she thought you’d self harmed when you didn’t turn up to the wedding. If she’s so concerned about your MH and vulnerability she would have given you the fucking details when you asked her, not left you hanging until the morning of the wedding when other guests probably dropped out and she decided to slot you in.

I'm glad you felt the air was cleared but honestly back off from her and maybe vent/share with someone more trustworthy. It's really fucked up she'd bring up your mental health issues shared in confidence and imply the reason you didn't turn up was because you'd attempted/completed suicide or other self harm. Plus, maybe I'm cynical, but she didn't do much to check you were alive did she?

So now the story is you were too unwell to attend her wedding You should've took your time and sent her a message the night before since you cancelled your childcare and Mum's leave without even knowing! The fact she messaged you in the morning is either her knowing full well she didn't invite you and is "setting the scene" unconsciously for a easier smooth over. At best, she or her family noticed they'd not heard from you and sent you a message. But if that was the case, her message would be more along the lines of hey, what time you getting here etc. Not just givjg you the details - that shows she knows she didnt give you them!!!

I'm so sorry op but you seem very conflict avoidant with her, perhaps its a role you've fallen into with her and I can understand with mh struggles having a safe place to unload and feel valued and heard and have some giggles is so important, and you're probably protecting that by avoiding speaking up, but it's not doing you both any favours. I urge you to reflect on it and your relationship going forward with her, because some of these feelings of resentment and unfairness will probably rear their head again. I could never trust her again, my anxiety would be through the roof. x

I'd assume someone dropped out on the day.

Exactly. And she also knew that OP would need childcare and so a text on the morning of the wedding would most likely be impossible to accept.

But why on earth not give you the details then? If she could do it on the morning of her wedding it makes no sense she couldn't do it before.. I really don't trust there was anything behind it other than not wanting you there, it's easy to come over and chat when the event has passed and she got away with not having you there

What was written in her text message she sent on the morning of her wedding?? Did she just give a time and place or did she apologise for sending the details last minute in her text?

So she cried a bit and turned it around on you, implying you could have been self-harming or worse, but didn't check on you, and now all is well?

With friends like these...

She's treating you like a mug and you are letting her. She knew you didn't have the details because you were repeatedly asking for them both in person and via message, up to just a few days before the wedding. She also wouldn't have sent you the details on the morning of the wedding if she genuinely thought you already had them.

As for her thinking you had harmed yourself when you didn't respond to her message. Did she heck. If she had she would have contacted you both on the day and afterwards. She would not have just left it (unless, of course, she would be happy with you harming yourself). She's used your poor mental health as a weapon to manipulate you and you've fallen for it.

So you didn't want to go to the wedding. You preferred the heart-to-heart with the thinly-veiled subtext about why you didn't want to go and she didn't want you there. It's not what I would call friendship but each to their own.

I'm glad you were able to clear the air and say what you needed to say and that you had a chance to hear her side - though it does sound utter bullcrap from her. I think she was very thoughtless of your feelings and treated you badly. I would be quite wary of her from now on and keep your distance. She sounds incredibly self centred and quite callous and very hot and cold with her behaviour.

For those asking, she messaged me mid-afternoon asking if I was ok, and then saw that I had posted something on social media an hour or so later. Gunna leave this thread there, there's not really much more to say.

Yeah me too, definitely an arse.

Yep

What a crock of shite op. Don't be a mug

She did not think you already had the details, you repeatedly told us that on the previous thread. So she purposefully only messaged you the details when she knew you wouldn't be able to make it.

She didn't think you'd harmed yourself when she didn't hear from you, otherwise she'd have checked up on you before you ended up crossing paths today.

She's tried to push some of the blame onto you when it's her that behaved like a total shit.

I'm pleased that you're happy with the outcome OP but I'd always remember this and protect yourself if I were you OP. She's no friend. She may say she is but her actions say otherwise.

I would love to hear the other side of this story.

Maybe OP is the type to cause an issue if she knew the time and place of the wedding which is why she wasn’t told until the last minute.

Why would she not want to invite her so called friend?!

It’s odd that someone would go out of their way to not have someone at their wedding when all they had to say was that there was no room for OP or something or just let them come.

If she was worried you’d done something stupid due to your mental health why did she not contact you to check?? 🤔

Best to pay attention not to what people say, but what they do.

you seriously think she wanted you there? That’s actually laughable

Thanks for updating OP 💛

Yep. She's got out of her shitty behaviour nicely.