To think 3 is too young to get chucked out of school?

[OneDayIWillDivorceHim]

My DS is in pre school. He's 3. He's young for the year. Hopes to go to reception at same school next year.

DS is hard work. Gets v angry at being told no. Quite strange behaviour. Poor language
Bolts a lot. Always much better behaved at nursery or with family than with me. He's also v loving, hilarious, always gives his food to his brother, long cuddles etc

Anyway. He's potty trained but I have no idea why but he's started weeing in his pants. The pre school have specifically said they expect all kids to be potty trained. He is. Has been since before summer. No idea where this has come from. They really don't like it though.

Today he pushed some toys over. Doesnt listen to them. Very stern staff (traditional private school - distant family member paying for him to go there - we thought structure would be good for him). Now being called in and the dreaded "he makes it difficult for the other children"

I feel it in my bones that are on their way to getting him to leave

I go from thinking F them to thinking its all my fault. They are right he doesn't listen but they don't seem to want to work with me at all. No empathy.

My DH is just being horrible about it all. My other younger kid clings to me like a monkey. Screams if I put her down for one second. Work is a joke. No sleep. Mortgage probs through the roof.

I feel like giving up. Honestly. I donf know what that means but I can't keep on like this. This meeting on Monday has pushed me over the edge I swear. My son is 3 and I'm being called into the school. I'm an embarrassment.

[mamabear715]

Oh, I'm so sorry, @OneDayIWillDivorceHim
It sounds like the last straw for you. :-(
It just sounds to me like it isn't the place for him, assuming he's not showing signs of being ND, of course. I'd be looking at other places PDQ. Stuff them. Hugs.. xx

[Doormice]

In the public system they can’t discriminate against him based on toileting. Sadly I expect the private system can do what they like.

I think you’ll get more compassion and inclusivity in a different nursery. Last thing you want is your 3 year old being made to feel bad about himself before he’s barely started education.

Maybe the relative can use their £ to fund something else for him? Hobbies? Save it for private schooling when he’s older perhaps. He needs a nursery that is nurturing.

[candycaneframe]

Of course they're wanting him to leave

Might even terminate from their end during this meeting

When parents pay good money for something most don't want children like your DS to be there making things difficult for them

Due to being private they can choose who they let in

[Newmum0322]

You’re not an embarrassment, just a mum of two young children going through a lot. You’re being way to hard on yourself.

Frankly, if the school take that approach, no empathy, stern staff etc… then I wouldn’t want my child there. Children need routine and structure absolutely, but in a nurturing setting. It doesn’t sound like that’s what they’re offering.

I only have a 6 month old myself so I can’t offer any words of advice on behaviour etc… as no personal experience, but I do hope you give yourself a break, because it’s tough enough being a mum!

[Aria999]

It sounds horrible. DS6 is hard work too and I live in fear of the Email from the Teacher.

Find someone to babysit DD and go and have a frank conversation with the school. Say you want to help make things better. Ask what their strategies are for managing him and share anything you do that works at home. Offer to reinforce any messages with consequences at home if applicable (3 is a bit young for that but it might work).

Ask / offer frequent communication. Give them your email / phone and say you are happy to be contacted.

Ask if they are considering excluding him and ask what the process for that would be (do you get warnings).

However- the school may just not be right for him. Are there other options you could consider? Would your relative still pay?

Could he be neurodiverse? I am no expert but the language issues combined with the behaviors may be suggestive.

[OneDayIWillDivorceHim]

Thanks for that @candycaneframe

[maskersanonymous]

You really need to focus on your son here. He is very probably extremely stressed in the environment if he is wetting himself again. The nursery are also communicating to you that they don't want your son. You need to listen to both of them and find somewhere more nurturing, perhaps a childminder or nanny would be better and part-time nursery or playgroups.

Perhaps you could find a nursery that has a good SEN provision as they may be more understanding of your son... and perhaps help you if you need to go along any diagnostic pathways.

[OneDayIWillDivorceHim]

@Aria999 I think he probably is ND. People around me think I'm making excuses for him. But there is so much non typical behaviour. He's extremely affectionate to strangers for example.

But I read online about how to help ND kids and its all common sense stuff I try to follow but doesn't make any difference.

[Heronwatcher]

Sounds like you’re having a tough time, so sympathy. But honestly from how you’ve described your son and how you’ve described the school, they are not a good fit.
In your position I’d be considering seriously pulling him out and sending him to a proper nursery where they will be much more helpful with the potty training and the behaviour. If things don’t improve quickly I’d take him out at least for this year and I’d also be considering other options for reception and possibly asking for a delayed start as well.

[ILoveMonday]

All they want to do is talk to you about your son's behaviour and possibly organise some kind of support and they'll probably want to know how you deal with him at home. They may suggest that he's on the spectrum. I really wouldn't stress about it though - see it as an opportunity to tell them about the issues that you have with him. If you try to be open I think it will go much better.

No-one expects you to be the perfect parent. I know it's hard but you're not to blame you're just doing the best you can.

[SpeckofDustUponMySoul]

This preschool certainly doesn't sound like the right fit for your son, however if you are planning on keeping him here, there needs to be a clear plan in place detailing how they can support your child around his less desirable behaviours. Additionally, get their SEN Lead on board to do some obs/a 'sensory audit' to consolidate any plan that is put in place.

[LuckyLil]

I'm seeing some very big alarm bells in the behaviour you describe. Not liking being stopped from doing things, not listening, running off. I'm wondering if he may have underlying difficulties that haven't been picked up?

[RocketPanda]

Sounds like he's ND, trying to hold it together in nursery ( which is stressing him hence the wetting) and falling apart and lashing out at home.
I say that as a ND person myself and parent of both ND and NT children.

[Katapolts]

Private schools don't want children with additional needs or behavioural issues. They tend to 'manage out' any that don't fit in.

[catsonahottinroof]

I know it's hard - but try not to take it personally. Whether or not your son turns out to have some of neurodiversity, if this school does want to get rid of him, then it's not the school for him. The most important thing is that he's well supported by people who actually like him as a person and want him there, and are willing to do their best to support him.
The best thing is to go to the meeting expecting the best, but prepare for the worst. Do not be bullied or intimidated by this school, there are plenty of other options for you.

[bewarethetides]

Private schools won't keep children who other interfere with the education of the rest of the class. They just won't. The other parents are paying too much to have their own children's educations disrupted. That's the cold, hard reality of private schools: they have a choice about who they take; state schools don't to a large degree.

[shivawn]

From your description they sound awful OP, I hope you find someplace better x

[lunar1]

The private school my children have attended since 3 wouldn't be looking to terminate his place there. They would be calling you to come up with a plan together. I've never known them move on a child with additional needs.

[JSDLS]

Your sons behaviour sounds absolutely typical to me but in our house we’re all neurodiverse and hate being told what to do.

My daughter’s three and will be attending an independent school. When we’ve attend tours we’ve immediately dismissed two as they were too authoritarian. Thankfully the one with the best results also happened to be the one who is interested in nurturing the individual.

Id be looking at removing him ASAP.

[Sirzy]

It’s awful but I would look at finding a suitably nurturing nursery for him rather than push for him to stay where he isn’t welcome

[BendingSpoons]

My DS is 3 and has just started at a state school nursery. Every day the teachers are telling one of the parents that their child has had an accident. It is not a big deal because they are 3!

Sorry that they appear to be judging your son and you. If he might be ND I would seriously consider if a private school is the best option for his schooling.

[LIZS]

Is he on EYFS funding from LA? If so they cannot discriminate on toilet training for example. However it does not sound like a good fit, now or possibly in future. If you want him to stay be proactive in arranging meetings with staff to get support, don't just wait for them to. If there is a waiting lust they may try to manage him out,

[MagnaQuestion]

Really so many private schools aren't inclusive.

Look for a good nursery that is inclusive - they will have a warm friendly way of helping his behaviour rather than making him feel "bad" at 3.

[PickySlackTastic]

Move schools now!

[itsgettingweird]

@RocketPanda

Sounds like he's ND, trying to hold it together in nursery ( which is stressing him hence the wetting) and falling apart and lashing out at home.
I say that as a ND person myself and parent of both ND and NT children.

Absolutely this.

My ds has autism.

The one thing you learn though is as hard as it is if people don't want them it's best for the child to be in an environment that does.

I moved my ds secondary schools for the same reason. It was life changing for him and me