To think 3 is too young to get chucked out of school?

[OneDayIWillDivorceHim]

My DS is in pre school. He's 3. He's young for the year. Hopes to go to reception at same school next year.

DS is hard work. Gets v angry at being told no. Quite strange behaviour. Poor language
Bolts a lot. Always much better behaved at nursery or with family than with me. He's also v loving, hilarious, always gives his food to his brother, long cuddles etc

Anyway. He's potty trained but I have no idea why but he's started weeing in his pants. The pre school have specifically said they expect all kids to be potty trained. He is. Has been since before summer. No idea where this has come from. They really don't like it though.

Today he pushed some toys over. Doesnt listen to them. Very stern staff (traditional private school - distant family member paying for him to go there - we thought structure would be good for him). Now being called in and the dreaded "he makes it difficult for the other children"

I feel it in my bones that are on their way to getting him to leave

I go from thinking F them to thinking its all my fault. They are right he doesn't listen but they don't seem to want to work with me at all. No empathy.

My DH is just being horrible about it all. My other younger kid clings to me like a monkey. Screams if I put her down for one second. Work is a joke. No sleep. Mortgage probs through the roof.

I feel like giving up. Honestly. I donf know what that means but I can't keep on like this. This meeting on Monday has pushed me over the edge I swear. My son is 3 and I'm being called into the school. I'm an embarrassment.

@SleepingStandingUp

He is an issue child, it's detailed in the OP, it's impacting other children's enjoyment and experience

Private schools are a business, why keep one child in if it might mean 2-3 remove their kids to avoid them

That’s unkind

I think you may be looking at this in the wrong way OP. My dc has been at two private schools and we moved because the first one was very strict and traditional and it was just too much for our dc. It was a great school for the right dc hence why we originally chose it but school kept pointing things out to us that weren't working between them and dc ( comments started aged 3) and at age 5 we took a step back and realised maybe they were right, our dc was not a good fit for their processes or school.
I wish we'd just taken the hints and moved as was much more stressful moving in year 2 than I imagine if we'd just started in reception at another school.

Current school is still fairly traditional and reins the dc in like no state school ever would (which I like!) but they also let sooo much slide and it's this that suits our dc more. I imagine you have the wrong school and it's not simply a case of it's all a 'problem' with your dc but schools can't come out with we don't like your dc.

Most people no matter what they say wouldn't want another child disrupting their child's education, but what is almost always needed to prevent that happening is more support for the child. At just 3 years old there needs to be lots of support and lots of communication especially for a child potentially struggling with additional needs. This place does not offer that.

You need to find somewhere that has a great track record with SEN, that has small classes, is not too over whelming, where they listen to you and want to get the right help for DS. A nursery or preschool that wants to put all they can in place to support him and make his time there a success.

Lot's of research, talking to other parents, asking on local sites on SM, visiting different places - first without and then with DS.

I'd start seriously looking around now OP.

A three year old isn't an issue child. Lots of three year olds aren't great at listening, regardless of how rich their parents are. Regression in toileting is likely a stress response if it's not happening at home, not a sign he's ruining the lives of all the nice kids who peepee in the toilet. Op has mentioned one example of bad behaviour, something that happens in lots of kids and has clearly said "Always much better behaved at nursery".

Yes it's a business and they can take only people with six fingers of they so wish. But coming onto a thread where people are questioning if DS had additional needs and then talking about "children like him" and how they should be kept away from the implied normal kids is offensive.

@SleepingStandingUp

Again misreading

I've never said I agree with the schools approach

Merely presenting a fact

Oh you sound so stressed. I always say my son did terrible three's instead of terrible two's and he's a lovely six year old now. I also think it's ridiculous for a childcare setting to expect every three year old to be perfectly potty trained with no accidents, all children are different. In my experience this was not the case with a public nursery.

Sympathies OP.

We were in a very similar situation with DC1 and it can all get very stressful.
DC1 is ND but wasn’t diagnosed until partway through Reception, and he did have some behaviour issues compared to the NT kids. (These have since improved a lot).

But it is possible that the school may want him to leave at some point.
DC1 started nursery at a nursery attached to a private school.

Our school did not want children with SEN. We did not realise how unsupportive they were when DC1 started there.
But we ended up removing DC1 after the school told us that they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) support DC1’s needs and that he wouldn’t be welcome in the next school year, and all the other ND kids I knew of around DC1’s age were also managed out of that school. Mums who had older kids told me that similar things had happened with SEN / ND kids previously.

DC1 moved to a mainstream state primary school and did very well there.

Of course not all private schools are the same, some will be more nurturing and inclusive than the one DC1 went to, but it may be worthwhile thinking about whether the environment at your DS’s nursery suits him, and whether he’d cope better in a less stern and more nurturing nursery.

Thank you so much for all your helpful advice.

Of course @candycaneframe I'm gonna call my kid hilarious and loving. He is. Imagine if I wrote "he's a bloody nightmare". He's my child and I will defend and love him forever. I also recognise that some of his behaviours aren't exactly desirable but I know it's because he's frustrated, anxious and struggles with communication and its my job to help him overcome that. I just hope his pre school wants to work in partnership with us to help him be less impulsive and upset. But if they don't want kids who need a little extra support - then yeah, I'll obviously find somewhere else. God knows how but I'm not going to keep him at a place that sees him as an "issue"

At 3 years old it's quite common to have accidents my son used to hold it in when he was having too much fun, he didn't want to go to the toilet and miss out. I've seen a lot of little boys do that. All the nursery have to do is pay attention to it and if they see him holding it in just tell him I'll hold your toy while you use the toilet of I'll make sure nobody breaks the tower you're building.

You can go to the most expensive school with the most sophisticated toys and equipment but what it all boils down to is the values of the teachers and their integrity.

Just be aware OP that it isn't just private schools that do this. We had a state primary school that consistently got the 'best' SATS and had awards for its results etc and several families in the area reported that when they mentioned their dc had SEN/were ND the school made it clear that certain SEN could not be met at the school.
So obvious therefore how they got their results, by filtering who was there.

Also be aware that sometimes the best places for dc with Sen outside of a Sen school is often state schools because they have usually got procedures in place that you can go through to help the dc meet their needs or at least procedures that you can force through more easily as well.

Just to point out that unfortunately whichever school you decide on whether state or private it is often a lottery of which class teacher they get. My ds8 has two teachers on a job share, their approaches couldn't be anymore different and it's impact on my son is patent, ie. Regularly gets awards and amazing feedback from teacher 1, regularly gets scalded and I get called over at pickup by teacher 2. All it takes as someone above stated is small adaptations and an ounce of effort on the teachers part to work out how to engage and manage and the dividends are endless, rather than trying to manage the fallout.
If your ds does turn out to be ND, you will likely always need to be his advocate and deal with ignorance, even from those you'd expect it from the least like teachers. But when the balance is right it feels amazing, and you learn to celebrate the small wins xx

Hello - just an update (that no-one asked for) - went into pre-school today.

Apparently he's pushing toys off tables and then running away. And he can't 'sit still for more than 5 mins'. And they have to say his name 'a few times before he listens'

They wanted to know if we had any strategies at home. At home - I just keep repeating myself, being gentle, explaining to him etc etc - and if he does anything really bad like throw something - I leave the room and walk away from him.

They nodded along but really could tell they just see him as a right pain in the arse

The thing is - they had a had whole school photo last week (hundreds of kids) and DS sat cross legged at the front patiently the whole time - for me that is a massive win at 3 but they just shrugged.

I feel pretty deflated.

You aren't an embarrassment. You've got young kids and it is hard. He needs a school that is more suited to him. Before my ds started preschool I told them that we were working on his behaviour think grabbing, wanting his own way, lots of tantrums, they reassured me it was typical of kids aged 3 and they would work on it too. Ds now at 5 is great at taking turns and sharing, he still wants to be first but can bide his time now which is a big deal for him. School is meant to be a nurturing place that works alongside a child's needs to help them develop. If they see him as problematic then he deserves to be somewhere else.

OP, have you looked at alternative nurseries?

Sounds like fairly normal 3 year old behavior tbh. If they really can't deal with that, I might be starting to feel it's not you, it's them....

Sounds like a normal 3 yo to me. Threenagers is a real thing. The frustration, the big emotions, not being able to eloquently express their feelings and needs and of course the ignoring you. You need to find a new setting where the teachers have experience in actually dealing with 3 yo's.

You haven't failed him but you will fail him if you continue to keep him in a setting he is clearly showing signs of not being happy there. He deserves a much more nurturing setting and he will flourish.

And I'm saying this as a parent who once had a similar one like yours. The right setting really helped him and it was a lovely journey to witness all the positive changes.

I think the issue will be the expectations in a private school nursery.

Is this a private preschool?
Or a have fun preschool?
As there is definitely a difference. Private preschool is expecting the children to start year 1 work at 4 instead of 5. And push them through school a whole year early. Which I think is ridiculous.

Move your child to a preschool that he can play and have fun at. This one doesn't sound much fun!

I only read the first post but… If it helps, I was chucked out of school at 3. It did me the world of good, I was toilet trained but not ready, forced my mum to wait some time and find me a better match of school.

Was he in nursery before? Did they have provision until 4? If so, what about putting him back in nursery for another year?

Now… you. You need some rest to recover a bit! book them both in nursery and take a week off work, honestly, you would be like another person after it. I raised my child alone working very long hours, this one week a year to focus on myself always helped me regain my balance.

@candycaneframe why do you feel the need to be so cruel in your posts. @OneDayIWillDivorceHim needs help and advice, not your vitriolic comments

Yes it is and it's the failure of the school not the child or the parent. Move him somewhere they know how to look after children.