To think 3 is too young to get chucked out of school?

[OneDayIWillDivorceHim]

My DS is in pre school. He's 3. He's young for the year. Hopes to go to reception at same school next year.

DS is hard work. Gets v angry at being told no. Quite strange behaviour. Poor language
Bolts a lot. Always much better behaved at nursery or with family than with me. He's also v loving, hilarious, always gives his food to his brother, long cuddles etc

Anyway. He's potty trained but I have no idea why but he's started weeing in his pants. The pre school have specifically said they expect all kids to be potty trained. He is. Has been since before summer. No idea where this has come from. They really don't like it though.

Today he pushed some toys over. Doesnt listen to them. Very stern staff (traditional private school - distant family member paying for him to go there - we thought structure would be good for him). Now being called in and the dreaded "he makes it difficult for the other children"

I feel it in my bones that are on their way to getting him to leave

I go from thinking F them to thinking its all my fault. They are right he doesn't listen but they don't seem to want to work with me at all. No empathy.

My DH is just being horrible about it all. My other younger kid clings to me like a monkey. Screams if I put her down for one second. Work is a joke. No sleep. Mortgage probs through the roof.

I feel like giving up. Honestly. I donf know what that means but I can't keep on like this. This meeting on Monday has pushed me over the edge I swear. My son is 3 and I'm being called into the school. I'm an embarrassment.

You sound very tired and stressed OP, I hope things improve for you.

And why is your partner being awful about it? You’re both parents to 2 young children, he needs to be part of the solution.

The comment is very harsh and hurtful to the op and I feel for her because it's sounds like there are possibilities other issues going on. Unfortunately I do think it's true about private schools. My ds is at one. Come to think of it I have yet to see a 1-2-1 there and I do know for a fact that there's not a child in his Year with Sen. Op if you feel they want him out then best to start looking somewhere else because he might be labeled as a problem child and affect him when it's not his fault.

Please please go easy on yourself, I've been in your shoes and I know it won't seem like it now, but you will get through this and find a way that works for you all whether that's in his current nursery or somewhere else.

They can't exclude your child on the basis of him having accidents - he's 3, it comes with the territory. And they ought to be putting a plan in place to manage his bad behaviour. They can't say to you 'we've tried but you aren't cooperating etc etc' if they haven't agreed a behaviour management plan between themselves and you as parents - or at least I would like to think.

They seem snobby to me.

Of course they're wanting him to leave

Might even terminate from their end during this meeting

When parents pay good money for something most don't want children like your DS to be there making things difficult for them

Due to being private they can choose who they let in

^^ whilst you may be making a reflection on the private school system, this post is seriously lacking in compassion.
if there’s anything I’d prefer my children weren’t exposed to in their formative years, it’s people lacking compassion.

It could be that the nursery want to talk to you about what could be SEN and starting that conversation with you, especially if you haven't shared your thoughts about his not being neuro typical with the setting. It might help you to have someone else like the nursery staff making those suggestions. I hope it's that they want to support you and your son the best they can. Good luck.

if there’s anything I’d prefer my children weren’t exposed to in their formative years, it’s people lacking compassion

Well put @Onlystar

The school sounds useless, I had no idea private schools were so shit with ND kids.
Honestly, I think it depends on the school. Some are awful, some are brilliant. But this one ('stern' staff in a nursery?) sounds all sorts of wrong.

3yo often still have toileting accidents. If he is ND then he will have done well to be already toilet trained.
We would ask a parent to come and talk to us about a child with difficult behaviour because we would want to find out what behaviour is typical outside of nursery, what triggers a parent knows about and how they deal with a behaviour. It helps consistency between different adults and environments. If we felt there could be SEN then we could discuss referrals for support so that a one to one could be put in place ready for school.

sounds like it’s not the place for him. Pull him out and send him to a local state setting. Wetting is a sure sign of distress.
if you’re concerned about his behaviour generally def take him to the GP or speak to the health visitor.

For whatever reason, this isn't the right school for him. I also suggest finding a good state school. He needs to go somewhere where they'll welcome him with open arms.

Of course they can

It's a private setting, they don't have to have any child there they don't want for any reason

Talk about limited reading ability

This is one of the known benefits of private education as a whole, not that I agree with it,

Schools don't have to give anyone an education when private, parents pay, so they have more freedom to remove 'issue' children compared to state schools.

I'd get your son out of there and into mainstream. His (presumably private too) nursery have been shit in not picking up his issues. The school is failing him - unless they are about to tell you how their Wave 1-3 interventions are going and how they are getting in Educational Psych yo observe etc. Pick him up and run.
Go where they have the better skills and resources to provide

Look up Pathological Demand Avoidance it's a profile of Autism

It's a private school, so yes they can exclude a child if they wish. I'm not saying they should, but many private schools won't want to spend money on specialist SEND teachers. They are businesses, they exist to make a profit.

Private schools are known to exclude kids who show signs of SEN. It happened to DS - autistic, ADHD, PDA - from about the same age. Parents pay so that unruly kids are excluded (and yes it is very wrong).

DS is now thriving in an outstanding mainstream state school. In your position I would negotiate with the school to get the ECHP before you agree to voluntarily remove him. Once you have the EHCP you can have your pick of state schools - even full ones. We just chose the leafiest/smallest .

I did a 3 month work placement in the nursery of a private school, It was honestly horrendous.
The way the staff there treated the few children who were obviously ND was just absolutely appalling, to the point that there'd be absolutely no way they'd get away with their treatment towards them in a state school.

If the child didn't fit the box they wanted they'd do everything in their power to get the parents to withdraw them. There was zero support in place and staff didn't have a clue how to manage any of their emotional needs.

There was a little boy there who's parents had just split, he understandably began displaying some signs of regression, nothing out of the ordinary for a 3 year old going through so much change.
They had his poor mum in tears on more than one occasion, all he needed was a bit of extra support but that wasn't even a consideration for them.

Completely changed my opinion on private education.

Most Private Schools begin their regime of social engineering from day one. I have experienced and witnessed this type of situation at pre school, junior and senior level dependent on intake year of the pupil. I would imagine that they are keen to manage out pupils who take up too much of the staffs’ time and attention but most of all it’s the parents who often create mini campaigns to get neuro diverse children excluded as they might present to them as a naughty child who is upsetting Their childrens’ education for which they pay. I have seen parents get campaigns running to garner support by lobbying other parents to complain about certain children to get them ousted. It’s fucking horrible. In my opinion your little boy shouldn’t be in this toxic judgy environment with elitist views that children with SEN are somehow lesser or highly annoying.

It sounds like the long distance relative would be better giving the fees to you to ease your everyday life and living expenses and send your son to a free pre school what a waste of money ! Regarding your son maybe the wetting is because he doesn't like it or feel safe there. I would move him to a more relaxed setting and see how he goes. Maybe contact the gp or health visitor about his speech delay and see if you can get some help that way.

That's terrible. I don't understand how people can treat little children this way. What if it was their child ? Sometimes all they need to a cuddle it breaks my heart

I wouldn't send my 8 year old somewhere with "stern staff" let alone a 3 year old. Pull him out.

That's not our experience either. Two of my children's prep schools are really inclusive for SEN.
One did ask a child to leave, but he was being really violent and not being parented properly.

OP - It's probably the wrong school for him, my boys would not have managed in a prep environment at that age, they needed somewhere more relaxed where they could run around.
I'd nod at appropriate intervals and when they suggest he leaves. agree and ask for your money back for this term.
I'd also do a parenting course, I did one years ago and most of it I did already, but there were certain things that were useful.

If the nursery accepts 3 year old funding, they can't insist on him
being toilet trained.

However, it doesn't sound like a good setting at all.