To think 3 is too young to get chucked out of school?

[OneDayIWillDivorceHim]

My DS is in pre school. He's 3. He's young for the year. Hopes to go to reception at same school next year.

DS is hard work. Gets v angry at being told no. Quite strange behaviour. Poor language
Bolts a lot. Always much better behaved at nursery or with family than with me. He's also v loving, hilarious, always gives his food to his brother, long cuddles etc

Anyway. He's potty trained but I have no idea why but he's started weeing in his pants. The pre school have specifically said they expect all kids to be potty trained. He is. Has been since before summer. No idea where this has come from. They really don't like it though.

Today he pushed some toys over. Doesnt listen to them. Very stern staff (traditional private school - distant family member paying for him to go there - we thought structure would be good for him). Now being called in and the dreaded "he makes it difficult for the other children"

I feel it in my bones that are on their way to getting him to leave

I go from thinking F them to thinking its all my fault. They are right he doesn't listen but they don't seem to want to work with me at all. No empathy.

My DH is just being horrible about it all. My other younger kid clings to me like a monkey. Screams if I put her down for one second. Work is a joke. No sleep. Mortgage probs through the roof.

I feel like giving up. Honestly. I donf know what that means but I can't keep on like this. This meeting on Monday has pushed me over the edge I swear. My son is 3 and I'm being called into the school. I'm an embarrassment.

When a parent describes their child as "hilarious" they usually aren't. You say yourself that you have issues with his behaviour. It sounds like he is playing up for the attention and perhaps they don't find his antics and poor behaviour as hilarious as you do. Is he perhaps wetting himself for some form of attention if they are not putting up with bad behaviour from him that usually gets attention from you?

So much criticism of private schools, the two my dc have experienced have done so much more to keep my neurodiverse children happy than the state secondary we tried. It really depends on the school.

op have you looked up pda syndrome? It requires different techniques to parent a child with pda syndrome than normal autism. The pda society website is helpful.

The setting is not really good for him They also have to think about their other children who may well be frightened and saying they don’t want to come in.

There are better schools than this. Look for one of those.

He’s only 3. The fact he’s started wetting himself soon after starting indicates that he’s not settling in happily there.
That would concern me as a parent.
It doesn’t sound like a gentle nurturing environment so I’d be looking for somewhere else that’s a lot more child centred.

It sounds like you need a different school, no matter what a child’s needs are the school must be willing and caring enough to support their students and this school clearly doesn’t want to do that. I’d be looking at changing and seeing what other schools can offer, you can explain the situation and see how they respond to what support they can offer.
My youngest is ND and has had toileting issues his whole life. It’s a developmental delay and a sensory issue, he doesn’t get the signals he needs to tell him when to go so there’s not much we can do other than lots of toilet breaks but he still has accidents, his school have been good overall, it’s challenging but they’ve stuck to the toileting plans and we have had a lot of support from the right teams.
I will say if you are concerned then speak to your health visitor as they are the ones to get the ball rolling for any referrals needed.

Hi op. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it does sound like they are unlikely to offer him a place in reception based on his current situation. Even if they don’t ask him to leave now, it is likely to be stressful down the line… I know, I’ve been there. Why not take him out into a nurturing environment for a few months and see if they can help him become more settled, and if you’re set on this school try for a reception place when he’s a bit older? He might be a different child by then- he’s still very little. Also, there are nurturing private schools out there. Maybe visit a few and see if you get a better feel?

Another thing to consider, and I don't think it's been mentioned on here, is that if he has additional needs and requires SEN Time (assuming he starts in reception) that will be an additional fee to the school fees in most cases in private school.

Just something to be aware of.

It doesn't sound as though this school is the right fit for him OP. If his behaviour has regressed then he's not coping there.

Good luck.

My 5 year old GS couldn't get past 1/2 hour in reception, my DD didn't even bother going home, just waited outside the school for the inevitable phone call to collect him. He was bad-tempered, disruptive and the school couldn't cope. The same in nursery, though he managed half a day there.

He got moved to a SEN school and has done full days since day one - he's like a completely different kid. He hasn't got a diagnosis, though his teachers/educational psy are pretty much sure he has ASD, just going down the pathway now.

Id look for somewhere that can meet his needs better.

This is totally unreasonable on the schools behalf he's still so little and is having a huge change in routine and some kids can wet as a result of that. I'd be going to that meeting looking to work with them to find solutions on how you can follow similar structures at home and at school to better support him to regulate (because at that age kids cannot regulate themselves). I'd be asking if they suspect he might be neuro diverse as it sounds like you have noticed some behaviours you're keeping an eye on and what their policy is on supporting children with suspected neurodiversity. Basically I'd be going in with a working together attitude but putting some responsibility back on them as at the end of the day they are also responsible for your little one thriving at school and need to be as flexible as they can before they even get near the point of asking him to leave.

Sounds tough.

it’s not the right place for him. Private schools really don’t like children who rock the boat.

Deep breath. The private system
is unlikely to fit your child’s needs. They can be very picky in regard to who they accept and what they tolerate. What he needs is to be seen by someone who can evaluate and possibly diagnose and then you can both take the route that will help him best.

All behaviour is communication, I suspect you need more gentle, loving methods than a "tough but fair" approach with this child.

He sounds like a neurodiverse child in an unsupportive setting with a home life that doesn't sound wholy nurturing.

And we question why he's peeing his pants and pushing stuff over?

@OneDayIWillDivorceHim it his isn’t the place for him. My daughter had a boy in her class that acted up all the time - the school tried to help, but couldn’t manage him - he went to a new school and instantly settled and thrived.

it’s not your fault (and I speak as the mother of a small child who got kicked out of summer camp). It’s a poor setting for him and he will do better elsewhere.

I agree with others; the school you've chosen doesn't sound like a good fit with your son. I think it would be a blessing if they ask him to leave. Then he could try a state pre-school where they have to work with you about his needs and behaviour. And help you with potty training if needed.

Oh my God.

Listen, I could have posted this 17 years ago.

In fact, I am sure I did.

Ds was the same. Private school nursery did chuck him out. State school nursery he did no better.

Long story short, we toughed it out into reception. It was a living hell.

Took him out and home educated him. He was too young. Being away from me stressed him out. He decided to try school from year 5 and was fine.

Now I am not saying to home ed. It was right for ds. He’s 20 now. He’s spoken about when he was little over the years. He was full of fear at preschool/reception.

Children are all different. My middle child loved pre school. Adored it. Adores school.

I have a two year old who is just like her brother was - I am probably just going to HE from day one to save myself and her what we went though all those years ago.

My son is 20 now, doing fantastically at uni. But speaking to him about his younger years, what he remembers etc is heartbreaking sometimes.

I don’t have any answers for you, but I have been there. And it affected me so badly (we lived in a small village at the time, my son became known as the “devil child” 😟, I used to get laughed at in the street and was spat at by another parent once, he was just so sad and overwhelmed.

This, 100%.

OP, my instinct when you mentioned the sudden wetting when your DS was previously toilet trained is that it’s just another expression of how unhappy he is in that environment 😢

FWIW, I don’t agree with the Mumsnet bias against private schools. I appreciate the argument that they’re exclusive, it’s not fair that you can pay to get your child a better education, etc. But my own limited experience of private school since sending DS is that some at least can be brilliant, nurturing places.

The fact is, the school you’ve chosen is not, so I’d be removing your child ASAP and finding him a place, whether it be state or private, that is better suited to his individual needs.

Such a pity the people paying for the private nursery can't help you out financially as a family. Nursery is a waste of money in this instance. Their money though ☹️

I'd approach the school before they approach you. Ask for their support. Mention suspected additional needs, getting an assessment etc.

I can sympathise with the nursery staff as well though. They are only human and have to be able to provide the appropriate level of care to ALL the pupils. They just can't physically manage to give as much attention that is needed to the rest of one individual is taking up the majority of their time. IMO If a childs needs can't be accommodated without being significantly detrimental to the rest of the group then they need extra support whether that's extra support staff or another setting.

If he needs 1-2-1 attention then you have to address that with the school. Request it. Ask them what the process is to get extra help. If they can't provide it then pull him out and look for a more suitable setting.

My nephew had to leave two nursery's when he was three due to his behaviour. Both nursery's spoke to my sister numerous times but she wouldn't listen. He is now seven and she is called to his primary school most days. She won't get him tested for ADHD. Just says he's being a boy. Our family disagree and feel it would be in his best interests to get checked. If he does have ADHD and its managed I'm sure he would be so much happier.

For what it’s worth your boy sounds feisty and adorable !

Feisty

Another word parents of badly behaved children use to mask that they're just not well behaved.

We could play bingo on this post

Spirited, hilarious, feisty - what next

He isn't an "issue" child, he's a 3 Yr old who's overwhelmed and poorly supported by the school. He peed his pants and pushed a toy over. He didn't verbally abuse staff and throw a chair through the window fgs

Spirited, hilarious, feisty - what next

Autistic, probably. Maybe ADHD, PDA, SPD after that.

Are you equally contemptuous about other disabled children, or just the "naughty" ones? FFS.

Bore off

The OPs child has no diagnosis, and often it's the parents of the poorly behaved children who resort to using 'cute' terms for their behaviour