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Original poster

My DC missing for 4 hours after school.!!

409 replies

Highfivemum · 29/09/2022 18:45

had no intention of putting this up for discussion but after call today I am livid and would like some opinions
so my DC summer born started high school beginning of the month. Just 11 so young in year. He catches the coach from our village and has done this since he started. All fine up until yesterday when he was not on the coach when I waited for it after school. Tried his phone and it was turned off. Frantic drive to school with other DC and he was no where to be found. School did not have a clue where he was. Caretaker and head teacher called back into school ( they had both left premises when I got there) they both insisted he got the coach etc as all year 7 were taken to the coach stop at rear of school and escorted on the coach. For info it is a small high school. And only runs 3 coaches to surrounding villages.
Cutting a long story short that seemed like days for me my DC was discovered to be on another coach and was in another village, sitting by the coach stop. We eventually were reunited over 4 hours later.
my DC was distraught. He said his teacher let them out of lessons late and took three Dc to the back of the school and put them all on the same coach. This was the only coach left at school as the others had left. He said no time to collect their phones from the office. This was the wrong coach. When the coach arrived at its final destination my DC who was to upset to say anything got of the coach ,And there he sat till the error was discovered and we collected him.
the school today have said my son was at fault and he should have spoke to the driver and not got off the coach.,,, yes I get that but they have not admitted any mistake with the staff at all.
I am livid. Am I being unreasonable. What would anyone else think/ do. My DH took our DC to school today as they didn’t want to go.

OP posts:
Pava22 · 29/09/2022 20:34

Can you get him a tracker watch that he can call on you can get them and put a sim card in and put on school mode. Then he always has something with him. School doesn't need to k ow he has a sim card just make sure on silent. You shouldn't have to I know, but it might give peace of mind.

Misty84 · 29/09/2022 20:35

Horrendous from the school. Bless your DS for waiting where he was dropped, trusting that you would find him. So glad he is ok.

littlehatme · 29/09/2022 20:35

OP - This is very scary - poor you and your DS.
My 11-year-old would be extremely worried too. I think schools should put a buddy system in place for things like this.Does your DS know anyone on his bus? I know this isn't the point, but after a few weeks he'll start to see the same faces and know instantly which bus he is meant to be on.

The school has handled this badly however, and they should have a better system in place so something like this never happens again.

HorseInTheHouse · 29/09/2022 20:36

I'd also be a bit disappointed in his class mates. Didn't they know he wasn't from their village? But they just went off and left him at the bus stop? I appreciate maybe they don't know each other that well yet but if that were my child I'd hope they would offer to help by letting him come home and use a phone.

Jenpeg · 29/09/2022 20:37

PorridgewithQuark · 29/09/2022 19:00

I'm really sorry you and your child had a scary experience, and happy to hear it turned out okay.

However unless this is a special needs school (which you haven't mentioned) I'm absolutely astounded that year 7s are escorted to the coach and not trained in all the realistic "what you do if xyz" s.

My children have been catching school buses from age 6 and then from age 10 public transport and it's always been on the children to get on the right bus. We taught and rehersed from the start what to do if you miss the bus, get on the wrong bus or get off at the wrong stop, and between the three of them they'd unintentionally tried out all the contingency plans successfully at some point.

My youngest is 11 and the idea anyone would need to put him on the right bus is quite alien - he's very much responsible for getting on the right bus and has been from his first day at secondary (when he was 10 and a half as we're non UK - different school system). The public buses he catches stop at a row of stops in front of a different secondary school 500 meters from his - that school has over a thousand pupils aged 10-18 as does his school (so over 2000 total) and at least 20 buses leave from the bus stops within the 10-15 minutes after school finishes.

tldr: I think children need to be equipped with the skills and contingency plans to deal with these types of situation by age 11.

I think it's alright saying you're child doesn't need put on a bus, but what if someone just did it? What if a teacher let them out late and frog marched them to the last remaining bus and put them on it, which they trusted then realised it wasn't their bus? Would your child question the teacher in the moment if there was no obvious sign it wasn't their bus? Would they push back? It's not about ability to get themselves on the correct bus, it's about having to undermine and adult telling you to do something, most 11 year olds trust adults in a position of authority and bow down to their control

SignOnTheWindow · 29/09/2022 20:38

WinterDeWinter · 29/09/2022 19:45

Honestly, I think so many of you must be fundamentally very conflicted or anxious about your own parenting - or perhaps you think of parenting as a zero-sum game, where someone else's failure means that you are more of a success? It's the only explanation I can think of for the gleeful jumping to harsh judgement of both parents and children that I see on here these days - it's got so much worse. There used to be one or two low-empathy sneerer on each thread, now it often seems to be half and half.

It's so horrid, this beady-eyed watching of others to make sure they're not getting anything they don't deserve. We've become a nation of much smaller, meaner people over the last ten years.

Completely agree, WinterDeWinter.

surreygirl1987 · 29/09/2022 20:38

However unless this is a special needs school (which you haven't mentioned) I'm absolutely astounded that year 7s are escorted to the coach and not trained in all the realistic "what you do if xyz" s.

I thought the same thing. I've never heard of secondary school kids being taken to the bus stop. I do agree that the school was at fault though- the lesson should not have ended so late that the pupils missed the bus.

Thurst · 29/09/2022 20:39

God you must be absolutely frazzled from 4 hours of complete panic and then the anger that your son wasn’t looked after. Thank god he’s okay.

Maybebabyno2 · 29/09/2022 20:40

Words cannot describe how I would have felt in this situation. I would be going to the papers if the school didn't take any responsibility. I wouldn't be able to see for the red mist.

I hope you're all okay op. I really feel for you, this must have been terrifying. X

user1471457751 · 29/09/2022 20:41

If your son who gets the bus every day couldn't recognise that he was on the wrong bus then I don't see how the teacher was expected to know. Perhaps press the school/LA, depending on who is responsible, to put aome sort of sign on the buses so their destinations can be identified. I'm surprised they don't do that already

Paddingtonthebear · 29/09/2022 20:41

That does sound quite scary for him and I think the school need to have a better system with numbered buses so that kids can identity their correct bus.

As an aside, this is a eye opener for me. When my DC start at the ginormous local secondary school in 2 years time I just assumed they will be getting themselves to and from school independently (after some practice runs with us). We don’t live rurally so I hasn’t considered that aspect but I thought most kids go on their own from Y7.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 29/09/2022 20:41

thank you all for your comments. I have read them all, even the ones not kind , and my DH will see what response he gets tomorrow.
I do believe you can prepare you DC for things but have no idea how they react when something happens. 11 is still very young and I so hope this doesn’t knock his confidence anymore. He isn’t getting the coach this week.
He is in bed now and I still can’t stop think about it without getting tearful. Before he went to bed he said I knew you or Dad would find me mum but it seemed to take forever. That cut me up.
thanks again I will see what the school day tomorrow to DH

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 29/09/2022 20:45

ancientgran · 29/09/2022 20:26

Putting numbers on the buses would seem like a good idea.

Show quote history

Exactly. It’s ridiculous they don’t. I always told mine check correct bus/train but if the bus has no number they can’t check and neither can teacher.

WillPowerLite · 29/09/2022 20:46

Omg OP, how scary for you and for your poor ds. Of course the school is at fault and you should complain.

The main fault was that this teacher kept students late when they needed to catch the bus.

But I do think you should go through with him what do if the commute home goes wrong. Simple steps, like always have a paper copy of emergency numbers - in case of no mobile or no battery.

Do not have him break school rules by encouraging him to hide a mobile in his bag.

Go through different tactics: Who can they approach for help? (If there was a shop nearby, he could have had them ring the school if he did not know your number, or he could have used another student's mobile to do that.)

How can they build up the confidence to ask for help or correct an adult?

And of course he could have told the bus driver at the last stop that he was in the wrong place.

The school majorly f*ed up. It's not your ds's fault. That doesn't mean he can't learn from their errors.

AliMonkey · 29/09/2022 20:46

I can't believe the number of people saying that it's the OP's fault or her son's that he didn't feel he could speak up, particularly the poster who said they'd reprimand their DS for not speaking up.

My DS has selective mutism and in those circumstances he could easily have been completely unable to speak up to the teacher or the bus driver, however much he needed to. He got lost once at a primary school event and I was so grateful to the mum of his friend who saw him on his own and phoned me to tell him where he was, but he wouldn't even speak to her, even though he'd been to their house lots of times. He has had loads of help over the years from us and school and a psychologist and can finally speak to a teacher if they ask him a question but in his 10 years of school has never once spoken to a teacher without them prompting him first.

Yes, most DC don't have SM but it's not a great leap to realise that all DC are different and some, including it seems the OP's son, would find the circumstances so overwhelming that they couldn't speak up. At this stage in the first term, the teacher won't know the children well enough to be confident that they would speak up if there was a problem, so they absolutely should not have assumed. With DS, even a simple "is this your bus?" would have enabled him to nod or shake his head.

So school is to blame and you should start by talking to the safeguarding lead to find out how they are going to change things to ensure this doesn't happen ever again in future to any child. I don't expect them to ensure every child gets on the right bus, just not to force a child onto a bus without allowing them to get their phone back or checking it's the right bus.

Icouldbehappy · 29/09/2022 20:47

Poor wee soul! But well done to him for waiting where he was.
You’ve had a hard time from some posters on here but I can understand why he didn’t say anything.
(I once dripped blood on the corridor floor because I was using tampons for the first time and it was the first day of my period; I couldn’t tell how long they would last. Turns out, not very long! By morning interval, I’d used the two that I’d brought with me and that was that.

I was too embarrassed to ask anyone for help. That was the LONGEST day ever and I’ve never been so grateful to have been offered a lift home by a friend.
I was 14 and perfectly articulate. I was just embarrassed. 40 years later and I can still remember the horror of it so clearly.
Nobody noticed, thank God!)
As others have said, tell him to keep his phone in his bag and have a wee chat about possible scenarios in the future. Lots of good ideas/advice on here.
I’d definitely raise it with the HT. There could be several reasons why the teacher was late dismissing them and possibly, they panicked about the bus leaving, hence telling them to leave their phones.
I’m not saying the teacher was right, far from it. Just trying to give another perspective.
Definitely a safeguarding issue.
A good opportunity for the HT to reinforce to all staff that classes must be dismissed promptly.
Possibly, pastoral care staff could use this situation to highlight to pupils what they should do if they ever find themselves in a similar position, regardless of whose fault it is.
A learning curve for everyone.

I once saw a girl of about 10 crying at the bus stop after school. I stopped and went back to see if she was ok. She had missed her bus and didn’t know what to do.
Luckily, she knew her mum’s number so I called her on my phone and let the girl speak to her. I told the mum that I’d wait at the bus stop with her till her bus came.

Another time, I was out with my DC at a park about 20 miles from me. We were sitting on a picnic rug when I saw a young teenage boy approach me. He was in tears. I thought maybe he’d been beaten up or something. It turned out that he was to meet his football team there but had got the wrong day or something.
He didn’t know his mum’s number but I found her on Facebook and got in touch with her. She came to get him and you could see he just needed a hug from her.
I was glad that we were there to help him and that he was sensible enough to ask a mum with young DC. (This was about 10 years ago.)

Give your boy a big hug and give yourself one, too.
Not every 11 year old is streetwise.

DeadDonkey · 29/09/2022 20:47

antelopevalley · 29/09/2022 19:26

He needs to be taught to speak up. By secondary school this is expected.

Speaking up isn’t something that can be taught to all children.

Noteverybodylives · 29/09/2022 20:48

At the very least they need to have signs in the bud windows so students know exactly which bus it is.

Tell him if he is ever unsure to just get his phone and ring you or ask the bud driver/ teacher.

He was at fault for seeing that the other buses had gone but still getting on this one without checking.
However, the majority of children don’t like asking adults that they don’t know and I don’t blame him for doing it.

Obviously you don’t want this happening again but experiences like this do make us into much better people who can cope with much more than people who’ve never had these experiences.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 29/09/2022 20:49

Icouldbehappy · 29/09/2022 20:47

Poor wee soul! But well done to him for waiting where he was.
You’ve had a hard time from some posters on here but I can understand why he didn’t say anything.
(I once dripped blood on the corridor floor because I was using tampons for the first time and it was the first day of my period; I couldn’t tell how long they would last. Turns out, not very long! By morning interval, I’d used the two that I’d brought with me and that was that.

I was too embarrassed to ask anyone for help. That was the LONGEST day ever and I’ve never been so grateful to have been offered a lift home by a friend.
I was 14 and perfectly articulate. I was just embarrassed. 40 years later and I can still remember the horror of it so clearly.
Nobody noticed, thank God!)
As others have said, tell him to keep his phone in his bag and have a wee chat about possible scenarios in the future. Lots of good ideas/advice on here.
I’d definitely raise it with the HT. There could be several reasons why the teacher was late dismissing them and possibly, they panicked about the bus leaving, hence telling them to leave their phones.
I’m not saying the teacher was right, far from it. Just trying to give another perspective.
Definitely a safeguarding issue.
A good opportunity for the HT to reinforce to all staff that classes must be dismissed promptly.
Possibly, pastoral care staff could use this situation to highlight to pupils what they should do if they ever find themselves in a similar position, regardless of whose fault it is.
A learning curve for everyone.

I once saw a girl of about 10 crying at the bus stop after school. I stopped and went back to see if she was ok. She had missed her bus and didn’t know what to do.
Luckily, she knew her mum’s number so I called her on my phone and let the girl speak to her. I told the mum that I’d wait at the bus stop with her till her bus came.

Another time, I was out with my DC at a park about 20 miles from me. We were sitting on a picnic rug when I saw a young teenage boy approach me. He was in tears. I thought maybe he’d been beaten up or something. It turned out that he was to meet his football team there but had got the wrong day or something.
He didn’t know his mum’s number but I found her on Facebook and got in touch with her. She came to get him and you could see he just needed a hug from her.
I was glad that we were there to help him and that he was sensible enough to ask a mum with young DC. (This was about 10 years ago.)

Give your boy a big hug and give yourself one, too.
Not every 11 year old is streetwise.

Thank you.
what a truly lovely person you sound. ♥️

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 29/09/2022 20:50

For those of you saying the boy should have stopped someone or gone into a shop to ask for help havent actually been into a lot of villages. Most villages in my area (rural county) dont have shops or even much in the way of passers by.

The boy has probably also had it drummed into him not to speak to the driver and to do what the driver says.

This is a school cock up. Possibly the teacher didnt know how the bus system worked. This is on the school to make sure that lessons are not allowed to overrun.

Caroffee · 29/09/2022 20:51

PorridgewithQuark · 29/09/2022 19:00

I'm really sorry you and your child had a scary experience, and happy to hear it turned out okay.

However unless this is a special needs school (which you haven't mentioned) I'm absolutely astounded that year 7s are escorted to the coach and not trained in all the realistic "what you do if xyz" s.

My children have been catching school buses from age 6 and then from age 10 public transport and it's always been on the children to get on the right bus. We taught and rehersed from the start what to do if you miss the bus, get on the wrong bus or get off at the wrong stop, and between the three of them they'd unintentionally tried out all the contingency plans successfully at some point.

My youngest is 11 and the idea anyone would need to put him on the right bus is quite alien - he's very much responsible for getting on the right bus and has been from his first day at secondary (when he was 10 and a half as we're non UK - different school system). The public buses he catches stop at a row of stops in front of a different secondary school 500 meters from his - that school has over a thousand pupils aged 10-18 as does his school (so over 2000 total) and at least 20 buses leave from the bus stops within the 10-15 minutes after school finishes.

tldr: I think children need to be equipped with the skills and contingency plans to deal with these types of situation by age 11.

British children have become increasingly young for their age. I caught the bus myself from the age of 10 but that was 35 years ago. I can't imagine a 6 year old doing it though.

UrsulaPandress · 29/09/2022 20:51

Poor wee boy. I can’t believe anyone is blaming him. Being rushed to the bus and told to get on by an adult. Of course he did as he was told.

WhenDanMetHelen · 29/09/2022 20:52

Highfivemum · 29/09/2022 18:45

had no intention of putting this up for discussion but after call today I am livid and would like some opinions
so my DC summer born started high school beginning of the month. Just 11 so young in year. He catches the coach from our village and has done this since he started. All fine up until yesterday when he was not on the coach when I waited for it after school. Tried his phone and it was turned off. Frantic drive to school with other DC and he was no where to be found. School did not have a clue where he was. Caretaker and head teacher called back into school ( they had both left premises when I got there) they both insisted he got the coach etc as all year 7 were taken to the coach stop at rear of school and escorted on the coach. For info it is a small high school. And only runs 3 coaches to surrounding villages.
Cutting a long story short that seemed like days for me my DC was discovered to be on another coach and was in another village, sitting by the coach stop. We eventually were reunited over 4 hours later.
my DC was distraught. He said his teacher let them out of lessons late and took three Dc to the back of the school and put them all on the same coach. This was the only coach left at school as the others had left. He said no time to collect their phones from the office. This was the wrong coach. When the coach arrived at its final destination my DC who was to upset to say anything got of the coach ,And there he sat till the error was discovered and we collected him.
the school today have said my son was at fault and he should have spoke to the driver and not got off the coach.,,, yes I get that but they have not admitted any mistake with the staff at all.
I am livid. Am I being unreasonable. What would anyone else think/ do. My DH took our DC to school today as they didn’t want to go.

Having done child safeguarding training in the NHS … I can tell you that the school have breached their duty of care - and the Headmaster of the school should now be looking into this error of judgment as a matter of some urgency!

What would have happened if your child had fallen into the hands of - God forbid knows what could have happened - this is a very serious breach of duty of care - take it up with the school governors and if they fob you off - threaten to take it to your MP (Department of Education) hopefully it won’t come to that -

sassytail · 29/09/2022 20:53

This is absolutely the school's fault. I can't believe they blamed an 11 year old child for their mistake. They should acknowledge and apologise but if it happened again your DC would be better off speaking up and telling the coach driver they're on the wrong coach instead of being stranded

butterfly990 · 29/09/2022 20:53

As an aside ( I know he didn't have his phone on him). We live rurally and have issues with phone signal being erratic depending on location. I tell my kids to not just reply on trying to ring me but to also text. This is because the text will eventually send, the phone call may not ring through.

An awful experience for your child and you.