Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

[Suzi69]

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

Exactly this.

The crux is, regardless of whether there's more to it or not, its making you feel uncomfortable and anxious. Rather than making a big deal of it, personally I'd just let the friendship dwindle off. If DH mentions anything just say you've drifted a bit, as occasionally happens throughout life with friendship. I'd say no more about it. Just be "busy" whenever she suggests visiting, I'm sure she'll get the hint eventually, and whilst it's a bit awkward, it will pass and she will just become an old acquaintance.

They both probably enjoy the attention they get from each other but are being very rude, making you feel left out in your own home! Two's company, three's a crowd. Is your reaction to feel a bit miffed and back off, letting them get on with it but in doing so, you kinda encourage them? If this is true, you need to chip in and include yourself, remind them that you're there!

I'd be inclined to let this coming visit happen and see what the vibes are this time around before deciding to cut off your friend forever.

Or tell Dh you are cancelling friends visit and if he says he has to work that day then carry on with friends visit and go out to eat with her. Text to say she has arrived. Then see if he miraculously gets out of work early and arrives at the restaurant.

That will tell you if they are in contact

Go on your gut feeling here and cancel her visit.

It wasn't until I joined Mumsnet that I realised how awful and controlling a very large number of women actually are.

I've never had a particularly high opinion of men (as a group) but I did have high opinion of women - until I found Mumsnet.

I've been better friends with the male Half of a couple. I wasn't interested in him that way, and I don't think he was interested in me, we just got on really well. It's a bit weird but also not guaranteed inappropriate. I'd personally chill out about it but I'm not a jealous person (maybe too lax) but I trust my husband 100%.

I’m not usually one for this type of suspicion but if my DH did this I would certainly be Confused - and there are no ‘massive trust issues’ here.

But if if him meeting up with this hypothetical friend would make you worried then there is, by defintion.

Does she ask you all about your work and details of your trips like she does with him? Or does she only express an interest in what he's been up to?

It wasn't until I joined Mumsnet that I realised how awful and controlling a very large number of women actually are
wait until lots of the husbands you know get to about 45/48 and you have your friends coming to you telling you what their normally lovely dependable husband has been up to and then you’ll get it.

Your most recent update is batshit, OP.

They are close family friends, they haven’t caught up in ages and OBVIOUSLY it is perfectly normal to say sympathetic things to your friend who’s told you about a difficult situation.

That you think only you and his mum should be interested in the details of his life is also really out of whack.

I was initially sympathetic to you, but I think no e you’re insecure, jealous and controlling of two people who have know each other for decades.

The OP has said herself that this woman is seen as more of a family friend rather than just her specific friend. The families have known each other 20 years and have holidayed together, so the spouses will all know each other pretty well.

So her DH is fully entitled to view this woman as a friend of his as well, and to want to catch up with her, imo.

No, don’t confuse a with a ‘massive trust issue’ - and revise your made up definition.

And I agree with PP that the OP's latest update is utterly batshit.

The more you post @Suzi69 the more I think this is a YOU problem not a dh or friend.

I would be eternally grateful if one of my oldest mates wanted to chat to my dp about the things he loves and what he had been up to. As it is I am always apologising for him as he is a miserable git.

What if they just get on?
What if she is making effort for your benefit?
What if she is just genuinely pleased to see him?

And what?
Are all your mates snakes in the grass?
Has he done this before? Has any track history?

I just don't see what they have done wrong? And you may regret being rude and cutting her out. I would just speak to dh.

I agree that the latest post about not adding to the family is a bit odd though.

Red flags cut ties with her by making an excuse and keep an eye on your husband's phone, emails etc this isn't normal behaviour from either of them

I'd still like to know if the friends DH ever comes to visit, surely he's a family friend as well...

OP - don't be gaslit by some of the comments on here saying you are weird etc. Women know. We just know. If it seems weird, then it is. There's all these women who are like: my husband has loads of female friends and I love it blah blah but ultimately you know something has changed, you know it's weird, you know it's making you uncomfortable. Cancel with the friend. Then tell your husband. Gauge his reaction. Then have the conversation if needed. But don't ever ever let anyone say your feelings aren't valid.

But that's what it amounts to with half the posters on here. "I trust my husband but would I let him take a day off to meet a female friend? Nope!"

Sorry, you can't have it both ways.

I think you should feel threatened.

Her conduct was extremely rude and clearly showed a lack of boundaries.

Cancel her visit. It's not convenient. She doesn't actually deserve any justification.

Tell your DH she makes you feel uncomfortable/something has changed within your friendship but you can't put your finger on it (I wouldn't mention she's after him).

Honestly - I can’t see how you think someone doing that is your friend?

I know exactly what you mean. It all sounds fine friendly and platonic but only you can sense their body language
I wouldn't necessarily cancel her visit but I would mention how you feel she oversteps the line before her visit, so you can see if he is less receptive to her flirting( mention to DH)
It's a bit strange he wants to take the day off too
I think dropping contact would be awkward if there are occasions when you cross paths especially as your DC's are friends.

Ironically... All the things you suggest are red flags for controlling behaviour 🤔

“Oh that was so tough for you, I'm so sorry”

You took her saying this ^^ as being too close for comfort? That is not normal, OP. Perhaps she just finds him friendlier and easier to talk to?