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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We don't want my niece to stay with us

501 replies

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 17:16

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 27/09/2022 20:03

I wouldn’t dream of asking my sibling to look after one of my children for at least a year. If they had offered, it’s one thing, but no-I just wouldn’t expect that to be ok.

Cameleongirl · 27/09/2022 20:03

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 19:48

I'm getting the sense that people think my nephew is sick. He's not. He is disabled due to an injury from when he was younger. It probably doesn't make much of a difference, but I thought I should clarify anyway.

So their decision is based on finances ( maintaining two households), rather than both parents really needing to be there. Poor Mary.

Gagaandgag · 27/09/2022 20:03

I feel sorry for Mary. She is the vulnerable one here. What do Mary’s parents say and do when she is speaking over people etc? What is their relationship like with her? Do you feel she is pushed to the side because of her brother

Puppers · 27/09/2022 20:04

just physically disabled

Just? Like it's nothing? You have no idea the extent of his disability.

It does not require two parents and the abandonment of one sibling, and she WILL feel abandoned if both go there and leave her behind for the better part of two years

Again, without knowing the extent of his disability and the demands of the therapy you have absolutely no clue and can't possibly claim to know what it requires. Also Mary has not been abandoned, she has chosen to remain.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 27/09/2022 20:04

Oh hell no!! You can't be expected to turn your own family life upside down like that, this is their problem to sort out. Your brother is being extremely unreasonable. Asking is fine, expecting or demanding is not.

knitnerd90 · 27/09/2022 20:04

It's not really as simple as Mary doesn't "want" to move. Moving to another county for 18 months around GCSE time is horribly impractical. How would she finish her exams? What if the other country isn't English-speaking? How would she integrate into another country's exam system?

It's horrible all round really.

Jedsnewstar · 27/09/2022 20:04

Mary should be with her family presumably his wife has relatives in her home country. She will make new friends. A year or so in a new school could be the making of her.

GoldenGorilla · 27/09/2022 20:05

Gosh. I would (and have) taken in a relative in this kind of situation. She’s not dangerous, a drug user, likely to steal your stuff or assault your kids, she’s just annoying in the way a lot of kids are.

Do you think she could understand and comply with your house rules? Eg not interrupting etc?

Penguinsaregreat · 27/09/2022 20:05

Given the circumstances I agree with you op. Your brother should have worked with his dd to help her learn to stop the annoying behaviour. They both sound very entitled.
Don’t contact your brother let him sort this out.
Don’t feel guilty. This should be a wake up call to your brother about how annoying his child is.

Chocolatefreak · 27/09/2022 20:07

It sounds like your brother wouldn't miss his daughter too much! As others have suggested, if the trial isn't very traumatic and emotionally draining for one parent, why don't they stay one family member per child? ie his wife could go to her country with the son, stay with a family member (since your brother has assumed just family step up whenever, no matter how inconvenient) and he stays at home with his daughter.

Perhaps they've already considered this scenario and he doesn't particularly want to do it, however at 15 she should have a parent with her if at all possible. It's an important year for her academically and socially.

Gagaandgag · 27/09/2022 20:09

I think there are some cruel responses on here. What if Mary is neurodiverse? Please OP come out of your little box and help your niece. The comment about your nephew just being physically disabled and not sick is absolutely heartless

AnyOldThings · 27/09/2022 20:12

No way would I agree to this.

You’re not getting in the way of them doing the trial. Mary could go with them. She just doesn’t want to.

As the rest of your family doesn’t want her to move in either I think you have to respect your own families wishes. Mary can just go with her family afterall.

Craftybodger · 27/09/2022 20:13

You have to prioritise your family. It sounds as if Mary’s presence would really stir up your household. YANBU to say no. Your brother is in a very difficult situation but that’s neither your fault or responsibility.

How would it work age wise? How old are your DC? How close in age etc? Is there anyone who could share care with? Could she come to you Monday evening to Friday morning and spend weekends with other family? Also you have to plan that travel plans could change, for very many reasons, would there be a backup situation if she couldn’t be with your brother’s family in the holidays?

Bentley123 · 27/09/2022 20:13

I would want to help my family out I guess
so would probably agree to it until she finished her GCSES which would be less than a year. It would be so disruptive for her & GCSES are so important. What a predicament for them, may be such an opportunity for their disabled son, yet she loses out educationally. I can actually see why they asked you.

C152 · 27/09/2022 20:13

Well you're between a rock and a hard place here, OP. Whilst part of me thinks we have a duty to help family, your immediate family (husband and son) must come first. If allowing Mary to stay with you would make their lives miserable for over a year, I wouldn't do it.

MelodyPondsMum · 27/09/2022 20:14

It's a big undertaking to bring a new person (even a family member) into your house for a year.
But, I think you could have handled it much better. Your brother is moving country to get treatment for his son. It's a very stressful and difficult time. He didn't need you to list his teen DD's quirks that make her intolerable.
Also, please tell your DCs that you made the decision. When I was younger, my family discussed bringing a relative to stay with us. I was automatically against it because it was a big change. But I always regretted that I'd said no. Don't let your DCs feel responsible for your decision or for the inevitable family fall out that will come from the way you communicated that decision.

Moonlight75 · 27/09/2022 20:15

My reasons would have been that it is a massive responsibility being in charge of another child/especially a teenager; no matter whether they are nice, annoying or not. I would not want to be responsible for someone else child and her parents are mad to consider this. She is only 15 and she has parents who have to think of both children

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 27/09/2022 20:16

YANBU

glassdarker · 27/09/2022 20:17

This sort of thread makes me a bit sad to be honest. It's eighteen months, a chance at a better life for their son and a desire to keep some stability for their daughter at a pivotal time in life. She's annoying and has what appear to be some social quirks (frankly what teenager doesn't) , but maybe staying with relatives will help her find her feet. If we can't make those sort of 'sacrifices' (and frankly I really don't see this as that much if a sacrifice) for family and friends, then what does that say about us and the society we live in ?

TungstenTickler · 27/09/2022 20:20

Puppers · 27/09/2022 20:04

just physically disabled

Just? Like it's nothing? You have no idea the extent of his disability.

It does not require two parents and the abandonment of one sibling, and she WILL feel abandoned if both go there and leave her behind for the better part of two years

Again, without knowing the extent of his disability and the demands of the therapy you have absolutely no clue and can't possibly claim to know what it requires. Also Mary has not been abandoned, she has chosen to remain.

I suspect she might have more idea than you.

BBCK · 27/09/2022 20:21

I have many nieces and nephews, most from a different culture, and a few that have “quirks” but They are my family and I would always have a place for them. I would hate to think that my own aunties and uncles couldn’t bear me.

MaggieFS · 27/09/2022 20:22

Oh it's shit all round, but really, either the parents need to look after one child each and they really need to try and find a way to afford it, or Mary goes with them.

Could they rent out their home to be able to afford two smaller places?

Crazycrazylady · 27/09/2022 20:23

BBCK · 27/09/2022 20:21

I have many nieces and nephews, most from a different culture, and a few that have “quirks” but They are my family and I would always have a place for them. I would hate to think that my own aunties and uncles couldn’t bear me.

This..
I wouldn't want to but Id do it to help my brother.
Your relationship is ruined now anyway though so that ship has sailed .

newfriend05 · 27/09/2022 20:24

glassdarker · 27/09/2022 20:17

This sort of thread makes me a bit sad to be honest. It's eighteen months, a chance at a better life for their son and a desire to keep some stability for their daughter at a pivotal time in life. She's annoying and has what appear to be some social quirks (frankly what teenager doesn't) , but maybe staying with relatives will help her find her feet. If we can't make those sort of 'sacrifices' (and frankly I really don't see this as that much if a sacrifice) for family and friends, then what does that say about us and the society we live in ?

This .. some of the responses have been unbelievable selfish and unkind .. Glad me and my siblings are not like this .. would take care of each other's children in a heartbeat if needed

Runnerduck34 · 27/09/2022 20:24

Such a difficult situation.
If it was short term, until end of school year for example , then I would go out of my way help but do understand its impactful it would be on your family
Do you think your niece may have undiagnosed additional needs? Sometimes poor social skills can be a sign of something else such as autism ( often undetected in girls).
I feel sorry for your niece having your life and schooling disrupted at 15 is awful timing.
Is there anyway they enrol her at an international school so she continue her UK gcses?
Your brother is the one who is disrupting his DDs life and at this age it could cause long term consequences.