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Original poster

We don't want my niece to stay with us

501 replies

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 17:16

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

OP posts:
Spudina · 27/09/2022 19:38

I would take her. I would set down some clear rules first, but I would take her. Travelling abroad for a clinical trial isn’t something people undertake lightly, your brother must be so desperate.

Fauviandelight32 · 27/09/2022 19:38

I’m really shocked at the replies as someone who is not from the UK originally. Trying not to judge as I know it’s cultural but from just taken aback by the attitude that so many of you have where you would not put yourself out to help your family in a time of need. Look out for yourself, put yourself first, they can deal with their own problems. Harsh! I understand in families where there’s bad blood or you don’t really speak but this doesn’t sound like the case here.

Anyway, just privately saying thanks that I’m not in any of your families!

ddl1 · 27/09/2022 19:41

You are not obliged to house her long-term; but please do NOT tell your brother that it's because you don't like her. That could be devastatingly hurtful to her, and to the whole family (who, after all, are dealing with a very sick child). And after all, it's not as though she was a bully or thief or drug dealer, etc; she just has some annoying verbal habits.

If you really feel that it's impossible for you, then just say that it's not possible for your family to have an extra person for 18 months. But don't put it in terms of finding her faults intolerable.

1FootInTheRave · 27/09/2022 19:42

What do your own children think?

It would be hard enough with a kid that your family liked. One that irritates you all to the point of cutting visits short etc would be a nightmare.

Gagaandgag · 27/09/2022 19:43

Fauviandelight32 · 27/09/2022 19:38

I’m really shocked at the replies as someone who is not from the UK originally. Trying not to judge as I know it’s cultural but from just taken aback by the attitude that so many of you have where you would not put yourself out to help your family in a time of need. Look out for yourself, put yourself first, they can deal with their own problems. Harsh! I understand in families where there’s bad blood or you don’t really speak but this doesn’t sound like the case here.

Anyway, just privately saying thanks that I’m not in any of your families!

I agree.

Original poster
canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 19:44

@Snippysocks honestly I probably wouldn't be comfortable leaving either of my children in another country even if they were left with family, so I wouldn't have asked.

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 27/09/2022 19:46

Also - what if she ends up with shit grades? Or even a bit worse than they expected? Would they blame you?

billy1966 · 27/09/2022 19:47

How frequently do you all see each other?

Have you sat down and spoken to your children and perhaps asked how they would feel if it was them?

Is it purely a case of poor parenting that she is precocious and a bit obnoxious?

Could she be reigned in?

A year is a long time if she can't be and everyone is put in the position of having to suck up HER constant rudeness.

Also if they find her so difficult to be around there is every reason to expect there to be fireworks between them.

That would put you in a very difficult position.

Original poster
canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 19:48

I'm getting the sense that people think my nephew is sick. He's not. He is disabled due to an injury from when he was younger. It probably doesn't make much of a difference, but I thought I should clarify anyway.

OP posts:
TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans · 27/09/2022 19:48

She's not your responsibility OP

Genevieva · 27/09/2022 19:50

Even if your niece was delightful, having an extra person in the house always becomes a strain. Especially a teenager. It is like having an extra child when you are already juggling all your own responsibilities.

Madamecastafiore · 27/09/2022 19:50

God I'm with you op. Hate people in my space. That would totally fuck me off having someone around all the time and Jesus, someone who talks all the time, I'd be murderous!

Send him some links to the nearest fee paying boarding schools.

Original poster
canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 19:52

@billy1966

We pretty much just see each other on holidays.

We all talked about it. Definite negative reactions all around.

I have no idea.

Also no idea

OP posts:
Imogensmumma · 27/09/2022 19:52

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 19:48

I'm getting the sense that people think my nephew is sick. He's not. He is disabled due to an injury from when he was younger. It probably doesn't make much of a difference, but I thought I should clarify anyway.

This does change things yes , without knowing all the details can’t your DB wait till Mary’s education is done to do the Medical trials

With this new update I totally agree that Mary is not your responsibility

Butterfly44 · 27/09/2022 19:52

How long for? They are going for a trial which is a finite timeframe with an end point.
You've made your decision so no point posting about it really is there. People have their own family dynamics which aren't yours

glitterfarts · 27/09/2022 19:54

He can get a 1 bed flat and sleep on the lounge to give his DD space to study and sleep. Fly out every holidays to be with wife and DS.
It's not just 18 months of school. It's exams, looking for college, college applications, dealing with general teenage angst re body/looks/relationships/friendships/bullying/online stuff.

My marriage and kids wouldn't cope with this at all.
18 months is a LONG time.

Original poster
canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 19:54

@Imogensmumma the trial won't wait for them.

OP posts:
newfriend05 · 27/09/2022 19:54

Your brother needs help ,his son is obviously very ill , she's 15 let her finish her GCSEs with her friends .. School terms are only six weeks each and then you have a break .. it will only be to may ..

Doingprettywellthanks · 27/09/2022 19:55

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 19:48

I'm getting the sense that people think my nephew is sick. He's not. He is disabled due to an injury from when he was younger. It probably doesn't make much of a difference, but I thought I should clarify anyway.

It makes no difference whatsoever

in my mind, my bro come to me with this? I’d be planning how to make her feel at home and welcome asap before he’d even finished his sentence

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/09/2022 19:55

Nah, if it was for a month or so whilst they set up a parent and her brother over there, and then they can alternate which parent is with brother, which is at home with Mary... I might... though I'd be immediately in with the 'in our home we don't do xyz' and I'd bring her up sharp every time she does the annoying rude things... (But thats me and if you simply do not want to, then thats fair enough!)

This is not life saving stuff for a horribly sick kid, this is possibly life-easing stuff for someone who is otherwise well, just physically disabled.

It does not require two parents and the abandonment of one sibling, and she WILL feel abandoned if both go there and leave her behind for the better part of two years.

If they can't afford to look after both children and do this.. then they can't afford to do it.

Porcupineintherough · 27/09/2022 19:56

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 19:48

I'm getting the sense that people think my nephew is sick. He's not. He is disabled due to an injury from when he was younger. It probably doesn't make much of a difference, but I thought I should clarify anyway.

Oh well if it's just a disability then that's totally different Hmm

Puppers · 27/09/2022 19:57

I would do this for my brother and his family.

Whilst your nephew is not sick, they are obviously hoping that this trial will have a significant impact on his quality of life. You don’t uproot a family and move abroad for 18 months otherwise.

I love my brother and would absolutely do this to help and support him and his kids. If you don’t have that kind of relationship with your brother and his family then I guess it’s different. Perhaps he previously viewed the relationship differently to you and is hurt to discover you don’t feel the same, hence his sarcasm.

AloysiusBear · 27/09/2022 19:59

This is a tricky one. In my family it would be completely unthinkable to say no, I love my nieces and nephews. But then we are the sort of family where we all would have worked to correct those annoying behaviours, just as we would have if our own DC were behaving like that, so its hard to imagine one of them getting to 15 and that sort of socially unacceptable behaviour being continually tolerated.

AloysiusBear · 27/09/2022 20:02

in my mind, my bro come to me with this? I’d be planning how to make her feel at home and welcome asap

Me too. I could never watch one of "our" kids be farmed out to a friend or whatever. Any of them has a home with me if they need it. Not to mention my own kids would never forgive me if there was an opportunity to have one of their cousins move in and I refused. Grin

BasiliskStare · 27/09/2022 20:02

If this were time dependent and they have to go now I would probably take my niece in - would not like it I find visitors / houseguests a little stressful after too long. & the rule would be she abides by house rules & I would tell DCs the same - but as others have said it would be until GCSEs finished and then a different plan. I took my brother in once , a friend of DS's and also my niece ( but she is only for days or a week not longer. ) If they were able to take her brother later , then they could think about that.

But if it will utterly disrupt your family then I agree a very serious talk with your brother.