We don't want my niece to stay with us

[canthandleniece]

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

All the people saying they would do this aren’t you OP.
They don’t know the dynamic here and it’s very easy to say you would certainly do something when nobody is asking you to.
I don’t blame you for not doing it

Is Mary being annoying linked to her brother's illness at all?

It really ia a shame that there are no relatives there for the mum & son to stay with.

How are they planning to live/work there?

I can see why they want to do it, but really feel for Mary.

@Runnerduck34

A few people here have mentioned that being a possibility. I haven't really thought about it before.

I don't know what her other schooling options are.

It’s a massive ask @canthandleniece . To take on a NT teen is a huge change. To take on a ND teen even more so.

I appreciate your DBro can’t afford to run two houses. However what about selling his house and getting two smaller places. Or renting his house out and using the funds to pay for renting two flats. An air b and b would do a longer rent too.

I think it’s nasty of him to be sarcastic like he was. He is clearly projecting his own guilt about leaving his dd but that does not make it right.

I think the solution is one parent with one child even if they’re living in rented bedsits.

it’s not fair on your niece but it’s not fair on your chn either to have their home invaded by a cousin they can’t stand. Family is important but no niece or nephew of mine trumps my children in a situation like this.

@diddl

I don't know, but she has been this way for a long time.

My brothers job is online so he says he's going to continue doing that there while his wife gets a job. I don't know much more about the details.

Oh, this is a tough one. My initial thought was that you should lump it….until I saw it was for 18 months. That’s a long time. And the “we just can’t stand her” conversation isn’t going to be easier to have once she’s moved in with you. Ultimately, I think you have to put your own family first….but I think you have to accept that your brother won’t see you in the same light again. Shit position for you to be put in, OP.

@Orchidflower1 my brother doesn't own a house.

Lots of people jumping on here to judge the OP and to brag about how they would definitely step in and host the unlikeable niece! Few criticising how apparently easy it is for the brother to expect his sister to drop everything. Where's the compromise for him and his wife? Obviously, a parent needs to be with the son, but logically, since the treatment is in his wife's family's country, she should stay there with a member of HER family with her son. The brother should suck it up and stay here with his annoying daughter, whether that's his personal preference or not.

He has two children with needs, not only one. This is critical timing for his daughter too, and messing up this period of her life could have long term consequences.

Can't believe how many saints are on here tonight!😂

He needs to realise quite how much he’s asking of you and to get a grip on himself.

“Sister, can you house and parent my teenage daughter for the next three years, please?”

YANBU.

I couldn't take my nephew in. He also wouldn't fit my household (he's rude and demanding). If he was orphaned, I guess I would (reluctantly to be honest but I wouldn't see him in care) but I certainly wouldn't in those circumstances. Mary can either move or one of the parents have to stay back. She's only 15, they can still decide for her.

It would be different if you all got along but you will feel resentful immediately which won't be good for any of you.

Do you feel your brother would so the same for you? It's easy for him to call you a bad aunt, but I doubt, in the same situation, your brother would take your annoying teen in.

And you do?

You are aware physical disability covers quite a range of conditions, problems, mobility restrictions etc...

My point was, theres a significant difference between 'sick, dying of it, big deal attempt to save/prolong life' and 'marginal improvement to quality of life'.

But you're right, we have no idea the extent of his disability, how old he is, how much care he requires from his parents, what the trial might do for him, how much it might change, what the risks are etc etc.

And of course, Mary, a 15 year old, has made a decision so she's fine, teenagers been well known for making good decisions they're absolutely fine with having thought out every single possible outcome...

I wonder why he bothered asking you if he wasnt going to accept you saying "No it doesnt work for me and my family"?

He should have just TOLD you that you are having her - as he only would have accepted a Yes answer.

And all those PPs saying "I would have said yes before my brother had even finished the sentence", how sad that you would put another person (blood relative or not) ahead of your own children's feelings. Poor show.

OP - YANBU at all. Your brother and SiL are by not accepting you have the choice, and said No.

YANBU.

I wouldn't either. Not because of annoying habits but purely for the fact I wouldn't want to be responsible for someone else's child for at least a year. If I wanted more children I'd of had more children.

I'd do it. I'd see it as an opportunity to help Mary with her personality issues, so she doesn't grow up with people avoiding her, like you are. Also, her brother is ill and they are trying to help him.

Is there any way you and your DH, DB and SIL with your niece can all sit down together. She could maybe agree to go to therapy for the duration of her stay or at least be involved in the discussion about what she could do to stop interrupting, for example. I do think it's a bit harsh to just reject her out of hand. Perhaps she'll behave differently when staying with you and your family's different rules.

This time in her life she needs stability so she can take her GCSEs.

This is a good question - if her brother (understandably) takes up a lot of her parents’ attention, she may be a bit demanding as a result. It’s possible that she would settle in with you and things would get easier. But it’s still up to you if you want to do it.

I really feel for everyone involved. There is no right answer.

If I was you, I would take her. I know it’s far from ideal but, I have always felt
that looking after my family when they are in need is a priority. Yes, your close family come first but they are not exactly in
harms here because she annoys them.

I feel quite sorry for Mary, being 15 isn’t easy as it is but having a disabled brother (who probably takes up a lot of their parents time and attention) and having to leave the country or be separated from
parents, must be very difficult to face. She is just a kid after all. A lot of them are annoying.

I would easily take in my niece or nephew without much thought but that's because they are both extremely easy to have around, in fact I think I'd like having them.

However even in this situation it would be a major adjustment for our household and one that would need work and care.

No way would I consider this if they were difficult people to be around. That's not your fault OP. The parents really should have taken a bit more care to teach her socially acceptable behaviours. They also shouldn't have put you in this position.

My god that’s a big ask. Really out of order him getting angry at you for not complying. Agree with the posters saying the brother stays put mum and son go overseas. That’s a big chunk of your own childrens childhood to potentially invite discord into your house. Shame she’s not easy going my similar aged teens spend a lot of time in their rooms and can be quite good company but this one sounds challenging.

Nephew. Read the first paragraph in the OP.

It’s not cultural. I’m British since year dot. Family was here before the Romans. And I’d take a niece or nephew in under the same circumstances. These posters attitudes are their own, it’s nothing to do with British culture.

Reminds me of Julia from Mother Carey’s Chickens/Summer Magic (1963) film. They take in the cousin even though she is annoying as they are family and she needs them. But a heartwarming film/book isn’t real life - still I think I’ve been influenced by it a lot and would try to deal with it with established boundaries

It’s her parents who are turning her life upside down, as her dad put it.
One of them should stay.
Taking on a niece : nephew full time is a big thing and will impact on your own family dynamics. I wouldn’t be that keen on taking on a niece or nephew- especially if they have two parents, and I didn’t really have a good relationship with them.

She sounds annoying in a teenagery kind of way. That doesn't mean she needs therapy, and I imagine that she and her parents would be very upset if someone suggested that.