We don't want my niece to stay with us

[canthandleniece]

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

I would have felt extremely betrayed if my mother moved a teenager I didn't like into my home 24/7.

If she was going to be made actually homeless, it would be a different matter, but she just doesn't want to move abroad.

I'd do this for my nephews and nieces, including the one with ADHD who is a lot like Mary. I can imagine being in the position where I need to move abroad to help one child, but can't move the other child, who sounds like they maybe neurodiverse, in the middle of their GCSEs. I imagine your brother is feeling pretty desperate and sad and doesn't know what to do. I'd negotiate a lot with Mary first (who presumably wants to stay) and would agree timescales and ground rules (if she starts staying out all night, drugs etc. she'll be straight off abroad to join the rest of the family with no second chance) but I would do it. It sounds like you lack compassion to me and handled the conversation with your brother very badly - your reasoning essentially been that his daughter is annoying.

I would tolerate an annoying teen to help out my brother with a very sick child.

This is how I feel but not all families are the same. Thank God I'm from one that pulls together.

Wow, good for you both.
Not all families are close. Not all families want to take on the burden of raising each others teenage daughters, no matter what is happening because they have their own lives and probably aren't as close as people want.
I'm pleased you would open your doors to whoever needed it. That's great, but wrap you brain around the fact it's not like that for everyone!

Looking at your description of Mary, it appears that she is an intelligent, confident and capable young woman. The sort of young woman many on this site would love to see more of. Your objections appear to consist of not believing that young people approaching adulthood should have opinions or express them. I think it would be a huge mistake for her to stay with you. She needs to be in an environment and with people who value and encourage her to be all that she can be. That is clearly not you.

Same. I would suck it up and shut up. It’s 18 months, not for life. What a gift to give your brother.

Sorry @Cameleongirl I missed the bit about 18 months but it does mention hols in the OP.

I'd offer till end of GCSEs and review. This isn't about a long time home, but about seeing out the crucial bit of secondary education that will mean that she still has options in the UK. Otherwise her education is railroaded and the child has probably already to take a back seat with a seriously ill sibling.

Why can't one parent stay with their daughter? Why did the brother just assume his sister would shoulder the burden?

I'd give it a go with boundaries laid out up front.
If it doesn't work out then one parent needs to come home . That needs to be made very clear and the daughter needs to be involved in that discussion.

I agree with this too. I would set out expectations very clearly

1. you will review things after she has stayed a month and decide then if staying the whole year is workable or not. if the dynamics are too difficult it’s a no.

2. there is to be no interrupting people and correcting them. This is a strict rule and not up for discussion. She may need a reminder initially.

3. cooking/cleaning/bedtime rules

OP has already said they can't afford to maintain two homes so your first option isn't possible.
She wants to stay at her school with her friends, how does going to a boarding school help with that?
It isn't just what she wants, by her age she is likely half way through her GCSEs which is a terrible time to move her.

I would take her in. I know it is out of step with others, but she is family and a child in need. If something happened to my brothers, I would take all the children in a heartbeat. I would work on modifying her behaviour, but I could not say no to this.

It is a big ask but I would.

You can tell your brother that it would not be good for Mary to live in a house where everyone finds her annoying.

I would have felt extremely betrayed if my mother moved a teenager I didn't like into my home 24/7.

So would I.

I also have only had one child because I know I can only cope with parenting one.

And 15 is dreadful. This was the age I got my first serious boyfriend and it was a bit rocky at home with boundaries for a while.

OP, what a difficult situation for you.

Your brother sounds very pushy and shouldn't be surprised he doesn't like the answer when he has to push so hard.

I think it would be very hard to impose her on your family for so long when you all are united in not wanting her there.

It is very unfortunate that she doesn't want to go with her family but I don't think she has a choice.

If your family were ambivalent I would definitely encourage you to consider it, I know I would want to help.

But to have such a strong reaction from your whole family makes me think it simply wouldn't work out for such an extended period of time.

6 weeks you might just suck up, 18 months is a long time.

A difficult one OP. Good luck.

Poor Mary.

Mary needs to stay with someone who will support her. The reason she is the way she is may be because her parents are always busy with her brother? Maybe she has learnt to fight for attention? Behaviour and ‘quirks’ don’t just come from nowhere - behaviour is communication. Maybe she would be different if she were on her own and you welcomed her with love and open arms. Maybe if she felt loved and valued by you then she would calm down, settle down and mature. 15 is a tricky age for children and you could play a vital role in supporting her in this challenging time

If it was me I would consider it, it’s short term and it could really build family relationships

Such a nice thing to say to a man who is struggling with a sick child, who has a teenager who is going to potentially have her education messed up and is presumably coping with trying to find work in another country.

If you were in your brother's shoes and he was in yours, what would you want him to do?
Me? I'd at least offer a trial period and see how it goes.

It is your brother who should talk to her daughter about boundaries and behaviour, not you. And it is him who must warn her that at the first signs that your family struggles to have her, she would move with her mum and dad. You explained your position, it is his turn to make a decision what to do now.

I suspect she may well be like this because she feels a bit uncared for in her own family with the focus being on her ill brother.
She may well have been forced to end up taking some responsibility and being treated as an adult because she has to give up things for her brother.
I've seen the situation where both parents have been totally focussed on one seriously ill child and the other child (ren) have clearly suffered quite badly, but are expected not to complain because their sibling has it worse. They have a lot of hurt that they cannot express.

My sympathy is with her.
But my concerns are that having both parents leaving her may trigger worse behaviour in her.

I think the best thing for the whole family would be dad staying with her.

I agree, I can’t imagine saying no in that kind of situation where it sounds as if a sick child is the reason for the move. It’s very sad and disheartening to read this.

You were very brave to say no, not many people would. I think you have to put your family first, the same as he should do. If they can't split countries/parenting, and you can't do it, then she has to go with them. Its a horrible situation all round but better to be truthful from the start.