We don't want my niece to stay with us

[canthandleniece]

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

@MarianneOnAMotorcycle not that I know of

Also agree with a pp that an alternative would be to offer to look on her to check she's well/coping (in a situation where she boards etc)

I am a little shocked that some posters think how ill the brother is matters. He has a condition and a possible means to alleviate/ manage it better.

A bit of a heartbreaking situation.

How very sad that your own brother and own niece need your help and support and you won’t give it as you find her “annoying”. If my children had that much of a lack of regard for their own siblings and family I would be so disappointed in them. I hope your niece doesn’t have to tolerate living with such unkind people and that your brother finds a suitable boarding school option.
you should think about how unkind you are and learn from that…

Could you re-read... I didn't say 'just' physically disabled...

this is possibly life-easing stuff for someone who is otherwise well, just physically disabled.

The OP gives NO indication that this is going to guarantee or even give a strong chance of a significant improvement in quality of life, mobility, independence etc.

It could well be that this is a tiny chance, that they're paying heavily for, that in reality will make no odds whatsoever except perhaps assuage their guilt over whatever (parents of disabled children often have enormous guilt, often for no actual reason at all).

Siblings of disabled children often suffer hugely as a result of parents throwing everything they have at the disabled child, with nothing left for the other one.

There seem to be a lot of people confusing disability with 'severely ill' 'sick' 'unwell' - it is possible to be disabled and very healthy. And it is possible to be disabled & chronically ill/have very fragile health.

Unless the OP is willing to explain further detail, as to how useful this trial will be, what difference it will make, what the chances are that her nephew will even be receiving the treatment and won't be part of a control group (can you imagine being 15 and finding out your parents left you for 18 months, and your brother ended up just being in the control group and never got the treatment at all?!) - if he is, what are the chances it will actually do anything... we really can't say how reasonable or unreasonable it is.

Taking on a teenager at that particular life stage is not something anyone ought to do lightly, even if that teenager is well known and liked.

Your niece sounds like my DD13. She has ADHD and is a lot better when she is on medication.

Honestly I'd make an intervention and perhaps consider it if they get her assessment done but I don't think they should be uprooting her anyway!

They are headed for massive sibling rivalry and resentment if they do.

So, you have a nephew with what sounds like could be a life limiting illness, so severe the parents are willing to uproot their entire lives and shift the family overseas in the hope of treatment.

You have a niece, with some mildly annoying traits, you have refused to take in for a year, despite you having a spare room and it being a really important school year for her.

Granted, this is a big ask, but its not like they are going back packing ffs. They must be stressed out of their minds.

Sometimes families ask big things of eachother in times of crisis, it sort of comes with the territory.

You are totally entitled to say no, but i think this says more about who you are than who Mary is.

If you are god parents or named guardians for these kids, i think you should probably rescind that as well, as clearly you are not prepared to take these kids in should the worst happen.

You also never know whats around the corner in your own life and what goes around comes around.

But annoying people are annoying. Why haven’t her parents attempted to do anything about it? It’s unkind for Mary’s parents to let her behave in a way that will mean she is personally affected in her own life. Quite happy to leave her, it seems.

I’d personally take her, 15 year olds can mostly take care of themselves, she goes to the same school, she’ll be out a lot more than say if they left a 3 year old with you.
I’d also just say when she’s being annoying, otherwise she’s in for a world of hurt when she joins the real world.

People with adhd don't get social cue's. No matter how many times you remind them they go and do it again. My brother has a thing about pointing at people. No matter how many times you tell him it's rude he does it again and again.

Is there some sort of an epidemic of ADHD? I swear this is mentioned on pretty much every thread these days.

Could you and the rest of the family afford to help your DB financially to stay in this country with DN? SIL and disabled child then move abroad temporarily.

Your mistake was not coming up with a proper excuse and resorting to the truth. The truth that his dd is annoying and none of your family care bare to be around her was always going to sting and make him feel defensive. They need your support and this will likely affect your relationship. It's a tough one because you should always put your own family first and if your partner isn't on board then for me it is a no. The flip side is that you could have probably changed her behaviour and shut down the annoying part of it which to be fair isn't out of the ordinary. I cringe when I look back at my teen years, I was the definition of a know it all but with no life experience.

My mum was put in a similar situation by her brother only it was whether his dd could spend 4 years living with them for university. My dad and mum said no as they didn't want to take responsibility for her and they didn't think she would be able to 'fit in' to their household due to vastly different parenting styles and her essentially being an adult, plus no spare room. Her brother did initially take offence but then got over it but his wife still won't speak or engage with my mum.

People are assuming that the treatment for the brother is necessary and life changing.
It might not be.
I heard a talk from a very highly respected doctor who was talking from experience how parents do not always make the right decisions for their child. he said especially after an accident (which I think the OP said it was) parents often want to do anything to make it better, to restore it as close to normal as they can make it. But sometimes that isn't actually the best thing for the child. They want to put the child through numerous painful medical procedures, often with very little change of working.
He was that child. He went through many painful operations and treatments and when he was 18yo he was finally able to make the choice. He chose to do something that made him look less "normal" but gave him more functionality. His parents were desperately upset.
He says now in the UK, doctors should make sure that any procedure is going to have a good chance of being beneficial to the child and the child, when old enough, is also on board.
It may well be that the reason they're going abroad is because the treatment isn't available in this country because it doesn't have a good enough chance of working, so won't get ethical approval. It may even be that there have been trials in this county which have concluded it doesn't work except in very rare cases. The UK doctor I heard talk said that some parents would be prepared to take on treatment that had very low chances of success because of the chance of that child being the 1 in 100 that made a minor improvement.
We've all heard of some of the places in America that promise the earth for money, with cancer treatments that don't seem to work. I'm sure there are places in other parts of the world, and for other treatments.

Lots of people calling the OP selfish. Actually I'd say the selfish ones here are Mary's parents. They are the ones who are abandoning her when they do have an option-two parents.

OP, there's lots of people here who are saying you're selfish and they'd do it in a flash. I'm sure they'll all be prepared to give your niece a home for 18 months. So they can all send you a PM and you can give your brother lots of options where your niece can stay.
I'd be interested to know how many offers you get.
It's very easy to be generous with other people's time and money.

You need to do what's best for your family. You are not turning your nieces life upside down, her parents are.

@MargaretThursday that post is ridiculous - of course posters aren't going to say that a total stranger's child can live with them. What they are saying is that if this was their niece, they would house her temporarily.
Questioning the treatment and saying it might not work, that the parents are being cruel/selfish to try, is just scrabbling around to make it seem like the right thing for the OP to refuse help.

No one wants to leave their teen behind while they try to help their other child - it's just really unfortunate that both his dc have important needs at the same time and he has to pick one. He was just hoping his sister would help him out.

That is quite an imagination you have

YANBU to refuse to take in another child, regardless of the reason, whether she is related to you or not. Either she needs to go overseas with the rest of the family, or your brother needs to make other arrangements. It is not up to you to fix their problems. It's fine for him to ask, but he needs to respect that the answer is no and he shouldn't be demanding that you justify your decision.

I would definitely do it for the rest of her GCSE year. (revisit next summer, if the trial isn't working they should know by then and may come home). She needs kindness and support, it sounds like her brother due to the disability is probably the child who gets more focus from his parents. If she doesn't have ADHD her behaviour may be that she is trying to seek some attention. GCSE year is stressful for teens and another school would not be doing the same boards or covering the same topics so it's either staying with you or another family close to her current school. Naturally your brother hopes his family would step up an offer support.

My BF’s two nieces came from China and went to state boarding here and spent holidays with my friend. They built a lodge that doubled as a guest room for when they had family to stay, bathroom, kitchenette etc (not a shed!). One of the nieces moved to a day school locally and was living with my friend but then caught COVID and moved into the lodge to isolate from the others and loved it so much she asked if she could stay in there. It took the pressure off my DF’s children, they had their home back a little and the niece loved it as who wouldn’t love their own guest suite! She is a very clever girl who works hard and appreciated the quiet to study. She still ate most meals with the family and my DF ferried her around as she does with her own children. I know she’s a year older but it seemed like a good compromise to me, but apparently I must be joking, it’s a terrible idea 🤷‍♀️.

Lots of people calling the OP selfish. Actually I'd say the selfish ones here are Mary's parents. They are the ones who are abandoning her when they do have an option-two parents.

OP, there's lots of people here who are saying you're selfish and they'd do it in a flash. I'm sure they'll all be prepared to give your niece a home for 18 months. So they can all send you a PM and you can give your brother lots of options where your niece can stay.
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I'd be interested to know how many offers you get.
It's very easy to be generous with other people's time and money.

This

Horrible to read all these posts saying that the OP's family SHOULD come first. As though she has a moral duty to put her family finding a teenager annoying before the massive problems her brother's family are facing.
This attitude is one of the reasons this country is as fucked as it is. Rampant individualism. Me Me Me culture.
OP could well lose her (wider) family over this. And she will certainly never be able to ask them for help, if anything goes wrong in her family's presumably golden life.

This girl ate her meals alone or with the family?

Looking at your description of Mary, it appears that she is an intelligent, confident and capable young woman.

If she's as confident and capable as all that, she could handle a move overseas.

And it's not 'confident' or 'intelligent' to constantly talk at people and correct/argue with them all the time. It's rude and selfish.

Ah i see”most of the meals”

and what about the other niece?

The adults should be in charge here, not the niece. The mother should go with her son, the father should stay with Mary.It makes me wonder whether they don't want Mary to come with them...