We don't want my niece to stay with us

[canthandleniece]

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

I'm not convinced that a high stakes move with her parents out of the country is the best time to start finding ways to work with any ND symptoms.

I'm not convinced she's ND. She may just have a nose very seriously out of joint due to having her needs and wants constantly put second to her brother's. For clarity - not his fault. But not hers either.

I think you are being a bit mean it’s your brothers little girl ! And considering why they are having to move

maybe you could get her to come round to your families ways of doing things since she would be living under your roof, maybe she’s more nervous around you and your family and feels you don’t like her. She’s only 15 give her a chance

It might be very positive for OPs children. Sometimes it is good to realise you can help people, they have one cousin who is disabled and his life might be greatly improved and they have another cousin who is going to have her education disrupted if she has to move abroad. All the have to do is cope with her being annoying for a year with alot of time off for school holidays.

It could also be detrimental to them. OP knows her child/children better than anyone, and undoubtedly she’ll have considered them before she said no.

The saddest part is that it is quite probable that Mary behaves in this ‚annoying‘ way precisely to compensate for her being low on her family‘s priority list (for reasons I understand, obviously her brother‘s Health issue will consume the parent‘s attention). And now for this very reason the wider family shuts the door on her, when what she‘d need most is not feeling like the third wheel for once.
Life has really dealt this girl some shitty cards.

First off, yes I’m sure that will go down well

This is a really nasty personal attack on OP, you are extremely unpleasant and I hope that it’s not detrimental to anyone who lives with someone like you

You feel better for coughing that nasty bit of bile up?

At the end of the day OP, your guiding principle should be: if you were in your brother's situation what would you want "you" to do?
That applies to most any situation.

You've already altered how long your VISITS are because of her behavior. Sometimes people are just unlikeable. I wonder if anyone has ever pointed out to her that the way she acts is so off-putting. I would suggest maybe exposure to a different family dynamic might be helpful, but that's A LOT to ask of you, especially as this seems to be fairly long term. And if you try & then reject her because she doesn't change the fallout would be terrible. I feel bad for her & I think someone needs to try to help her become more socially adept but her living with you is too drastic a first step. You're brothers' annoyance is understandable, no one wants to know their child's own family doesnt like them. But this is clearly his issue to solve. If Mary is so reticent to leave because of all her friends maybe one of their families can take her in? Then you can invite her over periodically & maybe work on altering those behaviors that make her so annoying, a little at a time. It might not work but it's worth a try.

Arguably her guiding principle should be what’s the best for the family she’s made, in their own home.

I don't think it's reasonable for a friend's family to take her in - the adults in that situation don't have any bonds between them, kids do fall out and I'd think that's a much less stable situation than her aunt looking after her.

I agree. There’s a huge difference between asking her to help
our in an emergency - or even step in for a couple of weeks - and basically asking her to assume parental responsibility for another child. The latter affects the whole family. Significantly.

She sounds like she is on the spectrum. Which makes changes hell for many, and I get why she likes her routines. But moving with you would also disrupt her life, and yours. Your brother is priositising one child over another who also clearly needs a lot of support.

I'm surprised that her father is planning to work abroad in the same job. Often this isn't possible legally.

Hold your ground. My son had a friend like this and even an afternoon of them in another room exhausted me! Don’t do it. Mary will have to get over it!!

Totally agree.

God I am equally shocked and impressed that you were up front and honest about the reason being that Mary is too annoying 😂

PearlLennox it is truly remarkable. And, ironically, while it is probably OPs genuine belief that the problem, why it wouldn‘t work, boils down to Mary being annoying, I very much doubt that this is the actual reason.
Beam in one‘s own eye and all comes to mind.

Was the friend a nephew?
did the friend also have a sibling requiring treatment for a disability?

How about a trial run? While parents are still here and plans can be changed. No obligations, just a suggestion.

Reason: if the behavior is indeed learned as a means of getting attention vs if she's quiet just gets ignored, it might be trainable.

Most people can fake it for a few days, but run the trial for 'up to' a month and you'd have your answer. Probably much faster!

MORE DETAIL

Sit Mary down and explain clearly what the problem behavior is with clear examples, what the consequences will be of doing it, and what the expected means of getting attention positively are. Always address the 'behavior' and 'expectation' never say 'you' or 'you are'. The more exact you are int he description the better.

You'd also need to be very clear that her ability to stay with you hinged on this expectation; she is not entitled to it and willneed to earn her place AND pull her weight in the household to whatever level your kids do. And: no running to parents for complaints and drama. If you hear from the parents complaining then that's a reason to call it quits. Again, needs to be very very clear to her if/then.

Clearly give 'breaks' for her falling back into the habit when she does at first. Mary that's your second 'well actually', take a 10min break in your room please etc. Cut her off from attention if she acts up: never react to her teen provocation. Unfortunately many people do, so might be an ingrained habit which shed need brought to her conscious awareness.

Equally clearly explain how to gain attention e.g. in this household we offer to play board games/do chores together/share what we did at school or whatever and then follow up with the positive attention when she does.

Thus you establish a totally different attention reward system. I suspect you'd find out pretty quickly if this was workable or not. Again no obligation. Best of luck in a difficult situation OP.

It's the universal principle, i.e.,"do unto others…". If we all applied this to all situations what a better world this would be.

‘Do unto others’ - maybe the brother can do unto his daughter by making alternative arrangements, and do unto his sister by not trying to make her responsible for said daughter.

Anyway, I’m sure OP will abide by that by not attempting to palm off her own kids.

That doesn’t really make sense!