We don't want my niece to stay with us

[canthandleniece]

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

And she'll be living in a foreign country, maybe going to school in a different language, miles behind all the other children, with no friends, and family life revolving around likely distressing medical treatment of her brother.

You may have to tell your brother, as kindly as possible, that having one person's life turned upside down for a short time (she'll make new friends, she's at that age) is less a problem than turning an entire family's lives upside down.

As OP's family resent her so much, perhaps they could explore some options like Mary spending a weekend every fortnight at a friend's house (if there are no relatives nearby). Mary and her parents might be able to organise that.

Mary is not being left homeless - she could move abroad with her parents and brother. She just doesn't want to.

OP, although you have some obligations towards Mary by virtue of blood, you also have obligations towards your husband and your own kids. You have to love your own kids, no matter how annoying they are - you don't have to have the same tolerance for other people's children, even if they are closely related to you.

Yes, if Mary moves, there will be disruption for her, and that's a shame. Sometimes you're just dealt a shitty hand in life. Could be worse - she could be in her brother's position. He may not want to move either, but given where the trial is located, his options are limited.

If Mary moves in with you, honestly, what impact will there be on the quality of your own little family's lives? What makes Mary more important?

If you don't especially like Mary, and you're related to her, I bet she drives your husband mad, and the tensions of taking her in could put a real strain on your marriage, which would be very bad for your own children. I would be mindful of that - I wouldn't risk a happy marriage to the father of my children to make a niece's life slightly easier. I'd risk it if she was in genuine need (e.g. if her parents had passed away or were unfit to look after her), but not in these circumstances.

I can see why he'd want it so she's happy but that's his job, not yours.

You have to put YOUR family first and if her being there keeps her happy but makes your kids miserable then that's just not fair!

If family life is turned upside down by one apparently pretty inoffensive (although annoying) teenager, it's a pretty weak and unimpressive family unit, frankly. And 15 isn't a great age to change schools and make new friends - younger or older is better.

Oh, and now having a well-meaning but irritating teenager to stay for a year (less 13 weeks' school holidays) will mean the end of OP's marriage and terrible psychological damage to her children, apparently.

I really fear for OP's children when they leave home at 18 - they don't seem to be terribly resilient, do they? Nor does her husband.

it is a big ask but I can’t imagine the idea my nephew going to live with a friend or foster carer when I’m well and alive but we are close so probably it makes the main difference. I know my DH would also never say no but it’s just our family situation.
I don’t feel that OP is close to her brother and it seems that they see each other often but it’s not because they want to see each other, it’s just not too difficult due to their location.
It’s a pity that Mary is in this situation. She is actually right when she doesn’t want to go. It’s a sensible position. But having someone you don’t love in your house is difficult.
I think OP it will affect your relationship with your brother forever but I somehow suspect that you won’t be too upset. It’s not like you were counting on him anyway.

It's sounds like your brother sees an opportunity to offload annoying Mary onto you. Make sure you get a forwarding address.

I can’t think of anything worse than having a 15yo you don’t like much in your home on a long term basis. Whether or not it is reasonable to not like her is irrelevant. Your brother is pissed because the convenient (for them) option isn’t a goer but you are not unreasonable to say it doesn’t work for your family.

I have only read one page of the thread, but I have a feeling I am going to go against the grain here.

Needing to move to another country for a child to have experimental nerve regeneration therapy means that this child has a very serious condition indeed. Might he die from it or have a severely curtailed length or quality of life without it?
The only real choices here that your brother has are both not at all good (leave the elder child with you, with all that entails for her, and the rest of his family, and for your family, if you were to be willing, or split his family and not have both parents present for the clinical trial to support both that child and each other). Additionally, boarding school or running two families may not be affordable, paying you an allowance to cover her expenses will be much cheaper.

Unless you have dripfed later, the way you describe the 15 year old doesn't sound outside the bounds of normal to me, and I've raised teenagers. And while it might be bad for your children in one way to have her around in term time, in other ways they might benefit from learning to get along with someone who is hard to live with, a vauable life skill for housesharing later on! I do understand this would be very annoying and a major upheavel for your family though.

So in your situation I would be most likely to take on my niece to give her a home while her brother had his treatment.

I'm sure all of you claiming you'd help anyone, anytime would... while it's only a made up scenario.... in real life it would be a very different story.

Well, no, actually in our family we do help each other out in big ways from time to time and sometimes for extended periods of time, especially when someone is ill or has a disability... so... um....

(And our family dynamic is by no means perfect. But "being annoying" isn't usually a criterion against, in serious circumstances.) So, some of us do mean it, yes.

Of course, the only true test of resilience is putting up with an unwelcome house guest for a year and a half, and must be undertaken to prove to internet strangers the strength and worthiness of the family unit.

As touching as your concern is, I’m sure they’ll be fine.

A difficult situation.
Personally, I don‘t think that the girl being somewhat annoying is a good enough reason not to help out, if your family is in a good place. It is for a year and not forever, after all and there don‘t seem to be great alternatives in this dire situation.
That said, there can be family dynamics or issues in a family, where such a change is simply too much and you already know it would be hell for everyone. In that case, it is reasonable to object. It is just not quite fair then to make that decision all about how annoying the girl is.

So many saints in here today.

you can love your family and still not want to live with them or be responsible for them.

hell would freeze over before I would take in anyone else’s 15 year old. My own sent my mental health into a downward spiral at that age, I didn’t sleep for a year.

if DH invited a 15 year old to live with us for 18 months and I had no say in it I would move out.

Could she do a trial staying at your house?

Your nieces quirks sound very much like my child. The incessant talking, interrupting conversations, continuous questions, pedantry, lack of impulse control. He has adhd.

for me I’d take in a young family member. Sure I’d get sick of it and be a bit grumpy sometimes, but would rub along fine once everyone’s boundaries were in place. They’re part of the family and would get treated as such, so would be told they’re annoying and helped to become less so

He is making his problem your problem.
No way would I be taking in an annoying teen for 1 year let alone (potentially) 3 - until the end of school and A levels!

They need to reframe it - mum takes kid back to her home country for treatment and DB and DN visit in holidays. Or, he grows a backbone and tells the CHILD that she doesn't get to dictate where the family.

The fact he was sarcastic at the end of the call would only cement my decision.

It might be that setting clear ground rules for your niece bout the way she speaks and behaves would work, especially as you have a spare room and your children wouldn't have to share or give up a bedroom.

However, the thing that would worry me most about having your niece to stay was whether there was something about the dynamics of the family situation that they haven't told you. It's standard for people your niece's age not to want to move away from their friends but for her not to want to be with her parents and brother for at least a year except during holidays suggests there are problems with the relationship.

I also see that you've posted an update explaining your nephew has a disability, not that he is ill. Maybe this experimental treatment won't work. I know that sounds harsh but it may not be the best decision for your nephew and the family if the trial is not successful. I understand they want to try everything but maybe it's not necessarily the right decision to go for this treatment.

Realistically, as most posters have said, it would be more practical for your brother to stay with your niece.

Does she have ADHD and if so is she on medication for it?

Bogoffsomewherehot, the Double-household reframing you suggest isn‘t in the cards financially.
Sure, they can force the daughter to come with them against her own best interest, as she loses out on school, but that this is only the last option should be clear.
Dreadful to have to choose between the prospects of one of your kids over the other‘s.

Yanbu, I wouldn’t do it either, OP.

One parent has to stay, or Mary has to move. 15 is just entering the most testing parenting years, it’s bad enough when it’s your own.

In any case, it sounds like a very serious situation for your brother's family, and you should help them out.
15 year olds can be fairly independent so perhaps she'll spend a lot of time in her room 'studying'.
Just tell her to shut up when she gets on your nerves.

I would help.

You never know how life turns out. If something happens to Mary, if one day you need your brother's help.

She's getting to the age where she can get a Saturday job and spend all her time at bus stops (seemed to be my life at that age!)

I'd at least try. Why be a family If not to rely on each other in good times or bad?

That said id think differently if Mary was violent or had issues with drugs etc to protect my kids - but protect them from hearing 'well actually' too much...? Really?

I sound judgy but wouldn't actually judge you if this was real life / it's a walk in my shoes thing at the end of the day. Above is just my musings as applies to my life/family and approach if in the same predicament