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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We don't want my niece to stay with us

501 replies

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 17:16

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 27/09/2022 22:34

I imagine Mary is not her real name.

Welshrarebitontoast · 27/09/2022 22:34

Poor Mary

EstellaRijnveld · 27/09/2022 22:38

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 27/09/2022 22:34

I imagine Mary is not her real name.

But it is still a very identifiable situation. The op has no compassion towards a young teen who has been a carer all her life & down the bottom of everyone's priority list so it seems. Shameful post.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 27/09/2022 22:38

There are a few state boarding schools your family could look into. An alternative idea that might be mad, if you have room could your brother provide some sort of self contained small lodge in your garden so she could be mostly self sufficient but you could be there in an emergency or to help her out? If Mary is like most teens she’ll be in her room most of the time anyway?

NoMoneyHun · 27/09/2022 22:40

Somethingneedstochange · 27/09/2022 22:13

She sounds like she has ADHD. Probably with her brother needing more attention might be why she behaves like she does. My older brother is like this. He will say oh put this film on. Then annoyingly talk through it and ask questions about it. He's recently been diagnosed with ADHD and borderline personality disorder at 45.

As her brother is disabled and they are going for him I'm guessing social services will be involved. Have they considered her being fostered?

Sounds like and having ADHD are two totally different things. It's wrong to assume that she has a condition because she's been described as having quirks and corrects people. OP also described her behaviour as annoying.
She might just think she knows better and enjoys correcting the people around her.

Redkettle · 27/09/2022 22:44

EstellaRijnveld · 27/09/2022 22:38

But it is still a very identifiable situation. The op has no compassion towards a young teen who has been a carer all her life & down the bottom of everyone's priority list so it seems. Shameful post.

Show quote history

I agree.

Queuesarasarah · 27/09/2022 22:56

I think my attitude to family must be really very different to yours.

AnnaMagnani · 27/09/2022 22:57

I can see a lot of posters feeling that this trial is going to be lifesaving or a not to be missed opportunity to change the life of a disabled child.

For me, it is ringing so many alarm bells. The science for this is totally in its infancy and highly experimental.

The chance of any success is extremely remote.

If this is a trial they are paying to join, it is effectively a scam preying on the desperate.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/09/2022 23:02

He’s appalling. She’s 15! His job is to parent her - she’s not an 18 year old lodger, you will essentially be her mum. Point that out.

tell him to look at state boarding schools

I don’t think it was wise to share your feelings about your niece’s quirks, but anyway

2bazookas · 27/09/2022 23:12

She could ask her friends if their family would be interested in a paying guest. Or her Dad could ask her school if there's some respectable family which would be very glad to host her for the extra income. Or, he could send her to boarding school.

sallyglastonbury · 27/09/2022 23:18

BMW6 · 27/09/2022 17:24

I think I'd have taken her but stamped on her "quirks" straight away (in a non aggressive way and trying to be as kind as possible).

Don't interrupt please, its very rude and annoying.
Well actually Mary its really annoying when you keep saying "well actually"

You could have done her a huge favour.

Agrer you might be a better parent for her, stop being selfish and start to think about her as well

londonmummy1966 · 27/09/2022 23:21

Might a state boarding school be an option for Mary - the government pay for the education and the parents only pay for the boarding element. Details here
www.goodschoolsguide.co.uk/choosing-a-school/state-schools/state-boarding-schools

ancientgran · 27/09/2022 23:26

Chocolatefreak · 27/09/2022 20:34

Lots of people jumping on here to judge the OP and to brag about how they would definitely step in and host the unlikeable niece! Few criticising how apparently easy it is for the brother to expect his sister to drop everything. Where's the compromise for him and his wife? Obviously, a parent needs to be with the son, but logically, since the treatment is in his wife's family's country, she should stay there with a member of HER family with her son. The brother should suck it up and stay here with his annoying daughter, whether that's his personal preference or not.

He has two children with needs, not only one. This is critical timing for his daughter too, and messing up this period of her life could have long term consequences.

Can't believe how many saints are on here tonight!😂

Did you miss the bit about her family being in a different part of the country so it wouldn't work.

sallyglastonbury · 27/09/2022 23:27

londonmummy1966 · 27/09/2022 23:21

Might a state boarding school be an option for Mary - the government pay for the education and the parents only pay for the boarding element. Details here
www.goodschoolsguide.co.uk/choosing-a-school/state-schools/state-boarding-schools

As long as she doesn't get ab*d

Lalliella · 27/09/2022 23:30

I think you should take her in. Poor Mary, it sounds like she’s bottom of her family’s list of priorities and now is being rejected by her aunt. Try and imagine how she must feel. It might be the cause of some of her “quirks”. And if you take her in you can help her work on them. It’s only one year, it’s not forever, but that year could be a very important one for her.

Mojitoo · 27/09/2022 23:41

Poor Mary, it sounds like she’s bottom of her family’s list of priorities and now is being rejected by her aunt. Try and imagine how she must feel. It might be the cause of some of her “quirks”. And if you take her in you can help her work on them. It’s only one year, it’s not forever, but that year could be a very important one for her

Yes. I feel enormously sorry for this child. Poor girl. I would do it. It wouldn't be easy, but personally, I'd find it harder to live with a decision to say no.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 27/09/2022 23:43

Yanbu. You are not obliged to do this.

There are already dozens of agencies who provide the service that your brother is asking of you - plenty of existing experienced families who provide a homestay environment so that children of overseas families can have a British education in a more homelike environment than boarding schools. Your brother should phone up some nearby private day schools and ask if they know of any local agencies offering homestay options for day pupils with families overseas. Mary will be much better tolerated in such an arrangement.

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 23:51

sallyglastonbury · 27/09/2022 23:27

As long as she doesn't get ab*d

Show quote history

They're hugely oversubscribed - I doubt she'd get in last minute. And it's not particularly cheap either.

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 23:55

2bazookas · 27/09/2022 23:12

She could ask her friends if their family would be interested in a paying guest. Or her Dad could ask her school if there's some respectable family which would be very glad to host her for the extra income. Or, he could send her to boarding school.

Good thing boarding school only costs about £30K a year. And of course a new school won't be doing the same GCSE courses she's doing. Moving schools at this stage would be a disaster. I suspect she'd need to repeat a year, unless she's very bright and hard-working and settles into the new school immediately.

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 23:59

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 27/09/2022 22:38

There are a few state boarding schools your family could look into. An alternative idea that might be mad, if you have room could your brother provide some sort of self contained small lodge in your garden so she could be mostly self sufficient but you could be there in an emergency or to help her out? If Mary is like most teens she’ll be in her room most of the time anyway?

I think OP should make it as clear as possible to Mary (just in case she hasn't already) that everyone in the family despises her and she has to be kept in quarantine from the family in case she infects them. So a different entrance to her room, eating separately from the family, etc.

Nonewsplease · 28/09/2022 00:01

This is starting to sound like a modern version of "Jane Eyre". Shameful, frankly.

KosherDill · 28/09/2022 00:05

It's not shameful to not disrupt one's entire family because an adolescent doesn't want to move schools. Mary should go with her family as millions of teenagers have done before, when there are pressing reasons the family needs to move.

She's not some waif being left on the cobblestones somewhere. She has two parents and a sibling. She should be with them, not changing the OP's entire family dynamic for two years.

Nonewsplease · 28/09/2022 00:08

It's 1 year, less all the school holidays, and there's no reason why it should change the "entire family dynamic".
So on top of everything else, she has to give up getting GCSEs. Which will probably mean she has to go back a year at school, if that's even allowed. A state school probably won't allow it.

Pettyargument · 28/09/2022 00:09

We did this. My SILs teenage son came and lived with us for one year in his final year of school as they were moving across the country and he didn't want to go. It wasn't easy but it also wasn't terribly hard. TBH at that age they don't want to be hanging around with you all the time anyway and he was quite self sufficient. He doesn't have an annoying personality though (but he did get caught smoking pot in the garden one day so he wasn't perfect either!). In our situation we did it for him as his step-father was not very kind to him.

DorsetCafes · 28/09/2022 00:09

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 27/09/2022 22:38

There are a few state boarding schools your family could look into. An alternative idea that might be mad, if you have room could your brother provide some sort of self contained small lodge in your garden so she could be mostly self sufficient but you could be there in an emergency or to help her out? If Mary is like most teens she’ll be in her room most of the time anyway?

You cannot be serious. Stick a 15 year old child on her own in a shed for a year with a fridge, a gas ring and panic button? Would you do that to your own child?

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