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Original poster

We don't want my niece to stay with us

501 replies

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 17:16

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

OP posts:
Original poster
canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 21:50

@Porcupineintherough Well we do bring it up with them every now and then to make sure they're still on board. Obviously lots of things in life can change that might make this arrangement not feasible so we try to stay on top of it.

OP posts:
glassdarker · 27/09/2022 21:50

@NoMoneyHun yes that's pretty much it in a nutshell. They do trump, if that's the sort of family dynamic you live in. If not, that's your call, but I can't imagine having a relationship with my sibling going forward if they wouldn't do this. Plenty of things happen in life which we would prefer didn't happen, and inconvenience at best or at worst alter our life plans. If we can't be there for family, when at worst the outcome is it changing the family dynamic for 18 months. I day this as someone who has both altered life plans to support other family members and the mother of a disabled child whose life plan has altered, so despite an earlier post I don't think I am living in cloud cuckoo land.

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 21:51

Binglebong · 27/09/2022 21:41

Yes, it does make a difference if the child is sick and this is a last chance to keep them alive or disabled (with the caveat that it depends on severity). Of course you want to improve his life but if this is successful the treatment is likely to be available at a later date. I feel for the family - right now the children's needs are conflicting and one will be harmed,whether by leaving friends and school or by delaying treatment.

I honestly don't know what I would do. I suspect from the conversation that the OP would be constantly undermined by the brother if the nice was taken in - "oh well she is always allowed x at home, she needs it to keep things consistent. I know your DC aren't allowed it but she is going through a hard time...." If this was just about school it is one thing but it isn't- nothing with a teenager is! Does she go to sixth form or college at the end of her GCSEs (and living where?). Arguments with friends, curfews, boyfriends, trouble at school, is she allowed to wear makeup or dye her hair? What happens when she is grounded or argues with your DC? she does badly on her exams- clearly the OPs fault (actually it will be whatever she does - the disruption of moving school or the "lack of support" at her new home). And all the time the brother twisting things....

This argument that the OP would be undermined by the brother if she took the niece in is groundless. I've checked the OP's posts and she's said nothing to suggest that this would happen.

Porcupineintherough · 27/09/2022 21:51

Well yes. Seeing family at family occasions is normal.

whumpthereitis · 27/09/2022 21:51

‘Family’ means as much or as little as you want it to.

and OP CAN’T just unilaterally agree to take Mary into her household, even if she wanted to. It isn’t just her house. So if OP agreed and her husband said no, what then? And if her son agreed with her husband? Should she be expected to fuck them both off in the name of ‘but family!’?

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 21:51

glassdarker · 27/09/2022 21:50

@NoMoneyHun yes that's pretty much it in a nutshell. They do trump, if that's the sort of family dynamic you live in. If not, that's your call, but I can't imagine having a relationship with my sibling going forward if they wouldn't do this. Plenty of things happen in life which we would prefer didn't happen, and inconvenience at best or at worst alter our life plans. If we can't be there for family, when at worst the outcome is it changing the family dynamic for 18 months. I day this as someone who has both altered life plans to support other family members and the mother of a disabled child whose life plan has altered, so despite an earlier post I don't think I am living in cloud cuckoo land.

And the OP has said it will probably only be for 1 year.

Binglebong · 27/09/2022 21:52

Differences in pocket monet- unfair to have one get less, unfair to take one down, who pays for the increase? And the general increase in cost, more gas, electric etc. Food will go up, things like shampoo (amazing how they add up). Lots of little things that cause a pinch. Even just doing something like going to Pizza Hut would be more expensive - you certainly can't leave her out but with the extra costs it would be wrong to land it on the OP. So it would need to be prearranged with her brother, which would feel churlish, and which would remove spontaneity.

NoMoneyHun · 27/09/2022 21:53

Sorry but children don't get to dictate fuck all.

Discovereads · 27/09/2022 21:55

NoMoneyHun · 27/09/2022 21:53

Sorry but children don't get to dictate fuck all.

Spoken like a true dictator.
No reasonable request gets past you.

Binglebong · 27/09/2022 21:56

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 21:51

This argument that the OP would be undermined by the brother if she took the niece in is groundless. I've checked the OP's posts and she's said nothing to suggest that this would happen.

Show quote history

I'm basing it on the conversations that she gas posted about where instead of excepting no he kept pushing.

NoMoneyHun · 27/09/2022 21:58

It's unreasonable for the OP. It's up to the parents to sort out. If the Niece wants to stay in the UK then a parent needs to stay with her or convince her to go with them. 15 is a child not an adult. You are legally responsible for your own kids. The OP has made it clear her own children would be massively uncomfortable with her around as would she but DN seems to be all anyone is arsed about. Maybe it's time she just did as she was told?

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2022 22:00

I think a lot of us were presuming this was something critical. However, your brother and sil are not trying to save your dn’s life. I get it is very important to be on the trial as it could be many years before the treatment if successful is widely available. However, the parents simply cannot put one child above the other in this way.

Mary is at a critical time in her life and what happens now does govern her future. Forcing her out of school a few months off her GCSEs is something she could take years to come back from. Your brother needs to find the money to rent something small for at least 9 months even if it means going into debt to do so.

Angelinflipflops · 27/09/2022 22:00

I would do it, and who knows maybe have a calming influence on the kids more annoying edges!

Lampzade · 27/09/2022 22:11

Mangogogogo · 27/09/2022 19:07

I know people are saying mehhhh it’s different for each family but you wanted opinions so here’s mine. I would be dreading it! I would probably hate every moment. But for my brother who’s son was poorly enough for nerve regeneration, I would do it in a heartbeat.

This

Somethingneedstochange · 27/09/2022 22:13

She sounds like she has ADHD. Probably with her brother needing more attention might be why she behaves like she does. My older brother is like this. He will say oh put this film on. Then annoyingly talk through it and ask questions about it. He's recently been diagnosed with ADHD and borderline personality disorder at 45.

As her brother is disabled and they are going for him I'm guessing social services will be involved. Have they considered her being fostered?

Somethingneedstochange · 27/09/2022 22:18

How is it? They might not get this opportunity again. So they are taking it while it's being offered. As a mum of two with severe disabilities if there was something like this offered to one of my children. Dam right I would be taking it.

allboysherebutme · 27/09/2022 22:19

Say no. X

GelatoQueen · 27/09/2022 22:22

The whole situations sounds a bit fucked up to me tbh. I had assumed that nephew was critically / terminally ill but I see that this is not the case and that makes a big difference IMO. Clinical trials are just that - trials - they sometimes don't work, they can get delayed and they are often carried out for the prestige / money associated with them. Initially I thought OP was being awful but I think her brother / family are being terribly naive and unfair on their daughter.

I feel for Mary - i really don't know (a) why her parents are prioritising her brothers needs over hers at such a crucial time in her life (b) if anyone has ever listened properly to her or talked to her to see how she feels about having a disabled brother, being a carer, or to find out what she's struggling with (c) why her Aunt doesn't step up and try an help her or at least have a proper chat with her to see if the arrangement could possibly work.

I do think OP you could do more to support your brother and his family - it doesn't necessarily mean hosting niece for 18 months but for gods sake you seem completely lacking in empathy for their situation and unwilling to even cut your niece some slack. Ever thought she might be struggling and that's the reason its so awkward/difficult

EmeraldShamrock1 · 27/09/2022 22:22

It's great to read that there are still families who would be willing to put themselves out to help a loved one even if they were annoying at times.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2022 22:25

GelatoQueen · 27/09/2022 22:22

The whole situations sounds a bit fucked up to me tbh. I had assumed that nephew was critically / terminally ill but I see that this is not the case and that makes a big difference IMO. Clinical trials are just that - trials - they sometimes don't work, they can get delayed and they are often carried out for the prestige / money associated with them. Initially I thought OP was being awful but I think her brother / family are being terribly naive and unfair on their daughter.

I feel for Mary - i really don't know (a) why her parents are prioritising her brothers needs over hers at such a crucial time in her life (b) if anyone has ever listened properly to her or talked to her to see how she feels about having a disabled brother, being a carer, or to find out what she's struggling with (c) why her Aunt doesn't step up and try an help her or at least have a proper chat with her to see if the arrangement could possibly work.

I do think OP you could do more to support your brother and his family - it doesn't necessarily mean hosting niece for 18 months but for gods sake you seem completely lacking in empathy for their situation and unwilling to even cut your niece some slack. Ever thought she might be struggling and that's the reason its so awkward/difficult

I totally agree with you there.

Cameleongirl · 27/09/2022 22:26

GelatoQueen · 27/09/2022 22:22

The whole situations sounds a bit fucked up to me tbh. I had assumed that nephew was critically / terminally ill but I see that this is not the case and that makes a big difference IMO. Clinical trials are just that - trials - they sometimes don't work, they can get delayed and they are often carried out for the prestige / money associated with them. Initially I thought OP was being awful but I think her brother / family are being terribly naive and unfair on their daughter.

I feel for Mary - i really don't know (a) why her parents are prioritising her brothers needs over hers at such a crucial time in her life (b) if anyone has ever listened properly to her or talked to her to see how she feels about having a disabled brother, being a carer, or to find out what she's struggling with (c) why her Aunt doesn't step up and try an help her or at least have a proper chat with her to see if the arrangement could possibly work.

I do think OP you could do more to support your brother and his family - it doesn't necessarily mean hosting niece for 18 months but for gods sake you seem completely lacking in empathy for their situation and unwilling to even cut your niece some slack. Ever thought she might be struggling and that's the reason its so awkward/difficult

@GelatoQueen Good summary of the situation. Mary seems to be at the bottom of her family’s priority list, tbh.

FancyFelix · 27/09/2022 22:27

Libre2 · 27/09/2022 17:21

No, you are not turning her life upside down, they are. The obvious solution is one parent goes with the brother and the other stays here with Mary. You absolutely should not feel pressured into something which will radically alter all your day-to-day lives.

Exactly this. Your brother is being a self centred arsehole.

CassandraBarrett · 27/09/2022 22:29

There's a big difference between having to spend a little time with an annoying family member occasionally and having them LIVE with you for an unspecified amount of time.
I think the OP is right to say no. She would be sacrificing her own family's well being/mental health to have someone they all dislike so much living with them. And it wouldn't be great for Mary to have to live with people who dislike her

EmeraldShamrock1 · 27/09/2022 22:30

It's extremely hard as the sibling of a sick/disabled DC.

I know I dropped the ball on and off with DD for years when DS was really bad.

The sibling looks for attention outside of the home, even negative attention is better than no attention, it could explain her lack of boundaries.

EstellaRijnveld · 27/09/2022 22:31

This is sad to read especially as it's so identifying, I'd recommend that you get it taken down. You've even named your niece and been specific about the details of the situation.

I'd be mortified if I was your dB or sil and came across this v identifiable thread. Do the decent thing and get this deleted to maintain their privacy. It's almost as if you all sit down to discuss how annoying she is and encourage your kids to join in. Just awful, OK so she's annoying but who isn't and to go on a public forum to slate her is terrible.