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AIBU?

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Original poster

We don't want my niece to stay with us

501 replies

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 17:16

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

OP posts:
QueensEyot · 27/09/2022 21:03

I feel truly sorry for "Mary".

Her parents are both moving abroad for her brother's sake. So in her mind, her needs are second to those of her brother, even though it's understandable to adults/other parents why they need to go. Her aunt doesn't want her (I also understand why she doesn't want her, if hers isn't an 'all comers welcome' household - even though I personally couldn't do that). If her aunt did take her, it would be clear that she doesn't like her and doesn't want her there, which is hardly going to make her feel any better. What a horrible and upsetting situation for a 15 yr old to be in. Having taken in a teenager who isn't a blood relation, but who was stuck, I absolutely can't begin to imagine how anyone could turn away a teenager in need, however annoying they might be. It's mind-bending that people might only agree to help out a "pleasant" teenager. Does it not cross your mind that a teenager might be "unpleasant" because they're trying to contend with a load of crap that isn't of their making? (They might, of course, also just be dickish teenagers, but that's fine too).

QueensEyot · 27/09/2022 21:04

It's not cultural, either. My family is entirely white Anglo-Saxon since the beginning of time, and I still feel this way, and would still take "Mary" in.

Hoppinggreen · 27/09/2022 21:06

QueensEyot · 27/09/2022 21:04

It's not cultural, either. My family is entirely white Anglo-Saxon since the beginning of time, and I still feel this way, and would still take "Mary" in.

Same here and I wouldn’t

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 21:08

FluffySocksAndHotChocolate · 27/09/2022 20:38

YANBU.

I wouldn't either. Not because of annoying habits but purely for the fact I wouldn't want to be responsible for someone else's child for at least a year. If I wanted more children I'd of had more children.

That's a nasty attitude. What will happen to your children if you and your DH die in a car crash? Are you assuming (or did you assume if they are now adults) that a family member would take them? Maybe they'd prefer not to? Particularly if you've behaved like this when one of them asked you for help.

Energydrink · 27/09/2022 21:11

It is disgraceful how so many on mumsnet do not see their nieces and nephews as part of their family.
Annoying traits and all… my brother wouldn’t even need to get to the end of the question… my answer would be , immediately, yes!

PugInTheHouse · 27/09/2022 21:11

It's really difficult as on here you will get people saying they would take her in and others saying they wouldn't, only you know if you can manage it.

My DN is pretty annoying, she is spoilt and demanding. She is DHs sisters daughter, I would still take her in without a 2nd thought. Same for my brothers DC (hes only young so not annoying teenager yet). We are a close family so regardless of my feelings towards the DCs I would do it for my brother or SIL.

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 21:13

Orchidflower1 · 27/09/2022 20:29

It’s a massive ask @canthandleniece . To take on a NT teen is a huge change. To take on a ND teen even more so.

I appreciate your DBro can’t afford to run two houses. However what about selling his house and getting two smaller places. Or renting his house out and using the funds to pay for renting two flats. An air b and b would do a longer rent too.

I think it’s nasty of him to be sarcastic like he was. He is clearly projecting his own guilt about leaving his dd but that does not make it right.

I think the solution is one parent with one child even if they’re living in rented bedsits.

it’s not fair on your niece but it’s not fair on your chn either to have their home invaded by a cousin they can’t stand. Family is important but no niece or nephew of mine trumps my children in a situation like this.

Perhaps your DCs would learn something from helping out someone in a very difficult situation. Perhaps they can learn to be more flexible / adaptable / tolerant / empathetic / not always to put themselves first. We are producing a very selfish next generation (and God knows our generation is selfish enough, as demonstrated on this thread).

cstx89 · 27/09/2022 21:14

Libre2 · 27/09/2022 17:21

No, you are not turning her life upside down, they are. The obvious solution is one parent goes with the brother and the other stays here with Mary. You absolutely should not feel pressured into something which will radically alter all your day-to-day lives.

Agree with this! X

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 21:15

Fauviandelight32 · 27/09/2022 19:38

I’m really shocked at the replies as someone who is not from the UK originally. Trying not to judge as I know it’s cultural but from just taken aback by the attitude that so many of you have where you would not put yourself out to help your family in a time of need. Look out for yourself, put yourself first, they can deal with their own problems. Harsh! I understand in families where there’s bad blood or you don’t really speak but this doesn’t sound like the case here.

Anyway, just privately saying thanks that I’m not in any of your families!

I think that it is in part cultural. I think that the UK is (in general) less family-minded than many other cultures. There's an obsession with the nuclear family (parents and children), at the expense of the wider family.

Despairingof · 27/09/2022 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

If you are going to be sarky, learn to read - her brother’s son is obviously her nephew

WGACA · 27/09/2022 21:16

I wouldn’t take her in in your shoes. It’s ok to put your own family first.

PugInTheHouse · 27/09/2022 21:16

I agree Energydrink, we are also guardians for our close friends DCs, one has fairly significant SEN but it was never a question in our eyes to say yes.

PugInTheHouse · 27/09/2022 21:16

Sorry that meant to say named guardians should anything happen to them

ColeensBoot · 27/09/2022 21:17

Cor that's a dead ringer for 'blame the woman' come what may.
Mary's PARENTS are the ones changing their family's life, not you.

Look after your own family first.

Discovereads · 27/09/2022 21:22

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 21:15

I think that it is in part cultural. I think that the UK is (in general) less family-minded than many other cultures. There's an obsession with the nuclear family (parents and children), at the expense of the wider family.

Show quote history

Its not part of the British culture I was raised in and know. I think that’s just an excuse and a poor one at that.

GinIronic · 27/09/2022 21:23

It's a huge ask. I like my nephews and nieces but I wouldn't want to be responsible for them and move them into my home for more than a few days. You have made the right decision in saying no.

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 21:24

Out of interest, OP, what would happen to your children if you and their dad were no longer able to look after them? Are you counting on a member of the family taking them, because why should they? After all, they didn't choose to have those children, did they? It's not their responsibility and they should put their immediate nuclear family first.

StClare101 · 27/09/2022 21:25

I just would have said no I can’t parent an additional child and leave it at that. They need to take her with them or one of them stays behind. Or boarding school.

longtompot · 27/09/2022 21:26

We had my bil move in with us suddenly overnight at that age. I wouldn't do it with a family member I found difficult. He wasn't at the start but became very much so.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/09/2022 21:26

I would do it but.......I have made it through 5 teenaged kids and it just sounds normal to me. You do learn to tune it out! If your kids are younger and you are not used to dealing with this kind of thing, it really is hard, especially when it is dropped on you overnight rather than just creeping up on you as it does when it is your own kid.

I think the issue is that one kid is annoying but the other kid could have his life changed with what is a (relatively) small sacrfice. As the mother of a disabled son I would be very upset that no one would help me help him whilst giving the other child the stability they need.

That said, I get why you dont want to but I am not sure that being brutally honest was the way to go. Maybe a lie along the lines of one of your jobs being moved (maybe) or something that means you may be moving and cant guarantee that she could stay at her school woul dhave been better.

ImAvingOops · 27/09/2022 21:26

I think you've irreparably damaged your relationship with your brother.
He's not moving abroad on a whim - his child is seriously ill. I think you should have agreed to try - your family is not only your dh and kids, it's your brother too!

The suggestions that she stays with a friend are odd - if her own aunt isn't willing to have her, why would a friend's parents?

I have taken in a teen who was thrown out by her stepdad. My son's girlfriend lived with us for a couple of years. I'm not going to say it was always easy ,but sometimes in life you should inconvenience yourself a bit to support the people you love.

NoMoneyHun · 27/09/2022 21:28

This isn't life and death so the people chiming in about "what would you do if you died?" Erm that's a totally different scenario...
This is about a teenager who doesn't want to move abroad for the sake of her brother. Tough spuds.

Porcupineintherough · 27/09/2022 21:29

Look after your own family first

And this is why it's cultural. In many cultures Mary would be part of the OP's family and the OP's attitude would be unthinkable.

NoMoneyHun · 27/09/2022 21:29

ImAvingOops · 27/09/2022 21:26

I think you've irreparably damaged your relationship with your brother.
He's not moving abroad on a whim - his child is seriously ill. I think you should have agreed to try - your family is not only your dh and kids, it's your brother too!

The suggestions that she stays with a friend are odd - if her own aunt isn't willing to have her, why would a friend's parents?

I have taken in a teen who was thrown out by her stepdad. My son's girlfriend lived with us for a couple of years. I'm not going to say it was always easy ,but sometimes in life you should inconvenience yourself a bit to support the people you love.

OP has stated her nephew isn't seriously ill. It is a trial to improve a physical disability.

ddl1 · 27/09/2022 21:31

This should be a wake up call to your brother about how annoying his child is.

No, it shouldn't be! THAT is crucial!

The OP does NOT IMO have a duty to take her in for 18 months when there are alternatives. She could, if need be, deal with living abroad for a while - many kids do because of their parents' jobs after all; and if they're going somewhere because it's the place where a clinical trial is being conducted, it isn't going to be somewhere in the middle of nowhere. And there could perhaps be a compromise: one parent stays in England with the daughter some of the time, and she lives abroad with them the rest of the time.

And it is rather unfair of OP's brother to just assume that she will take her, and keep pushing the OP about it, though it is likely the result of stress rather than inherent pushiness.

However, this should not be used as a means of trying to show the brother how dreadful his daughter is. This could have either of two effects: the brother and his wife will become harsh with their daughter, and perhaps blame her for the stresses in their lives (if indeed they aren't already) and likely cause her enormous and lasting pain; or they will side with their daughter and their relationship with the OP will be permanently damaged.

I do hope that the clinical trial is successful for their son.