to ask daughters boyfriend why he's been kicked out.

[cheesecadet]

My mid teen has been with her boyfriend for 5 months and I've really taken to him, could tell from the start he'd come from a good home. Always very polite and mature & very supportive of her.
My daughter said early on that his parents were too strict. She says he won't tell her why (big red flag). She's either lying to us (so I don't think less of him) or he can't bring himself to tell her (unlikely in my eyes). He's obviously done something. And I want to know if he's not what he seems.
He's coming over later. (he's currently staying with a friend).
Aibu to ask him why?

Mid teens - so 15/16? I'd be more concerned about whether this kid is safe. Where is he staying?

I think as long as he still treats your daughter well, you should stay out of the details. There could be many reasons why this has happened, he may be embarrassed to talk about it.

Your assumption that he comes from a good home because he's mature and polite seems a little strange to me - there are plenty of children who are polite and well behaved, and also have abusive/turbulent home lives.

How old is he?

Thank you, I understand that.
Just hope it's not something I would need to know about, something that would affect my daughter negatively. I get what you're saying.

Your daughter is still very young.

Good familys don't throw out children from the home, so I would want to know.

I thought the premise of this was that he was or she was proposing he stay with you lot?
I understand why you want to know why but I don't think you'll get to the bottom of it unless they tell you or at least until she drops so many hints that you work it out. I'd remain cautious of how she is, how he's treating her etc. Is he asking her for money, or if her moods change.

I came from a 'good home'. I am no contact with my 'good parents'.

I have never done anything wrong.

He's 16

How do you know about his home life? My best friend comes from an home where her parents were upstanding members of the community, she is well spoken and was always dressed beautifully with the best of everything and the abuse she suffered behind closed doors is incredibly sad.

Just say to him " Julie is only 15 and as her mother I need to look out for her best interest. So I really need to know why your parents asked you to leave. "

If he refuses to tell you, that can only be a red flag.

I wouldn’t blame you for asking. Especially as they are both under 18

This.

Your OP contains some classic markers present in every case of child abuse I have ever known.

He may never want to tell anyone 'why'.

I’d want to know just to get the full picture of what’s going on, but offer him support regardless of the situation. I don’t think it’s okay to kick a child out and expect them to find somewhere to stay regardless of what they’ve done, if he’s done something awful then his parents need to be finding appropriate support and finding somewhere suitable for him to stay, not just kicking him out of making it someone else’s problem.

Invite him over for a friendly casual coffee, tell him you would like to meet him as “he’s dating your daughter” (perfectly reasonable). Make it all look super casual. Let him talk about himself, his family and his future plans. Half way through the conversation casually ask him why did the parents kicked him off and have him elaborate. Listen to what he says. Be friendly.

It’s your daughter and you have all reasons to be concerned.

You can also call his parents and ask them straight away.

I was kicked out at 16. I hadn't "done something" to deserve it. I just came from a dysfunctional family with a mother with severe MH issues.

Oh, and I was well spoken and polite too - that doesn't tell you anything about what his home life was like.

Not trying to move in with you is he?

What happens if you ask him and he refuses to answer, or gives you an answer you don't like? Does daughter get banned from seeing him?

I just can't see this going the way you want.

I don’t think it’s okay to kick a child out and expect them to find somewhere to stay regardless of what they’ve done, if he’s done something awful then his parents need to be finding appropriate support and finding somewhere suitable for him to stay

I agree with this. The fact that his parents have kicked him out at 16, with presumably nowhere to go, proves that they are not good parents. Because good parents don't do that.

If his parents are mentally ill, abusive, alcohol dependent etc then he may very well refuse to talk about through a misguided sense of loyalty, shame, or trying to protect them.

You are making the mistake of assuming that they must have had a logical reason, because you don’t know anyone who would just kick their teen out. But plenty of parents do this stuff without a good reason.

If he's being abused, this may lead to a beating. Why the fuck would you do this?

Normal parents don't just chuck their kids out. Abusive ones do.

I have a 17yo who won't get up to go to college or look for a job despite all the help, support and encouragement in the workd. I can definitely see how some parents get to this point. It's very easy to see it in a black and white 'well they must be shit' way when you have no idea what's going on.

This sounds like bad parenting rather than a bad kid. If you can ask him in normal conversation then do but don't pressure him to tell you.

Hard to answer. It’s not unreasonable to ask but you also shouldn’t assume HE’s done anything

my partner was kicked out multiple times as a teen. Sometimes it was drink/drugs other times it was just because he and his mam clashed (he told me they had very similar personalities so clashed a lot….not sure what he means as she is very anti drink and anti drugs)

he’s in his late 30’s now and has a good relationship with his mam…..better than I do with mine and mine never once kicked me out 🤣

Mine kicked me out at 16 but in their defence, I was pregnant. My relationship with them improved massively as a result of not living with them. Plus, I had somewhere to go.

I think if your DD is only 15 you are not unreasonable in wanting some more information to safeguard her. I certainly would. Your DD is not an adult, is living at home and the relationship is relatively new. The notion of throwing one of my children out is so totally alien to me that I'd like to know how it came about.