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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask daughters boyfriend why he's been kicked out.

115 replies

cheesecadet · 27/09/2022 13:58

My mid teen has been with her boyfriend for 5 months and I've really taken to him, could tell from the start he'd come from a good home. Always very polite and mature & very supportive of her.
My daughter said early on that his parents were too strict. She says he won't tell her why (big red flag). She's either lying to us (so I don't think less of him) or he can't bring himself to tell her (unlikely in my eyes). He's obviously done something. And I want to know if he's not what he seems.
He's coming over later. (he's currently staying with a friend).
Aibu to ask him why?

OP posts:
candycaneframe · 27/09/2022 14:49

Yabu

DH was kicked out at 15, he was polite and from a good home

What he would have never told anyone was that he wasn't polite. He was compliant, his mother was abusive and allowed the men in her life to abuse him too.

He was kept up at night with hands tied behind his back, sat on the kitchen table, until 3am on a school night because she was convinced he had lost the back door key, only for her current husband to walk in 10 mins later from a night out having taken them himself.

He was forced to sleep outside for daring to take a glass of milk without asking

He was told he was useless, ugly and no one would love him so he might as well be at least thankful he had a roof over his head. Until he didn't as she was fed up of his 'attitude'

He was lucky none of his friends parents asked why he was kicked out, he would have never had told, and his mother would have lied if called.

theresnouseingrumpin · 27/09/2022 14:49

Ask him but be tactful about it so it doesn't sound rude

PhillySub · 27/09/2022 14:49

I would be more worried about whether or not my daughter was safe with him never mind if he is safe. I would feel justified in knowing more.

Original poster
cheesecadet · 27/09/2022 14:50

Some good thoughts here, thank you. My main concern is that he carries on treating my daughter right. I hope he's not being abused, but wouldn't rule it out. I'll be my usual friendly self, if it comes up I'll offer my support and maybe just say as long as my daughter is treated okay. Dies that sound okay?

OP posts:
candycaneframe · 27/09/2022 14:52

PhillySub · 27/09/2022 14:49

I would be more worried about whether or not my daughter was safe with him never mind if he is safe. I would feel justified in knowing more.

You're not justified in wanting to know more

It would be none if your business, just like it's none of the op's

Paigeycakey · 27/09/2022 14:54

2bazookas · 27/09/2022 14:18

Just say to him " Julie is only 15 and as her mother I need to look out for her best interest. So I really need to know why your parents asked you to leave. "

If he refuses to tell you, that can only be a red flag.

Gosh this tone is wrong. If the poor is getting abused like some of the posters have said do you think he will open up to you?

I also see your point and kids lie.... so really you would surely be better contacting his parents? How long has he not been living at home for?

balalake · 27/09/2022 14:54

Valid to ask, valid for a response to be 'none of your business' or 'I don't want to talk about it'.

SleepingAgent · 27/09/2022 15:01

purplecorkheart · 27/09/2022 14:18

How do you know about his home life? My best friend comes from an home where her parents were upstanding members of the community, she is well spoken and was always dressed beautifully with the best of everything and the abuse she suffered behind closed doors is incredibly sad.

Yes a friend of mine was similar. They "never laid a hand on her" as they frequently claimed in hysterical texts to anyone who knew them, true, but the mental, emotional and financial abuse was horrible.
She never told a soul until she finally left for college and got a taste of freedom.

thing47 · 27/09/2022 15:21

balalake · 27/09/2022 14:54

Valid to ask, valid for a response to be 'none of your business' or 'I don't want to talk about it'.

Yes, it's a tricky one, isn't it? You're right in that on the one hand it's none of OP's business, but on the other I can see why OP might want this information to set her mind at rest that her (underage?) daughter is safe…

Maybe that's the approach: "I don't want to interfere, and I understand if you don't want to give me any details, but I just need to know that whatever is going on between you and your parents isn't going to affect Katie*", or words to that effect.

BrokenWing · 27/09/2022 15:22

How long has it been since he was "kicked out". Has he actually permanently left home or just rebelling a bit and his over strict parents have been a bit OTT with the consequences because he hasn't complied? A "do as you are told or find somewhere else to live type scenario" and he is standing his ground. It could be a silly argument over his curfew/doing his chores for example.

If it is a permanent eviction from his home then SS need to get involved as he is vulnerable.

Unless you have grounds for a suspicion it is really permanent, something sinister or he is at risk I would say MYOB other than let your dd and/or him know if he needs someone to talk to, and help find the correct support services for him, you are there.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 27/09/2022 15:24

YABU I think. It could be something really private that he is embarrased about (worst case that comes to mind is abuse of course - that happens in "good" homes too you know). If he is treating you daughter right, and is respectful to your family, I don't think you have the right to demand to know.

CovertImage · 27/09/2022 15:25

I love the way we've all decided that the parents are abusive

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 27/09/2022 15:28

CovertImage · 27/09/2022 15:25

I love the way we've all decided that the parents are abusive

I'm not sure that is the case. It's probably not, but it probably is complicated. Family dynamics often are. The fact is though that OP doesn't have the right to demand what is likely sensitive and personal information from a boy just because he is dating her daughter.

Freespirit42 · 27/09/2022 15:33

Is your daughter happy? If he’s not abusing your daughter what’s the issue I got thrown out at 17 my parents are very polite I was very polite but they were very religious and strict and very emotionally abusive. You r right it could be the lad that might of done something but has he tried doing stuff in your house if he’s been ok then I don’t see the problem. It took me years and I mean years not to justify what my parents did I always blamed me but actually I was a good kid really

Octomore · 27/09/2022 15:34

Abuse is really common. A lot more common than people like to think. It's not some rare, black swan type event.

And non-abusive parents don't typically kick a 16 year old child out. It's more common for a 16 year to be kicked out by abusive parents than it is for a 16 year old to behave so apallingly badly that kicking them out with nowhere to go is fully justified.

Octomore · 27/09/2022 15:35

It took me years and I mean years not to justify what my parents did I always blamed me but actually I was a good kid really

Same. It's only as an adult that I've come to realise exactly how badly my parents failed me.

Lndnmummy · 27/09/2022 15:38

If it was me, I would be worried for his wellbeing and want to see if I could help in anyway. He could be vulnerable and need help and support from adults around him. So I would approach him with that in mind. I hope he is ok.

Floomobal · 27/09/2022 15:38

could tell from the start he'd come from a good home

A “good home” wouldn’t kick a child out, so I wouldn’t describe it as that. I think depending on how well you know him, asking if he’s ok is appropriate. Asking what he’s done and why he’s been abandoned by his parents isn’t really appropriate

Lndnmummy · 27/09/2022 15:39

Octomore · 27/09/2022 15:35

It took me years and I mean years not to justify what my parents did I always blamed me but actually I was a good kid really

Same. It's only as an adult that I've come to realise exactly how badly my parents failed me.

Me too

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 27/09/2022 15:44

Can't you call his parents and just ask, say something like you are aware that he's been kicked out, and you are just wondering why because you have your daughter to think about, ....for example if he got kicked out over something like coming home late, not helping round the house, etc then that's one thing, but if he got kicked out because of something like drugs or being violent to his parents or being in trouble with the police then you need to know for your daughter's sake

The fact that he won't say is a huge red flag, if he won't say then ask his parents yourself...

been and done it. · 27/09/2022 15:45

He could also be doing/dealing drugs/stealing being abusive to younger siblings/ taking their car/staying out all night. All of those things or none of them but as a parent you need to know..end of...it's no-one else's business on here how or why his parents have chucked him out..how they deal with him is their concern not ours. Just ask him.

Imtoowettowoo · 27/09/2022 15:46

OP, If your daughter has been seeing this chap for 5 months and they are both minors then surely you have the 'phone number for his parents?

I would certainly ask him what is going on and, if necessary, follow it up with a 'phone call to his parents.

It could be a ruse on behalf of DD to have him living at your house.

You certainly need to get to the bottom of this.

summergone · 27/09/2022 15:46

I wouldn't mention you hope your dd is being treated ok , I would hope that she has the mindset that if she isn't being treated ok then she should end the relationship. I would say something along the lines of ' dd said you're not living at home at the moment is everything ok ? Do you need help with anything ?'

Octomore · 27/09/2022 15:46

Also, bear in mind that children do not realise that what their parents do isn't normal, so your chances of getting a genuine picture from this kid may well be low.

The home you grow up in is the only "normal" you know until you hit adulthood. Children who grow up in abusive homes end up with very skewed ideas about what "normal" parent behaviour looks like, so they justify and defend it.

They also grow up fully believing what their parents say about them. If their parent says their behaviour is awful, they'll believe it.

Most people I've spoken to who were abused as children only realised as adults that what went on in their childhood homes was a million miles from normal.

For me, it's been having nieces and nephews, thinking about how I was treated at their age, and realising how small and vulnerable I was. Prior to that, I just dismissed my experiences as being within the normal range of parent behaviour.

IncompleteSenten · 27/09/2022 15:48

What makes you think he'd tell you the truth?