to ask daughters boyfriend why he's been kicked out.

[cheesecadet]

My mid teen has been with her boyfriend for 5 months and I've really taken to him, could tell from the start he'd come from a good home. Always very polite and mature & very supportive of her.
My daughter said early on that his parents were too strict. She says he won't tell her why (big red flag). She's either lying to us (so I don't think less of him) or he can't bring himself to tell her (unlikely in my eyes). He's obviously done something. And I want to know if he's not what he seems.
He's coming over later. (he's currently staying with a friend).
Aibu to ask him why?

For your daughters sake you should find out, but tread carefully.

Parental abuse is one scenario, but when I was a similar age I had a boyfriend (my first) who from the outset seemed mature and polite but was actually very troubled, and exhibited a lot of controlling and threatening behaviour towards me that I was too naive to understand at the time. It wasn't until his parents met my parents about a year into the relationship that I found out he had a violent past. It was almost a relief, as from there I felt I could have a open dialogue with my parents about how he had been treating me, which gave me the confidence to end the relationship. It took a year though and I wish we could have had the conversation sooner.

Not saying this is what is happening with your daughter, but she needs to be your number one concern.

Because if he needs help or he's upset having an adult he feels he can trust could be exactly what he needs.

I was kicked out at 16, I didn’t do anything wrong but it was all because I became sick at 11 and my mother didn’t want to deal with me anymore! I have two other siblings, one older and one younger and my older sibling left of her own accord roughly at the same age and my younger sibling is still there to this day and has been treated VERY different to my sister and I!

I couldn’t help getting sick, but the fact that I was out the home now didn’t reflect badly on anyone else except me! I had plenty of friends around me, some which were very close and ultimately I was the one that screwed around way less than them as I have so much more to lose than they did.

over 15 years later from that day I seem to be the only one progressing in life whereas they all are stuck in a time warp doing the same things they were back then, hoping life will change but doing nothing positive to make that change!

the fact this boy has such a supportive family on his girlfriends side is more valuable than anything, I really appreciated my friends family that treated me better than my own blood! They provided a sense of normalcy and belonging I never felt.

he will come to you when he is ready to let you know what has happened. I wouldn’t ask him directly but I would speak to your daughter to try and get a clearer picture of him, she for sure will feed the info back to him so he will know you would like to know but would be willing to wait until his ready.

I'd ask. But in a caring way. Not in an accusatory way op.

I agree with pp.

I think your best bet is to open a sympathetic conversation with him, ask him if he needs support with anything, check that he has somewhere to sleep.

As part of that I think its appropriate to ask what happened, but not to comment or judge.

I think if you do that its likely he'll open up either during the conversation or in future once he knows he can trust you.

Surely the only thing you need to know is that he has a safe place to stay tonight!!!
It's not your business to know the ins and outs of it unless he chooses to share that with you.

I would not ask him or probe. It is private. I would though offer him support. If say "hey Jo, I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time please know that we are here should you need us to talk/ watch a film/just spend some time should you need it ' (or whatever you want/can offer). This way he's much more likely to be open to building some trust & confiding.

I too was that teen, came from a 'good family ' went to school with black eyes that no-one questioned because I was so mad most of the time no-one wanted to approach me.
I had an abusive older sibling that was out of parental control & I took the brunt. It was an awful situation. My sibling kicked me out at 16 - parents did nothing.

Obvious no contact with any of them now, I think I'm very well out of it.

I don't see anything wrong with asking. In fact, you'd be failing to safeguard your daughter if you didn't .
It could be the case that his parents are abusive.
It could be the case that there's a severe clash of personalities/expectations and a lack of communication.

It could also be the case(and no one seems to want to consider it) that he has done something that is "that bad".(drugs,gangs,abusive towards his parents or a sibling etc.)

Just keep it simple,friendly and definitely go in with an open mind. If you get more info you can form an opinion then and deciding what,if anything, you should do next.

It could be the case that there's a severe clash of personalities/expectations and a lack of communication.

You say this as if it would justify it.

Do you think good, non-abusive parents would kick a child out in this scenario? He's a child and they are the adults - managing personality clashes and communicating with your child is part of the job of being a parent.

I think you should ask, but from the point of view of helping to safeguard him and find out if he's being abused in any way. Please don't go in with the assumption that he's done something wrong and his parents are in the right. You seem to be basing the fact that he comes from a 'good home' on his manners? That's not a lot to go by.

Now he may well be completely unwilling to talk to you about it, especially if he's closed off to your daughter about it too. This is even more of a red flag that he may be a victim of abuse. I wonder if there's anything that you can do to support him? Although if he's a minor who's been made homeless I assume social services are involved? If not then please contact them ASAP.

This. I knew a few people in my teens, including DSis's first boyfriend, who were good people but kicked out from home on the stupidest of reasons. Parents could seem like good people but be cruel and controlling or neglectful and indifferent.

Why would the op have his parents phone number?

Do you think it's normal to have your teenagers boyfriends parents numbers at 16?

Christ almighty

Thank you so much everyone.
Indeed he could lie, I'm aware of that.
I'm going to gently make him aware that I'm here if he needs any support. I won't make it the first thing I say, I'll be friendly and weigh up the situation first. I just want to know that my daughter is safe. Also that he is too.

I think that you should get to the bottom of where he is staying and what he is doing for money. Treating your DD well is a bit of a red herring. Trouble can come from issues caused by lifestyle etc.

In retrospect it is as clear as day that my father has asperges, so I would quite regularly get thrown out of the house between the age of 14 and 16 for simply questioning whether or not having spaghetti Bolognese from a jarfor the fifth day in a row was palatable, or wondering whether I could get some new school uniform as mine had holes in it would get me a severe smack round the face.

on the surface of course he was a perfectly respectable businessman that turned up for every parents evening, smiled and nodded in the right places and appeared to be a model parent.

"My house my rules!"
"Fine I'm moving out then!"

Or the ultimatum that is such a favourite on MN

"If you don't stop x/start doing y/whatever rules and expectations then you have to find some place else to live."

Kid moves out /says he was kicked out.

Bar preventing him leaving the house, watching him every second they can't stop him.

I'm not saying it's right but it happens a lot.

Don't let him move in. Show any support for him by offering to accompany him to the council house, benefits office etc. If he's young enough then social services might be worth a try.

Even drug runners can appear nice btw. How do you know he isn't part of that crowd? How do you know he isn't a manipulative abuser himself? Maybe he's been in and out of a young offenders ?

Yes of course you ask him, it is so relevant as he's spending time with your dd.

Also is he staying at a friends long term, is he at college or what? It's all a safeguarding issue, you need to know what has gone on and offer help or contact the services who can help him if you can't.

@ldontWanna agree I moved out too when I was 16 nothing sinister and it wasn't too long. Just like you say parents and teens clash.... some of us on the thread may have it all to come!

How do you know he’s been kicked out?

It what happened with older sibling - 17 not 16 - parents very controlling but not abusive and sibling incredibly selfish and unthinking including lying and stealing- series of massive rows parents laid down law while under their roof and sibling stormed off with stuff and went to live in succession of shared house/squats/sofa surfing.

My DP were devastated - but also with younger kids not in a position to accept the status quo. They actually didn't stop talking and stepped in many times to keep sibling off the streets and get them out of debt but took till 30s till they held a full time job and got a council flat.

They did go back and live for short periods often with limit limits- one of which sibling physically assaulted me -both adults- without warning and my DP upset me by taking their side - and frankly I've had little to do with sibling since.

Exactly as DNAwrangler said. More likely he’s had a row and wants to shock his parents. Reverse the situation. You should contact his parents if you’re letting him stay at yours.

Maybe he hasn't been kicked out.
My ex left home at 16. As a teen, he could have charmed you with a story about why he left but it wouldn't have been true and he would be the first person to say that he wouldn't want his mid-teen having a relationship with someone like him. He had lots of counselling and was a completely different person as an adult.
So I understand all the posters jumping to paint pictures of abusive homes and caring about whether he has somewhere to stay but they aren't the only reasons someone leaves. You can't stop your DD dating him but I'd be aware that just because you ask him, it doesn't mean he'll tell you the truth.

I'd be worried about his home situation more than about anything he's done. Not everyone has great parents. DD2's former GF was very nearly kicked out of her home by her mother - for being gay.

They are still children and off course you need to know what has happened. You need to know the situation your daughter is involved in.