to ask daughters boyfriend why he's been kicked out.

[cheesecadet]

My mid teen has been with her boyfriend for 5 months and I've really taken to him, could tell from the start he'd come from a good home. Always very polite and mature & very supportive of her.
My daughter said early on that his parents were too strict. She says he won't tell her why (big red flag). She's either lying to us (so I don't think less of him) or he can't bring himself to tell her (unlikely in my eyes). He's obviously done something. And I want to know if he's not what he seems.
He's coming over later. (he's currently staying with a friend).
Aibu to ask him why?

I'm baffled that grown adults on here genuinely think the OP has any right to ask an unrelated child for personal information.

This is basic shit

I would talk to him from a place of sympathy and concern, ask what's been going on and if he needs help.

Kicking a 15/16 year old out with nowhere to go is not acceptable.

It's not like he's a random kid from the street. This kid comes into her house and is dating her 15 yo daughter. He might not tell her anything, but don't make her sound like some kind of nutter for being concerned(or the posters agreeing with her).

When i was 17, My mum kicked me out after i tried to disagree with her about something silly (politics maybe). She said "enough of your cheek or you're out" and pointed to the front door.

I thought, OK weird. I'll just message my bf and ask if I can stay with him. His parents said yes and then my mum begged me to stay. So I did.

A week later, my mum came bursting in my bedroom calling me a whore. Because I had a £20 note in my coat pocket. (My grandad gave it to me), but my mums first thought was that I was a prostitute!! Craziness. I was quiet, introverted and had one long term quiet and introverted boyfriend.

I was so shy I wouldn't even wear skirts or shorts. I hated getting my legs out. I never wore makeup or anything.

Anyway she kicked me out again. His dad arrived and I already had everything packed from the first time so I took all my stuff and left. Didn't speak to her for 2 years.

It was bliss

Very abusive and scary at times! All the shouting has left me very anxious and I have incredibly low self esteem.

Always grateful to my boyfriends family. They taught me what a real family is like and I'm the mum I am today because of this.

Same kind of person who says not to call SS because 'it's none of your business'

Anyway, can't remember why I shared my post. But I guess my point is - it could be abusive parents.

Still a worry either way!

So he's coming soon. So far my daughter has said that his parents have told him he can go back on Friday and at first she said he won't go back, but then he might try it but if it doesn't work out he can stay at another friend's house.
I am still going to ask if he's okay, that he doesn't have to tell me the ins and outs but tell him I'll support him if he needs it.

My Mum told people she kicked me out at 16, with a whole list of reasons (lies) why.

In reality, I ran away to my Grandparents, a few days after I turned 16, because I knew I couldn’t be forced to go back “home” (I’d done this a few times). Home being where my mother was an alcoholic who subjected me to violent attacks at least once a week, alongside emotional and mental abuse.

You know there are lots of polite, well presenting kids with absolutely abusive c*nts for parents. The 'he must come from a good home' assumption is ignorant as hell. Perhaps he is like that of his own merit.

When ds was in the school sixth form, one of his friends was effectively kicked out of home.
Charming, nice, well spoken and clever.
He came to stay at ours one night per week, and at other people's on other nights and spent the weekends with a relative who live some distance away.

The initial story was that he was kicked out as he and his step dad don't get on.
Then it was that they were veyr strict.
But actually the reason was that he smokes a lot of weed and consistently did it in their house/garden despite being told not to. He and his parents fell out over it big time.

So I am a little sceptical of 16 year olds being kicked out, I think there is usually more to it than meets the eye. Whether that is more on the child's side or more on the parent's obviously depends

This is what was said about me

"You turned out very well considering your mum is batshit" etc etc

I too was from a “good home” - big house, private school, etc etc.

As an adult it terrifies me how many people she fooled.

@ldontWanna no one has said the op is wrong for being concerned

Being concerned doesn't give you a 'right' to ask someone for personal information.

Is that really hard to grasp?

Its also possible of course that he has just left and stomped off to his friends house and not been "kicked out" at all. He's 16, they can't pick him up and bundle him in a car.

As the parent of two large teenage boys I can quite see how a "if you want to live under our roof you need to do xy and z/ stop doing a,b and c" conversation could be repeated by a teenager as being kicked out.

Live under our roof?

Wow.

I'm sure you can imagine a conversation like that happening with a stressed and angry parent and an equally angry teen

This.

I was (still am?!!) very polite. Always say sorry when I've done something wrong (and when I haven't), always say please and thank you (multiple.times), eat impeccably, have good degrees etc.. As a kid you'd have thought I was 'very well bought up'. You'd have made assumptions about my 'lovely' parents and upbringing. The hell I endured was the reason I never put a foot out of line, was the perfect play date, and all the parents invited me back.

Fear can make kids seem perfect. They have to be or there could be almighty consequences.

@Thatsthatthen87 My daughter's 16 - she can drive me up the wall sometimes like most teenagers but like hell I'd kick her out if she was pregnant. No chance. God luv you. I'm glad you got through it and you have a better relationship with your family now .❤️

A friend of mine has a saying: "Stay in your lane". I think it is appropriate in this case.

I am still going to ask if he's okay, that he doesn't have to tell me the ins and outs but tell him I'll support him if he needs it.

I think this is the right approach, OP. Let him know that you're aware that he's been kicked out and ask him if he's OK. That's all.

Definitely ask. I think it's a good thing to be concerned about any children who are in your home and in close contact with your children. When I was a teen my mum was dead nosey about (/had a healthy concern for) all of the friends and boyfriends we brought round. At worst they might find it a bit embarrassing. At best they might end up seeing you as someone they can trust to tell stuff to if you ask in a sympathetic and non-judgemental way (which is what our friends thought about my mum... too much so in fact - they told her absolutely everything including things we didn't want her knowing, it was so embarrassing).

I've got to say though, I don't think being well-spoken is inconsistent with having extremely strict parents... quite the opposite. Who knows though, "too strict" could mean anything, couldn't it. For a 16 year old it could mean they make him go to bed at 9pm or it could mean they don't want him smoking weed in the bedroom he shares with his little brother.

Either way, I think it's good to take a healthy interest but take as you find. Any 16 year old who's been kicked out of home for any reason (justified or not) is in a vulnerable situation.

one of my DC had a friend who was frequently kicked out by a step dad and spent a few nights on park benches - once we found out my DC had permission to let him in and sleep on our sofa any time it happened, without needing to check with us (it could happen in the early hours if SD came home pissed). He was a lovely boy.

Some nice kids have shitty home lives.

Be wary of offering he can stay at yours - that then becomes very awkward if their relationship changes.

I think you are in a difficult position. Of course as apparent you want to know but if you push or query it too much, it'll only drive a distance between you and your daughter.

Is he still in school or is he working? What are his friends like? Do you know the family he is staying with? Do you know much about his family etc?

It's almost impossible to know, he could be the problem or this parents could.

Yes I'm ignorant and naive, I knew it went on but he's always seemed such a happy, chatty and positive lad, so what my daughter has just told me has thoroughly surprised me, even though people's comments have made me wake up a bit.

Before he arrived, I asked my daughter if everything was still going well with him, (which I regularly do) and that he was treating her right. She said yes and don't let on to him what I'm going to tell you. She went on to say that his dad is an abusive drunk and terrible when he's sober. He clearly prefers his brother to him too. He doesn't hit him but he did a few years ago, which he doesn't want to do anything about at the moment. He was kicked out but unsure if he wants to go back.

When he came I made small talk then said that I didn't want to the know the ins and outs but if you need any support/a chat then I'm here. Asked him if he was okay staying where he is and said yes.

I also mentioned to my daughter previous to him coming to tell him that if he needs help organising permanent housing I'll look at how to go about it with him.