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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

American Wedding

106 replies

Incog123 · 25/09/2022 23:41

Hi guys. So my FiL lives in America and has decided to get married early May 2023. I am currently 38 weeks pregnant with my 1st child. He has asked us to travel over for the wedding with our what will be 6 month old son so that they can meet him. My issue is..that it's a 20 hour 3 flight journey to where they live with a 6 month old as first time parents. We also live paycheck to paycheck, especially with the current cost of living crisis and the flights alone would cost us over £2000 which we really don't have. I am also adding my annual leave onto the end of my mat leave to give me a bit longer at home with the baby, which takes me back to work 2 weeks before the wedding leaving me no leave for the wedding itself.

My FiLs solution to all this is that we take a loan for the flights and I request unpaid leave for the wedding. He is insistent that we attend and won't take no for an answer.

We have never met or even spoken to the lady he is marrying, but he keeps referring to her family as my sons great grandma etc...which I also don't agree with. But FiL is trying to make me feel guilty by saying her family will be disappointed if they don't meet my son at the wedding.

AIBU is saying I won't even consider attending. The way i see it is that it was his choice to move to America 10 years ago, not ours. It's just not viable and I don't feel comfortable travelling that far for that long with a 6 month old. My husband is a real people pleaser (as am i tbf and i feel really guilty) and he feels bad about letting his Dad down, which I totally understand, but I'm having to put my foot down and say we just can't do it. I feel so stressed about the whole situation, I've had a rough pregnancy with morning sickness, SPD and gestational diabetes and this is just adding to the stress with 2 weeks to go to my due date!

What would you guys do please?

OP posts:
MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 25/09/2022 23:45

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't care a jot about FIL's insistence.

Puppyseahorse · 25/09/2022 23:46

20 hours to get from the U.K. to the US? Where on earth are they getting married?!

you have plenty of valid reasons not to go. I probably would not. The kicker for me would be the suggestion that you go into debt to come to this wedding, and take unpaid leave- what is this man thinking?!

if he is so desperate to have his new grandchild there, he can pay for your visit.

BritWifeInUSA · 25/09/2022 23:53

20 hours to get from the U.K. to the US? Where on earth are they getting married?!

I think she means four-to-door as she mentioned 3 flights. That sounds about right including the changing of planes.

OP, you don’t need a reason not to go. It’s not compulsory to attend someone’s wedding. I’m guessing it’s not his first marriage. Where is it taking place? Would you have to pay for accommodations also?

BritWifeInUSA · 25/09/2022 23:53

Door-to-door

Maray1967 · 25/09/2022 23:54

If you don’t have the money then he pays the whole fare. Just say no., otherwise. He can hardly force you to borrow money can he?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2022 23:56

He is insistent that we attend and won't take no for an answer.

Well, come on now. That's just silly isn't it? He can't demand anything, and he certainly will take no for answer when that's what you tell him. You tell him no and that there will be no further discussion on the matter. You can't afford it, end of, and why would you want to go to this prick's wedding anyway? He sounds insufferable.

Tell him no and stop discussing it.

EkinWho · 25/09/2022 23:57

Travelling with a baby isn't as bad or as daunting as it feels now. Going into debt is madness though. If he wants you there that badly he should pay.

cornishcrusader · 25/09/2022 23:59

It is much, much easier to travel with a six month old baby than with a toddler or older child.

Lollypop701 · 26/09/2022 00:00

So a loan and unpaid holiday… £3k debt for a wedding. It’s a no from me.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/09/2022 00:02

Absolutely fucking no way. Take out a loan and travel with your six month old on sufferance?! Nope, sorry. It’s a no. Stand firm.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/09/2022 00:02

His suggestion you get into debt probes he doesn’t give a shit about you or his grandson, just want to use you as accessories.

So just say no.

Original poster
Incog123 · 26/09/2022 00:04

North Dakota. Sorry I should have mentioned that the 20 hours includes the travel to/from airports, checking in 3 hours before long haul flights and the waiting for connections etc.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 26/09/2022 00:04

I wouldn't go, but I would let my dh decide if he wanted to go over in May, on his own and be there for the wedding, or if he preferred to make a plan to aim to go in 2025 or 2026 or whenever you think is feasible.
At the end of the day, it is his Dad.

MyMumSaysALot · 26/09/2022 00:08

Take out a loan and take unpaid leave AND fly across the Atlantic and half of America with a six-month-old baby?

Your FIL is an asshole. I presume he knows that there are flights from the U.S. to the U.K.? Remind him of that and that they’re welcome to fly over any old time.

”This just isn’t going to work, Bob, either financially or baby or work-wise. Please stop hassling us about it.” If he keeps it up, ask him why he can’t accept your perfectly reasonable explanation: NO. And we’re done arguing about it. And DO NOT APOLOGIZE for it or say you’re sorry. Be strong, @Incog123!!

Original poster
Incog123 · 26/09/2022 00:10

Oh yeah definitely im not that bad haha. I have told DH that we will scrape together enough money for him to go on his own to the wedding. But he doesn't want to travel alone, so not much more I can do there lol.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 26/09/2022 00:10

If he was paying, I would consider going but I way would I get into debt for it!

BritWifeInUSA · 26/09/2022 00:22

Incog123 · 26/09/2022 00:04

North Dakota. Sorry I should have mentioned that the 20 hours includes the travel to/from airports, checking in 3 hours before long haul flights and the waiting for connections etc.

Ah hell no. That’s a nightmare journey to the back of beyond. Nothing against ND, and it is beautiful in a remote, deserted way. But it’s a long way to a place that doesn’t hold too much excitement. Seen one wheat field and you’ve seen them all. If it was someplace you could add on a holiday for yourselves it might be worth considering. But no wedding is worth getting to debt for. Not even your own.

SiobhanSharpe · 26/09/2022 00:24

Tell your FIL and his new wife they are very welcome to come and meet the new grandchild any time after their wedding. You could even offer to put them up, if that's feasible.
(If he wants you to come to his wedding that much he could always pony up for the plane tickets himself.)

00100001 · 26/09/2022 00:25

Maybe FIL should take a loan for the flights if it's such a great idea... Suggest that to him ...

Original poster
Incog123 · 26/09/2022 00:26

BritWifeInUSA · 26/09/2022 00:22

Ah hell no. That’s a nightmare journey to the back of beyond. Nothing against ND, and it is beautiful in a remote, deserted way. But it’s a long way to a place that doesn’t hold too much excitement. Seen one wheat field and you’ve seen them all. If it was someplace you could add on a holiday for yourselves it might be worth considering. But no wedding is worth getting to debt for. Not even your own.

Show quote history

Yeah, we have done the journey to visit before and it was horrendous..without a baby. And that was when we could get a direct flight from our local airport to New York. Now we have to go via Amsterdam which just makes the whole journey even longer! There was literally nothing to do there when we visited before, so like you say, not exactly a holiday destination lol.

OP posts:
00100001 · 26/09/2022 00:27

When he says he won't take no for an answer... What's he going to do? Fly over here, handcuff you all to him and drag you to the airport and shove you in the planes and get your to his wedding???

00100001 · 26/09/2022 00:27

To be fair. You'll be absolutely fine flying with a 6m old.

However the man is insane

Musti · 26/09/2022 00:28

If he really wants you there he can pay. I flew to the other side of the world for my brother’s wedding with my 4 month old on my own. Was hard on the way back when I had to spend hours in Charles de Gaulle with a baby who needed entertaining and I hadn’t slept. But would have been fine with someone with me. However, I wouldn’t take out a loan to go to someone’s wedding.

Original poster
Incog123 · 26/09/2022 00:28

SiobhanSharpe · 26/09/2022 00:24

Tell your FIL and his new wife they are very welcome to come and meet the new grandchild any time after their wedding. You could even offer to put them up, if that's feasible.
(If he wants you to come to his wedding that much he could always pony up for the plane tickets himself.)

We have suggested this and even said we will organise a party here with all his UK family to celebrate. But I think the issue is that he wants his wife to be's family to meet our son and I'm guessing they won't travel over here!

OP posts:
Original poster
Incog123 · 26/09/2022 00:30

00100001 · 26/09/2022 00:27

When he says he won't take no for an answer... What's he going to do? Fly over here, handcuff you all to him and drag you to the airport and shove you in the planes and get your to his wedding???

Well no lol, but bordering on harassment with the constant messages. Just don't need it with how uncomfortable, hormonal and exhausted I am at 38 weeks pregnant!

OP posts: