American Wedding

[Incog123]

Hi guys. So my FiL lives in America and has decided to get married early May 2023. I am currently 38 weeks pregnant with my 1st child. He has asked us to travel over for the wedding with our what will be 6 month old son so that they can meet him. My issue is..that it's a 20 hour 3 flight journey to where they live with a 6 month old as first time parents. We also live paycheck to paycheck, especially with the current cost of living crisis and the flights alone would cost us over £2000 which we really don't have. I am also adding my annual leave onto the end of my mat leave to give me a bit longer at home with the baby, which takes me back to work 2 weeks before the wedding leaving me no leave for the wedding itself.

My FiLs solution to all this is that we take a loan for the flights and I request unpaid leave for the wedding. He is insistent that we attend and won't take no for an answer.

We have never met or even spoken to the lady he is marrying, but he keeps referring to her family as my sons great grandma etc...which I also don't agree with. But FiL is trying to make me feel guilty by saying her family will be disappointed if they don't meet my son at the wedding.

AIBU is saying I won't even consider attending. The way i see it is that it was his choice to move to America 10 years ago, not ours. It's just not viable and I don't feel comfortable travelling that far for that long with a 6 month old. My husband is a real people pleaser (as am i tbf and i feel really guilty) and he feels bad about letting his Dad down, which I totally understand, but I'm having to put my foot down and say we just can't do it. I feel so stressed about the whole situation, I've had a rough pregnancy with morning sickness, SPD and gestational diabetes and this is just adding to the stress with 2 weeks to go to my due date!

What would you guys do please?

If he’s so insistent on celebrating his wedding with you, he should fly to you.

We have suggested this and even offered to pay to put on a party over here. But he wants us to take the baby there so that her family can meet him.

Well no lol, but bordering on harassment with the constant messages. Just don't need it with how uncomfortable, hormonal and exhausted I am at 38 weeks pregnant!

Block him from your phone, obviously. It's so ridiculous that you are allowing him to harass you.

I found travelling long distances much easier when they were babies (frequent naps, no whingeing or exclaiming “I’m bored” and all the faces around them keep them entertained) however expecting you to fork out for flights and take unpaid leave is ludicrous. I wouldn’t be going into debt for someone else’s wedding!

Separating it out.

Travel itself is fine even with a 6 month old baby.

Going into debt to pay to go is not fine.

Re leave - if you wanted to go you wouldn't add the leave to the end of maternity leave but save it to be able to go.

The reality is you don't want to go but that is OK too.

If your DH wants to go to his DF's wedding would you be able to afford for just him to go by way of compromise?

Tbf, the reality of the situation is that we can't afford it and I refuse to get into debt to be able to. The way our paydays fall, as we get paid 4 weekly, we don't have to pay our mortgage out of our January paycheck, so I did suggest that DH uses that £900 to go on his own. But he doesn't want to travel alone, he's tried convincing his sister to go with him, but she doesn't want to go and has told her Dad she's not going, which he has no issue with. The issue is purely with us not going.

Weddings are an idiotic waste of money for all involved - including the guests your case. Just skip it and send a card with a gift card enclosed.

You don't need this stress. Tell your DH that if he wants to go the two of you will need to find a way without incurring debt. But that you and Baby will not be attending, period, and that as it is his father causing the ructions, it is therefore HIS job to handle any 'fallout' on your behalf. Then refuse to discuss things with the old goat or be part of any conversations.

He has no power to 'make' you and DH do anything unless you give him the power yourselves.

If you can't afford it you can't afford it. Getting into debt for anything non essential is crazy especially in the current climate and with a young baby. If you are living paycheck to paycheck how would you pay it back?

Your husband is being a bit pathetic wanting to drag a 6 month old baby on a 20 hour flight so he doesnt have to go on his own...with a 6 month old, most people would find that time alone complete bliss! What does he think a screaming infant and stressed wife would add to his journey?

Well there you go… you’ve offered alternatives and have decided not to go. Job done as far as I’m concerned. Let your DH deal with him and move on.

The problem with people pleasers is that they aren't clear. They want to be kind and nice and make everyone feel better.

No, you need to rip off the plaster., "FIL you need to stop asking. We won't be attending and getting into debt. I won't be answering a single other text about this". And done. Vacillating makes people believe it's a negotiation. It's not. It's a no. Your no isn't the start of the conversation, it's the end.

It's a no from me

Hi OP. I'm an immigrant from Scotland now living in New Zealand, who has been guilt tripped into dragging babies and toddlers across the globe on huge journeys with lots of plane changes.

IT IS THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL.

Sorry, but it really is truely awful. I have always done it on my own, and my journey is longer than yours, so maybe it wouldn't be quite so bad for you, but I am sure it will still not be a pleasant experience.

FIL sounds like a bit of a dick anyway, from what you've said about him in your post. Telling you to take out loans and unpaid leave?! What a wanker. I'd tell him you wish him all the best for the big day and then not entertain his selfish nonsense any further.

Suggesting you take out a loan is crazy! It's a shame he lives too far away for his new wife's family to meet your baby, but that's life. It's not your fault, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

If he wants you to go so badly he needs to pay (and even then you may choose not to make the journey with a young baby). Your DH needs to say a clear no to him, I can’t believe he suggested you take a loan!

What an absolute bare faced cheek telling you to take out a loan to pay to go to his wedding.

I would have shut that down the minute those words were uttered. He should not be putting you under this stress. His second marriage does not trump your first baby.

You have suggested your husband goes alone and if he doesn't want to go - tell your DH and your FIL that is the end and you don't want to hear anymore about it.

And to all the posters above who are lucky enough to have babies who flew like winged cherubs. I had twins and only had to fly from the UK to Scandinavia but it was the stuff of nightmares. Stereo screaming babies, despite booking flights to coincide with their nap times, despite feeding them - calpoling (not proud but desperate) at the check in desk. By the time we landed, I was also crying.

Good luck OP

People pleaser DH can go and take the baby with him, if he can't stand up to his father the way his sister has.

Absolutely say no to this hare brained idea. Does your FIL have a problem with impulse control?

Repeat that they happy couple simply must come and visit you in the UK.

On another note, North Dakota is home to a portion of the Badlands, if you like bleak and forbidding landscapes and star-filled night skies.

You’re being perfectly reasonable to say no to this. As others have said, travelling with a baby isn’t impossible, but that doesn’t sound the easiest journey, and that’s before you get into the fact that you cannot afford to do this. Tell him no, be firm and clear that you will not be changing your mind and if he continues to harass you about it, block him. You don’t need this in the late stages of your pregnancy and you will not need it with a newborn, trust me.

Stand your ground OP, it's terrible that you and your growing family are being put into this situation after you've politely apologised for not being able to make it.

It's not feasible to go into debt for holiday flights, it's bad enough trying to make ends meet every week for most. If your FIL ups his harassment is he also up for his calls/contact to be heavy screened too?

Can you imagine in your wildest dreams, OP, ever allowing your own father to harrass your DH like this when he was the equivalent of heavily pregnant with the equivalent of two separate pregnancy related illnesses, one of which was extremely painful? No? Me neither.

I agree with the pp saying that you should block the horrible FiL.

Then tell your wet lettuce of a husband to step up and deal with his unhinged father and that - and this is important - you don't want to hear another word about it. Ever. It's done now. There's nothing left to negotiate, or say. You need to get ready for the birth of the baby, and so DH and strange FiL can take their little drama someplace else.

Tell FIL you'll more than happily be there with your son...

...via video link.

Tell him to set up the technology and you'll show your boy off to anyone who wants to look at him, safe from the comfort of your UK sofa that hasn't cost you a penny in unpaid leave or flights.

No way would I go. He has no right to insist you go into debt to attend his wedding. Especially given you've never met the wife-to-be. And his insistence that you bring your baby and acting as if his fiancées family is your baby's family is just weird. That would out me right off.

Absolutely and entirely DO NOT TRAVEL TO NORTH DAKOTA for this nonsense. I mean at least he picked May; when I first read this I thought it was six months from now and that you were contemplating North Dakota in March, which is particularly absurd with an infant. No: it's his choice, and it's his doing.

Only exceptions: he's a wildly wealthy rancher who wants to treat you to private transport from point A to point B. But that's maybe me watching too much Yellowstone (although that's Montana).

Cheeky sod. No I wouldn't be doing that either, regardless of how much he insists. If they want to see your DC so badly, they can come and visit after the wedding.
He sounds very entitled, and I wouldn't put myself in debt for him!
Be clear - tell him you're not going. If he keeps insisting etc - just repeat yourself and say you're not willing to keep discussing it as your decision will not change.

Absolutely this! 😂