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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

American Wedding

106 replies

Incog123 · 25/09/2022 23:41

Hi guys. So my FiL lives in America and has decided to get married early May 2023. I am currently 38 weeks pregnant with my 1st child. He has asked us to travel over for the wedding with our what will be 6 month old son so that they can meet him. My issue is..that it's a 20 hour 3 flight journey to where they live with a 6 month old as first time parents. We also live paycheck to paycheck, especially with the current cost of living crisis and the flights alone would cost us over £2000 which we really don't have. I am also adding my annual leave onto the end of my mat leave to give me a bit longer at home with the baby, which takes me back to work 2 weeks before the wedding leaving me no leave for the wedding itself.

My FiLs solution to all this is that we take a loan for the flights and I request unpaid leave for the wedding. He is insistent that we attend and won't take no for an answer.

We have never met or even spoken to the lady he is marrying, but he keeps referring to her family as my sons great grandma etc...which I also don't agree with. But FiL is trying to make me feel guilty by saying her family will be disappointed if they don't meet my son at the wedding.

AIBU is saying I won't even consider attending. The way i see it is that it was his choice to move to America 10 years ago, not ours. It's just not viable and I don't feel comfortable travelling that far for that long with a 6 month old. My husband is a real people pleaser (as am i tbf and i feel really guilty) and he feels bad about letting his Dad down, which I totally understand, but I'm having to put my foot down and say we just can't do it. I feel so stressed about the whole situation, I've had a rough pregnancy with morning sickness, SPD and gestational diabetes and this is just adding to the stress with 2 weeks to go to my due date!

What would you guys do please?

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 26/09/2022 05:28

Could I just add that we have a cost of living crisis: I wouldn't be borrowing ANY money at present because in 6-12 months time I'm worried about where we are likely to be in that respect. No-one needs to have the worry of how to pay for essential due to a wedding. Your DH just needs to say firmly that you can't afford it, and then say no more.

00100001 · 26/09/2022 07:05

Incog123 · 26/09/2022 00:30

Well no lol, but bordering on harassment with the constant messages. Just don't need it with how uncomfortable, hormonal and exhausted I am at 38 weeks pregnant!

Show quote history

Not funny really though, is it?

Why are you being pinged about this and not your DH?

DH needs to step up here.

FurAndFeathers · 26/09/2022 07:12

You can’t afford it.
you’ve offered resonabke alternatives.
your DH needs to step up and speak to his father rather than allowing you to be harassed.

tell DH you aren’t going and won’t get into debt for it.
he is welcome to go if he wants.
he needs to take responsibility for speaking to his dad about it.
if FIL messages you then grey rock/tell him he needs to speak to DH.

ThePelicansBriefs · 26/09/2022 07:19

What a shame him putting all that guilt and pressure on you. He really should be offering to pay to sweeten the deal if he wants you there that badly.

MissingNashville · 26/09/2022 07:19

Tell him no. Ignore messages. Block him if you have to.

maslinpan · 26/09/2022 07:25

And why has your DH's sister been "allowed" to refuse the invitation? Is she less of a people pleaser? Follow her example and keep saying NO.

yikesanotherbooboo · 26/09/2022 07:29

I wouldn't go into debt for someone else's wedding and I think it is wildly unreasonable of FIL to expect you to.
If money was available I wouldn't object to the journey and would fiddle with my holidays to make it work.I would want to attend if possible and for my DH to be able to go.

Chanel05 · 26/09/2022 07:30

If you can't afford it then that's it. I'm sure you'd love to visit one day but unless he's willing to pay, you won't be going.

SpringIntoChaos · 26/09/2022 07:36

I honestly don't understand posts like this OP...where grown adults say that they are being 'forced' into doing something that they don't want to do...when a simple 'hell no!' would work perfectly!

What is it about this particular situation, that makes your FIL's 'wants' more important than your own? Nothing!! Nobody is forcing you to do anything...except your own inability to definitively put your foot down! And as for your DH...he sounds like a complete wet blanket! Can't tell his dad to sod off, won't go 'without you' (HUGE 🙄 here!!!) and let's you take all the flack!! FML! What's wrong with him? 🙄

lljkk · 26/09/2022 07:58

No way I would take a loan for this. Nobody should take a loan to attend someone else's wedding.
I missed my grandmother's 80th birthday party when I had a 7m old baby (far end of USA). I couldn't face the jetlag.

Flossie2shoes · 26/09/2022 08:23

No - your DH shouldn't go on his own - you can't afford that either. This is not the time to be spending money you can't afford.
You need to get a bit full and final about this. You tell DH not just how you feel, but that you do not want to put the family into debt, or be short of money, because of this. You also can't commit to such a journey with a little baby who you haven't even met yet.
You tell him that he must send a message to his dad firmly and finally telling him this, but also telling him that he must now stop hassling you both about it. He needs to tell his dad that he is making you stressed and ill in the late stages of pregnancy and that is not acceptable. If he cares about you both he will respect your wishes and not mention this again. Then you both need to be strong enough to at least ignore any more hassle from him, or possibly block him for a while.

Stand up for yourselves.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 26/09/2022 08:29

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2022 02:44

The problem with people pleasers is that they aren't clear. They want to be kind and nice and make everyone feel better.

No, you need to rip off the plaster., "FIL you need to stop asking. We won't be attending and getting into debt. I won't be answering a single other text about this". And done. Vacillating makes people believe it's a negotiation. It's not. It's a no. Your no isn't the start of the conversation, it's the end.

This with bells on.

If you’re both people pleasers I’m willing to bet that you’ve been quite woolly with the way you’ve communicated all this (unlike DH’s sister by the sound of it), and very much left the door open to further discussion. And since you have form for being accommodating he thinks he can wear you down and guilt you into doing exactly what he wants, even from thousands of miles away.

Nobody has the right to demand you travel halfway round the world (especially with a young baby) and take on debt you can’t afford just to please them - especially when the CF has no intention of doing anything of the sort for you!

Just shut it down, say no very clearly and try to let go of your stress.

mighteeaphroditee · 26/09/2022 08:41

Not sure how FIL feels about his son going alone (though you said he doesn't want to) but you've already said he isn't bothered about his daughter refusing. Seems that adult attendance is not the issue here ?

So, why the big obsession with meeting your baby on the part of FIL's future wife and her family ? To the point that the impact on you all of making that happen is being dismissed ?

Katyaadlerscoat · 26/09/2022 08:51

Why can't your adult husband travel on his own? And I bet the future bride's family won't give 2 hoots about your baby, frankly

Snog · 26/09/2022 08:55

A loving father would not expect his son to get into debt to come to his wedding.

Just tell him you can't get the leave, it's not a right that you can take unpaid leave if you have used up all your leave.

Anamechangeisasgoodasarest · 26/09/2022 09:09

He is insistent that we attend and won't take no for an answer

Could you explain how he will enforce this?

Is he going to employ someone to bundle you into a car and onto a flight (that you haven't actually booked in the first place)?

Is he going to arrange for your childs first passport?

Cw112 · 26/09/2022 09:11

He's being unreasonable in insisting you go!

beachcitygirl · 26/09/2022 09:13

OP my every sympathy and your fil is being a twat
BUT
Your dh NEEDS to step us, tell his dad a firm non-negotiable NO & have you left out of this now, it's all completely unreasonable and Hulu do not need the stress. Flowers ps have a safe delivery xx

rosiebl · 26/09/2022 09:15

In the famous words of MN, "no" is a complete sentence. Just block him if he keeps messaging you.

Charley50 · 26/09/2022 09:16

What a bellend! So weird this desperation to see a tiny baby, that isn't actually related to his new wife.

JimmyShoo · 26/09/2022 09:21

Tell your FIL that you can’t afford it and if it means that much to him he’s welcome to take out the loan for you to fly over instead.

MiseryWIthAStent · 26/09/2022 09:22

A loan and unpaid leave for someone else's wedding is madness.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/09/2022 09:23

Certainly wouldn’t be going. If he’s so keen, he can take a honeymoon where you live.

Elieza · 26/09/2022 09:32

It’s a nice idea for family to all be together. But the realities when some family live abroad are a different story.

So for a one hour wedding (and a five hour reception or whatever length it is) youve to spend HOW many hours travelling, wow.
AND paying off debt for about four years.

When you put it like that does it make it any easier to see how much of a no this is?

How’s the sister getting away with this so lightly? Does the bride ‘just LOVE babies” or something that the father is trying to drag you over to show her one (a baby who will realistically probably puke on her dress so she won’t want to hold him/her anyway).

Tell the dad that you’re gutted that you just can’t come. I’d even lie a bit and say your application for a loan was rejected so that’s that. No money = Can’t do it. (Then you’re blaming the bad loan company for letting down the big day rather than yourselves).

Id suggest you invite the sister up to yours and all of you put in your best fancy togs and video link in on one link for the big day if possible.

Pwrhsps they could come to the U.K. next year for a vow renewal or something at a local church/castle/beauty spot/whatever as Americans love that stuff as their architecture isn’t as old? And it gives the bride another chance to wear her wedding dress? Just make sure there is NO INDICATION that you will pay. Word it carefully. Very very carefully.

Fgsvirgin · 26/09/2022 09:37

I think if it was purely down to the fact you are worried about the flight, I’d be telling you that you should go. You could look at having a layover that took in a night at an airport hotel or a mini break within the larger trip.

But for all the other reasons you have set out; the cost being prohibitive and the fact you won’t have much leave left for the rest of your working year, I think you are a absolutely within reason to be saying no.