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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

American Wedding

106 replies

Incog123 · 25/09/2022 23:41

Hi guys. So my FiL lives in America and has decided to get married early May 2023. I am currently 38 weeks pregnant with my 1st child. He has asked us to travel over for the wedding with our what will be 6 month old son so that they can meet him. My issue is..that it's a 20 hour 3 flight journey to where they live with a 6 month old as first time parents. We also live paycheck to paycheck, especially with the current cost of living crisis and the flights alone would cost us over £2000 which we really don't have. I am also adding my annual leave onto the end of my mat leave to give me a bit longer at home with the baby, which takes me back to work 2 weeks before the wedding leaving me no leave for the wedding itself.

My FiLs solution to all this is that we take a loan for the flights and I request unpaid leave for the wedding. He is insistent that we attend and won't take no for an answer.

We have never met or even spoken to the lady he is marrying, but he keeps referring to her family as my sons great grandma etc...which I also don't agree with. But FiL is trying to make me feel guilty by saying her family will be disappointed if they don't meet my son at the wedding.

AIBU is saying I won't even consider attending. The way i see it is that it was his choice to move to America 10 years ago, not ours. It's just not viable and I don't feel comfortable travelling that far for that long with a 6 month old. My husband is a real people pleaser (as am i tbf and i feel really guilty) and he feels bad about letting his Dad down, which I totally understand, but I'm having to put my foot down and say we just can't do it. I feel so stressed about the whole situation, I've had a rough pregnancy with morning sickness, SPD and gestational diabetes and this is just adding to the stress with 2 weeks to go to my due date!

What would you guys do please?

OP posts:

Rewis · 26/09/2022 09:37

Since he is not fussed about daughter going, is it all about the baby? As in if your husband went alone then that wouldn't be good enough? If he paid for it, would you go then?

Polimolly · 26/09/2022 09:42

I'm laughing at the "won't take no for an answer". What's he going to do? Come over and kidnap you? Stop pampering him and tell him straight. He either pays for all costs or he comes over with his wife after the wedding, or whatever other solution he can think of. It's not your responsibility to ensure his new family meets his grandson

BeanyBops · 26/09/2022 09:51

@cornishcrusader respectfully, this was not my experience. My colicky refluxy bottle fed nap refusing baby would have been a nightmare on a plane at that age. Nowadays she'd happily sit and watch bluey for 20 hours (not proud of that fact).

I'd have been screwed if I'd made the commitment OP is being asked to make.

wonkylegs · 26/09/2022 10:36

I would have been ok with the travel aspect with a 6mth old (however that's in hindsight and after knowing what my kids were like as yours isn't born yet who knows what they will be like) however the biggest issue is affordability.
If you can't afford it, and also need to take unpaid leave this would be ringing alarm bells especially in a period when most people are struggling anyway.
Inflation and exchange rates are going to make an unaffordable trip even if you might be able to scrape it together atm, miserable for a long time after the wedding has passed.
If you were very close or really wanted to go (and if this was the case I suspect the relative wouldn't put you in such a position) then it might be more logical but this isn't the case with this.
You know your FIL is being unreasonable and you just need to be clear it's not going to happen and you won't discuss it further.
It's hard but there is no other way.

AuntieStella · 26/09/2022 10:49

a) I think it's for FIL to sort out with his DC, not you. But obviously you two need to be sure you have an agreed and firm position

b) do not take out a loan or get in to any other large debt for this. Having a mildly more expensive holiday than you would have chosen is one thing, but driving coach and horses through your budget is not on

c) if it ever did become affordable, then perhaps you could amend your return to work dates? You could return a little earlier and then spend that time with your baby during this trip. You'd still have the same amount of time off with your baby, just distributed a bit differently

Blocked · 26/09/2022 10:53

'Sorry no. We can't afford it.' And repeat. Tell him to set up a zoom or something.

10HailMarys · 26/09/2022 10:56

My FiLs solution to all this is that we take a loan for the flights and I request unpaid leave for the wedding. He is insistent that we attend and won't take no for an answer.

So fucking what? He's being a dick. He lives in bloody North Dakota, it's not like he's going to come round and throw a brick through your window.

GreenManalishi · 26/09/2022 10:58

No. Why? Because I don't want to. The end.

Your DH needs to take a lead from his sister who has obviously been blessed with the family backbone, and say you won't be going. If he says it clear enough, he will only need to say it once. I think he's probably kicking it down the road for fear of confrontation, not making himself clear which is leaving room for this ridiculous behaviour by FIL.

Let your DH know that either he tells his dad, or you will deal with it. Tell him to stop people pleasing and say that you and the baby won't be going, and decide if he's going alone, that's up to him. If he doesn't want to, fine, you're not under any obligation to drag your baby out there to hold your DH's hand.

You don't get to tell people to go into debt for any reason, let alone this one.

If the FIL is keen to meet the baby, then he knows where you live. If a 30 hour flight/money is no big issue, then he won't have a problem with popping over to see you.

DahliaDreamer · 26/09/2022 11:17

Incog123 · 26/09/2022 00:10

Oh yeah definitely im not that bad haha. I have told DH that we will scrape together enough money for him to go on his own to the wedding. But he doesn't want to travel alone, so not much more I can do there lol.

Doesn't want to travel alone? oh for gods sake how old is he? Tell him to man up

BeanStew22 · 26/09/2022 11:38

Maray1967 · 25/09/2022 23:54

If you don’t have the money then he pays the whole fare. Just say no., otherwise. He can hardly force you to borrow money can he?

^ this

You cannot go into debt to attend a wedding: that would be madness

Kite22 · 26/09/2022 13:23

Agree with everyone else.
I would just say "We aren't able to come. The offer is still there, for when you and new wife want to come over to the UK to introduce us all, dh and sister will arrange a party or some sort of gathering so you will have the opportunity to spend time with ALL your family over here", then, like you would with a child, distract with a question about something else.

If he persists, I would be asking "which part of my last message didn't you understand ?".

SillySausage81 · 26/09/2022 13:27

EkinWho · 25/09/2022 23:57

Travelling with a baby isn't as bad or as daunting as it feels now. Going into debt is madness though. If he wants you there that badly he should pay.

This. He seems to think money is a trivial matter... which suggests he's got much more of it than you have.

Iloveacurry · 26/09/2022 13:33

I wouldn’t go. Sounds like he just wants to show off his new grandchild, if he’s not that bothered about his daughter going! Just ignore him and his messages.

candycaneframe · 26/09/2022 13:35

I'd be sending DH with the baby, it's a reasonable compromise.

Frazzled2207 · 26/09/2022 13:40

cornishcrusader · 25/09/2022 23:59

It is much, much easier to travel with a six month old baby than with a toddler or older child.

I agree, but it’s not worth getting yourself in thousands of pounds worth of debt

yanbu at all not to go. However as it’s his dad your dp should consider going alone.

averageavocado · 26/09/2022 13:45

FFS - say no, and then block alerts from and ignore

ItsDinah · 26/09/2022 14:04

Does someone think your husband has substantial savings,earns a lot more money than he does or is living mortgage free due to a gift or inheritance of purchase price some years ago? I've seen similar scenarios arise where this is the case.

maddy68 · 26/09/2022 14:06

It won't take 20 hours?

A 6 month old travels well.

Those two issues aren't the problem.

If you can't afford it you say no.
Maybe the fil will pay ?

The holiday entitlement is being unreasonable. This is your partner's family. You can go for a week. Just take a week less next to your mat leave

Anamechangeisasgoodasarest · 26/09/2022 14:13

It won't take 20 hours?

OP is talking about door to door including a couple of plane changes.

Why do you think it won't take 20 hours?

SpinCityBlue · 26/09/2022 14:23

Or you could offer to just send the baby by international courier.

LeFeu · 26/09/2022 14:28

If he wants you there he should pay!

Kite22 · 26/09/2022 15:31

SpinCityBlue · 26/09/2022 14:23

Or you could offer to just send the baby by international courier.

NeedToKnow101 · 26/09/2022 19:25

10HailMarys · 26/09/2022 10:56

My FiLs solution to all this is that we take a loan for the flights and I request unpaid leave for the wedding. He is insistent that we attend and won't take no for an answer.

So fucking what? He's being a dick. He lives in bloody North Dakota, it's not like he's going to come round and throw a brick through your window.

😂😂😂

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2022 20:03

maddy68 · 26/09/2022 14:06

It won't take 20 hours?

A 6 month old travels well.

Those two issues aren't the problem.

If you can't afford it you say no.
Maybe the fil will pay ?

The holiday entitlement is being unreasonable. This is your partner's family. You can go for a week. Just take a week less next to your mat leave

Cobblers.

Not all babies travel well. Mine did but I've been on lanes with absolute nightmares.

Yes, it can take 20 hours for to door. Or even planes if it's a weird route.

Mat leave is important. OP can do as she pleases.

FIL hasn't offered to pay even though he's aware they can't afford it. He thinks debt is the answer.

Gysophilla · 26/09/2022 20:08

super easy travelling with a breast fed 6 month old - have done that LHR to NZ several times over the years single handed (and with a 3 year old as well one memorable time while DH was working).

However you can’t afford this. You live from pay check to pay check. If you have a loan for this and then have another big expense (car or boiler exploding) it could tip you into poverty or bankruptcy.

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