the writer Lisa Jewell's parenting style

Hi Lisa!!!
I love you and think we should be bffs. 🥰🥰
(Playing it cool)

No worries! It's your right to express your opinion! Thanks for giving my books a chance at least 😊 And be warned, Mumsnet is SWARMING with authors 😁

This is a good example and something I would like to ask parents who claim they always let their children do what they want. Seriously, what do they do if their child refuses to brush their teeth? Do they really just say, "fine, whatever you want"?
I find this hard to believe. Either they have extremely sensibile children who never go through a difficult phase (very unlikely) or they are kidding themselves about their parenting style.

Oooh, Lisa Jewell is here!? And I have to say (not just being a brownnose) I think her points make complete sense and I was going to post a version of that.

I believe strongly in letting children have choices and not controlling every aspect of their lives, but for young children especially, letting them do what they like is ridiculous. They don't understand the consequences. If DS had his way, he'd have been down the sweet shop at age 5 - but he had the road sense of a dead slug so would probably have died the very first time he did it. Instead, we practiced road crossing and walking in public etc and then allowed it when he had demonstrated to us that he knew what he was doing.

As he gets older, and understands the concept of consequences more, he is getting more and more freedom. So yes, I remind him to do his homework etc, but he knows if he doesn't do it, he will get detention and miss his sports groups and that is what drives him to do it.

He has a good friend whose mum is completely on the other end of the spectrum. His mum is tearing her hair out because her child is so "difficult" and the rest of us can see that this poor kid is hugely frustrated by a complete lack of control over his own life. But she refuses to listen to anyone and it's getting worse and worse. It's heartbreaking.

I have 4, all 18 and over and I long ago realised that raising kids is so much better when you decide to say yes infinitely more than you say no. That isn’t being a doormat but it does teach kids that when you do say no, they respect it. Or at least, that’s been my experience and I think my adult kids are pretty cool human beings.

megletthesecond · Yesterday 17:38
I'd guess it's parenting for people with a lot of money and no fear of social services.

Totally agree! This kind of parenting is usually the preserve of silly people with more money than sense. They teach their kids the lesson that you can do anything and just pay for the consequences by throwing money at them.

Not a long-term strategy, and while the kids are probably 'lovely' with them, how do we know they are not entitled horrors in the outside world? It used to be called 'spoiling'!

This.

I grew up in a very ‘no’ household and most of the time it was a no for no reason at all. As in ‘Can I play outside’ - “No because we are eating in 90 minutes” kind of thing.

My kids probably have the run of me but days are easier if I just say yea to stuff.

I can’t believe the real LJ is here - so when people ask if celebrities use MN we can say a bit fat yes 😁

Agree - I'm a pick your battles/don't sweat the small stuff parent in terms of saying yes to things like painting their room black, going out in the rain with no coat, shaving half their hair off.

But if I let my 12 year old do what he wanted he wouldn't brush his teeth, wear his glasses or wear a bike helmet.

What do you do in that situation? It's one thing to say well if they don't do their homework they will get a detention, or if they stay up all night they will be tired and miserable the next day.
But if the 'natural consequence' is getting a painful cavity or losing a tooth, or cracking their head open on a curb, do you really just stay back and let them do it?

Being allowed to stay out all night, drink, take drugs, hang out in parks etc seems great as a teen but as adults looking back it can seem like no-one cared enough to try to keep you safe.

So cool to have@LisaJ68 pop in to the thread! (Also love your books - just finished The Night She Disappeared and it is your best yet, I think.) Am going through peri-menopause with a 16yo DD so will listen to the pod. I think I've got to the stage with two teens where, to my surprise, the three of us are all quite chilled - my boundaries and rules since they got past the 'will definitely run in front of a car' age have been pretty wide, so there's not a lot to push up against, but they are definitely there and are respected. I say yes far more than no, try to strike a balance between having a lovely time together and encouraging them to make good choices, and it is a lot easier for everyone and leads to a much more relaxed relationship and good conversations than DH's more authoritarian approach.

When I was growing up my parents were very hands off; around secondary school age my Mum would let me pretty much do what I like. I honestly look back and wonder what the hell she was thinking, the number of very vulnerable situations I got myself into as a young adult are quite hard to look back on. And there were little things like in the summer holidays I'd stay up all night on the internet and sleep all day for weeks, didn't go out and see friends or do anything vageuly healthy. I remember my hair getting all matted a couple of times she didn't make me brush it! As soon as I was a bit older I was going out drinking and living a very chaotic life, did very poorly at A-levels, eventually got things together at University when I scraped into one somehow (but again a lot of poor life choices along the way).

I did turn out okay eventually though!

My daughter is young, but I think my parenting style will involve far more boundaries and encouragement of healthy behaviours, rather than just letting her make poor choices and fail to intervene!

@UsernameIsCopied @Connie2468 Thank you! Things on my list I can see letting slide are homework (will back off a bit once she has been at secondary for half a term and is more used to it), screen time (they already get a lot but yeah whatever) but teeth, table manners, major backchat etc is basic stuff. I don't care much about messy rooms, spending all day in pyjamas, going out without coats etc and try to say yes when I can so maybe I'm already more chilled than I thought.