the writer Lisa Jewell's parenting style

[Lordofwrongness]

I listened to a podcast with the writer Lisa Jewell last week that I keep thinking about. She was saying that when her two girls were toddlers, she met a woman at a party who had four teenage girls. Lisa said that must be a tough gig and the woman said no, it's lovely. Her secret: Let them do whatever they want to do and always be kind.

Lisa now has two teens - a fifteen year old and a nineteen year old. She adopted that philosophy and swears by it. Home was harmonious, she was always a big soft pillow regardless of how her kids talked to her and they're not perfect, they've made a lot of mistakes (the girls) but it seems to have worked. The eldest, who was a pain in the ass, is now gorgeous and wonderful etc.

It made me think. I struggle so much with boundaries - I worry that if we let DS, for example, do whatever he wanted, he'd literally never stop gaming. This is a genuine fear. He's MAD about screen. But maybe I should just become completely hands off, never ever react, be kind and soft - and trust it will pull through!

Just interested in what people think about this approach

[Dacadactyl]

@Squirrelsquirrel

I practice a permissive parenting style like this.

My 13 Yr old hasn't brushed his teeth in 5 weeks but it's not a big deal because he is too busy gaming to leave the house anyway, not even for school. I asked him to brush them yesterday and he swore at me, pointed out that he only eats takeaway pizza so teeth aren't important and slammed the door on me.

He has promised me that he'll go out next week though because he's planning on meeting someone he met online who says he's 13 too. It will be a big adventure for him because he's going by himself to a city 100 miles away. I'm just glad he's up for it really because last week he was watching tiktok and saw people eating raw chicken so he tried it and was in hospital for.a few days. I think that's where he started smoking tbh.

I don't believe in saying no and explaining why when necessary. He doesn't need my experience and knowledge to guide him. I mean, how will he know not to meet strangers from online without actually doing it? Learn by experience and all that.

😂

[gnilliwdog]

@QueenoftheAngles Thank you. Sorry I was snappy.

[Thepeopleversuswork]

@Connie2468

I have a couple of friends who had this kind of parenting as they grew up - no rules, no boundaries. Could go clubbing if they wanted as teenagers, stayed out all night, did whatever they wanted.
Got through it and have turned into responsible members of society but experienced a lot of dangerous and scary situations as teenagers and now feel they were kind of neglected.

Definitely not raising their own children the same way.

Exactly this. The net effect of this style of parenting is to make the child feel the parent couldn’t be bothered

[crosbystillsandmash]

It's very much down to personality. I'm extremely calm and soft natured and was always destined to parent this way.
My 2 dc have it easy with me but there are some boundaries and lots of mutual respect and they clearly both adore me.

[charliee112]

@Squirrelsquirrel but that's not how it works at all. They aren't feral kids. Well my child isn't anyway.

[Connie2468]

@Vintagevixen

Think people are getting confused - I don't let DD do whatever she wants. It's not neglectful or permissive parenting by any means.

Challenges are talked through. Boundaries are there. She is very aware I love her and am interested in her. None of those are missing. I just do it in different ways (modelling, discussion, humour, empathy) because that's what suits our family of 2 and our personalities. Fully appreciate it will be different for others.

The thread's about letting children do what they like though?

[ArgieBargie]

Also I had very few rules growing up cos I outwardly didn’t need them; very well-behaved, ‘good child’, worked hard at school etc. But the result was I felt the need to create them for myself and my younger brother, and the rules I did create, especially for myself, were much harsher than they needed to be. And I always felt solely responsible for myself and also responsible for both my brother and actually my mum, cos the feeling was ‘if I don’t push him to do his homework, mum won’t and he won’t do it and that’s not ok or fair on him’. So basically I ended up parenting myself and kids don’t do the best job of that, even if outwardly they’re beautifully behaved; it just gave me (or at least contributed to)a really profound sense of responsibility, guilt and fear of failure.

[Vintagevixen]

@Connie2468

The thread's about letting children do what they like though?

I don't think that's true - some people keep misinterpreting this kind of parenting and saying it is but it isn't.

[bob78]

I don't think it's healthy to let your kids talk to you with no respect (as I wouldn't talk to them with disrespect), that's the main thing I would pick out there. I never understand the attitude of "oh it's phase, they grow out of it, just being teens" teenagers don't get special treatment with me, we are all people and we all deserve respect in our home; you can challenge me, you can disagree with me, we can discuss it, but you will not disrespect me. I will not be shouted at, god help them if they tried to swear at me. My son slammed a door once, he didn't do it again.

[Squashpocket]

As a mum of 2 boisterous boys, I'm always fascinated to hear what a mum of lovely, compliant girls has to say about gentle parenting. If I hadn't raised my voice or laid down the law once or twice, my boys might honestly have died in a horrific accident by now.

Some children are more challenging than others.

[Floatingpenguin]

I used to teach Lisa's children. I have no idea what they were like at home (or when they were at secondary school) but at primary school they were polite, kind, friendly children who always tried hard, achieved well and didn't have any major friendship issues. Her eldest's creative writing was fantastic and I have very fond memories of them. I'm really interested to listen to the podcast now!

[tyyger]

Sometimes dc need to know if they’ve stepped over a boundary, including one to do with basic manners and that it’s not acceptable to speak to people in certain ways.

I agree, I don't know who Lisa Jewell is but did her dc grow up in a safe, privileged bubble?

Also hugely depends on the child imo.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

I think you just apply the same boundaries to your kids as you do yourself - I have to limit screen time, not live on chocolate, tidy up, go to work, exercise.. I’d rather not do these things half the time but I have to.

If you give your kids boundaries it makes it easier for them to apply them later.

I am all for not being over strict and trying to make it a positive - let’s go out to the park rather than get off that screen - but Kids are different, and some will have to be stopped from pushing it.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

@Squashpocket

As a mum of 2 boisterous boys, I'm always fascinated to hear what a mum of lovely, compliant girls has to say about gentle parenting. If I hadn't raised my voice or laid down the law once or twice, my boys might honestly have died in a horrific accident by now.

Some children are more challenging than others.

Well that applies to any kids, it’s not a boy/girl thing.

[SarahAndQuack]

I agree with those saying it depends on your child.

I am not always soft and kind, because I am just not that person. But I probably could be for 90% of the time with DD, because she is innately a rule-lover. She likes knowing what is considered good behaviour and what isn't. It is an ongoing surprise to me and DP, both of whom were innately much more devious and dishonest as children. It's not that she's not naughty or a pain; she can be an absolutely huge pain. But she is motivated by the desire to be seen to be toeing the line. I wasn't. Horses for courses.

[Menora]

I don’t know if I am the person for this thread, I always wanted to be like this but being realistic I am a nag and a lecturer 🤣. Saying that I do have nice DC, although they are independent now it’s not always in a good way… now they are older I don’t really like some of their decisions but I accept that they are making their own choices. I still feel close to them but often wish I had been harsher on them, who knows, it might have been different. I never really stopped them from doing things they wanted to do but I also had a set of expectations of them at home. If one wanted to dye her hair purple I would have let her but I would still expect them to help at home.
my Dsis has used gentle parenting and now has an 8yo girl nightmare on her hands, it isn’t always a good thing…

[SarahAndQuack]

@Squashpocket

As a mum of 2 boisterous boys, I'm always fascinated to hear what a mum of lovely, compliant girls has to say about gentle parenting. If I hadn't raised my voice or laid down the law once or twice, my boys might honestly have died in a horrific accident by now.

Some children are more challenging than others.

Yes, I'm sure the fact your children have penises has so, so much to do with it all.

Have you ever met little girls who are boisterous? Or little boys who are lovely and compliant?

The gentlest child in my DD's class is a little boy and he's a darling.

[tyyger]

Personally I think it's also healthy for dc to be a little bit naughty, break some "rules" & deal with conflict & consequences.

[QueenoftheAngles]

@Vintagevixen

I don't think that's true - some people keep misinterpreting this kind of parenting and saying it is but it isn't.

But the OP says the philosophy is “let them do whatever they want to do and be kind” so how is that a misinterpretation?

I’m not being snarky at all but I don’t understand. How do you deal with it if what they want to do is harmful to either themselves or others?

[SelDeFleur]

@Floatingpenguin

I used to teach Lisa's children. I have no idea what they were like at home (or when they were at secondary school) but at primary school they were polite, kind, friendly children who always tried hard, achieved well and didn't have any major friendship issues. Her eldest's creative writing was fantastic and I have very fond memories of them. I'm really interested to listen to the podcast now!

I'm a name changer for obvious reasons. I've been friends with Lisa for years and know her daughters very well. They're still lovely!

I haven't listened to the podcast but I will. I can tell you that she is very close to both girls and they talk to her about pretty much everything. It's a relationship based on mutual trust

[SelDeFleur]

And they are anything but compliant!

[DoIHaveTooo]

As a mum of 2 boisterous boys, I'm always fascinated to hear what a mum of lovely, compliant girls has to say about gentle parenting.

Me too! I have a boy and a girl. I'd honestly be mortified if I had brought either of them up to be so submissive and compliant. Imagine how they are going to interact with world as adults, too timid to speak out, no fight in them.

Children need to have boundaries at home to push against where its safe. Give them a voice, but also let them know when they are being disrespectful.

I think what a lot of the parents on this thread are advocating for is lazy parenting. You can't be bothered to parent and so dress it up as if you're raising some compliant stepford child. Very strange. They'll rebel in some way and I imagine you'll be all so shocked as to why 😒 you're not equating them for the real world and you all seem proud of this?

I wonder what will happen when they're adults and are told no for the first time. That won't go well.

[Movinghouseatlast]

My friend did this with her two children. No boundaries, never told 'no'.

One was an absolute horrendous shit who said the most dreadful things to people at dinner parties as she was not taken to bed. Parents just smiled at " I wish you would die" etc. She had a personality transplant at around 17 and became lovely. Now at 21 has emigrated and keeps her distance from her parents.

The other child developed a psychological disorder and refused to go to school from age 12. Again was never told 'no" and now is 18 with no qualifications. Parents refused all help and support.

It is totally obvious to everyone around them why this has happened.

[Vintagevixen]

@QueenoftheAngles

But the OP says the philosophy is “let them do whatever they want to do and be kind” so how is that a misinterpretation?

I’m not being snarky at all but I don’t understand. How do you deal with it if what they want to do is harmful to either themselves or others?

Yes fair point! I see it does say that in the Lisa Jewell article! But I think it means different things to different people.

It's hard to explain - we literally have no rules in our house but my DD just doesn't want to do things that are harmful to herself or others. She doesn't like drama, she doesn't like rudeness and we respect each other, and that attitude extends to those outside the house too. It's just generally a harmonious atmosphere all round, despite the teen years!

BUT...I have said before that I respect everyone's situation is different - there's only us two so I can't speak for bigger families etc but it worked for us.

[Zedcarz]

I have two high energy rumbustuous neurodiverse kids (I am also nd)
I have Physical disabilities too chronic paIn and fatigue which are increasing fast with age .
Parenting working and managing a house etc has been horrendous
Following others' advice on how to manage, discipline and control my children has brought worse pain tiredness and stress.
The meltdowns and fightback from the kids was killing me and I felt like a terrible parent.

Since I learned more about their needs and sensitivities and became more responsive to them, their meltdowns and anxieties have dissipated on a huge scale.

Helping them to redirect their physical energy into physical pursuits has been invaluable for stress relief.

The academic achievement has come on massively just through helping them self advocate, understand their own mind and body , plus learning enough so that I can also advocate appropriately where needed

I also don't accept being disrespected or mistreatment of each other and it's still clear who the parent is, despite being compassionate and giving fluffy cuddles.

And to the poster talking about it being easy if you have 'compliant girls', do you know any girls?!