the writer Lisa Jewell's parenting style

I have explained in previous posts, intuitive parenting, helping kids learn autonomy etc, (not keen on connotations of 'kind parenting') still includes helping kids understand manners, respect, societal expectations of politeness as well as kindness .
I don't agree that children should not be allowed to question or challenge teachers when they don't agree or when the teacher is spouting crap.
Teacher don't know everything and are often wrong, (along with doctors, nurses , politicians etc)
Kids should be encouraged to question , challenge and debate, lively discussion fosters way more learning than being talked at and made to copy facts ad infinitum

It's got nothing to do with money as one pp suggested

Your four year old has a complex understanding of mutual respect and kindness and applies this to being able to comprehend when a teacher is talking that he mustn’t try to speak? I doubt that. I think it’s more likely that in the school environment he’s/the class is told to be quiet and therefore he does it. He isn’t sitting there thinking ‘I must make sure I’m listening attentively in the spirit of mutual kindness - otherwise it would be unfair to Miss Smith who has obviously put a lot of effort into planning this lesson.’

I dunno...

I was raised around quite a lot of kids who had very permissive parents (leafy middle class town with lots of wealthy liberals). It worked for some but in other cases a lot of kids had literally no restrictions on what they could do and were staying out all night from the age of 14 or 15 and it didn't end well for them at all. Quite a few of them ended up with drug problems.

I think the signal that style of parenting can inadvertently send is that the parents couldn't really give a shit about what the kids get up to.

With kids who are naturally fairly chilled and tend to follow rules it could work but I think most kids need structure and some boundaries.

Sorry, I am just pointing out I would find it concerning if my 12 year old was engaging in behaviour like this, as do you, I suppose. I would be concerned about who they were hanging around with and why they are wandering the streets upsetting people. We do have children like this in my area, even teenagers who do this, and they have graduated to throwing eggs and milkshakes at people's windows and vandalism. I am not saying your son would do this, but that I would be concerned. My children do not wander around with these groups and nobody in the village has ever complained about them, so I know this isn't something they would do.

I could have said the same about my knock and running 12 year old when he was 4. Beautifully behaved at school (still is actually), he won the practically perfect pupil award at the end of reception (yes it was a thing 🥴 ).

DD11 is autistic and struggles with a lot...if I let her do whatever she wanted, she would never wash or clean her teeth, she wouldn't wear weather appropriate clothes, she wouldn't do her homework, she'd eat nothing but sugar and would stay up until midnight watching YouTube. I don't think so.

I never actually punished my children - not even real time outs or naughty step when they were little. Instead I made it clear whatever the behaviour was would not be tolerated. It worked for them and they've turned out fine - very kind and responsible. It mightn't have worked with different children.

But letting them do whatever they wanted ... no way. Surely a child/teen whose mother says "whatever you want" to anything realises that their mother doesn't care enough to intervene?

@charliee112 watching a film or the tv is just more screen time though? Just a different screen…

How? If both he and the teacher want to speak at the same time, how does he know who should be listened to respectfully?

I have a couple of friends who had this kind of parenting as they grew up - no rules, no boundaries. Could go clubbing if they wanted as teenagers, stayed out all night, did whatever they wanted.
Got through it and have turned into responsible members of society but experienced a lot of dangerous and scary situations as teenagers and now feel they were kind of neglected.

Definitely not raising their own children the same way.

I would be interested to hear from a teacher or other authority figure for these children before making the decision OP, she's hardly going to say, 'I'm a shit parent' is she?

Because we don't talk over her, @5128gap

@threegoodthings Yes. I have autism and needed lots of structure as a child too.

Of course I was and am concerned! We were incredibly embarrassed and worried hence telling him off, explaining how it frightened it could make people and making sure he went round and apologised. He doesn’t hang round with “these groups” he hangs out with his friends who I know which is why I was able to contact the other parents. He also doesn’t wander the streets but over the summer he does meet up with his friends, ride bikes play football etc. The neighbours were very nice about it, the man he apologised to said “we all do stupid things when we are young”.

The point of telling the story was to point out that sometimes children, who you think have been brought up to be respectful and kind, can get it wrong. They can get caught up in a moment, not think something through, succumb to peer pressure etc. If you are a “hands off, let them make their own mistakes” parent how do you deal with a situation like that? Genuinely interested

But that's exactly my point. You never talk over her. So if she wants to talk she does so. So, how does she apply what she had learned from that to a situation where a teacher may have no choice but to talk over her? Surely she would conclude the teacher was not bring kind or respectful? I suppose I'm asking, how has she come to understand she must do as the teacher tells her?

Yep... this has worked for me. 2 DC and 3 DSC ... all twenties now.

I just do my best. I tell them I love them and try to listen to and understand what they are telling me.

Think people are getting confused - I don't let DD do whatever she wants. It's not neglectful or permissive parenting by any means.

Challenges are talked through. Boundaries are there. She is very aware I love her and am interested in her. None of those are missing. I just do it in different ways (modelling, discussion, humour, empathy) because that's what suits our family of 2 and our personalities. Fully appreciate it will be different for others.

@QueenoftheAngles I apologise. I am probably somewhat tetchy about the issue as we have experienced problems with groups of tweens/teens wandering our area. The milder end of the scale has been knock and run. There have been worse issues, You sound as if you dealt with your son well and it isn't something I can imagine hands off parenting would sort.

Argue bargie, all screens are not the same, gaming is far more addictive, films and TV programmes have an end

I practice a permissive parenting style like this.

My 13 Yr old hasn't brushed his teeth in 5 weeks but it's not a big deal because he is too busy gaming to leave the house anyway, not even for school. I asked him to brush them yesterday and he swore at me, pointed out that he only eats takeaway pizza so teeth aren't important and slammed the door on me.

He has promised me that he'll go out next week though because he's planning on meeting someone he met online who says he's 13 too. It will be a big adventure for him because he's going by himself to a city 100 miles away. I'm just glad he's up for it really because last week he was watching tiktok and saw people eating raw chicken so he tried it and was in hospital for.a few days. I think that's where he started smoking tbh.

I don't believe in saying no and explaining why when necessary. He doesn't need my experience and knowledge to guide him. I mean, how will he know not to meet strangers from online without actually doing it? Learn by experience and all that.

Yes I didn’t see all screens were equal, just that going from gaming to watching the telly is going from one screen to another. Fine if that’s how someone wants to parent but they should recognise it for what it is!

No way.
Kids need discipline and boundaries if they are to function in society.

Thank you and I’m sorry you’ve had problems. It’s horrible to be on the receiving end of which is why I’m absolutely making sure that my son doesn’t ever behave like that again.