the writer Lisa Jewell's parenting style

There's a difference between unconditional love and being a doormat imo.

I am a person and will be treated with respect just like anyone else. I have some friends and family members (mothers) who are basically the family punching bag because they never react and it's seen to be their duty to take everyone's shit.

I love my children unconditionally but if they're acting like dicks they will be pulled up on it.

Yes I've both known some VERY dramatic uncompliant girls and some very laid back compliant boys - not sure you can play into stereotypes based on biological sex!

Also, to the poster who said their 16 year old won't study but they're hoping he does at some point. Words fucking fail me. Your children aren't a science experiment that you get to observe but not interact with. It's your job to help! And when did you stop encouraging them with schoolwork etc? Or did you never start?

My god, I'm going to hide this thread it's fucking terrifying how some parents fuck up their kids lives.

My kids nearly killed themselves 7 times today, including falling from a tree, running up a road, jumping off the window ledge onto a homemade “slide” and a few other things.

I can’t just let my kids do what they want because they absolutely will hurt themselves or someone else, they are almost feral in how they approach life. They will literally do anything that looks fun, with zero risk assessment.

So no I can’t just let them do anything but I do try to let them do things which are risky and am just there to wipe the tears when it inevitably goes wrong.

Like anything, there is balance, it is not black and white. and it’s a lot to do with luck and privilege like PPs have said

@Squashpocket amen.

It's smug parenting and sounds quite neglectful. Everyone thinks their dc are so lovely nowadays but I doubt anyone else gives them a second thought. Remember the thread where the teenagers held court at the dinner party that they weren't even invited to. Indulged rather than lovely

Great Post, I absolutely despise British High schools. The amount of time they spend putting them 'in reflection' for totally unimportant things like having a number 1 instead of a number 3 haircut etc it's like they try to squash every tiny bit of individuality out of them with the excuse that it gets them ready for work which is bollocks cus most work isn't like that.

I went to view one the other day for my youngest and it all looked 'good' but sooo controlled and I heard a teacher talk really nastily to a year 7 because he apparently wasn't walking sensibly enough down the corridor for her liking.

It's weird because working in a college, we have such a great and caring relationship with the students and they have freedoms in the stuff that doesn't interfere with their learning.

We have significant restrictions on screen time and bed times and my teens are happy, contended and well-behaved.

Contented even!

Absolutely 😁

I'd always like to hear from other people in these children's lives when I hear about this type of parenting. She claims it's worked brilliantly. I wonder if everyone else who encounters these kids who haven't been told no, haven't been given any boundaries, haven't been pulled up for lack of respect, have been led to believe they can do what they like and have a big cuddle at the end of it think it's been as successful?

A lot of managing kids behaviour is about how they behave outside of the house. I can't imagine you can turn a complete blind eye without upsetting several innocent bystanders (stop kicking that seat, stop screaming, don't pull stuff off the shelves of the supermarket, don't play insanely loud music all day, every day in the school holidays etc). Be good to hear how this parenting impacts everyone else.

All people are different, including teenagers. There’s not going to a one-size-fits-all approach that works for everyone.

Also, I think “They were a pain in the arse as a teen but now they’re lovely” applies to a lot of people, regardless of parenting.

I had a couple of friends at school whose parents took the ‘let them do whatever they like and just be kind’ approach. No idea how they turned out as adults, but I do vividly remember discussing how tolerant their parents were with another friend and she said “I think if my mum and dad let me carry on like that, I’d assume they didn’t really give a fuck about me, though.” Which I thought was quite perceptive, and I’m sure some teenagers would absolutely feel the same.

My own parents weren’t especially strict, but they did definitely have certain expectations about behaviour and consideration for others, and for the most part I’m kind of grateful for that really. I think they mainly got it right.

No, I think your talking shit there.

There are so many ways to demonstrate how to live harmoniously that aren’t in any way doormat.
Its easy to slip into making Obedience the first (perhaps in your case only?) priority. But others can have the same result using a different method.

you get your children to tidy their room because you want them to just fucking do what their told. I can share the tidying of two rooms with my child and use that as time to chat, have a laugh, talk about school projects… and build a happy home, where I‘m still in charge, but there’s no need for high conflict or being a martinet.

I think I was brought up a bit like this. I don't remember anything being off limits. I had a hobby which meant from the age of 8 I would be away from my parents on a weekend (but with other adults). I learnt first hand that there would be consequences to my actions. I'm not sure if my parents were like this when I was very young as j simply can't remember. For me personally, I think it worked okay. I felt very supported and I still very much respect my parents. As a child I still considered what they might think if I did something questionable. However, I can easily see that it wouldn't suit every child.

I learnt a long time ago that you can only be the parent you are. Which isn't a cop out (honest 😂), but trying to parent in a way that doesn't come naturally is just going to be hard work and probably ineffective. LJ sounds like a great parent to me and she certainly models hard work

If your kid wants to tidy up with you, then that's great.

If your kid wants to go drinking with some older boys at the park, then it's more of an issue.

You didn't read my post then or their teacher's. They were and are lovely children. I don't know if you've listened to the podcast (I haven't) but you're totally wrong in how you're portraying the way they've been raised.

For me I think boundaries show that you care. It feels good at the time if you can stay out as late as you want, not study much etc. but you need someone that shows that makes you realise it does matter.

I feel like there is a huge different between being a doormat and letting anything/everything happen and being sort of gentle/kind/whatever, though.

My kids have boundaries and rules but at the same time I try my best to see things through their eyes. I want them to be able to communicate well with others, not just in terms of everyday conversation but in terms of articulating their feelings, needs, etc. I still struggle with that as an adult and I don’t want them to have that. I’m not gonna blindly demand obedience just because mainstream parenting says that’s what you should do.

You can't be that much fun if he'd rather be attached to a screen, if you don't mind me saying.

That parenting style REALLY depends on whether the child is suited to it. I have a friend who is a lovely marshmallow person (sweet, soft and malleable) who is like this with her kids. The first two are very like her and have been an easy-going dream to bring up. Third one has a less naturally kind nature and runs rings around her parents and is unfortunately rather a dislikable brat.

It probably would have worked really well for me and my sister because we were naturally biddable, calm, homeloving, rule followers. We weren't any trouble for our mother and we had a lovely calm happy atmosphere at home ... until our dad came home and would start barking orders, usually for some rule he had just made up. I rebelled massively as a teen - it felt like just because I couldn't stand being stifled any more. I definitely would have done better ith more love and kindness and less rules and punishments. My relationship with my parents has never recovered.

My kids however would have totally taken the piss if I'd been a kind permissive pillow. They are both adrenaline junkies who will push and push the boundaries. Eldest has adhd and no sense of risk/ danger. He would have been dead long ago if I'd let him just do what he wants. They are also prone to becoming rude and cheeky if we don't pull them back into line when they need it (despite us modelling respect, politeness and good manners). They are also both night owls and not a hope in hell they would choose to get up for school unless we made them.

My approach is "I'm not your best friend, you can't always behave how you want, but I am on your team and I will always do the best I can for you". No, they haven't always liked it. There have been a lot of sulky faces, slammed doors and "it's not fair". But I think it's paid off. My 17 year old told me this weekend "Mum I can really talk to you about stuff. My friends don't tell their parents anything. "

I think where there's wisdom in what she's saying, it's that she prioritises the relationship over compliance, and having a good and close relationship with your child is likely to lead to better behaviour overall because they will feel seen, heard and valued and won't be motivated to act out for attention. I would be surprised if she truly does let them do what they want in all instances - to me that just isn't real life. There are often conflicts of interest, time and money constraints, things we don't particularly want to do that still need to be done etc etc and I don't think you would be doing the kids a favour by encouraging them to think you can live without compromise or having to sometimes do things you don't want to

Our house is a bit like that. I have a teen girl and younger parents sometimes ask me how bad it is! It’s great, she’s easy going, independent, funny. She likes hanging out with us. Younger kids too and just no dramas. We don’t have millions of rules and we don’t argue with them about pointless things. We do parent. We get them off screens, get them to do their homework, teach them manners and all that. It’s hard to describe but I suppose it’s a balance and erring on the side of treating them kindly and respectfully, not getting up tight about things. There literally is no shouting in our home, no one feels the need.

Totally agree that whether this parenting style works depends on what kind of child you have. If you have a naturally calm, sensible, thoughtful child it will work. (Often the parent is like that too and has passed down those genes). If you have a naturally bolshy, risk taking child - not so much.

It’s a bit like parents with good sleepers coming on to share their tips for getting a baby to sleep well. In reality the main tip is “have a baby who likes sleep”.

my motto to live by has always been “pick your battles”. This has never been truer in the teenage years - I have been much more permissive than I wanted to be with my oldest son, but by letting him do more than I would have liked, I have maintained the illusion of control. Which has meant when I’ve really needed him to tow the line, he has. Has he cottoned on earlier to the fact, that I couldn’t in fact make him do anything he didn’t want to, the teenage years would have been (even more) unpleasant! As it is, he’s gone to uni, in one piece and we’ve got a pretty good relationship- he will come to me with his problems, and that’s no true of many is his mates and their folks.