the writer Lisa Jewell's parenting style

My parenting is a bit like this I suppose. But bear in mind I only have one DD who is nearly 15 so I don't know how well it would work with different personality types or more than one! Plus it is only us two as I'm a single parent.

She doesn't have chores, or screen time limits and I'm generally super laid back about most stuff. BUT her personality type is very like mine - totally laid back, very polite and hates any drama. I think the example you set to young kids in your own behaviour is one of the biggest things in shaping them.

I really don't ever yell, we share a very dry sense of humour so if I'm trying to make a point about a situation she responds to and learns from my slightly sarcastic humour.

I suppose I'm like a big cushion in lots of ways to her! Really thinks she knows I'm always on her side and so far she has been able to talk to me about issues. She works hard at school, is always polite and well behaved and just loves being home with me. It's her favourite place - and mine when she's there!

If I'd adopted that approach I'd still be back in 2011 waiting for him to get dressed for nursery and very late for work.

I didn't, he needed boundaries and direction as well as hugs and love, and is now an adorable 13 year old to be proud of.

Schools are training our kids to be factory machines.
All the positivr focus is on the model students, the exemplary ones. The ones who dont thruve in this environment are the excluded ones, the constant detention kids, the ones always on a warning.
theres no middle ground and the environment doesn't nurture, particularly in high school, they dont promote thriving.
Between the coddling of nursery and the move towards adulthood and independence at college, high school is bizarrely stuck in the past, so many teachers and heads are about power and control.
They dont respect the kids or the parents.
if we don't give our kids space to learn autonomy and give them a voice l, we're just rearing another generation of stressed and overworked adults with no resilience.

people who are used to being bullied, turn a blind eye to it, get bullied or become bullies.
If the schools aren't safe spaces for our kids to learn and grow then their home needs to be that place.

People with no decision making capacity perpetuates our mental health crisis, reliance on wine, beer, coke, weed porn, shopping, gambling, sex etc
Giving kids autonomy doesn't mean letting them do everything they want all the time
it means giving them options and choices and allowing them space to make mistakes and decisions whilst giving guidance and advice .
Wrt to statig on gaming 24/7, your role is to open their eyes to the other activities which will be fun, stimulating, engaging and ideally active enough that time in front of the screen is valid because they've done enough activity.
Screen time is also really helpful for kids who have sensory issues, struggle in school environment, other pressures etc, its a safe place and absorbing, there is a place for it.
It's all about balance.

That’s not “whatever they want” though, is it? That’s just allowing them to make some choices for themselves and not others, which is totally standard normal parenting

My mother parented like this and we all had a lovely childhood. She modelled kindness, gratitude, patience to us. We were so close growing up, and until the second she died. I think about her every day and raise my children the same way. Our cousins had much more structured time and more boundaries, their parents were better off and middle class, and they were noticeably less close to their parents as teenagers and even more so now as adults. They had rules, chores, punishments etc, they hated them. I never understood why. I did the washing up because I wanted to help.

I can tell you I've not got a lot of money and do this type of laid back parenting and have had no problems. It just depends on the child and parent.

I agree children should be treated with respect and kindness and good behaviour should be modelled. I think most parents try their very best to do this but how does the hands off, never react approach work when they do something that doesn’t just impact on them?
My neighbours came round this summer to complain about my DS12 and his friends doing knock and run, and generally being pains. We told him off, explained how upsetting it could be for the neighbours, gave the other parents in the group the heads up about their behaviour and took him round to say sorry. What would a hands off parent do in that scenario, should I have shrugged my shoulders at the neighbours and hoped they’d stop before someone called the police??

Boundaries help I think, not super strict but enough to provide some sort of structure and framework. The kids/families we know that have the approach as described in the op mostly havent turned into fabulous teenagers/adults. My approach has always been boundaries, respect, responsibility, some structure, some flexibility - ie a middle road. Its worked Id say based on how my two are now (early 20s, late teens)

Zedcarz the school isn't there to replace parents. Kids who disrupt the learning of others are given sanctions. How would you deal with kids talking over the teachers and pissing about? The teachers are there to teach the curriculum.

I ever did knock and runs because, in hindsight, my mum would engineer a conversation (if she heard it was going on) about how scary they can be for old people and how unkind it is. So I just wouldn't join in with stuff like that.

Children who are raised in an environment of mutual kindness and respect generally wouldn't talk over or interrupt teachers.

Well good for you. I wouldn’t have expected my usually very lovely 12 year to do it either. He’s usually extremely kind and empathetic but he did do it because he’s not perfect and makes mistakes

I think it's a terrible idea. There needs to ge a middle path. I very much believe in not sweating the small stuff, but there need to be some limits and boundaries, otherwise you risk letting them get into very bad habits.

Most children aren't intrinsically and automatically motivated to do things they need to do. And if they copy the bad behaviour and unpleasant language they hear at school, and use it towards you, surely if you just let them, they think 'Oh apparently that's ok then' and carry on doing it?!

It's one thing having a go at letting your child self-limit with things like screen time and seeing how they manage. It's a completely different thing to just deliberately gove them free rein to do what they like with no limits or boundaries from you.

Hmm I’m sensing here an extension of this whole ‘if you are super relaxed with your baby, they will be super relaxed too’… usually said by people whose baby is completely chilled, a great sleeper, and who have plenty of loving, hands on support.

The only purpose this seems to serve is making people feel like shite that they can’t relax as their baby is fussy etc, and feeling like it’s their fault.

All children are people with different personalities, one style of parenting doesn’t fit all.

My eldest needs strong boundaries, the 2nd one is more likely to toe the line. Jury is out on the youngest 2!

(By the by, I’ve noticed most of this laid back stuff is said by parents of one laid back child, usually no more children in the mix)

There's still a role for parents to enable their kids to understand their feelings and how to articulate them and deal with them effectively and appropriately.
I think there's some biteback on here because people are misunderstanding the difference between enabling and supporting autonomy and independence and self advocacy .
It doesn't mean neglect but it does mean not being fixed on controlling and punishment and children being submissive and passive.
Someone upthread mentioned a child with adhd.
Even more important for kids who are neurodiverse to have autonomy to be able to self advocate. Kids who can't express themselves effectively and be understood are of course more likely to make poor decisions and compelled into risky behaviours.
Adhd traits are so misunderstood that it can traumatise a child forever to be constantly told they're wrong and everything about them is wrong because it doesn't fit within the confines of our tightly controlled english society.
Our systems are letting down kids and families across the board.
We are still a nation of screwed up pent up tense people.
Kind parenting is absolutely the way forward and being kind also involves helping your kids learn about emotions, self respect, responsibility and how to treat other people.
There are other ways to treat people than punishment and withdrawal of things that are important to kids.

This is so naive. Of course they would, bring raised with kindness and respect doesn’t make them perfect. On of my DS’s favourite friends whose family are the most lovely kind people us famous for not being able to shut up and interrupting in class.

Children who are raised in an environment of mutual kindness and respect generally wouldn't talk over or interrupt teachers.

That's just not true I'm afraid. I've been a teacher for a very long time. Loads of children from nice, kind families talk when the teacher is talking and indulge in other minor misbehaviour (and sometimes not so minor). Unfortunately, being nice and kind is not a guarantee that your children won't misbehave.

I don't mean to be rude but a 12 year old should have the emotional maturity to know that we don't harass or play tricks on neighbours. It would never have occured to my children at 12 years old to do this with friends. Possibly if they were a lot younger. Anyway, it's good you have explained to him now that it's unacceptable. I'm not a hands off parent but generally find discussion and modelling works better than laying down the law.

Let me emphasise that this style is far from 'lazy" parenting. I invest a lot of time in my DD, try really hard to never be dismissive (even when I'm knackered after work!) because if you listen to small stuff they'll tell you big stuff.

I made sure to spend loads of time with her, doing what she enjoyed and enjoying it with her. I mean I didn't want to spend all that time building Lego or watching Minions but it was important to do. I always make it clear that I value her company.

For those implying this means no boundaries - that's not true. Boundaries are set by modelling behaviour - eg. she always sees me not being rude to strangers so she isn't, she never see's me screaming at people so she doesn't etc

The environment and the curriculum is inflexible and research has long shown that very few kids thrive in the classroom setting being taught at.

Nobody's making the slightest effort to adapt the environment to suit the kids who disrupt the class nor to understand thdir specific barriers to learning.
everyone is expecting choldren to adapt to a hostile environment
kids not allowed to go the toilet when they need to, how can anybody think is is normal or even humane?!
Every school I've ever worked in, the teachers are bigoted and unkind about the children and families who find it difficult.
Middle class teachers , often from a teaching family have no idea of the real life of many of their pupils and the lack of insight, compassion, empathy and skill is letting these kids down.


Unfortunately teachers are only taught to teach one way and when the many many kids are unresponsive to this, the teachers lose control andthe kids are punished.
I've worked within many schools as well as been a pupil in many schools and multiple times over forty odd years, have heard teachers shouting.
even the schools my kids are in today have teachers who lose it so badly they're yelling.

Kids are sent out, excluded, punished, have rewards withdrawn, managed moves and ultimately disengage and often end up jobless and unemployable.
The one size all teaching system is broken.
The academy school system is awful.
Removing Connexions workers from school has been fatal.
There's nobody in the schools to be a buffer for those kids who can't cope in that environment.
Too many NQTs walking into jobs with rigid, unimaginative head teachers and bullying older staff suppressing any new ideas and bullying younger staff
Not enough teachers with specialist training for the thousands of neurodiverse kids who don't fit the special school criteria.
It's all about money, outcome and results

If you start anything with “I don’t mean to be rude” then you’re being rude. Just own it.

You’re clearly a far superior parent to me and thanks for being so condescending. How do you know it didn’t occur to your children, maybe you just never found out?

It's not naive @QueenoftheAngles because I lived it. It's my experience. I was also a teacher in tough inner London comprehensives and I taught with the same ethos, unconditional positive regard. Don't tell, show. Wait for silence, never shout. Wait at the door at the start of every lesson and greet every single child as they enter your class to show them how much you value them as people. I had a leadership role within four years of starting and steered on behaviour so I must've done something right.

Bit unfair to expect a 5 year old to understand the nuances of when he should be kind and respectful and let the teacher talk and when the teacher should be 'kind and respectful' and let him talk. Much clearer to just tell him he mustn't talk when the teacher tells him to be quiet, rather than leave him to navigate that for himself?

My four year old gets it @5128gap - it's not impossible

I wouldn’t do it. I am kind to my children but I don’t like the idea of being a ‘big fluffy pillow’ if they’re rude or unkind to me. I don’t think it’s doing them any favours. They need to see me and DH as people of our own too, not as mum and dad who exist to serve and shower kindness down while smiling placidly as you disrespect them and refuse to cooperate. I don’t want to smile while anybody is rude to me - even my own kids.