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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with adult dd

227 replies

Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 09:13

I have 2 dc, dd (23) and ds (13). Dd does not live at home but I had her round for dinner last night. I was in the kitchen serving up and when I brought it in I saw that she had poured a glass of wine for herself, me and her brother.

I immediately remarked on this and said ds is not allowed to drink. She said really well he is when he is with me. DS has sleepovers at her house 1-2 times per month and has done since she moved out around a year ago. When I asked her what she meant it turns out she has being allowing him to drink when he stays over.

I didn’t want to have a big row with her in front of ds so just whisked the glass away from him. Later in the evening I asked her why she had allowed him to do this she told me my approach to alcohol is wrong and she said she wants to introduce him to alcohol in a safe and structured way. When I said it’s not her place to decide this she said the only way my approach is going to end is him drinking in secret in a park. I am really cross with her as he has been staying over at hers since he was 12 and she has been giving him alcohol during this time without mentioning it as she knows I would disagree. I know ds is also guilty of this and knows he is not allowed to drink so will deal with him also.

I messaged their father who said he didn’t know this was happening and it’s not ideal but it’s hardly the end of the world as we can’t micromanage their relationship.

AIBU to be really annoyed about this?

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 26/09/2022 03:58

I would be furious with her too, OP.

The research on early drinking is pretty damming and does not support the idea of giving under 18 year olds alcohol in a the home as a way to encourage responsible drinking.

If you know your teen is drinking elsewhere and you can’t stop them, then allowing it in the house instead may help prevent worse outcomes, but introducing them to it young, especially under 15 is really irresponsible.

I wouldn’t be taking his electronics off him though. I’d stop the unaccompanied visits for a while, unless they were daytime. And I’d spend sometime with DD talking to her about this and how she makes decisions about boundaries she has with her brother. The comment about drinking in the park made me think her own experience with alcohol as a youngster may not have been great even if you did not see it and she may be reacting a bit, trying to protect your DS from things that hurt her as a child somewhat immaturely, without realising she’s putting him in danger of other harms.

Feelingconfused2020 · 26/09/2022 04:04

I'm also shocked at the number of posters siding with your DD. We have a very worrying relationship with alcohol in this country. People need to do some research and realise how harmful alcohol is. The last thing we need is people drinking it when they are younger and their livers are even less mature. There is no evidence that introducing it sooner makes any difference. We have an alcohol problem here but France isn't much better. It's not a country to emulate by any means
ourworldindata.org/grapher/share-with-alcohol-or-drug-use-disorders

stayathomer · 26/09/2022 04:47

Ok OP, you clearly know best. Will you stop your DS from seeing his friends when he inevitably starts drinking in the park and such soon?
Definitely not inevitable, I had this conversation with sil who was rolling her eyes that most of my friends had their first drink 16 or 17. My nieces started around that age too and both said a lot of their friends were about 16 on and never in a park under a bridge etc.

ChaToilLeam · 26/09/2022 04:53

I’m all for a reasonable introduction to alcohol but 12 is too young. What’s more, she is undermining your parenting. Not good.

I think the screen ban for a week is OTT though.

HappyKoala56 · 26/09/2022 06:51

Your daughter is in the wrong, she cannot be making parental decisions for your child. She has massively overstepped and I would put an end to sleepovers due to both of their dishonesty.
I personally don't think that having a drink with family at that age is wrong, and that it does create a healthier relationship with alcohol. It also allows them to find their limits in a safe place. However to think that by doing this he won't drink down the park is deluded - this is from someone who would have a small drink with family from age 7 and first got drunk with my parents age 11. I still got drunk with my friends age 15/16 at the park and kept it from my parents. On the bright side, I haven't been a drinker since the age of 18.

Feelingconfused2020 · 26/09/2022 07:19

Also teaching him to keep secrets about his drinking isn't teaching him a healthy relationship with alcohol.

SNWannabe · 26/09/2022 12:03

Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 15:27

I have been speaking to ds about this. He has been drinking alcohol with dd at her flat for the last few months. He has had alcopops,beer and wine. Dd has only let him have one every time he has stayed over with her.

I told him that he knew that he wasn’t allowed so why did he do it and said he was interested and dd let him.

I have told him he is not his phone or console for a week and his laptop is for school work only.

This is what I meant about being able to have discussions. You clearly can’t as your son has expressed his interest in drinking alcohol to his sister and not to you. And now by punishing him you’ve shut down communication further. 👏👏

Stompythedinosaur · 26/09/2022 14:28

You are completely right that early drinking is damaging and should not be encouraged. I suspect this is about meeting a slightly immature adult's need to be admired rather than acting in the best interests of your ds.

Your dad is not his parent, so she doesn't have a say in whether ds can drink. Either she accepts that or no more sleepovers.

If your ds went to a friend's house and was given alcohol I suspect you wouldn't be sending him back. This is exactly the same, it is a safeguarding issue.

ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 26/09/2022 14:30

Thestagshead · 25/09/2022 09:23

She needs to respect your wishes and not give him booze but fundamentally she’s correct, making alcohol taboo is what leads to issues later, introducing it in a safe structured manner with meals is the way to go

Incorrect! Controlled studies have PROVEN that normalising drinking from a young age actually leads to heavy drinking as an adult.

1HappyTraveller · 26/09/2022 14:32

Whilst I understand your DD’s point it is absolutely NOT her place. I would be furious. The fact she did it knowing that you would be pissed off is both deceitful and shows a complete lack of respect.

It might sound harsh but I would be inclined to stop the sleepovers as she clearly cannot be trusted. If she wants to see her DB then she can visit him at the family home.

Doingprettywellthanks · 26/09/2022 14:46

I wouldn’t give a toss if all the studies in the world said it was absolutely fine and no link whatever between child drinking and later problems - if I bloody tell someone that I don’t want my child drinking alcohol when with them, there is only ONE acceptable response… and that is 100% assurance that won’t happen again. If it does, then no more unaccompanied visits.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 26/09/2022 14:48

I grew up in a household with quite a relaxed attitude to alcohol, but, 12??? No way!!! My SS is 11 in a month and I wouldn’t dream of giving him alcohol at this age….. No way!!! He is in no way mature enough to handle that (although I do consider him mature in many ways).

But the bottom line in this is that she has done this without your consent…. That’s a huge no no! You child, your rules… when she has her own then she gets to parent how she sees fit!

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/09/2022 14:48

He’s 13 !!!

not 16/17

hes too young. No need and not your dd child so she doesnt choose /decide what he does

I would stop the sleepovers for a while

as both have been deceitful - knowing you would disapprove and not to be trusted

slithytoveisascientist · 26/09/2022 14:56

SNWannabe · 25/09/2022 09:37

As someone with similar age gaps between kids I have said you’re being unreasonable. When you ask your older child to look after the young one there is a trust there and you should be respectful of their choices as you are giving them that responsibility as it benefits you to have your younger child out for the night or being looked after.
Your daughter isn’t hiding it from you as she acted in the same way at your house too- she has grown up with your rules but has made her own mind up based on her choices and it sounds like you banning her from drinking didn’t work and ended up in bad choices and unsafe decisions. She’s therefore helping your son in the way she thinks best.
I agree she should have discussed it, but I’d reflect on why perhaps she didn’t. Do you tend to encourage open discussion? Or shut down communication when it doesn’t go as you wanted?
You are lucky to have an adult daughter who is close to her brother and you’d be very short sighted to discourage that relationship.

Totally disagree - would you be saying this if OP had asked a friend or a grandparent looking after the child? Doing someone a favour doesn't mean you go against their parenting rules. What other choices that OP DD makes should she be respectful of? Letting the kid play call of duty or have a fag?

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/09/2022 14:59

Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 15:30

Pressed send too soon I have asked to call dd this afternoon/evening.

So what did dd say last night

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/09/2022 15:02

Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 09:29

I don’t really want to stop them seeing each other without me or their dad being there as I want them to have a close relationship but I accept I might have to.

I'm not sure why this is important to you - she's proved she can't be trusted.

Earlier introduction to alcohol has now been shown to be detrimenta to young people.

Stravaig · 26/09/2022 15:24

It's not just that DD23 gives DS13 alcohol (not okay) when she knows you disagree (very not okay), it's that she is blatantly undermining his trust in you and respect for you as his parent.

I would stop the visits until she can be trusted to respect your role as parent. Being siblings a bit of a red herring. Would you let your son hang out with any other 23 year old who was plying him with alcohol? It's a basic safeguarding issue.

On the plus side, she has given you carte blanche to ignore any and all parental instruction when you become a grandmother :) Revenge is a dish best served cold - or rather, noisy, glittery, and full of sugar.

Noodles1234 · 26/09/2022 15:54

It’s your decision.
Makes me laugh when people quote alcohol attitude on the continent with kids, I have seen kids in Spain buy beer from vending machines and hoards of kids / teens getting trollied. Some kids it works, many it doesn’t, like here.

masterblaster · 26/09/2022 17:57

You know she definitely used to go and drink in the park, right :)

MeridianB · 26/09/2022 18:25

Regardless of how relaxed or not other posters are about alcohol, your choice as a parent was not to give it to a 12yo. Presumably your DD knew this and that’s why she and DS did not tell you about it.

You're right to be angry about her deception and poor judgment.

He’s 12 FFS! And she is 23. As a PP pointed out, if this had been a different relationship- MIL or absent father etc, I doubt it would be getting viewed in the same way. I suspect if this was a man giving a 12yo girl alcohol the conversation would also be different, even though the principle is the same.

UrslaB · 26/09/2022 18:31

Is she projecting her past about a poor relationship with alcohol growing up onto her little brother? The idea that she thinks your handling of the introduction of alcohol is not satisfactory I think says more about what is in her past and childhood with you and the concerns/hang ups she has about her own relationship with alcohol. Is she trying to prevent her brother making the same mistakes that she made as a kid? Was drinking in secret in a local park at 13 in your area something she did growing up and she had a bad experience from it?

There are things to be unpacked here. Saying it isn't her place to give her brother alcohol because you are the parent is all well and good but you need to inquire what the root of her behaviour is.

AnnieSnap · 26/09/2022 18:34

YANBU your daughter is being incredibly arrogant to assume she knows better than you.

Ifeelsuchafool · 26/09/2022 18:43

My children were allowed a glass of wine, beer or cider with a meal from about this age. Youngest is 27 and barely drinks at all, older two, 29 and 31, don't drink much as a general rule but like to get a bit merry on special occasions; never to the point of being sick/falling down though. Maybe she shouldn't do it without telling you but I wouldn't get too het up about it.

MissMaple82 · 26/09/2022 18:47

Shes got a point. They do this in France

PaperLanterns · 26/09/2022 18:58

YANBU

Your child, your rules.

And the people saying that booze is introduced earlier on the continent to stop binge drinking etc - I’m not sure that’s true. We as a society are a nation of binge drinkers. You don’t see it as much in other countries because so much of our socialising takes place with alcohol.

I think at 13 and 23, the age gap doesn’t lend itself well to sleepovers. I’d have a little think about that.