To text my ex and ask why he ghosted me when I was laying in hospital?

[Artemisss]

We dated like 4 years ago when I was in my 20s. I absolutely adored him, we used to spend our nights together staying up to like 6am in the morning just talking about our lives. We talked about marriage and kids. He randomly dumped me after an argument about one of us being late for something.

we never lost touch. We stayed in touch with phone calls, video calls and met up. He would say things like hes never moved on, he doesn’t want another relationship, he thinks I’m beautiful, he can’t speak to anyone else like this. Most recently we were meeting up regularly, he was coming to my place a lot and just going to the cinema, restaurants, art galleries, concerts… we were talking everyday!!! He even fixed stuff in my house for me like my washing machine & tiled my floor!

Probably read into it too much, but I thought he would at least consider me a friend?

Anyway I got hospitalised a few months back following an accident. It was pretty serious and I’m still recovering. He knew it had happened on the day and sent a text. Never got in touch with me after I replied. Not even a “hope you’re feeling better”. We were on FaceTime the night before organising another day out… I don’t understand.

its really affected me. He was someone I loved once, and to be fair he was giving me vibes that he at least wanted to be my friend?? We never kissed or slept together these last few months, but we spoke very intimately & spent so much time together.

it was months ago and I should just move on, but I can’t. I want to text him and ask him why he stopped talking to me. This is a guy I’ve known for years and years, and I feel the shittest I’ve ever felt in my life

AIBU?

How was he supposed to know it was a life threatening accident if you told him you was alright and the drs were just keeping you in for the night? It all seems a bit dramatic, you went from being fine to sleeping most of the time, spending ages in hospital and being incapable of texting first.

Op, he’s behaved very hurtfully and I totally get why you want to message him. But believe me, it’s not going to give you what you’re looking for.

Essentially the guy is a twat and it’s best if you come to terms with this and remove him from your mind as well as your life.

Either he met someone else, in which case he could still have sent a follow-up “hope you’re ok” message if he was a real friend. Or he was just using you for fun times until The One came along and when your illness meant you were no longer fun, he ditched you. Either way this is not someone you want in your life.

Time to write him off as a part of your history and focus on yourself and the future. Get some fun and exciting plans to look forward to and try your best to forget about him. He’s honestly not worth your headspace.

All the best OP

Did you forget questions you'd asked him before? www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4637256-ghosted-by-long-term-friend-when-in-hospital

This. I’m sorry op I see this as you both dropped the friendship . You told the guy you were just in for monitoring and were ok.

if this was my mate and that was the last text I sent Ie I’m ok and out tomorrow, I’d have defo texted again and said are you ok, as I’d have been worried if they suddenly stopped texting and the behaviour was out of the norm.

you both did it. You actually didn’t respond again and even blocked him after a month, that’s not friendship or anything close.

How could he if you had blocked him 🤨

I had a single reply on that thread. Where’s the crime in asking for more opinions?

I’ve been cautious about too many outing details. I don’t know whether you’re implying it’s made up or whatever, but it’s not. I would post screenshots of the texts but worried they’d end up in the daily mail

There’s also been a third, hasn’t there?

It suggests a bit of obsession.

You need to work on whatever is making you lonely. Work on yourself and forget him

We weren’t sleeping together these last few months, no. When we were in a relationship we did have sex, a very normal relationship.

Ex said to me the last time he saw me “I’ve not slept with anyone since you”

A third what?

The OP never got closure because you never get it from the narcissist, her whole ordeal sounds pretty traumatic to me. She was emotionally abandoned by someone she thought was a “good friend” (ex partner) in a hospital and cut loose. She blocked him two months later because she didn’t want to go through the painful experience of checking her screen to see if she has any messages from him.

She is left with PTSD and lots of anxiety from the accident. She’s also trying to find emotional closure from being abandoned in such a vulnerable moment.

As far as I’m concerned she can make 10 threads with the same story if that’s going to help her find closure. I wish MN’s were a little bit more empathetic.

Thread.

This one, the one above and

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4637289-to-want-to-know-why-he-ghosted-me-when-i-was-critically-ill-in-hospital

All in a short space of time.

There's another one .. a few weeks ago , exactly the same

Seems like she didn’t get enough responses so wanted more.

mumsnet gestapo on full force now 😩

People can choose to ignore the thread. It would take a lot less effort then going back over the last weeks posts of mumsnet and trying to find the same thread.

doesnt that tell you something about the person posting? Maybe that they’re struggling and have no one else to turn to?

Or sure about others, but I am not saying you can’t keep posting.

But it does suggest this is more obsession.

You don’t have always get or have a right to closure.

You need to move for you own sake and I don’t believe starting a lot of threads in a short space of time is helping. you may think it is, but it doesn’t change my opinion.

Posting for advice and support can be great. But not always. It can have the opposite impact. Just have a think about what you can do in your own life to feel less lonely, act on it and I bet this all seems less important.

My life revolves around medication and sitting waiting for a chance to go back to sleep. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I’m finding to hard to process stuff, and just occasionally, having a post on a forum where people tell me to move on or whatever makes me feel like I can move past it. But when I’m alone all day I can’t just stop thinking about it

And I get that. But is there nothing you can do? Read for example. Online book clubs.

Or join an online support group for people in your position. I know some organise volunteers to keep in touch and check in on people.

Do you have carers, coming in? Or speak to the GP about support groups.

Anything to occupy you some of the time.

I think you need to get out and meet some new people and make friends. You'll forget about him and begin to feel better.

Honestly OP, I totally agree with this.. Yes, it would have been nice if he'd text you but plenty of people often don't do the right thing. Had you text him and then he didn't reply I'd say he ghosted but it really looks like you've both ghosted each other.. And the longer it went on the more awkward and obvious I got so either leave it be now, move on and forget about him or ask him what happened.

@Artemisss You said:

“no we never did anything apart from spend time together. Hugs, that’s it”

This strongly implies it was a rather platonic relationship…

I meant after the breakup! When we started spending a lot of time together this year we had a platonic relationship. The only sign it wasn’t was the length of time we spent together - he’d arrive at mine around 10am and not leave until about 5am the next day. Lots of talking about the breakup and then him saying “I should get going” and uming and ahing about sleeping over (in a separate bed)

When we were in a relationship we had sex. We also had sex for a year after we split up

He's managing your expectations downwards. If you accept this shoddy, really not very polite treatment and accept him back into your life, you are acquiescing to being picked up, shagged and abruptly dumped again when it suits him.

He obviously really likes you, you are probably very sexually compatible, you get on well, theres a strong bond, etc but he sounds like one of these idiot men who isn't quite ready to settle down and commit just yet. Not even to being a proper boyfriend. So in the meantime if you could conveniently fill in the gap, keep him company and give him sex again (after all you kept having sex with him for a year after he dumped you) then that would be really nice for him. But don't complain when he blows you off or you don't hear from him for a while, after all, this isn't a proper loving relationship or even friendship, and you can't expect things like that.

He's an idiot and he deserves to be ignored. I also think its actually quite difficult for men like him to get regular casual sex once they are past the university stage, so they have to keep as many fires burning as possible.

He has destroyed this relationship by his own actions. It sounds like you have already lost so much trust in him due to him dumping you before that you don't feel ready to sleep with him again, but you are giving him a chance to show he is more reliable now. He has blown it. Ignore all the posters saying you should have begged him from your hospital bed and in recovery not to drop contact. This sort of man really isn't worth chasing after, and he is perfectly capable of behaving decently and asking if you want to be in a relationship again without having to be facetimed and texted by you.

@Artemisss try to ignore the less than helpful suggestions about how you should be occupying yourself- it’s really tough to do this when you’re in physical pain, especially long term. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Do read the above post by @Druyhbf , I am pretty certain this is what you’re dealing with, and trying to make sense of it beyond this will amount to emotional self harm. He has let you down because of who he is, not because of who you are. There is nothing you could have done to make him behave differently. Nice and all as it sounds like it was for the time it lasted, you run a serious risk of squandering precious time on someone who will likely never be able to be there for you in the way you want.
I suggest you use this time to heal, and think about the sorts of friends and partners you want to attract into your life in future. Try learning a bit more about narcissists for example if you feel up to it, this might help to make sense of what’s gone on.

I agree to some extent, but I think the OP is also struggling to work out what this man is about. He seems to blow hot and cold and the OP is stuck in the middle of it, whereas strangers who are not attached to him can point out his faults more easily.

And some people just need to work though it, to get it out of their systems. I had an ex like this, even down to the abrupt pointless dumping the first time round, and what worked for me was doing some research which led to me finding out he had been sleeping with at least 2 other women, despite telling me we were exclusive/he liked his space. I became friends with one of them and he had been using the exact same lines about not wanting a long term relationship right now as he was in the right place blah blah to her!

Sometimes encouraging women to move on, not react, not reach out, not comment, not criticise, etc helps men behave badly.