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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To text my ex and ask why he ghosted me when I was laying in hospital?

142 replies

Artemisss · 24/09/2022 20:38

We dated like 4 years ago when I was in my 20s. I absolutely adored him, we used to spend our nights together staying up to like 6am in the morning just talking about our lives. We talked about marriage and kids. He randomly dumped me after an argument about one of us being late for something.

we never lost touch. We stayed in touch with phone calls, video calls and met up. He would say things like hes never moved on, he doesn’t want another relationship, he thinks I’m beautiful, he can’t speak to anyone else like this. Most recently we were meeting up regularly, he was coming to my place a lot and just going to the cinema, restaurants, art galleries, concerts… we were talking everyday!!! He even fixed stuff in my house for me like my washing machine & tiled my floor!

Probably read into it too much, but I thought he would at least consider me a friend?

Anyway I got hospitalised a few months back following an accident. It was pretty serious and I’m still recovering. He knew it had happened on the day and sent a text. Never got in touch with me after I replied. Not even a “hope you’re feeling better”. We were on FaceTime the night before organising another day out… I don’t understand.

its really affected me. He was someone I loved once, and to be fair he was giving me vibes that he at least wanted to be my friend?? We never kissed or slept together these last few months, but we spoke very intimately & spent so much time together.

it was months ago and I should just move on, but I can’t. I want to text him and ask him why he stopped talking to me. This is a guy I’ve known for years and years, and I feel the shittest I’ve ever felt in my life

AIBU?

OP posts:

Musti · 25/09/2022 13:37

He sounds toxic op

Sandra1984 · 25/09/2022 13:46

Musti · 25/09/2022 13:37

He sounds toxic op

Very. She also sounds she was enabling his toxic behaviour. Spending 10 am to 5:00 am every day with your ex is not normal at all, it stops you from moving on and finding a more well suited partner.

Original poster

Artemisss · 25/09/2022 14:13

AchatAVendre · 25/09/2022 13:30

He's managing your expectations downwards. If you accept this shoddy, really not very polite treatment and accept him back into your life, you are acquiescing to being picked up, shagged and abruptly dumped again when it suits him.

He obviously really likes you, you are probably very sexually compatible, you get on well, theres a strong bond, etc but he sounds like one of these idiot men who isn't quite ready to settle down and commit just yet. Not even to being a proper boyfriend. So in the meantime if you could conveniently fill in the gap, keep him company and give him sex again (after all you kept having sex with him for a year after he dumped you) then that would be really nice for him. But don't complain when he blows you off or you don't hear from him for a while, after all, this isn't a proper loving relationship or even friendship, and you can't expect things like that.

He's an idiot and he deserves to be ignored. I also think its actually quite difficult for men like him to get regular casual sex once they are past the university stage, so they have to keep as many fires burning as possible.

He has destroyed this relationship by his own actions. It sounds like you have already lost so much trust in him due to him dumping you before that you don't feel ready to sleep with him again, but you are giving him a chance to show he is more reliable now. He has blown it. Ignore all the posters saying you should have begged him from your hospital bed and in recovery not to drop contact. This sort of man really isn't worth chasing after, and he is perfectly capable of behaving decently and asking if you want to be in a relationship again without having to be facetimed and texted by you.

this is really insightful, thank you for taking the time to respond. You are right, I was proceeding cautiously because I didn’t trust him too much. And I do think he was hoping we’d have sex at some point - why else mention that I was the last woman he was with/had any interest in… obviously trying to make me feel flattered and able to trust him.

I also think he struggles with women in general. He’s quite a serious person, very introverted. He’s in his 30s and his friends told me I was his first proper relationship, so must think holding onto me at least gives him an option.

OP posts:

Sandra1984 · 25/09/2022 14:32

I believe you were dealing with a very troubled individual who was incapable of loving and the super empath in you was trying to understand him and be forgiving with (as it usually happens in these cases) very detrimental effects to your mental health. Deep down you thought that loving him was going to make him love you back. Big mistake. This man needs therapy (you too, but for very different issues) not a loving girlfriend. As much love as you give you will not fix him. You really need to cut him off and learn from this experience.

Original poster

Artemisss · 25/09/2022 14:55

Sandra1984 · 25/09/2022 14:32

Deep down you thought that loving him was going to make him love you back.

100%. I would have been there for him if he was in hospital, and I think he knows that. Perhaps that’s some of the reason I didn’t text after my last message; I knew I was just chasing for some indication that he cared.

OP posts:

coldfeetmama · 25/09/2022 14:56

@Sandra1984 DFOD

Original poster

Artemisss · 25/09/2022 14:58

coldfeetmama · 25/09/2022 14:56

@Sandra1984 DFOD

What’s the issue? you don’t have to contribute to this thread if it or anyones advice annoys you.

OP posts:

Tigofigo · 25/09/2022 15:09

I had a weird situation a while back where the guy in question was blowing weirdly hot and cold.

I did spill my guts eventually and messaged telling me he hurt me and asked about his behaviour.

He replied, some time later, explaining, and why it wasn't a fun answer to read, it was honest and he apologised. It gave me closure so I'm glad I did it. So my vote is to message him explaining how you feel, with zero expectation.

PrincessScarlett · 25/09/2022 15:51

The fact that you continued to have sex for a year after you broke up shows that he has been keeping you on the back burner until he finds someone else. Your recent friendship is just him extending that hold over you. I honestly believe he's loved up with someone else and hasn't the time to be thinking about you. If this latest relationship fails he'll be back in touch.

I sympathize that it must be hurtful that he's not been in touch, particularly as you've been so ill and you appear to have been thinking there might be more than just friendship on offer. However, it's time to move on OP.

legalseagull · 25/09/2022 17:19

It sounds like you're testing him. Your response didn't require a response from him. You've not messaged him since because it's what?, his turn to message?

To be honest it all sounds a bit immature to me.

Original poster

Artemisss · 25/09/2022 17:25

legalseagull · 25/09/2022 17:19

It sounds like you're testing him. Your response didn't require a response from him. You've not messaged him since because it's what?, his turn to message?

To be honest it all sounds a bit immature to me.

Well it wasn’t an intentional test, but I suppose after I’d realised his lack of contact when I finally got home and was more up and about, I did think that he should have messaged by now. I didn’t text him because quite frankly it felt humiliating to update someone who hadn’t checked on me. Maybe he had his reasons (like a new girlfriend) and wanted to just phase me out. Would’ve been mortifying if that was the reason and I just gleefully text him saying I was okay now

OP posts:

MarigoldMoonStone · 25/09/2022 17:28

I reckon he met someone else and knew he couldn’t keep such a close friendship with you anymore

Original poster

Artemisss · 25/09/2022 17:38

I do think he’s met someone else too.

But the change was rapid - like we were planning to go to a football game together the day before the accident… like how can you go from that to not messaging someone a day later?

it doesn’t mean much because it’s just words but he told me his mates were pressuring him to “move on” and “get back on tinder” but he said he didn’t want to. Unless he’s just highly manipulative & wanted me to believe he wanted me back.

OP posts:

Gettingbythanks · 25/09/2022 17:40

In my experience, there are some people you won’t see for dust should you need support, and those types absolutely won’t do hospitals (for someone not themselves). Yeah it hurts like fuck. But at least you learn that you have no real value to them, and your life will be better without them in it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2022 17:42

Was it a life changing condition/injury?

Arewerelated · 25/09/2022 17:44

Honest answer (even if it's a painful one) he was probably shagging or seeing someone else/liked someone else but was keeping you on the bench incase it didn't work out.
He's a coward and a loser.
I hope you're doing okay OP and get much better very soon

Original poster

Artemisss · 25/09/2022 17:55

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2022 17:42

Was it a life changing condition/injury?

I don’t know yet, it varies from person to person. I’m waiting for further tests to determine why it happened. Ex doesn’t know this thought.

OP posts:

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