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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

End of my tether with my DC

82 replies

Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:18

I have 3 DS. 10, 8 and 8months. Older 2 are to my ex.
DS10 has ADHD. As far as we know DS8 has nothing like that, but I’m starting to wonder. His outbursts are awful. Hitting, kicking, screaming. He’s wakes the baby up with this and the baby gets really scared. It’s just heartbreaking to see baby react like that.
I don’t live with my current partner(baby’s dad) he doesn’t really come to my house either as I just can’t deal with the DCs behaviour and I don’t want to subject another person to it. They’re rude and fight constantly.
me and ex have them 50/50 but I literally dread my time with them, especially when it’s my weekend with them.
their dad has the same issues when they’re with him but he doesn’t have a baby to consider.
im on the brink of messaging him and saying come and get them. Im embarrassed that I ‘can’t cope’ and I’m positive he’d use this against me at some point. But I’m past caring.
I could take them out for the day but their behaviour is still awful and quite frankly, I don’t think they deserve a day out when they behave like this. Cheeky, backchatting etc.
help please. I’m losing my mind!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2022 14:20

Can you ask him to have them for a few whole weeks to give you a break?

mamabear715 · 24/09/2022 14:21

I'm so sorry. You sound worn out. I think I would be inclined to get the ball rolling to see if DS 8 has ADHD / ASD.
I have two with ASD & they present totally differently.

Original poster
Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:22

I highly doubt he’d go for that. He won’t even take a day off work to keep them home from school if they’re ill. I had them during the week in the summer holidays and he had them at weekends. This was my suggestion so he could work

OP posts:
Original poster
Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:22

DS8 is a golden child in school. Literally doesn’t put a foot wrong. Gets awards for impeccable behaviour! It’s like he’s 2 different people

OP posts:
Original poster
Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:23

The minute he walks out of the gates, the devil appears

OP posts:
NessLockwood · 24/09/2022 14:24

What consequences does their behaviour result in?

No treats. Sit on step. Repeat. Back to the step. No talk, no chat. Don't reward the negative behaviour with attention and conversation. Blank them. Talk to them again when they're behaving and withdraw attention when they don't. No tablets, computer games, nothing instant-gratification as it makes them demanding. No television. Good behaviour? A privilege. Bad, remove the privilege. And be prepared to consistently stick to this for a few weeks before it sticks.

Yes, the kid has ADHD, but he has to learn good behaviour and boundaries. It's annoying at 10. It's a jail sentence at 15.

Tillow4ever · 24/09/2022 14:25

Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:23

The minute he walks out of the gates, the devil appears

Sounds like he could be "masking" at school then the stress of having to hold it all in all day at school just explodes out of him once he gets home and feels safe with you.

It won't make you feel better, but it is common!

Thatsnotmycar · 24/09/2022 14:25

I would get the ball rolling to get DS2 assessed.

Do you have any support? Have you had social care assessments?

Home Start may be able to provide support too.

Its not unusual for DC to cope at school and fall apart at home, it doesn’t mean the problem is home. It is often a sign of unmet needs at school. It’s called the coke bottle effect.

Thatsnotmycar · 24/09/2022 14:26

*It’s

Original poster
Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:27

@NessLockwood
i do all this but the behaviour just escalates and makes home life even more unbearable with crying and shouting to get off the step/have their tablet back.
I just want to pick up the baby and walk out of the house and leave them here

OP posts:
Thatsnotmycar · 24/09/2022 14:28

NT behavioural management techniques won’t work if the root of the behaviour is because he is ND.

Original poster
Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:28

Yes I’m aware of masking. I doubt school will even refer him because he’s so bloody angelic when there!

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 24/09/2022 14:31

Don’t stay at home all day. Their behaviour will be much better if they get fresh air and exercise.

iamjustwinginglife · 24/09/2022 14:32

Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:22

DS8 is a golden child in school. Literally doesn’t put a foot wrong. Gets awards for impeccable behaviour! It’s like he’s 2 different people

I'd suggest he's copying his older brother if he's perfect at school. He knows how to behave but chooses not to for you. At 8 you should be able to talk to him about the fact you know he's copying and can control himself and put in a system of rewards (and sanctions) based around the choices he makes at home.

Original poster
Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:32

It really won’t! They fight in the car, argue over swings, trip each other up etc

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Original poster
Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:34

@iamjustwinginglife tbis has occurred to me many times and I suspect that’s where it stems from. But DS10 is much better now. He does wind up his brother but his outbursts are much much less these days

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Original poster
Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:35

When I talk to DS8 he just says ‘he’s sensitive’. He’s very very clever so I wonder if he’s just telling me what I want to hear and playing on it?

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Original poster
Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:36

I started a reward chart recently where they earn money for good behaviour and small chores(make your bed, so nothing massive) and money is deducted for the bad behaviour. Well, they both owe me about £60!

OP posts:
Thatsnotmycar · 24/09/2022 14:37

In some areas you can self refer, if you can’t in your area and the school won’t refer you can ask the GP to refer. You could also apply for an EHCNA - easier if DC doesn’t mask, but it is possible to secure an EHCNA and subsequently an EHCP for someone who does mask.

iamjustwinginglife masking and the fall out afterwards isn’t a choice.

Original poster
Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:39

I’ve just messaged ex and told him it’s not sustainable. Said I’m happy to have them after school and overnight but full days just aren’t working for me with the baby.
I feel so guilty for feeling like this

OP posts:
Caroffee · 24/09/2022 14:42

Why would you expect yout ex to come and get them if he has the same issues and you already split childcare 50/50?

Original poster
Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:45

Because I have the baby to consider. I don’t live with my partner because of the boys’ behaviour. He has a partner so has backup. I’m here on my own, in tears because I feel so broken

OP posts:
Lawazzalawoo · 24/09/2022 14:45

Because he doesn't have a baby to consider as well.

Hoppinggreen · 24/09/2022 14:49

Lawazzalawoo · 24/09/2022 14:45

Because he doesn't have a baby to consider as well.

That’s not really his problem though is it?
Maybe he is worried he and his partner will end up living apart like you and your partner have due to the boy’s behaviour?
If your ex is happy with 50/50 he has no reason to increase that because you have had a baby.

Choopi · 24/09/2022 14:50

Copingnomore · 24/09/2022 14:39

I’ve just messaged ex and told him it’s not sustainable. Said I’m happy to have them after school and overnight but full days just aren’t working for me with the baby.
I feel so guilty for feeling like this

I'm not trying to make you feel bad by saying this but I would consider the emotional effect this could have on your boys. It would very much look like you are choosing the new baby over them and I can't see that being rejected by their mother would help with any issues they may have.