End of my tether with my DC

[Copingnomore]

I have 3 DS. 10, 8 and 8months. Older 2 are to my ex.
DS10 has ADHD. As far as we know DS8 has nothing like that, but I’m starting to wonder. His outbursts are awful. Hitting, kicking, screaming. He’s wakes the baby up with this and the baby gets really scared. It’s just heartbreaking to see baby react like that.
I don’t live with my current partner(baby’s dad) he doesn’t really come to my house either as I just can’t deal with the DCs behaviour and I don’t want to subject another person to it. They’re rude and fight constantly.
me and ex have them 50/50 but I literally dread my time with them, especially when it’s my weekend with them.
their dad has the same issues when they’re with him but he doesn’t have a baby to consider.
im on the brink of messaging him and saying come and get them. Im embarrassed that I ‘can’t cope’ and I’m positive he’d use this against me at some point. But I’m past caring.
I could take them out for the day but their behaviour is still awful and quite frankly, I don’t think they deserve a day out when they behave like this. Cheeky, backchatting etc.
help please. I’m losing my mind!

They're not equal though, you only have 2 of them half the time. You are not with the baby half the time and you won't stop breastfeeding to allow your DP to have the baby more.

Are you under CAMHS for your eldest?

1. I would stop breastfeeding to allow baby's dad to take him more often/for longer (I also fed to 2years so I get its disappointing )
2. Prioritise time with the two older boys who will remember this phase of their life
3. Try to separate them as much as possible (clubs, grandparents, one at dads whilst one with you, separate rooms. It's far, far from ideal but this is what I have to do with my 2 ADHD/ASD kids and it works much better)

I think the issue that yours posts so far have seemed seemed to indicate that your biggest priority is the baby. That you have said that you are wanting only after school and overnights with your older boys, but won't allow your partner to give your eight month old baby a bottle or space out milk feeds so that older children can spend quality time with you, without their brother there. They may well love their brother and be lovely with him, and still need independent one-on-one time with their mum. And personally I think that while in the short term, less time with your old boys will be less stressful, that just seems to be kicking a can down the road, where you may well have two teenagers who felt you pushed them for their younger brothers. Not saying that's your motivation, but its not hard to see how that's the conclusion your kids might come to. Maybe some posters are overcorrecting on that, but I think that's where the attitude comes from.

Have you read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? Traditional punishment based parenting methods (time outs, device confiscation, money deductions) can be counter-productive and especially with ND children. Maybe something in there might help with your older children.

Your problem is that you don't live with you and so are managing three children on your own.

At eight months you could send baby out with Dad for a few hours and keep bf before bed and in the morning.

@toastofthetown i don’t get a minute to pee on my own, let alone read a book!
mum not pushing my older kids out at all. I love them with every part of me. I’m just struggling to cope with their behaviour. This started long before baby came along.
ex never has them one to one and he doesn’t have a baby. In fact, he’s never on his own with them. His partner is always there.

He’s possibly masking at school ,then he lets it all out at home ,it’s part of having autism

OK but those were his choices. Your choices have been to have another baby whilst struggling with the children you have and not have your partner live with you.

Your sons won't see it as oh dad has a partner and no baby so can look after us better. They will see it as mum has a new baby and a new partner and now doesn't want me around as much anymore.

You can want a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean you’re realistically going to get them.

ideally, you would have prioritized your older children and not bought a third into the world. You have though, and as a result you’ve got less time with your children but you still want to fuck them off more so you can prioritize the new one.

your eldest have just gone through at least two big disruptions in their lives, and their behavior is likely to be a reflection of that. These are the consequences of the choices you have made. Having a new kid does not lessen your responsibility to your existing ones.

I do sympathise with you, having two ND older children with challenging behaviour is a lot. I'm afraid I agree with other posters though - if you ask your ex to become the primary parent because of their behaviour, they will experience that as you throwing them away because the new baby is more important than they are. I think you risk losing your relationships with the older two altogether if you do that.

I second the advice to get your current partner to do more of the care of your baby - if all three were on a 50/50 basis, or even if he could take the baby for a couple of afternoons a week, you could plough some time and attention into the older two and you would have a better chance of getting a handle on the behavioural problems. At the moment you're just firefighting and nobody is happy.

If you don't want to stop breastfeeding, you could mix-feed/express enough for an afternoon - or you may have to accept that compromises are necessary. The baby isn't your only child and breastfeeding isn't everything.

OP it sounds like you've hit burnout understandably. It's bloody hard parenting ND children. However, despite identifying the very clear needs of your two eldest children and that all traditional methods are not working to the point you're not coping, you're not willing to adapt or accept any advice.

You've had some solid advice above here, I'd also endorse taking some time and reading The Explosive Child book it's really a game changer in managing challenging behaviour positively.
I'd also get your other don assessed so you know exactly what you may be dealing with.

At present you're exhausted , but seemingly unwilling to make any changes-how do you reasonably expect this to work in the longterm? Your baby will soon grow bigger so this is your opportunity to iron out issues now wherever possible.
I hope you seek out some qualified support for both your sons- they need you to take the reins here.

How hard are you trying, really?

Because as soon as a poster suggested a book that might really help you, you came straight back “don’t have time”.

Really? Your older boys are school age, you only have them half the time, and your baby has a father… and you can’t find time to read a book that could really help?

You have it hard, definitely, SEN parenting isn’t easy. But I don’t believe that you don’t have time to research strategies.

I dunno - sometimes my 2 (8 and 5) find some way of annoying each other. They are both NT. I tell them they have to play separately. No sitting near each other, no talking to each other. Otherwise no tv or tablet or whatever. I dunno if that will work. If it were me, I would stop breastfeeding so DP could take baby for 1 day per week and I could work on the older 2 kids’ behaviour. In an ideal world, you would breastfeed for however long you would like, but I think it is less likely to make much of a long term difference than the other kids’ behaviour. Good luck - sending u good wishes.

Why did you have a third child then? Especially with someone you do not live with? You love this guy enough to have a baby with him, but you don’t want to “subject” him to your already existing DC? You’ve been together 2 years and have an 8 month old - so you got pregnant a few months into the relationship. Will you also dump this baby if it’s ND/misbehaves sometimes?

Do you know anything about ADHD at all? It sounds like you don’t, because reward charts aren’t suitable for most kids with ADHD. It’s also highly likely that your middle child has ADHD, it’s genetic for goodness sake, so hardly outside the realms of possibility.

Agree with a PP about the responses if she were posting saying it was her ex saying this.

Will you also dump this baby if it’s ND/misbehaves sometimes?

That's a really mean thing to say. And inaccurate. She hasn't "dumped" her children.

Did you miss the part where she only has them 50% of the time anyway and has already messaged her ex to say she only wants them after school now?

She’s trying to though. It’s a fair question, given that it’s something OP is willing to do.

It sounds really hard, but it isn't going to improve unless you make changes. If DS is well behaved at school, I'd take control more. It sounds like when they're left to come up with the entertainment and conversation they're defaulting to fighting and playing up.

Get out the house, but talk to them when you walk to the park or get them singing or doing puzzles in the car. Meet up with their friends as much as possible, do hobbies with them. Don't scroll on your phone while BFing but stay really engaged with them. Not love bombing, but attention bombing.

It sounds like the draining "devil makes work for idle hands" kind of behaviour - take control back and physically exhaust them! They are an age where they should be seeing friends a lot, does this fall down the cracks of shared custody?

@Copingnomore

We all struggle from time to time you aren't on your own;

Why don't you trial separating the older 2? You have one with you and your ex has the other and see how that works?? Do a week with one each then swop over?

I have to say tho my 2 can be challenging aswell, they are 7 and 4 and either best friends or hate each other!!!

I have to say tho......
There is no way on earth i would consider adding another another baby to the mix - especially with a new partner who isn't exactly committed to you either this doesn't sound like the best of ideas but now your in this situation I guess it's just a situation of making this work for you all.

You could self refer to social services and get them on board

Just seen this post

"This started before the baby came along"

Why why why did you think having a baby was a good idea???

Pointing out that OP shouldn't have had the baby is just cruel and not constructive.

OP, you sound at the end of your tether, but as you say, all three children are equally important and your eldest two are showing you just how much they need you right now.

You need to 'fake it til you make it' I think. Prioritise your relationships with your sons. Act like you're enjoying their company even though it's hard. Set them up to win - I think that prob involves getting out with them but making it an easy and undemanding activity - my eldest is the same age and I was surprised how much fun he/we had with a frisbee he was given recently! Five mins walk to the park, doesn't matter if they're wearing the wrong clothes as it's hardly a day out, and then actually engage with them while you're there. Something like that. Make it as easy on you as possible. Swimming can also be good with those kind of age gaps IME, and allows for a bit more 'play' than tired mothers can sometimes manage and a bit more reassuring physical contact than busy big boys are otherwise up for, but faffing about getting changed etc may feel beyond you just now and fair enough.

I would do whatever you can to set yourself up with baby plus one older child as often as possible (and then actually actually something with them - even just prep a meal together or whatever) - if not your ex, see if you can fob off one child at a time on your partner, your family, your/their friends. If your partner is serious about you, he needs to show it by making as big an effort as required with all of your children, and if you're serious about him, you need to show it by trusting him to cope.

Bollocks to all the reward charts and fines and sanctions. They don't work for all kids at the best of times, they won't work for kids who are currently feeling unwanted and unloved and anxious about their role in the family - on top of all the additional angst even the best-supported ND kids often experience just by having to navigate a very NT world.

I know you love your children and are just totally burnt out. But with children, ultimately the message they receive is the one they internalise. I am 100% sure that your children are currently receiving a message of rejection and dislike, just as all the posters on this thread have picked up, and even though it feels like you have nothing left you need to find a way of powering through and fixing that. It's not fair but it's motherhood. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think the breastfeeding thing is a red herring. No need from my POV to wean or reduce feeds to allow DP to take baby out for a long time. 8mo babies can go ages between feeds if they're away from their mother (nobody would be stressing about baby going 8+ hours without a feed overnight for eg), they'll just make up for it when they come home again.

The older children are reacting to the baby. The baby who has hit the point where he's vocal and a real, permanent presence.

You need to prioritise spending time with the older children, ideally one to one, without the baby.

Unfortunately I don’t get the feeling you are prepared to make the necessary changes you need to make in order to turn this around. There’s a saying that if you aren’t a part of the solution then you must be a part of the problem.

Agree. An 8 month old can go most of a day without a breastfeed.

So tomorrow baby dad has it for the day and you take your sons and spend quality time with them. What do they like doing? Swimming, cycling, football in the park. Whatever it is spend the day doing it

Children need different things at different times of their lives. Prioritising them right now is the right thing to do to try and address this. Pushing them away with solve nothing long term, but build resentment which will come out in even more negative behaviour

100%. I wonder why people bother asking for advice when they don’t want to consider some very sensible suggestions to help