End of my tether with my DC

[Copingnomore]

I have 3 DS. 10, 8 and 8months. Older 2 are to my ex.
DS10 has ADHD. As far as we know DS8 has nothing like that, but I’m starting to wonder. His outbursts are awful. Hitting, kicking, screaming. He’s wakes the baby up with this and the baby gets really scared. It’s just heartbreaking to see baby react like that.
I don’t live with my current partner(baby’s dad) he doesn’t really come to my house either as I just can’t deal with the DCs behaviour and I don’t want to subject another person to it. They’re rude and fight constantly.
me and ex have them 50/50 but I literally dread my time with them, especially when it’s my weekend with them.
their dad has the same issues when they’re with him but he doesn’t have a baby to consider.
im on the brink of messaging him and saying come and get them. Im embarrassed that I ‘can’t cope’ and I’m positive he’d use this against me at some point. But I’m past caring.
I could take them out for the day but their behaviour is still awful and quite frankly, I don’t think they deserve a day out when they behave like this. Cheeky, backchatting etc.
help please. I’m losing my mind!

I remember reading once that when you have a baby you actually need to emotionally prioritise existing children so that they don't feel displaced.

Whereas a baby you have to physically care for .

So actually prioritise older children is absolutely the right thing to do

It does sound like your 8yo has adhd to me. Schools are pretty savvy. It sounds like he is playing up as the middle child because he can see the youngest getting all the baby attention and the oldest getting it for having adhd.

What's he learn from that? Play up and you might give him some of your time.

You need to give him more of your time not less.

If you’re partner is so great then surely having him move in would be a help? Two pairs of hands, someone to help sort out the kids behaviour and do more with the baby? There have been loads of sensible suggestions here and you don’t seem to want to do anything about making your own life better

Doesn't sound like he has adhd I meant

Why don't you have one child each, then they've got no one to fight and argue with.

Do you think they could be jealous of the baby?

This rang bells for me as my daughter was the same. Angel at school devil at home. The thing that worked for me (also a lone parent) was just trying to Love her really hard. Just being so in her face loving. Turn up at school with chocolate biscuit, take her to the park/ wherever she wants to go. She chose dinner. She chose the TV show. And then we did it together. Everything together. Just really tried to show her how much I loved her and thought she was great.

It's going to be hard with a new born, but try and strap the baby in a sling, and make the middle child the focus. (or if you have parents that can watch the baby for a few hours in those critical after school hours. )

And it came back to be 3 fold. She showed her real feelings and we reconnected. She still can be a monster but it's when she tired and overwhelmed and to be honest she's a bit like me. And it can be hard seeing that in our children